allforcnm

Thanks for sharing Sauerkraut

I don't have experience with Antabuse.. my husbands primary drug was opiate based pain meds.. but he used the drug Naltrexone (aka Vivitrol) for a few months while he was in rehab.. and it was under their guidance while he went through therapy. My husband went through a rapid detox procedure and they did an injection at the end of it.. but they had discussed it in advance and like your saying & as the book says.. I think this drug and Antabuse also work best when combined with therapy to work on personal issues and use of CBT or other therapies to deal with addiction issues. What I found with therapy ( did some myself ) was that it wasn't like supervision, but more like they helped me find my own answers... and sped up the healing process. I was just reading something about SMART also.. that one of the reasons lots of people are drawn to it is because they want support, guidance in using the Smart Toolbox but most also value the independence it gives them, no sponsors, and its very customizable per individual.... I like that aspect myself.

Does your husband stop taking just so he can drink, or does he just start drinking after he stops.. what comes first the chicken or the egg.. LOL

I could tell when my husband was using.. maybe not every incident.. but his mood would change and he just wasn't like his normal self.. and he would act different, stay out, etc.. and then often I could see dilated pupils... but at the same time he was functional and held down a good job.. so it wasn't always obvious especially when he tried to cover it..

But your right.. its hard to know when to apply the appropriate reinforcement when your not sure what your seeing.. I don't know if you have read the GYLOS book.. Get your loved one sober.. it was the first book I reviewed on CRAFT.. in there a little more than in this book I think.. it talks about looking at patterns of behavior and for things that typically will trigger our loved ones to use... precursors we can learn to identify, etc. Im sure you already have identified many of these without even trying... as in " I know that will set him off"... "or I can tell by his tone of voice or topic of conversation" ..

allforcnm

I wanted to share something here... its not from the Beyond Addiction book, but I picked it up over at Smart Recovery a while back. Since we are in the phase of the book discussing taking care of ourselves... I thought it would fit in good here.. the topic is on learning how to form a healthy Interdependence in our relationships...

While expressing our love and affection are positive acts, it is important to make sure that you are reaching out to others with sincere affection instead of the need to fill up the emptiness inside of you. Looking to others to fill the void within us can leave them feeling drained. It also prevents you from paying attention to the emptiness you are feeling and seeing how you can fulfill yourself. Try to give of your love without an agenda or any strings attached. Others will be grateful to you today for loving them in conscious ways.

Taking care of our emotional needs allows us to form healthy, interdependent relationships. The people in our lives are there as companions on our journey and have their own purposes to fulfill. They are not here to keep us constantly entertained or meet our every emotional need. When we can relate to people in a way that our relationships add to our already full lives instead of becoming the center of our focus, we create interdependence instead of dependence. Instead of looking to others to meet the needs that we should be filling for ourselves, or expecting our loved ones to harbor us from any uncomfortable feelings, we can benefit from nurturing ourselves. Take care of your needs today, and you'll know that the tokens of affection you give to others won't come with any strings attached.

When we make an effort to know ourselves, we are better able to communicate with others on a deeper level. When we develop our relationship with ourselves, we invest in our most important relationship. We become aware of our deepest needs and desires, and we can act with confidence and purpose in our relationships because we know who we are and what we want. This intimacy with ourselves and others allows for clear and honest communication and creates richer relationships. Know who you are and honestly express yourself when communicating with the people in your life today, and all your exchanges will be meaningful and authentic.

allforcnm

Chapter 6 - Have Your Limits

From the book:

In theory we can handle anything. In the real world, everyone has limits - to what they can tolerate and what they can do.

Coping doesn’t mean lying to yourself or anyone else about what’s okay and how much you can take. Sometimes you can’t and shouldn’t put up with one more disappointment.

The question I see posed is.. What are our individual limits? And how do we respond to these limits within ourselves?

Limits can also be called... personal thresholds, boundaries, life rules, or expectations.

Limits protect our physical and mental well-being as we interact with other people

Acceptable, not acceptable and what we as individuals can tolerate or not...

Our limits may change... we may encounter a situation we think beforehand no way can we handle it. But because we are changing; learning better coping skills, probably having a different outlook, more information... whatever the case may be ... we will rise to the occasion. And the other parallel is sometimes we will find our limits were overstated; we can’t cope emotionally or physically.

