Cleanwithdreams7

Hello all, I'm new to the forum and would like to share my story with opiates to you all and my progress now a days. I started using opiates when I was seventeen. At the time I was still a virgin and I honestly think that if this wasn't the case I probably wouldn't have gotten into this ****. It started out with codeine(T3's), I loved everything about it. Before this point in my life I was always the most shy person in the world, the lowest self-esteem ever. Which is one of the reasons I was a virgin at the time, it just didn't happen and I wasn't confident to make it happen back than. I wasn't comfortable in my own skin, but after I had my first opiate experience that all changed. For once I didn't give a **** what people thought, I could be myself in front of anyone anytime. So I continued, I thought of opiates as the one thing in my life that was always missing, it all felt so meant to be. I often wonder if I had just went for it first and lost my virginity before trying them, would it have made me just as comfortable in my own skin as this drug that has ruined my life in so many ways? Anyways from codeine I went to oxy pretty soon, I wanted to try it just once to see what all the fuss was all about, and I'm sure you all know how the 'just once' thing goes. I would only use weekly and controlled it quite well at first. I loved oxy even more than codeine, and everything in my life at this point seemed perfect to me. Skip a bit forward, I turned 18 and was offered my first credit card by my bank. So I got the card in the mail but wasn't sure if I even wanted to activate it so just left it for a while. One day, when I had no money and wanted to get high I decided to activate the card that came and use it 'just once', and than pay it off right away. I had a $2000 limit and had recently had a taste of heroin, my first hookup was the purest hook up I still have ever had in my life. And so continued the binge that lasted me 3 years. After I got that credit card I found that I really couldn't control it anymore, it was controlling me, I would lie to myself and make it all seem okay, tell myself I'd be able to wean off when I need to, pay off the credit card and that it would be all very worth it. At the time it did feel worth it while high but now I can tell you it's not worth it at all and never will be. It all got VERY outta control very fast. In a week and a half I had spent the whole $2000 on mainly heroin and oxy. At times when I couldn't get my favorites I would use either morphine, fentanyl, codeine, poppy seeds, etc, whatever I could find basically, but H was my fav and oxy was in second place. I was using about 6 points a day and finished 26 points of H in about a week and halfish. By the time my heroin hookup went away(in my city H is the rarest thing on the planet and oxy is like weed) my tolerance had already skyrocketed. I went back to oxy telling myself I'd face those withdrawals later.. but my tolerance had doubled from the H!! Instead of being able to throw up off using 40mgs of oxy a day I had to at least take 80mgs to feel the same and most of the time I wouldn't even be high enough to puke anymore. And so began even more hellish days. In the past three years I lost all six of my jobs that I had. The first five I called in sick almost everyday and was let go.. but my last job was a little different. Somehow I found a way to steal at least $100 a day from my job without screwing up the daily count, they didn't even find out til like 5 months later to!! At this point I had just gotten outta jail for being the towns 'poppy seed bandit'.. I found a potent kind of poppy seeds that got rid of my w/ds when I made it into a brew, I couldn't believe it something I could buy at a store had morphine and other opiate alkaloids in it, no life, at a local Safeway store so I was stealing shitloads of those until I finally got caught and got charged with like 8 different charges for different times on camera, and was thrown in jail for four days, and made withdrawal for the first time in years. I will never forget those four days. So right now I'm still on probation but will be done in March, less than a year left to go! Also at this point I was $11,000 in debt as well, and not just credit cards to different people. See, that $2000 stretched in a couple years to 11,000$, I told myself I'd pay off the 2000$ but instead just went higher. So when I lost my last job I was left moneyless and jobless and forced to withdrawal. This time was officially the last time I everr touched oxy or any other opiates(besides methadone), in about Sepetember to, so almost a year ago .. Anyways, I read that DXM fills the same receptor as opiates and works just like methadone does, so I started binging very heavy on cough syrup for the first 6 days or so, and surprisingly it worked pretty well, got me through it and wasn't even too hard at all compared to what I had already been through. Than I stopped the DXM.. I'm not gonna get into to much detail about what happened in the couple days to come.. buut I LOST IT. They told me I was manic, and at this point I had another charge coming up for stealing to, so the cops ended up bringing me to the hospital instead of jail(thank God) and I was forced to live in the psych-ward for months with crazy people that made me feel even crazier. This was one of the worst things that I've ever had to do but at the same time one of the best things that could have happened. While I was there I stopped opiates cold turkey the longest I ever have in my entire life, it was around 3 weeks , but I kept getting PAWS and I couldn't handle it anymore, I didn't even know anything about PAWS either before this because I had never stopped for that long. I would feel alright one sec. and than absolutely terrible the next. They had me on Seroquil(an anti-psychotic that passes you out) while I was at the hospital to which helped a shitload because I pretty much just slept through the first week. I thought of opiates every second of