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sorry for long post- need advice

Old 07-12-2020, 03:09 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
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sorry for long post- need advice

Hi everyone, iím new here.
My recent ex boyfriend, has known of me since we were very young (we hadnít met) and always had a crush on me. Recently, this past feb we officially met through a friend and beginning of april became official. The connection was instant, it felt real because we knew eachother for months prior to becoming intimate. It still feels real. I knew he was a former opioid addict, my understanding was he had been clean for about 4 years (of course i didnít know details regarding small slip ups but overall i thought 4 years) - our mutual friend also vouched for this.
looking back now, There were red flags from the start. I noticed he often spent a long time in the bathroom, and also (TMI?) while we had an amazingly passionate sex life, he would have delayed or no orgasm. He was on methadone maintenance so he blamed it on that.
Otherwise, we still had a regular and amazing sex life, talked all the time, hung out almost every night. Everything felt very health, consistent, we were happy. There was no question in my mind this felt meant to be. We always told eachother we love eachother, we would go for runs, walks, always had a good time. Fast forward to mid May, he became a little isolated and asked me to hang out less often. One time i was upset with him and he hung up on me, and i had to call him 10x before he answered and was quite rude, making me feel crazy for being upset.
Following that he was often physically sick and seemed depressed. I would be there for him. i Assumed it was tapering off the methadone.
Mind you, during this time i had come into some money and he had asked me to lend him (at separate times) what equaled over $1000 (embarrassing i know). he paid back the first time right on pay day. but the last $600 he kept making excuses. on top of that, he still was always nice and loving but became more isolated, not calling me after work because he was tired and would be sleeping. I felt like i was initiating most hangouts . Some hangouts would be amazing and normal, other hangouts he seemed extremely withdrawn and distant.
I confronted the situation one night and we argued. the next day he opened up saying he was depressed and he even hand wrote me a very sincere letter. We had an amazing weekend.
Upckning week, became isolated again. We got in an argument and he got in the habit of turning things around on me, saying all i want to do is argue, ďi canít do this right now, can we just talk tomorrow?Ē it became a habit for him to shut me out and ignore my calls when i was upset, even tho he knew that gives me extreme anxiety. he would apologize after but always did it again.
That week he told me he had relapsed 6 months prior (meaning way before we began hanging out), and he needs help. He started on pills like oxy and when that became less adorable and attainable he began smoking fentanyl..... this scares me! it also answers why he was always in the bathroom so long, and why he borrowed all that money from me.
I did not judge and was very supportive. very loving. but also do not put up with **** and will call him out no problem. He wanted to stop using and was having trouble focusing on us and his recovery so said we should take space, like a break. For about the next month, a cycle of us not talking for a day, then us talking and him engaging with me and being nice. maybe even meeting up in a great mood, then the next day ignoring me and stating ďsorry i canít always text you back!! we are suppose to be on a break! that means no talking ď
it was very inconsistent. he says he wants time to focus on himself and getting better so that when we are together he can be the man i deserve. and that when he verbally snaps or puts me down, thatís not the real him.
Recently, iíve been going out of my mind with the inconsistency and every time we talk he makes me feel like a burden of his time. A few weeks back, he ended it saying we should just break up for now, he loves me but needs to focus on his recovery. then he ignored me for days before he would have a closure conversation. i was very upset and missed him, fast forward a week, we gradually texted mire in a casual way. but he would still say ďgoodnight babe i love you xoxoĒevery night . he also texted me that he just wants me to know he isnít thinking about anyone but me, and he canít wait to do it right this time, when he is himself again. met up with him a few nights ago and we got along so well. he was kinda playful and flirty which i felt is fine because we still arenít together . we didnít hook up but afterwards in text he was flirty and loving .
all of a sudden he becomes distant again the next day and ignores me so i show up at his house and he wouldnít even let me in. he said i canít just show up, we are suppose to be taking time. and he seemed so cold and distant. and the next day he snapped and told me to leave him the **** alone, and stop bothering him!
when i said ďso you never wanna get back together then?Ē and he goes ďi didnít say that, but i just need time!Ē
i havenít talked to him since.
iím pretty observant, but i just want to know the thoughts from anyone who has experienced this from my side or even from the opioid addict perspective .
i know he is right he needs space to rewire, he is not going to have patience, or consistent emotions. Small things will stress him out and an argument could trigger relapse. but his disrespect and calling all the shots on interaction when convenient seems manipulative. also making me feel like a burden and like i always just want to argue, and i know he knows heís being an *******. he is turning it around on me.
From anyoneís perspective, he originally had a few
slip ups and came clean eventually but he says he hasnít used at all in about a month. I just feel like with his extremely rude behaviour toward a woman he loves, i donít believe him. I believe he is pushing me away on purpose because he is ashamed he is still using.
what does everyone think?

**i should add, he never went to detox, or inpatient rehab. He claims to have told his methadone doctor who convinced him against taking time off work for rehab, to work with him to get back up to a more fitting dose, and keep attending meetings. To me, sounds like he makes money off him and doesnít wanna lose him as a patient. So now, he apparently self detoxed, and is only doing online meetings because of the pandemic. and doing his own reading at home . he also works from home right now
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Old 07-13-2020, 05:24 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by realize View Post
Hi everyone, iím new here.
My recent ex boyfriend, has known of me since we were very young (we hadnít met) and always had a crush on me. Recently, this past feb we officially met through a friend and beginning of april became official. The connection was instant, it felt real because we knew eachother for months prior to becoming intimate. It still feels real. I knew he was a former opioid addict, my understanding was he had been clean for about 4 years (of course i didnít know details regarding small slip ups but overall i thought 4 years) - our mutual friend also vouched for this.
looking back now, There were red flags from the start. I noticed he often spent a long time in the bathroom, and also (TMI?) while we had an amazingly passionate sex life, he would have delayed or no orgasm. He was on methadone maintenance so he blamed it on that.
Otherwise, we still had a regular and amazing sex life, talked all the time, hung out almost every night. Everything felt very health, consistent, we were happy. There was no question in my mind this felt meant to be. We always told eachother we love eachother, we would go for runs, walks, always had a good time. