dcg0626

Hello, I just started this book. I am about to start chapter 3 tonight. I read about it when on SMART site that led me to CRAFT. I was then referred by Bluechair to read it. I decided to purchase this book after i finished the SMART Family and Friends Handbook. I already feel myself growing as a person. SMART has helped me realize that this issue is not just a result of my husband's use and that I, too, played a role. I am hoping the more I read the more I will be more consistent with my change. I am afraid that if I am not consistent it will not be my new norm. When I fall back a bit, I hate how I feel.

allforcnm

Welcome to our Secular Family Forum DCG... glad you found our book thread

Thank you for sharing your experience with the Beyond Addiction book so far.. and SMART. Im a member over there too..they do a great job. The family guide is full of good information, and the site has many insightful articles, and of course the online toolbox.

Please feel free to use this thread to post about the book.. things you like, comments, questions, or how your applying what you learn.. we are all here to learn, share and be an overall support to one another.

Also, if you would like to open a new thread and share about your personal experience/story please do.. but no pressure.. its ok to just read along if you prefer.

PinkCloudsCharley

Welcome, Dcg! I was introduced to this forum by Blue also, and have found everyone here to be incredibly knowledgeable and supportive! We also post a lot in the All About Me thread, just everyday stuff, and I post a lot about my and H's journey right now, as he's newly sober. Sometimes I need a lot of support

My H just recently stopped drinking, he's 2 months sober and goes to AA meetings here and there, but it's not the basis of his sobriety. We see a non-12 step counselor, first separately and then together, every three weeks and try to practice craft.

We have a 15 year old daughter and 2 year old son, and have been married for 19 years. H was drinking for 10 years before he quit just before Christmas.

I hope you will post a lot, and find a lot of comfort, support and knowledge here!

Welcome!

BlueChair

Nice to see you here DCG. Your doing great on the book, and already on chapter 3, way to go!
I know what you mean about practicing the skills your learning, for me once I started it made me feel more in control of my emotions, overall I felt better, and I could see a positive difference in my husbands responses when we had serious things to discuss. Somewhere in this book, or the family guide it reinforces the concept of practicing but also not being too hard on ourselves while we are learning. Change takes time for us and our loved ones.

allforcnm

Chapter 9 – Positive Communication

This chapter focuses on CRAFT communication skills & techniques.. and is one of my favorite chapters.

Many reasons we try to communicate:

To express our own feelings

To make the other person “feel a certain way” in response to our words

Wanting the other person “to do something” in response

Wanting to be understood and have the other person show they care about what we are saying



To summarize.... the way it happens for me when I am angry.. my words become louder, my emotions more intense, I accentuate certain words for effect; only certain responses will satisfy me and I generally want to see immediate action… not to mention all the non verbal communication shown through my body language, stance, expressions…. And the end result of my attempt to communicate when I get like this is usually not what I want, yields nothing positive for me, or the other person.


5 Reasons for Positive Communication


One….

A communication system or style that frequently breaks down into negativity and attack or silence only deepens wounds and rifts… A negative communication loop makes things worse..


Two….

Positive communication is “contagious. When you communicate positively, others tend to mirror it. They listen better and understand more, and in turn they feel better. Positive communication invites positive communication…


Three….

Four…..

- Reduce defensiveness
- Encourage collaboration
- Reinforce positive change


Five……

Positive Communication helps everywhere.. “The skills apply to every interpersonal situation”





Seven Elements of Positive Communication

The book mentions how most of us can relate to preparing for a presentation for work, or prepping for a job interview.. we give thought to many of the important yet emotionally challenging conversations we know we will have.. but often with the people who mean the most to us.. our own family, or close friends.. we just wing it.. little or no preparation in what will be most effective in terms of communicating with our loved one given our unique circumstances.


1. Be Positive

Another meaning of “positive” is to describe what you want, instead of what you don’t want….