the day , I HATED it. I dreamed about them to, every damn night, I hated those dreams so much, dreaming about such a damn small yellow or grey pill labeled with a 40 or 80 etc. ruling your life. And I knew that when I got released I would go use again, I was planning on it, I just was way to far gone, more than I ever thought was possible. I was using around 300mgs a day of oxy before I lost my last job, it was ******* rough as hell. I also had suicidal thoughts and the thing is I would never kill myself! They were just there, and on top of that I had just lost my first girlfriend because she had finally had enough. So after a couple weeks they gave me the option of going on methadone, I read up about it and I accepted. I started on 10mgs and because I was off opiates for a couple weeks before that I kinda got high the first time I tried it. So every chance I got I would up my dose because I thought I would get high again, it never was really quite the same as that first time though, Methadone just makes me feel normal and not crave opiates, like I was before I tried them, I dont get high at all. Anyways I've almost been on it for a year and my life has totally changed in a lot of ways. My debt hasn't gone any higher, it's gone a lot lower and is gonna continue to, I've boughten most of my stuff back that I had sold before- my guitar, my Wii, (for the first time in years I'm playing sports to)my skateboard, rollerblades, im even playing basketball to, and recently bought an awesome volcano vaporizer with my income tax .. The only thing I touch now is marijuana and the occassional psychadelic trip. I don't have dreams about opiates anymore, I have a relationship again with a new girl, have gotten friends back and respect from them as well as family back, and best of all since I havn't felt those other opiates in almost a year I don't really even remeber the feeling of em to well, because it's been so long, and the feelings not fresh. The highest dose I went to was 90mgs a day, and a couple months ago I started weaning down 10mgs a month because I know I'm ready to, and sure as hell am not gonna be a lifetime user. Today I am down to 60mgs a day which I went down to a week ago from 70. This wean was a little bit harder than the last one(80-70mgs).. but it's getting easier now(a week later).. I guess I'm kinda lucky becayse I get prescribed it by a doctor, luckily I was living in a hospital when I was. I don't have to go to a clinic everyday but I do go to a pharmacy everyday(exept weekends and holiday carrys so far), so a lot of the negative aspects of a clinic are eliminated to. Tomorow I am taking half of my take home dose, so 30mgs. So that when I take my regular dose 60mgs on Sunday my body will have gotten more used to the new dose(60mgs). I did this before by accident when I was on one of my weans.. before I did what I did I was sometimes feeling a bit off at certain points of the day, especially in the morning before I had my dose.. so anyway I accidentally had missed my dose one day and the next day when I finally got my normal dose I felt prefect from then on(of course until I decided to wean down again). I know this is because I am weaning down by 10mgs a month, I think the next time I mite just wean down 5mgs every 2 weeks instead maybe, depending on how I feel once I'm ready. I can't wait to get off of the methadone and start a new chapter in life. And deep down I know I will never touch another opiate again once I'm off of the done, because as much as I'd like to think I can, I will never be able to control this habbit, there is no balance, and that's why a lot of us are where we are today. We want to handle such a great thing, but usually things that are that good are to good to be true. And it's totally not worth it IMO. Also I just turned 20 so I guess it's better than starting opiates say when I'm like 40 and losing everything than, having to start over at such a old age would be rough as hell. Also my charge that I had when I went to the hospital ended up getting dropped because I was in the hospital so long which was pretty much like jail minus the bullys lol. I'm so glad it happened thoguh the way it did, if I hadn't had been brought to that hospital I wouldn't have even thought about going on methadone when I did, because most likely the addict me at the time, would tell itself I'd rather fill the recetor with something that's gonna get me high than methadone, and I kinda think I wouldn't even be here right now, sadly I was ready to take my life. I'm glad my rock bottom wasn't hell. I guess what I wanna know is is there anyone out there who is in a similar situation with the methadone thing? I want to hear some successfull stories of people who got off or maybe even people who are trying to right now, and how is it going for you? I read something on the internet that kinda made me feel ******, it said '90% of people who come off of methadone will relapse on short acting opiates', and I just don't wanna be one of em. If you are off, how is your life now that you are off the methadone? And what worked for you best in the weaning process? How did you do it? Once you got down to the lower numbers like say 10mgs and lower, was it really hard? My doctor says it doesn't really get hard until you get to 10mgs, and from there I wean down 1mg a month. I'm a little worried about the PAWS that can follow once I'm off it to because that's one of the reasons I went to done, I couldn't handle the paws I was having from oxy, but maybe the was the manicness playing a role to, I don't know lol. I hate hearing the saying, once a junkie always a junkie, and would love to hear some positive stories and oppinions from ya guys. If you can't write about something here feel free to message me on the site or even email me, I need all the help and support I can get just like you guys. Thanks for reading, I know it's long. And best of luck to anyone who is fighting an opiate addiction of any kind out there, and to the family members as well, GOD BLESS!!