The book asks these questions:

1. Do you find yourself doing or saying things in the moment that you later regret?

2. Are you acting in ways that don’t match your internal image of yourself and the person you would like to be?

3. Do you notice tension, resentment, or frustration building up within you when you are with your loved one?

4. Do you feel mentally and physically ok?

If you answered yes to any of these you may be living beyond your limits


This reminds me of the Oxygen Mask rule used at Smart Recovery; basically we can’t help anyone else until we have secured ourselves, made sure we have the necessary oxygen we need to keep going...without it, we won’t be able to help ourselves or anyone else.

I like this quote from the book:

"Knowing your limits is part of being aware and having reasonable expectations; you can work with them instead of being shattered and surprised by them"

I feel having expectations is a good thing; the key is in keeping reasonable expectations. We can learn to do this. Some say it’s best to have no expectations, but to me this would imply I’m incapable of coping with setbacks or disappointments in life.

"Awareness won’t change your circumstances, but it does allow you to anticipate what’s coming and plan for it the best you can. Foresight gives you time to avoid situations that you know will push you over the edge, where you lose your temper and say things you regret, or cry so much you feel out of control, or otherwise dont recognize yourself "

I think this is also a very important point.. in order to stay "engaged" with our loved one who might still be using substances, or in early recovery where things can get precarious... we have to know ourselves, be able to control our emotions, know our limits so WE dont go out of control.

This also is along the lines of what someone in recovery for substances goes through... learning their emotional limits, triggers and how to better cope and avoid turning to a substance, or reverting back to unhealthy behaviors or attitudes.

For both of us it is a learning process... I think, especially true if family members have been reduced to a weakened, vulnerable emotional state caused by exceeding our own reasonable limits and stretching ourselves too thin.


Our limits are personal to us as individuals...

I think this is an important consideration.... we are each unique ... we have had our own set of experiences in life starting in childhood and running through to the present time. We have different ways to look at things... In the book, it gives an example... two people stuck in traffic... one may become angry, frustrated, tense, panicked while the other uses it as a time to listen to music and sing along accepting there will be a delay in all the other activities of the day. Why the different outlooks? I had to give it thought myself.... there are many variables.

I think it’s important we not compare ourselves to others too intensely when it comes to analyzing our limits, or boundaries. I personally feel they must be specific to the individual... right down to can I stay in this relationship and flourish or will it be too much and cause me to wither ? Each decision/self-imposing limit/boundary is very personal in my opinion.... I guess that why they are called "personal" limits and "personal" boundaries.

Our limits tend to follow certain patterns...

"If you can pause and examine how you respond to events and interactions with your loved one, you can begin to understand your limits"

The book asks:

Are there types or topics of discussion you've had with your loved one that always go badly?

In that situation have you ever felt pushed over the edge?

Has your loved one spoken or acted in ways that you find intolerable?

Has your loved one gotten into emotional states that you felt you couldn’t handle?

Do you extend yourself in ways that you later regret, such as lending money, giving time, or doing chores?

Do you find yourself ruminating or fixating on particular interactions with your loved one?

The book says to look to the four aspects of experience to increase your awareness of your limits... I wont go into much detail but the book covers each area in greater detail and offers exercises.



Emotions

This again also relates to our loved ones in my opinion.. they must learn to manage their emotions in the exact same way. So when we think how hard it is for us to manage our emotions.. remember, it’s the same challenge for our loved ones..


Physical Sensations

These I think we often relate to: tension in our neck, headaches, upset stomach, insomnia, physically trembling....etc.


Thoughts


This is an important one in my opinion; our thoughts are a reflection of our feelings and our understanding of the situation… when our thoughts drift to our loved one; it may be less about the other person and more about what’s really going on with us...our version, our perception, our own emotions running the show…

Psychologist call it "catastrophizing" ... dramatic, exaggerated things people say to themselves before they hit the wall....

Why do these things ALWAYS happen to me
He will NEVER change

The other side of thoughts is unrealistic.... unsustainable.... thinking we can disregard our limits because our loved one needs us available around the clock...