2. Be Brief

Less is more.. preparing in advance helps us zone in on the core points of the discussion we want to have without going off on tangents.. “Erroneous words can drown out your core message. Less gets you more”



3. Be Specific

From the book:

“Vague requests are easy to ignore or misunderstand and are often difficult to translate into concrete behavior…. In contrast, referring to specific behaviors makes change observable, measurable, and reinforceable”



4. Label Your Feelings

A description of your emotional reaction to the problem at hand can help elicit empathy and consideration. State your feelings in a calm, non-accusatory manner, and try not to hyperbolize.



5. Offer an Understanding Statement

Genuine understanding helps reduce defensiveness and promote collaboration… Putting yourself in the other persons shoes.. aka.. empathy.


6. Accept Partial Responsibility

“Sharing in a problem, even a tiny bit of the problem, also decreases defensiveness and fosters collaboration. It shows the other person you’re interested in solving, not blaming. Accepting partial responsibility does not mean taking the blame, or admitting faults; it communicates “Were in this together” … “sometimes I overreact”, “Im not the best communicator myself”



7. Offer to Help

[quote] Especially when phrased as a question, an offer to help can communicate non-judgmental, problem solving support…. “ Would it help if I..” “ How can I Help” …let your loved one know you are willing to collaborate on a solution.


Important point from the book on the use of Positive Communication.. I wont quote the example, but this part is key I think:


Chapter 9 – To be continued…..

jacrazz

When you know better, you do better

allforcnm

Chapter 9 – continued


I haven’t shared very many of the examples from the book, but I thought Id show this one as it identifies different components of positive communication between a wife and her husband.



Techniques and Suggestions to help with conversations:


Prepare and Practice

“It can take literally hours of practice to transcend negative habits that in many cases were ingrained over the years. Simplicity and grace do not typically come easily.”



Consider your Timing

“Pick an optimal time for communication by drawing on the wealth of information you have about yourself and your loved one” The book suggests looking at times of day, discussions that are best over dinner, over the phone, in the car…. When you’re both in a good mood, and when your loved one isn’t intoxicated. (Over-responding, under-responding, misunderstanding, & forgetting are often the result)



Pace Yourself and Prioritize

Key points.. change is gradual. Even positive communication can backfire if you pile on too much at one time.. Prioritize, set goals..



Start Small

Key points I see.. Break things down into smaller pieces. Espcially in the beginning while learning to use the techniques practice on smaller conversations, smaller requests, and manage your own expectations.



Manage Your Tone of Voice

“ Tone trumps content”

Note: Had to double check myself, sine qua non = an essential condition; a thing that is absolutely necessary

Key point shared from the book: This is another reason why self-care is very important. We need to learn to better manage our own emotions, before we can present proper tone. Learning how to use the right tone’ (tone management) can often be one of the hardest components of communication, and it’s not something that is easily faked.



Relax Your Body and Take Care of yourself

“Paying attention to your body during communication will help you regulate your tone, pace, and all the other factors of effective communication. “

Do you regularly exercise? Meditate? Get enough rest? Eat well? Start with these…

allforcnm

Listen

Really listen..

This part is rather funny.. “often people think they’re listening, what they’re actually doing is waiting for the other person to stop talking” Im guilty of this.

Listening is Active and Not Passive.

“ To be a successful listener, you may have to change your mental frame-work for the whole situation. A man listening to his wife with the assumption that she’s irrational is probably not really listening. If he’s listening at all, what he’s taking in is just the evidence that “proves” him right – and justifies his next argument. “

I want to add there is no bias here.. the person listening in this example.. the one with the pre-existing assumptions already in mind… is the family member.

One example… the assumption EVERYTHING the addicted spouse says is just a manipulation, or every word that comes out of his mouth is just a lie…so as a family member, I won’t waste my time listening except to catch points that I can later use in the next argument against him. Wrong approach and this is where a change in mental framework is required.

One of the goals of CRAFT is to collaborate with our loved one.

“….Try to make listening your goal for the moment. Think of listening as collaborating. “


Reflective Listening is also key…




Validate

Key points for me: Use of certain validations to defuse emotions, letting the other person know they are being heard, their feelings are not being dismissed, and for example if someone shares they are angry at you, this can be validated by acknowledging they are angry, but its doesn’t imply you allow yourself to be fair game while they rant at you in order to make themselves feel better. This is why we each have our own personal limits on what is acceptable, and not.



Ask Permission

Tone matters here too.. Imagine the different ways you can ask these questions, and the tone used.. Can I Give you some advice? Is it okay if I tell you my thoughts about this?



“Sandwich” It

LOL -- “ Offer a tasty communication sandwich”

“Sandwiching” in communication is when you put a request or potentially distressing message between two positive statements.

Example from the book: “I can see how hard you’ve been working and I know you’re under a lot of stress. I would like you to come home earlier on weeknights, and I see how difficult that might be to schedule, but I have some ideas how to help.



Use “I “ Statements

Key points… It effectively decreases defensiveness in others, when you speak from your own experience; you can take responsibility for your own feelings and show your loved one how to do the same.



Use your Awareness

Key point for me: During a conversation its ok to stop, start over, ask to continue later.. Monitor yourself, and how the conversation is going. If it goes off track make adjustments.



Try To Let Go Of Any Attachment To The Outcome

“Positive Communication skills will improve your odds of being heard and your loved one feeling understood, but for any given conversation the outcome is not guaranteed.”

NATO – Not Attached To Outcome



Communication Traps

From the book… it discusses forms of communication that are not successful: nagging, pleading, threatening, accusing, yelling, lecturing, pouring out liquor or flushing drugs, etc… They also add in the following to avoid… cursing and name-calling. (I agree )

However the book says to remember we are all under stress and probably have not been coping well. We have to learn. Once we know better, we do better. In the past we may have behaved in the ways previously stated. We have to practice the new approaches, and realize the positive communication techniques are backed by research /evidence and are proven effective strategies. Practice our new skills with confidence.



What if there is no Communication?

Look at the ratio between how much your thinking about the problem vs how much you talk about it.

Look at the anxiety you feel holding the problem in vs if you confronted it directly

Study positive communication techniques to practice what you might like to say

allforcnm

The Pain that Comes with Honesty

This discussion which I originally was exposed to through my therapist made a huge difference in my ability to understand my husband’s behaviors: why he lied, told partial truths, said things to appease others, and falsely allowed himself to believe certain things.

I think this section is very helpful for families.. Because we can often take lying personally, or write it off as a character flaw when as described in the book it is really a behavioral issue, a means to cope with a compulsive behavior, and fairly easily explained.

If we understand “the why” then we can remove the personal attachment, and we can begin to heal from the hurt we originally associated with these behaviors.

Its easier to tell the boss you were out sick, instead of crashing.

Easier and less painful to tell themselves, I’ll be able to quit, than admitting I thought I could stop two years ago and still haven’t.

Is it possible that:

1. He is afraid you will be disappointed?
2. She is afraid you will think she is weak?
3. He is afraid of real-world consequences (job loss, relationship loss, etc.)
4. She feels overwhelmed at the idea of trying to change?
5. He is afraid that he cant change?

Yes, people with substance issues do have feelings; often amplified feelings..

From the book: “Rather than brand someone as a liar, we can look closely at where the lying is happening in this person’s life. Can you understand the reasons behind it? Is it mostly about substance use? Does the truth ever come out, or do the lies go on and on? Is there remorse? If the dishonesty you see does not spill over into every part of your loved ones life, and it is reasonably contained and regretted, then it is within the range of normal for a person with substance problems”

Key points: We don’t have to like the lying, pretend to like it, or remove consequences for it occurring. But if we understand it then we can come at it from a different place emotionally, and in this chapter about communication… controlling our emotions will help us communicate better and reduce the chances we will fall into the communication traps.

The chapter follows with exercises, and I think the final key point is to practice these skills; they are something we CAN learn.

allforcnm

Chapter 10 – Reinforcement – The Driver of Change

From the book:

“You recall from the first chapters of the book how the decisions to use mood altering substances is a choice that most people make, even if at later stages the behavior is so automatic that it no longer looks like the individual has a choice. And you know now, the choice does not result from craziness, immorality, or bad character. It is informed by a unique combination in each person of genetics, environment, physiological and psychological variables, life experiences and learning and habit formation. “

This chapter has two parts..

1. How Reinforcement Works
2. How to Identify and work with Reinforcements



Before I continue, the Beyond Addiction book mentions an article that was published in the New York Times and back in 2006 and it went viral. I'd like to share it here..


What Shamu Taught Me About a Happy Marriage
By AMY SUTHERLAND

AS I wash dishes at the kitchen sink, my husband paces behind me, irritated. "Have you seen my keys?" he snarls, then huffs out a loud sigh and stomps from the room with our dog, Dixie, at his heels, anxious over her favorite human's upset.


In the past I would have been right behind Dixie. I would have turned off the faucet and joined the hunt while trying to soothe my husband with bromides like, "Don't worry, they'll turn up." But that only made him angrier, and a simple case of missing keys soon would become a full-blown angst-ridden drama starring the two of us and our poor nervous dog.

Now, I focus on the wet dish in my hands. I don't turn around. I don't say a word. I'm using a technique I learned from a dolphin trainer.

I love my husband. He's well read, adventurous and does a hysterical rendition of a northern Vermont accent that still cracks me up after 12 years of marriage.

But he also tends to be forgetful, and is often tardy and mercurial. He hovers around me in the kitchen asking if I read this or that piece in The New Yorker when I'm trying to concentrate on the simmering pans. He leaves wadded tissues in his wake. He suffers from serious bouts of spousal deafness but never fails to hear me when I mutter to myself on the other side of the house. "What did you say?" he'll shout.

These minor annoyances are not the stuff of separation and divorce, but in sum they began to dull my love for Scott. I wanted — needed — to nudge him a little closer to perfect, to make him into a mate who might annoy me a little less, who wouldn't keep me waiting at restaurants, a mate who would be easier to love.

So, like many wives before me, I ignored a library of advice books and set about improving him. By nagging, of course, which only made his behavior worse: he'd drive faster instead of slower; shave less frequently, not more; and leave his reeking bike garb on the bedroom floor longer than ever.
We went to a counselor to smooth the edges off our marriage. She didn't understand what we were doing there and complimented us repeatedly on how well we communicated. I gave up. I guessed she was right — our union was better than most — and resigned myself to stretches of slow-boil resentment and occasional sarcasm.

Then something magical happened. For a book I was writing about a school for exotic animal trainers, I started commuting from Maine to California, where I spent my days watching students do the seemingly impossible: teaching hyenas to pirouette on command, cougars to offer their paws for a nail clipping, and baboons to skateboard.

I listened, rapt, as professional trainers explained how they taught dolphins to flip and elephants to paint. Eventually it hit me that the same techniques might work on that stubborn but lovable species, the American husband.
The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don't. After all, you don't get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband.

Back in Maine, I began thanking Scott if he threw one dirty shirt into the hamper. If he threw in two, I'd kiss him. Meanwhile, I would step over any soiled clothes on the floor without one sharp word, though I did sometimes kick them under the bed. But as he basked in my appreciation, the piles became smaller.

I was using what trainers call "approximations," rewarding the small steps toward learning a whole new behavior. You can't expect a baboon to learn to flip on command in one session, just as you can't expect an American husband to begin regularly picking up his dirty socks by praising him once for picking up a single sock. With the baboon you first reward a hop, then a bigger hop, then an even bigger hop. With Scott the husband, I began to praise every small act every time: if he drove just a mile an hour slower, tossed one pair of shorts into the hamper, or was on time for anything.
I also began to analyze my husband the way a trainer considers an exotic animal. Enlightened trainers learn all they can about a species, from anatomy to social structure, to understand how it thinks, what it likes and dislikes, what comes easily to it and what doesn't. For example, an elephant is a herd animal, so it responds to hierarchy. It cannot jump, but can stand on its head. It is a vegetarian.

The exotic animal known as Scott is a loner, but an alpha male. So hierarchy matters, but being in a group doesn't so much. He has the balance of a gymnast, but moves slowly, especially when getting dressed. Skiing comes naturally, but being on time does not. He's an omnivore, and what a trainer would call food-driven.