Cleanwithdreams7

** "no LIE, at a local Safeway store so.."**(correction). Sorry if there's any other spelling mistakes.

jazz66

good luck mate we all need it..+/?

Cleanwithdreams7

Thanks jazz. Best of luck with your situation to! We can all do it! I guess I've always expected that it's gonna be easy to get out, maybe because it was so easy to get in. But now I'm thinking it's probably going to take at least as much time getting out as it did getting in. It's gonna be hell, but the strong will make it happen and it will be totally worth it. And think of it this way if we can get through this ****, what can't we get through in this world, were prolly some of the toughest mofos around :P.. I just wont let myself die with a drug, that thought scares me and keeps me going for some reason. Since I have my takehomes this weekend, I took half my regular dose today because I weaned from 70-60 a week ago and can feel a little something not back yet, I find this one day, half a dose method works because tomorrow when I take my regular full dose, that 'little something' that wasn't quite back yet(or normal feeling) is back and I feel fine until the next time I decide it's time to wean again. I'm not gonna recommend this for everyone because the day that you go with your half dose isn't the best, but it's only one day and tomorrow I can wake up just as early as today and finally get the right dose in me. I find this faster, than waiting another week or two of feeling a little off to get the 'not off feeling'

Esco

Good luck to you Natey! I just got out of a 4-year codeine T3 addiction, I can only imagine how tough H or oxy's must be.