Actions


Braking Before You Break: Set Your Limits

Outside of the scope of self care… I feel this concept is also important... I think it often leads to dysfunctional patterns in relationships, detachment, and results in our being less effective to positively influence our loved on process of change.

This I think is also where we need to consider the concept of we do not cause it.... in regards to our loved ones. When we hit our breaking points ... our reactions, words, physical behaviors may be less than desirable towards our loved one. Theirs may not be desirable towards us either... no doubt about it... but each of us in turn will rely on our coping skills to calm ourselves, process the encounter, etc.. People with substance abuse issue's often turn to using or drinking to cope, escape, shut off the after effects... so we do not cause their drinking or drug use... but our behaviors do affect and influence our loved ones.. interactions can trigger their emotions... trigger their desire to use.

There is a big distinction… we don’t cause the drinking, but our behavior and actions do impact and influence our loved one…

BRAKE BEFORE YOU BREAK

The book gives some examples ... and suggests we ask ourselves questions such as these:

What exactly is it that I dread?
How can I prepare myself for the best and worst outcome?
What can I do with this anger (or other emotion) before it gets out of control?
How can I settle my anxiety/other emotions enough to think straight and make good decisions?

There are exercises in the book ....


Living Your Limits

Note in book... this chapter only discusses limits in terms of our own self-care... the next part of the book discusses more about this. This chapter is only meant to introduce limits and validate its ok for each of us to find our own.

The book also suggests a good way to begin defining our limits or boundaries is by starting with small, lower-stake limits that are less complicated.

Also know:
My first connection with this thought comes not from my husband, but from dealing with my child.. That is the way it worked… painful for both of us, but after a few repetitions we both learned and changed.. for the better. My husband and I worked on change also during his recovery, and it wasn’t as trying as dealing with my son but followed the same process flow.

Self care.... "awareness, acceptance, distress tolerance, rest, nourishment, exercise, getting help when you are physically or psychologically ill, and setting limits - are the materials for a stable foundation and an earthquake proof building. Stability doesn’t depend on nothing going wrong. Rather it depends on your ability to weather problems and mistakes, making sure the regular demands of life do not wear on the whole system too much, and repairing damages when they occur. "

Many exercises in the book on all of this.... and also a small section covering issues where actual violence is a concern... it’s not an in depth look at violence but an overview directing people who are concerned with this to become informed about domestic violence through places such as the Domestic Violence Hotline where your situation can be accessed for risk... also seek support through friends, family or other outside sources; don’t isolate with your concerns...pack a bag and be prepared for emergency exits... plan your exit in advance... have discussions with your kids (age appropriate), learn safety strategies and ways to protect yourself.. Consider legal actions, etc. Be Safe.

Next up.. Part III – How to Help

PinkCloudsCharley

This is interesting. I am realizing my limits are different now from what they were when H was actively drinking. I am wondering if this is healthy - I know that in a way it is, but also I worry that I am allowing my limits to be overrun if that makes sense? But I am overrunning them myself ... not sure I can explain what I mean.
I need to think about this chapter more.

allforcnm

How To Help

Chapter 7 - Start Where They Are

In this section we learn to set the empathetic stage and stop the fighting.

The section on “Goals and Problems” teaches us how to break down big problems into smaller solvable problems

The section on “Positive Communication” helps us fix the communication breakdowns.

In “Reinforcement” we learn to reward behaviors we want to support, and discourage behavior that is harmful to our loved ones and our family.

And in “Consequences” we learn the flip side of reinforcement.

The book suggests trying the helping strategies as we feel ready. And to also remember that by reading, educating ourselves, and by taking care of ourselves we are already helping.


Start Where Your Loved One Is

Key Point:

“While we appreciate your wishes ( they are reasonable, after all), CHANGE starts by recognizing what matters to you, what matters to your loved one, and the differences. “

“We ask you to appreciate that while you may not be in the same place, change starts where each of you are”

There is a good example in the book and I think it relates to the differences in perception… of our view versus our loved ones..

In the example a woman comes in for help; she is the substance abuser. She spends most of her time talking about her domineering husband. His judgments, constant criticism, she takes a defensive stance in explaining his complaints. She is also seeking understanding from the therapist that she isn’t getting at home. The woman had several mental health issues including OCD, insomnia. But her main complaint was that her husband complained about her drinking non stop. The issues of her drinking was hard to get to because when she thought of her drinking she constantly heard her husbands booming voice. The point being made is sometimes our efforts to help (nagging, pleading, lecturing) become the loudest voice in another persons head.. blocking out any thoughts of why they are drinking in the first place, and what they might do to change their behavior.


An Invitation to Change

Another good point in the book:

Its up to each of us to decide whether or not we use the CRAFT techniques and to what degree. We can stop at at the point of taking care of ourselves, and increasing our knowledge of addiction.

There is much supporting evidence behind the CRAFT methods.. they work a large % of the time to help our loved one along the path of change… but if we don’t have the desire to employ the strategies, well then we just don’t.. it’s a decision within ourselves. The book says… “as with dancing, it tends to work better when you volunteer”


Setting the Stage ( An invitation to stop yelling)

Do no harm…

The tone we take with our loved one has an impact

Stop yelling

We may yell to try to discourage a behavior.. but our yelling may be undermining our goal & reduce his own motivation to change.

We may yell in an attempt to communicate.. but what we may end up communicating is that we don’t think he is capable of change, and this can actually reduce his motivation to try and change.

Another patient example.. one takeaway… In part of her decision to change… after an incident.. her husband hadn’t yelled at her that night or the next morning. This had given her room to reflect on her behavior rather than feeling trapped between the rock of defending herself and letting her husband tell her what to do.

We are not being asked to stuff our feelings about our loved ones substance abuse. We need to express our feelings in constructive ways..

Ask ourselves IF yelling, giving the cold shoulder, belittling.. LOL I think all our unique expressions of anger and hostility…. have worked in the past to promote change, or did it even to make us feel better?

In answering this with my own experience with my husband.. yelling didn’t help him change, detaching from him didn’t help him change… He became defensive and set out to prove me wrong.. it made us more distant, less able to communicate about anything, and I didnt like my own behavior or the way it made me feel afterward.

The book says we are not expected to never yell again.. I think an interesting test in the process of change is to see how difficult it is for us to ‘avoid yelling’ … do we relapse from time to time?

We should commit to a clear, simple intent of no longer yelling.

The chapter on positive communication will help us communicate more effectively.


Avoid Arguing

The book suggest we notice our own triggers, and the physical changes that occur within us when we get angry, want to yell or argue. We are also asked to look at the physical changes of our loved one when we do yell or argue with them.. seeing these during the interaction can bring awareness & support the changes we want to make in our own behavior.

From the book:

One powerful way to avoid arguing and defuse defensiveness it to acknowledge the other persons mixed feelings and “roll” with them.
Going back to the earlier chapter where we discussed the role of ambivalence might be helpful here.. as I recall it’s a part of the change process… where people have one foot in, one foot out.. and the way I read here.. Ambivalence also applies when a person is trying to make a everyday decision.. there may be one pull such as wanting to come home late after work due to meeting a friend for drinks, and another pull to come home in time so he can attend a kickboxing class with his wife…

Instead of yelling, using guilt, running down the friend we cant stand, physically posturing to show our disgust… we respect his feelings and the dilemma he is faced with

Even if we think we are right, even if our feelings are being hurt, our partner is being obnoxious… if we fight with him, we are reinforcing the fighting.

When we refuse to argue, we help “extinguish” the behavioral dynamic.

I like this phrase… “then he’s just howling in the woods by himself”

Getting no response will raise the likelihood he will stop trying to pick a fight.


Questions for us to think about in terms of our own “helping” thoughts, behaviors, responses..

Do your actions or communications express empathy?

Are you trying to acknowledge, understand, and accept your loved on as she is, not how you wish she was?

Are you offering information, or are you pushing it on him, and arguing your opinion?

Do you recognize more than one good option?

Do you respect your loved ones freedom – and responsibility - to choose?

Have you considered her point of view? Are you taking into account what makes sense to her?

Do you believe in him? Do you recognize his abilities and see that he is capable of change?

Are you giving her positive feedback for positive behaviors?


The Voice in Your Head

The voice that says I cant help… this wont work….

With awareness and practice you can stand up to this voice.

You don’t know if you don’t try.

Its possible the voice is one of fear…. Or blame.. what if I fail? What if change doesn’t happen fast enough?

This also goes to the concept of the 3 P’s Ive heard.. practice, practice, practice… and in the this book they say… try again, and again, and again.. as long as we care to try, its our choice. I personally feel if we begin by paying attention to the self care taught at the beginning of the book, and we become better aware of ourselves and our situation.. then we are placed in a much better position to make healthy choices.. in many cases trying to promote change is a good choice.. seeing small positive changes can also reinforce we are on the right track…Likewise over time if things deteriorate I feel we will see this.. we are taught to become “aware” and “deal with reality” through CRAFT tools.

“Remember, you’re in this together - that’s why it works”

Chantal88

allforcnm -

Thanks for starting this thread! I don't mean to interrupt, just wanted to say thank you. I will be getting the book soon and hopefully catching up with the rest of you

PinkCloudsCharley

Welcome, Chantal. I can honestly say this book, along with this forum, has changed my life.

Allfor, this is an interesting recap. Right now I am dealing with the voices in my head. I learned from Blue that she was told recovery was perfectly attainable. I was told through the resources here that relapse almost always happens. Very interesting the differences in belief. Our marriage/addiction counselor told me he has counseled many people who never relapse again and that was the first time I had heard that. It also meant I could (maybe) begin to believe H when he says he is firm on not relapsing.

It also means that I need to change the way *I* interact with H based on the voices in my head. If I believe he can't do it, I will act that way. Or as I have learned, I will relapse on my own negative behaviours and treat myself poorly.

Also the way we interact with our loved ones ... this is hard for me. When I am angry or frustrated with H, I show it mostly thru my body language. Not supportive at all and I need to work on this.

interesting, interesting stuff!

Chantal88

Soverylost -

It's so funny that you talk about how our attitudes affect the way we interact with others, because I've been thinking about that very same thing.

Our thoughts literally create our reality, they are very powerful.

Like you I've been trying to be more mindful of my attitude and what energy I am projecting to others. The more I am conscious of it, the more I am conscious of what energy the people around me are projecting. Because whether we realize it or not - what we project does influence others.

When I meet people who are warm and positive and optimistic - I feel a little boost. And then when I meet people who seem to have a storm cloud over their head, I feel like I get rained on a little bit.

I deal with the negative "voices in my head" too Sovery. But we can decide if we want to give those voices power or not. And we can also decide if we want to listen to negative people or not and give them power over us.

C

BlueChair

Hi Chantal !

Soverylost,

When you mentioned relapse, see I used to be terrified. In my mind I kept picturing what happened before, one day he wont come home, or he would get extremely sick again. Those fears got so big they made me put up a wall. His doctors were much more optimistic, and realistic about it, and helped me level out my feelings. So many times I had the idea if he did ever relapse it would be a failure, but now I know its not healthy to look at it this way, and its also not realistic to see it like that. It would only be a bump in the road, and I have faith he would get it sorted out quickly, if he doesnt then we have fail safes in place. Its sort of like trusting in the process of change and growt but its hard to explain exactly. I know it has most to do with my ability to feel confident I can cope with whatever comes, and I feel a peace about it.

PinkCloudsCharley

Chantal, you are very right.

I remember when I came to this website for help. I asked if I had caused H's drinking. Most people said no, of course not. But our dear Blue said something that got me thinking ... she suggested that, while I didn't *cause* it, I could have *triggered* it.

The more I looked into this, the more I found it fit my situation. I would detach from my H and he would view that as me no longer loving him, and he would drink more. I had been counseled before that that any engaging could be considered enabling, so I completely detached.

As humans, we cannot live without positive interaction. Especially with the ones we are married to.

I took a long hard way at the way I was reacting to H. Now, please don't misunderstand - I did not cause him to drink, that was all him. He will say to anyone that was all him. But, I certainly did not make it a pleasant place nor give him much encouragement to stop. I loved him as much as I do now throughout the whole time, but I had detached and he couldn't see that I still loved him.

When I started helping create positive engagements and memories with him, things started to turn. I could see the struggle in him, wanting to be sober. We hit a very bad spot and I had to take the kids and he had to make a choice, go to detox/rehab, or leave. He has told me that since I had believed in him, and stood beside him, he was able to make the decision to start the journey to becoming healthy.

