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Not My AV ... just my nasty self talke

Old 03-10-2016, 04:41 AM
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Not My AV ... just my nasty self talke

I woke up this morning and all my "self talk" was

Buck up

Bite the Bullet

Put on your big girl pants

Quit the pity party

You are just sooooo bad....

Lots and lots of very harsh words to myself. Then, as I was doing dishes, I realized that I say things to myself I would never ever say to a fellow recoverer. I would consider it unhelpful and mean and counter productive.

I once knew that compassion for self is just as important as compassion for others .... but over the past years I seem to have forgotten that.

So I'm going to start trying to treat myself with the same compassion I would treat others with.

Hope you all have a good day today, and be kind to yourself! None of us deserve the hate talk and the chastising that we do to ourselves!

Nands
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Old 03-10-2016, 12:31 PM
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That is sooo true, Ananda. It seems to be a common trait that we expect so much more of ourselves than we would of others in a similar situation.

A gratitude exercise is a good fix for this a few moments spent on the positive outlook. So is mindful breathing, observing those self critical thoughts as they come in without reacting to them, sorta looking at them with an amused objectivity. Like, 'Huh! Wouldja look at that thought there!'. Then, accept them, that they exist, and then return the mind's focus back to breathing. Another variation on this is to picture a burning candle located in your belly, lighting a dark place, giving warmth and comfort. Your breathing and focus protects this light, so you again observe those miserable self thoughts and put them down again, returning to nurture and protect your inner light.

It's just a mind exercise, but I believe it has the power to rewire our messed up brains in time. The goal is achieved not by being able to maintain that focus for X minutes at a time, but when the thought is accepted and released. That's where the benefit comes.

It is a gift you can give yourself, Ananda. It is a kindness. Best to you.
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Old 03-10-2016, 12:39 PM
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Excellent post and very very good advice!
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Old 03-11-2016, 04:47 AM
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Yes!

I try to listen to Ajan Sumedo every morning (I occationally miss). The step back to watch how the mind spins does lead me to progress. With the new therapy I have started I'm struggling a bit as I am seeing a bit deeper into what the thoughts that arise are if that makes sense. The struggle is a bit tougher, but I see that the meditation and thought awareness (especially if I can see the humor in some of those thoughts...how they really are) are going to open "me" up to some different ways to process them.

I believe that the last 2 days are the first in probably 9 months where I have started to feel capable of simply doing the next indicated thing in my life and I've even started to get my sense of humor back.

Sometimes I get sucked into the vortex of the thoughts, but they really are just thoughts ... not reality. I beginning to be able to see that

One of the "goals" I have for the next few weeks is to find a person local that is up at 5am who I can call to talk to when I'm at my most vunerable and get some support for this sort of thing. Of course 5 am risers are hard to find (LOL) (we also tend to go to bed at 8pm LOL).

Until I have another way to fill that void, I will use SR and the Amrivati tape section to keep my eye on the more certain truth that Thoughts are just thoughts and to let them just pass by like clouds in the sky

Sorry to be a bit weird and goofy

Nands
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Old 03-11-2016, 07:21 AM
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Ananda, weird and goofy is strong and badass sometimes. Picture yourself wearing a special badass hat as you take your well-earned spot of power, peace, and serenity, watching your thoughts come and go, grateful to be you. You are awesome.

I bet if you start walking at 5 am, you will find a fellow walker, and a kindred spirit. Best to you.
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Old 03-15-2016, 12:14 PM
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erk!

awww ... I didn't do so good today with how I treated my self on waking

But I'm bouncing back! In Buddhism I've been taught to say "I know you Mara!" As real as it seems when I start this negative about how bad I am and how I'll never be better and how I might as well drink ....

I know that is just old thought sht. It isn't truth. It is true that I am ageing. It is true that I'm not 20 (LOL). But it isn't true that I'm bad. It isn't true that I'm flawed. The world has tried to tell me that for years, and I refuse to buy into that concept anymore!

I'm sort of ranting right now ... sorry ... (oops, counselor says stop saying you are sorry (LOL)). But you know... If what is going to keep me not only sober but headed in the right direction is to blow off on SR from time to time (without hurting others), then that is what I am going to do.

I am woman hear me roar!!!!!!
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