Once I started thinking this way, I couldn't stop. At the school in California, I'd be scribbling notes on how to walk an emu or have a wolf accept you as a pack member, but I'd be thinking, "I can't wait to try this on Scott."
On a field trip with the students, I listened to a professional trainer describe how he had taught African crested cranes to stop landing on his head and shoulders. He did this by training the leggy birds to land on mats on the ground. This, he explained, is what is called an "incompatible behavior," a simple but brilliant concept.

Rather than teach the cranes to stop landing on him, the trainer taught the birds something else, a behavior that would make the undesirable behavior impossible. The birds couldn't alight on the mats and his head simultaneously.

At home, I came up with incompatible behaviors for Scott to keep him from crowding me while I cooked. To lure him away from the stove, I piled up parsley for him to chop or cheese for him to grate at the other end of the kitchen island. Or I'd set out a bowl of chips and salsa across the room. Soon I'd done it: no more Scott hovering around me while I cooked.
I followed the students to SeaWorld San Diego, where a dolphin trainer introduced me to least reinforcing syndrome (L. R. S.). When a dolphin does something wrong, the trainer doesn't respond in any way. He stands still for a few beats, careful not to look at the dolphin, and then returns to work. The idea is that any response, positive or negative, fuels a behavior. If a behavior provokes no response, it typically dies away.

In the margins of my notes I wrote, "Try on Scott!"

It was only a matter of time before he was again tearing around the house searching for his keys, at which point I said nothing and kept at what I was doing. It took a lot of discipline to maintain my calm, but results were immediate and stunning. His temper fell far shy of its usual pitch and then waned like a fast-moving storm. I felt as if I should throw him a mackerel.
Now he's at it again; I hear him banging a closet door shut, rustling through papers on a chest in the front hall and thumping upstairs. At the sink, I hold steady. Then, sure enough, all goes quiet. A moment later, he walks into the kitchen, keys in hand, and says calmly, "Found them."

Without turning, I call out, "Great, see you later."

Off he goes with our much-calmed pup.

After two years of exotic animal training, my marriage is far smoother, my husband much easier to love. I used to take his faults personally; his dirty clothes on the floor were an affront, a symbol of how he didn't care enough about me. But thinking of my husband as an exotic species gave me the distance I needed to consider our differences more objectively.

I adopted the trainers' motto: "It's never the animal's fault." When my training attempts failed, I didn't blame Scott. Rather, I brainstormed new strategies, thought up more incompatible behaviors and used smaller approximations. I dissected my own behavior, considered how my actions might inadvertently fuel his. I also accepted that some behaviors were too entrenched, too instinctive to train away. You can't stop a badger from digging, and you can't stop my husband from losing his wallet and keys.

PROFESSIONALS talk of animals that understand training so well they eventually use it back on the trainer. My animal did the same. When the training techniques worked so beautifully, I couldn't resist telling my husband what I was up to. He wasn't offended, just amused. As I explained the techniques and terminology, he soaked it up. Far more than I realized.
Last fall, firmly in middle age, I learned that I needed braces. They were not only humiliating, but also excruciating. For weeks my gums, teeth, jaw and sinuses throbbed. I complained frequently and loudly. Scott assured me that I would become used to all the metal in my mouth. I did not.

One morning, as I launched into yet another tirade about how uncomfortable I was, Scott just looked at me blankly. He didn't say a word or acknowledge my rant in any way, not even with a nod.
I quickly ran out of steam and started to walk away. Then I realized what was happening, and I turned and asked, "Are you giving me an L. R. S.?" Silence. "You are, aren't you?"

He finally smiled, but his L. R. S. has already done the trick. He'd begun to train me, the American wife.

allforcnm

Chapter 10 – continued

Reinforcement: The Driver of Change

This chapter begins by referring back to chapter 1 – where there was a discussion on how the decision to use a substance is based upon a choice that people make. Two important points noted:

1. In later stages of addiction the behavior/choice becomes “automatic” in nature.

2. People do not use drugs because they are crazy, of bad character, or poor morals. The author says “ It is informed by a unique combination in each person of genetics, environment, physiological and psychological variables, life experiences, and learning and habit formation” .