We are in counseling to learn how to positively engage with each other again and, I will say, it's so hard! So many years of lies and hurt and anger. I have a lot of anger right now that I am trying to deal with. But as long as we can continue to make those positive memories, H says he feels less pull to drink, and I have some great things in my memory bank to draw on during those times I get worried or scared or angry.

that's why I love this book and this forum, and why I say it has completely changed my life.

PinkCloudsCharley

Blue, I can understand all of this. I am beginning to see the opportunity in relapse - assuming of course that the relapse is followed by wanting to get back on the horse again, which is what H did when he came to bed with the huge glass of rum right after detox. There are so many growing and learning potentials in all of this for both of us.

My counselor has asked me about my own relapse plan, which is completely separate from H's. A relapse plan for my own responses and feelings and emotions. Curious that I never realized that I needed one too. But I do, because I have been changed by all of this too. I'm not sure what is it yet but I know it involves being kind and gentle and loving to myself, as I have not been at all throughout all of this.

My coworker today, whose husband also suffers from an addiction not chemically based, told me she learned so much and they grew so much separately and together as a couple that, as hard as it was, it was a blessing.

allforcnm

How To Help

Chapter 8 – Goals and Problems


This chapter focuses on showing the “CRAFT approach to developing reasonable, achievable, verifiable goals for yourself and your loved one.”

Maximize chances of success, minimize disappointment and conflict along the way

Note:
Craft uses 2 different Happiness Scales. The first was found in Chapter 4… to access how you feel about different areas of your life. This is considered a critical first step because it focuses on your whole life, not just the relationship with your loved one.

In this chapter there are exercises to help us look at our relationship in terms of the big picture.


The Relationship Happiness Scale

Whole relationship issues

Examples from the exercise include areas such as:

Emotional Connection / Support
Household Responsibilities
Money Management
Raising the children
Affection and/or sex
Substance use
Communication

The book says to make note that even though certain areas may have very low scores it doesn’t mean this is what we should tackle first. We need to keep in mind that some areas may have been in decline for a very long time, they may be complicated to resolve.. It is often best to begin with something that is less complex, where we can build our skills and confidence.


DOABLE GOALS

Break big goals down into smaller intermediate goals…



Six Guidelines For Goal Setting


1. A doable goal is stated simply and briefly

Keep it simple.. strive for clarity and concision.

Ex: Parents want their daughter to stop smoking pot… sounds clear and concise…. But through our learning about the process of change.. we now know… there are many things that make this unmanageably BIG for a first step… breaking it down into smaller doable goals is recommended…


2. A Doable goal is put in positive terms; what will be done rather than what wont.

Concrete positive steps we /or our loved one will take

Ex: Parents want their daughter to stop smoking pot, but she will not discuss it. Breaking it down into smaller positive goals… first rewrite comes out like this: we want our daughter to spend more time at home instead of smoking pot with her friends.


3. A doable goal is specific and measurable

To ask who, what, how, when, where

Ex: How much time could they ask their daughter to stay home, and when… in this example they decided to ask her to come straight home 3 days a week after school.


4. A Doable Goal is Reasonable and Achievable

Ex: the parents feel 3 days a week is reasonable, and it would help provide balance in their daughter’s life. But they also recognize coming home early meant not being with her friends and the benefits she felt from smoking pot… by putting themselves in “her shoes” they realized their daughter would not be happy coming home to “nothing” …. So they discussed how to make coming home more appealing… one thing they knew from their relationship with their daughter is that she wanted to have money for certain recreational activities… so their revised plan.. they would ask their daughter to come home 3 days a week directly after school, and she would earn x amount of dollars in those 3 days by performing certain household tasks including such things as helping her brother with his homework. They would in turn compliment their daughter on jobs well done.. also a simple but positive reward … I think this relates to improved positive feelings/self talk internally for the daughter.


5. A doable goal is one you have control over

The emphasis being what YOU have control over..

The book emphasizes the point: Influence is not control…

Ex: The parents could not control the daughter’s decision to part with her friends and come directly home. They could not perform the tasks at home for her.. it was her choice. What they could control and what they should focus on… their own thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and actions… they could make a chart to help track her progress, they could acknowledge the good work she was doing, and they could follow through with paying her for completing the tasks, and being genuinely happy when their daughter was able to enjoy the money she earned.