Stay strong, brah

Cleanwithdreams7

Update: Yesterday I carried on with what said I was gonna do and I took 30mgs instead of my regular 60mgs to see if it would level things out more like I've experienced in the past, today and on. I took my normal dose(60mgs) a couple hours ago and so far I feel better than I have been feeling for the past week after taking my doses .. usually I would be feeling a bit off, and I didn't feel like waiting another week or more to level out more, because of the wean I did a week ago(70-60mgs). I only did this because I've done it before, accidentaly though, by missing a whole days dose during one of my weans, when I wasn't feeling 'normal' as is, so that day or sacrifice I'll call it, was utter hell but toally worth it, and I know the withdrawals are suposed to FULLY start after a couple days off of it, so if one day was that BAD, I can't imagine anymore than that, cold-turkey. The good thing though was from that day on I didn't feel a little off from the wean anymore, I felt perfect!(until the next wean obviously) I'll keep updated if that changes this time though and my method(which BTW only used by me, not telling you to do it) fails.. but so far I don't see why it wouldn't work if it worked before, other than the fact that I took half my dose yesterday instead of none of it like before. Either way though the beginning stage of my dose feels WAY better than usual, no cold sweats or anything like I usually get sometimes, juust great I would say!

Cleanwithdreams7

Update: I woke up this morning feeling perfect! Before my dose even, so, so far that day that I took half my dose made things level out like last time .. it's a couple hours after my dose now and I'm already feeling like I can do another 10mg jump at this point(a week later), but just in case I'm gonna wait like three more weeks as it is at this comfort level(when my appointment to wean is anyway), than next time should be easier to. And I'll probably do the same thing a week in(when I get my takehomes), well see. Im glad I did it though. And suprisingly I wasn't even too sweaty like I had a problem with before at higher doses, and in the mornings before my dose(REDICULOUS SWEATING), today was just fine , in a t-shirt and everything and comfortable. And I'm not telling anyone to do what I did btw either, I did it and everyone's different, just wanted to share.

ohdeeuhm

Incredible story man. My story was very similar to yours except for the legal issues. I did get in trouble for stealing games from a large movie rental chain where I was previously employed and selling them to a large video game chain who buys used video games, where I also previously worked. In 4 years I went through so many jobs but I was like you, I would just call in every day to get high and would end up losing them. One of my last jobs I had before I started getting clean was a fast food (pizza) store and I was able to steal money almost daily and just like your experience it took them quite a long time to figure it out. At that time I was facing some possible charges for stealing and my life was at rock bottom. I was shooting up and snorting 160 - 320mg of oxy a day, had lost all my friends, owed everyone money, almost bankrupt my mom and had lost my long time girlfriend. I knew at that point I was either going to really get clean this time or end up dead. I am very thankful that I'm still alive and I live life to the fullest every day. I try to help other people in my community with their drug problems and tell them my stories.

One way my story differs from yours is the fact that I went with Suboxone instead of Methadone. I had seen and heard of Suboxone but didn't know much about it at the time. I went in to the Detox Clinic on November 14, 2008 and I've been living clean since that day. There has been 2 times where I've had to take pain medicine since then but thankfully I never felt anything from it. I had an abscessed tooth and had it pulled and they gave me a prescription for 10mg hydrocodone but I ended up taking one and throwing the rest away. Back in January of this year I had a surgery on my back to remove a cyst and they gave me a prescription for 10mg hydrocodone and I took them for a day and realized that it wasn't working and I was actually starting to feel worse so I started back on my Suboxone the next day.

I started out taking 4 Sub's a day (32mg) and now I'm down to 6mg (three quarters of a strip) a day. I can safely say that Suboxone helped me save my shattered life. Keep up the good fight Natey! Oh, and **** those people who say "once a junkie, always a junkie". We know in our hearts that we never EVER want to be in that situation again.

Dee74

Welcome to SR ohdeeuhm

D

freeradical99

natey--

May seem like it now, but 40's really not that old, unless you're coming out of a lifetime of addictions and have to begin again, knowing nothing useful about how adults relate to one another (*not necessarily sexually*). So you have a leg up.

A leg, and the rest of your life. Yes, you're still a kid (envy on this end), but one who can't safely use opiates, or anything else that will, directly or indirectly, lead you to them.

Guess you know that, though.