When I think of some of my own “reinforcers” –

I have a cup of coffee in the morning - I feel awake, warm and nourished.

When I get enough sleep at night – I wake up with more energy and a better outlook for the day.

When someone says something nice to me at work – I feel good


Last post I shared the article called: “ What Shamu taught me about a happy marriage”; this was referenced in the book along with this comment: “ ….along with being funny and cute, it illustrates the power of behavioral strategies, particularly reinforcement, to promote change. People aren’t dogs or rats. Or Orcas. But reinforcement is a staple of some of the most effective therapeutic approaches with humans”.


Reinforcement in the Choice to Use Substances

The book gives examples of how reinforcement works… when I drink = I feel relaxed. Being relaxed is a positive response for this specific person. The feeling of relaxation after drinking is then a reinforcement. As I understand it this is a case of something positive happening as a result of drinking.

There is also another case… where the intent is to prevent something negative from happening…

i.e. When I drink I don’t think about the problems at home… the reinforcement in this case is the prevention of negative feelings and thoughts.


Both of these situations make sense to me.. it fits with my own behaviors, and matches what I saw with my husband’s behaviors while he was using substances also.

Thinking about this.. its really not shocking that we can purposefully use reinforcements to make behaviors more likely to occur & to be repeated.


The book offers examples, obviously some can get complex so I wont do one of those; but a simple one:

Wife comes home on time from work & sober.

The husband uses the knowledge he has of his wife; and what he knows appeals to her; what she would view as a positive reinforcement..

1. He might show his pleasure in her coming home on time, and offer to cook dinner

2. He might take care of the kids, and give her half hour to unwind from the day

Coming home sober is then related to positive relationships with her husband, time to relax and a less stressful evening at home. If she is triggered to drink due to stress, then she also has less incentive to drink during the evening hours.

The people in our lives interact with us & provide reinforcement; positive or negative. The derived benefit of an action (including using a substance) can be altered due to the expected outcome.

I don’t recall this being in the book but Im reminded of the saying “no man is an island unto himself”. We interact, and are influenced by the people who are closest to us in our lives.


Just a note I wanted to share.. from my overall understanding of substance abuse & concepts from the book. Many people can change their behaviors and alter their choices & behaviors over time.. as they move along the stages of change.. sometimes this can be done under ones own power, and at other times this will need to includes professional treatment. An important part of reinforcement process IMO is that people can find their denial somewhat broken by wanting to take an action, such as not drinking in order to reap the desired rewards.. but find themselves unable to do so successfully. This can prompt the desire to seek professional help for their addiction issues. The family member is not curing the addiction.. this is about influence, reinforcements, and how these things play an integral role in how choices are made.

One shortened example from the book because I think it shares an important message..

Lucy and Ivan… When her husband Ivan kept his drinking to 2-3 drinks; Lucy found his behaviors acceptable and she enjoyed spending time with him. So she took her focus off thinking about how he behaved when he drank more; louder, less funny, less attractive to her. She encouraged the behaviors she wanted to see using positive communication skills and relaying this to him directly, and by reinforcing the positive behaviors by two things she knew he found rewarding: her attention and affection. In time, Ivan began to realize on his own when he drank less he felt closer to his wife. She laughed at his jokes and he loved making her laugh. Their relationship was better, they would go to bed at the same time, there was greater likelihood of their having sex, and sex was better when they were happy with each other, not to mention he enjoyed it more when his body was not negatively influenced by the alcohol. All of these things became positive reinforcements to Ivan and he wanted to change his behaviors and drink less.

From the book:

PinkCloudsCharley

wonderful summaries, Allfor.

I'm struggling with this last one right now. I try so hard for positive reinforcers. But when H goes off on what our counselor calls a "dry drunk" or what I call a loop, I have a very hard time moving back into positive. It's getting harder and harder each time it happens for me to move forward. It seems like I'm getting stuck in it now and I am starting to view any positive reinforcement on my part as a reward for bad behaviour on his part. Does that make sense? I want to be genuine and true with my feelings, and being positive after he has lost it is very hard, especially since he won't talk about how he hurt me because he feels so embarrassed and ashamed.

allforcnm

When I was updating the book thread I was thinking about you. I was afraid you would think I was suggesting you bump up work on reinforcements.. but I wasn’t,.. this is just what came next in the book.