6. A doable goal relies on skills you already have or are learning

A reminder to make sure you have the skills to carry out your goals

Ex: Our goal is calmer communication in the evenings, but this requires our being able to control our anger / other emotions… Breaking this down … first I need to learn to manage my own anger…..

Ex: In the book example… the parents collaborated with their daughter after they had worked out their own ideas… they brought her into the process.. and began with a goal she was willing to work with… agreeing to come home directly after school 3 days a week & not smoking on those days with her friends. They proposed activities at home they knew their daughter could do successfully… Early success with doable goals /reward would foster her motivation to do more.. Success breeds success…
The book makes clear to note.. the parents didn’t change their overall goal of wanting their daughter to stop smoking pot.. but they were willing to have patience and allow her to experience a process of change, and form her own desire to completely stop…. By breaking the large goal down into smaller doable pieces.



How Do you Solve a Problem?




Eights Steps for Solving Problems Systematically


1. Define the Problem Narrowly


From the book: Often what we call “the problem” is really a pileup of problems that overwhelms us with its size and complexity when we regard it as one big thing. On closer inspection, the component problems may seem less daunting when we approach them separately.

Ex: A wife breaks down the bigger issue of her husbands substance abuse.. and decides to begin with their fighting and arguing. She began to log their fights on a daily basis over a period of time looking for patterns, triggers.. This corresponds with what is called “mapping” in the Get Your Loved One Sober book… In this example.. the wife broke down the arguments into smaller pieces.. and decided to start with the arguments that happened on Monday mornings after weekends when he used substances.. This was a “narrow” definition of the problem, and a good starting point.


2. Brainstorming Possible Solutions


Write down whatever thoughts occur… per the book: “ some of its going to be nutty. That’s ok , let it out”. Even consider brainstorming with a friend who is familiar with the problem.

Ex: Get husband to agree to a vow of silence on Monday mornings, Stay at a hotel on Sunday nights, Leave the room if we start to fight, Get a divorce, Get up early and leave the house for work


3. Eliminate Unwanted Solutions


Review the brainstorming list and cross off things you can’t imagine doing. From the book:

“forcing yourself into a solution that doesn’t suit you probably won’t be a viable solution after all.”

Ex: Going to a hotel would be too expensive for long term solution, and getting up early on Monday didn’t seem fair because she hated getting up at normal time on Monday, and divorce was more a vent in her mind than what she really wanted…. Etc.


4. Select one Potential Solution


If you come up with more than one option, try one at a time..

Ex: Striving for a vow of silence on Monday mornings might just work.. it would prevent trying to communicate when there were raw emotions, and maybe it could be turned into a game of sorts.


5. Identify Potential Obstacles


Ex: there might be a fight over the suggested solution, he might refuse, what if they needed to communicate during this time, what if it just felt like they were giving each other the silent treatment and detaching, what if it didn’t help?


6. Address Each Obstacle


Anticipate undesirable outcomes
Plan how to implement the planned solution
Expect the Unexpected in advance as much as possible

Ex: What time of the week would be the best to discuss this topic with her husband, how to engage him in the discussion and ask for his ideas, decision not to fight if he wasn’t in agreement with the idea, thinking of the discussion as a test on positive communication skills made it more appealing in her mind.


7. Assign Tasks and Timelines


Commit to action
Schedule the steps of the plan, then do it.

Ex: Write a draft of the discussion for planning purposes at lunch, try out her presentation on a close friend or family member on a weekend, take feedback and revise plans for the discussion


8. Evaluate the Outcomes


What works.. did the solution implemented work?

Ex: In the example, the husband also wanted to start Monday morning without fighting and agreed to try the vow of silence game. Silence changed the flow of the morning, but benefits were extended throughout the week. In this example, just to point out they began using verbal communication again after their respective day at work. It provided the downtime both needed to prevent emotional outburst and anger. The husband didn’t have to turn “defensive” every Monday morning and felt better being in her company. She no longer dreaded the start to the workweek.


Key points to think about:

Break down ultimate goals into doable goals, and solvable problems….