Peace and luck, freerad

Cleanwithdreams7

I know 40s not that old.. I posted this story on another forum site to and I got like 5 replys from ppl bitching me out for saying it's to old.. I know the soul never ages, I was just making a comparrison, saying that it would suck to start using opiates for your FIRST time in say your 40s for example, because you'd probably lose everything that you just worked on getting for years, for example a $100,000 house. So yeah anyone that age or older please don't take it offensively, you can do anything you put your mind to, just like me, I just think it would be rougher doing it all at that age. I hope you know what I mean. I only said that because one of my friends buddys started it at like 37 and lost eveyrhting important in his life, cars, house, wife, kids, etc.. and me being 20, i dont even have a house or car or anything like that to lose. I'm not trying to diss anyone. My moms 50 and I don't see her as old.

Cleanwithdreams7

And thank for your story Ohdeeuhm.. ours are actually very similar! That's really cool to read man, not saying it's cool that it happened to you, but cool that I'm not the only one who had to go through such a hellish time. That's awesome that you got off the suboxone before as well!! I read that it was extremely hard to get off(harder than methadone), so I'm really proud that you stuck it out that first time man!! Especially after being given hydrocodone and throwing it out!! WOW man, I don't know if I'd be able to be that strong, lets just hope I don't get any stupid dentists when I'm off the done. Good luck on what your doing now, and I know you'll be able to live cold-turkey again someday!! Just like the rest of us. Thanks brother! And everyone else as well, thank you!!

Cleanwithdreams7

I kinda realized after like 3 days later, after taking the half dose that week, that it didn't magically fix everything and I still felt a bit off.. so this weekend(2 weeks since the wean) I didn't take half my dose or anything out of my takehomes, I just took the normal dose. And I was talking to my doctor and after hearing some of your guys opiinons as well, I decided the next time I wean I'm gonna do it by 5mgs a month, instead of 10mgs a month. I'm in no rush, and I think the less pain I feel, the better, I don't want anything making me want to relapse or anything like that.

Cleanwithdreams7

Update: I got my dose lowered and started it today from 60-55mgs a day, it shouldn't be as tough as I found the last 10mg wean

Cleanwithdreams7

Update: I went from 55-50mgs a day a couple days ago. I have been weaning down 5mgs a month and am finding it VERY easy so far. IMO the slower the better, even though I would love to be off, I'm not taking the chance of a relapse. Things are going very good!! If any others are weaning down my best advice to you would be to go as slow as possible. There will be a day when you will be off eventually!! Don't rush it. I calculated it and at this rate, as long as things stay good, I will be completely off in 20 months or so! I can't wait, but I will .. and this September marks a year since I've felt the pleasure of any opiates. Life is awesome

Cleanwithdreams7

Update: I went down to 45mgs a day today, which is half way there!!! .. as well as my 33rd day off of Marijuana!

CarolD

Good to know you are moving forward....and keeping your doctor aware.

Cleanwithdreams7

Thanks!! Yup yup yup, he's the one who approves my decisions :P

Cleanwithdreams7

Went down to 40mgs of methadone a day this morning. It's also my 61st day without Marijuana and my 25th day without a cigarette! =D

lilotto

Congratulations on your success so far keep up the good attitude about your journey towards recovery, it can make all the difference between success and failure. I recently did a twenty one day inpatient for an alcohol relapse. What surprised me was how many young people were there for addiction to H and Oxy and some were on the Suboxan to help with withdrawal. Many of them were between 18 and 30 and had already lost everything or close to it. What a shame. I forgot about the various drugs I had used as a teenager, I am 58yr now and a few years back I got caught up in the pure evil of the crack and meth. I thank God that I got out when I did before it got any worse than it was. It is disgusting to think of the things I did just so I could get high I ended up homeless and it has taken ten years to rebuild my life. As you have shared we will do anything to get are drugs. That is nothing short of living a life of pure evil. I won't try to BS you I did love getting high but the price was to evil. Good Luck