I know things are stressful for you right now, and I will share a few of my thoughts on Reinforcement Strategies in case it helps.

I think its purposely put towards the end of the book because initially we need to learn about addiction, and then turn the focus on ourselves; learn coping tools, self care, examine our lives, see how far we have been living beyond our own limits, and learn to have fun again. Do you remember the quote in the book that says “Brake before you Break”. Sometimes we just have to stand still, evaluate where we are at, and focus attention on our self. We need to do this or we don’t have anything to offer our loved one.
Do you remember the quote that says, Taking care of ourselves helps our loved ones too.

When we try to provide reinforcements, I think we do it for ourselves as much as we do for our loved one.. but we have to be in a place where we are able to be “engaged” with them, be around them, and enjoy time spent in their company. Ive always tried to explain in the case of myself and my husband, everything I did was genuine, with real feeling.. a lot like what was described in the book example. I benefited from changing my focus and setting goals (i.e. for the evening). If your not in the right place emotionally then you cant be sincere in your actions.. our loved ones will sense this too.. it comes across in our tone, our behaviors.. we might suggest a walk after dinner as an alternative to husband retreating to his computer room (where he might drink or pop a pill) but if things are so tense between us that we cant enjoy the walk or share pleasant small talk.. then its probably not going to end up a positive experience for either of us.. and it wont be a positive reinforcement for our loved one either. Do you know what I mean?

We are in control of our own feelings and emotions, but we are also influenced by how we are treated overall by our spouse.. some things they do build walls and cause distance… and I think in these times we have to be careful about our interactions, and keep most the focus on our own emotional wellbeing.

The other thing I wanted to mention.. Reinforcements are specific, measurable, reasonable.. and do-able for us… goals we can set… they help provide positive alternatives to actions/choices.

Its not part of an emotional cycle.. i.e. - a wife and husband argue.. and then the next day he apologizes.. If we know it’s a pattern of behavior then we can actually reinforce this pattern IF we deny our own feelings in an attempt to make him feel better the day after. Feeling bad is actually a natural consequence of the behavior, and it can also be motivation for change.

I just mention this because I think sometimes just in general its assumed Community Reinforcement is about being nice, and kind and forgiving … but everything in the concepts of reinforcement is very basic and about behaviors and motivation. We as individuals have to define our limits, know where we bend and where we brake (or break) as we go through the ebb and flow of the journey.

PinkCloudsCharley

No worries, Allfor, I didn't think you were directing it at me

I try so hard though to live with a positive but realistic attitude. H wants only positive and never anything negative - although he goes on these horrible negative streaks - so I try very hard to balance rose-coloured glasses with reality.

I think I am starting to really realize how much of his behaviour is a pattern, like you said, and how it is impacting me. I've pushed it aside for so long, hoping that if I focus on the positive side of things and overlook the negative things would be better. And H continually asks me to do that, but what is he actually asking is for me to overlook the negative and abusive things he says and to only focus on the positive things he says, even when those things are in the same conversation or even sentence. I'm realizing that not only is that not realistic, it's not healthy. It does not give him any responsibility for his words, it does not give me any allowance for my feelings.

I know the book talks a lot about natural consequences ... I learned a long time ago that natural consequences made my H feel bad and drink more, which made him become more verbally abusive and hurt me more. So I learned to soothe and shield him. I'm not willing to do that anymore, and so it's becoming very hard for me to stand up and not deny my feelings.