The book offers exercises in goal setting and problem solving…

Also want to mention, these steps work well for me in various areas of my own life. I've used variations for work situation, with my young son… as well as my husband in recovery.

BlueChair

Thanks for doing these Allfor, you do a great summary!

cleaninLI

Wow allfor! Thanks! Very informative!

peacelovesober

Wow. This is the most informed post i have read here. I have and currently struggle with some of the ideas about tough love and the ideas that addicts can't feel love ect. I have often been told this and I am just not sure that anyone can say that a being created to love is not capable. True they have an odd way to show it and often cover it up in other disguises but I believe they feel very deeply or they would not be turning to substance.

Its almost easier to tell myself when they are lying about everything and have reduced your home environment to shards of chaos to tell ourselves that they don't care but if they didn't then what are they doing.

I speak from personal experience when i say part of my own struggle with substance abuse was because i hurt so deeply and had no idea how to heal. I did some horrible things but I surely felt tons of emotion and was definitely capable of love.

Thanks everyone for this post. I'm going to get this book

PinkCloudsCharley

You know, you say the same thing as my H. He drank because he couldn't handle his emotions, he feels too deeply and can't deal with the depth and strength of them. To say they don't feel is absolutely incorrect, it's actually the opposite that's true.

I think they realize what they are doing, the chaos they are creating, and drink even more to help them deal with that realization. At least, my H did ... the alcohol was a "pain killer" to him and it took away all those horrible realizations.

Great post!

cleaninLI

(((Soverylost)))
Thank you for understanding us so well!

Peacelovesober, I am a RA too and have come to realize that A's are usually extremely sensitive. That we care very deeply. One of the biggest reasons I kept taking pills was because I couldn't face myself....my life....my family! This idea that we are not capable of love is simply not true! That we choose this for ourselves is also not true!

I can't tell you how appreciative I am of you guys...allfor, blue, soverylost and butter! You guys understand me more than anyone. This idea that family and people who are not suffering from an addiction can not understand us is hogwash! Totally untrue!

PinkCloudsCharley

Clean, you are an amazing person! And the fact you have chosen a healthy lifestyle and live it so well is something i find inspiring. When i am having a frustrating time with H, i think about you a lot and that helps me with him, not to mention how you have been able to give me some valuable insights to what he is going through! Knowing who you are and how you have come out on the other side, gives me real hope and i have learned to look at my H in a different way because of you.

Thank you.

allforcnm

Im pleased people are finding the thread helpful.. its really near and dear to me... the CRAFT concept.. this understanding of addiction... because it helped transform my life.. and I believe has helped my family.

I agree with the latest comments... first of all Im not bragging but I think I have a good understanding of addiction.. I learned it from the pros, and had my wonderful husband share so much with me.. Ive also for several years now had Cleanin... she has understood me better than most family members ever have.. I know she also has family members who suffer with addiction, but not once have I ever known us to be on different wavelengths..

I really think we need to stop thinking of addiction as an us/them type of thing.. its really a human thing.. and we are all capable of learning, interacting.. and sharing with one another... my husband does not get away with saying you cant understand.. well, then tell me... LOL

we've has so many discussions, can he relate to everyone who suffers from addiction.. he says no.. he has never injected drugs, abused alcohol, never been homeless, or stole for his addiction... he can relate to parts but not all and that's ok... everyone is unique in their experience .. but its all a human experience.

He also had tremendous emotions... I have to agree in most cases, people feel too much, they are more sensitive, and use a drug to cope with all those emotions. the emotions and thoughts are part of the trap that keeps addiction going.. guilt, shame, regret, fear. I have no idea why family is told "addicts" cannot love, cannot feel emotion.. I think it happens because of lack of knowledge.. and reliance on what can be seen.. he wouldn't lie if he loved you, he wouldn't spend savings if he cared... but its too simplistic unfortunately... People say love doesn't cure addiction.. but we know sometimes it does provide the motivation for change.. sometimes not.. one thing that motivated my husband was love for our then infant son, and his desire to be a great dad.. knowing he couldn't use drugs and be the kind of father he wanted to be. Many, many stories of people who stopped for their kids, grew out of their addiction.

PinkCloudsCharley

That is beautiful, Allfor.