this is really a very, very helpful thread for me - thank you Allfor

allforcnm

Charley,

When you say your husband would get upset and drink more if you didn’t smooth things over, does this mainly have to do with the loops and the raging type of behavior directed at you? Or is it other things too? I don’t think we should turn a blind eye to damaging behaviors like what happens when someone rages or makes personal assaults. But at least for me, I did ignore a lot of negative things when my husband was in early recovery because it was related to process of change & recovery issues. The best example I can think of at the moment, is men dealing with pregnant women and hormones. (me as a current example).. But it still wouldn’t give me a free pass if I raged at him, throwing all sorts of names and threats, and especially not if it happened on a regular basis.. Im pretty sure he would escort me to the doctor and tell them I had gone mad. LOL

allforcnm

Im happy this thread has been helpful to you Charley. Your such a kind and thoughtful person and its been a pleasure to get to know you. I wanted to give you some additional resources to learn about the Community Reinforcement and Family Training approach (Craft) because Im no longer going to continue with this thread, and I know you have been serious about wanting to learn.- no, it has nothing to do with You, or the new baby I have on the way.. LoL My family has actually been what has motivated me to share the approaches that worked for me/us during the time of my husband’s addiction and subsequent recovery. We made it through united, and I credit most of it to the quality of treatment we both received, and the way we approached the challenge.

To finish off the chapters, please finish reviewing this book of course: Beyond Addiction How Science and Kindness Help People Change by Dr Jeffrey Foote, PHD, Dr. Nicole Kosanke PHD, Carrie Wilkinson - I have read it twice and I drew more out during the second read... doing the book review has been helpful for me also.

I also suggest this book as it was the one my therapist recommended initially: Get Your Loved One Sober Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading and Threatening by Robert J Meyers, PhD, and Brenda Wolfe PhD

There are also resources available at Smartrecovery.org This is of course a non profit, and they try to follow Evidence Based behavioral approaches to deal with addiction in families. Craft is part of their program as you know.. Utilize their forums, chat rooms, online and face to face meetings if it appeals to you. Many people are going through the same things you are, and it can be helpful to talk to others who not only are going through what you are, but also have the same general outlook as you do.

There are also a growing number of resources for Craft, just search online; seek and you shall find.. LOL

And I know your having some issues with your therapist. I just wanted to say, the type of treatment we seek is very important I think. I am incredibly grateful to the therapist I worked with initially, she was wonderful, and made a huge difference in my life. Its ok to leave a therapist if there is no connection, or if they are taking you down a road that is unhelpful to you. From my experience, if you want one who understands this approach, they should be specialized in behavioral therapies, believe in evidence based treatments for addiction in the family, be able to offer cognitive behavioral therapy, and understand CRA- Community Reinforcement Approach which is the foundation from which Craft was built. Inquire about their credentials /qualifications.

Spend as much time seeking the right help for yourself as you would if you were facing any other medical / psychological event in your life. What I learned was decisions I made early on truly did affect my future and that of my family. Its serious stuff - life & death. With emotional, social, environmental, and financial considerations all of which affect our decisions.

Hope things go well for you.

cleaninLI

Allfor thank you for this very informative book review. Your integrity and sacrifice never seize to amaze me. You have become a dear friend to me.
Thank you!

whowho

Thanks to this thread I started reading this book yesterday. I am feeling so hopeful! I love the approach. So many other things I have read have a feeling of shame and/or hopelessness/inevitability.

Anyway, I am reading the part about reinforcement and I have an issue.

While thinking up competing activities that can take the place of what H gets from drinking I have realized that almost every single activity he enjoys is something he can get alcohol at or bring it to.

Massage is the only thing I can come up with that is relaxing, de-stressing and does not include alcohol.

Things that he enjoys and I think could be relaxing on their own are: movies, comedy clubs, socializing, nice restaurants, watching TV. He always has alcohol at all of these, though.

I feel stuck since it seems like I need several more ideas of things he enjoys, but I can't think of any.

I'm going to have to dig deep or we might have to broaden both our horizons. Maybe a dance class (something he is talked about before) or some other weekly activity together that is new.

Morning Glory

Hi whowho.

Hopefully one of the members who follow this method will be along to offer suggestions.

PinkCloudsCharley

Hi Whowho and welcome to our board! I'm still very new to Smart and Craft, but I love your idea if broadening your horizons. At the beginning of my H's sobriety it was very important for him to not only find new things to do to create new fun memories to draw from, but also to simply keep his mind off drinking. The distractions are good at first to ease with the initial cravings, but after that comes the hard work of working through the reasons why the abuse started.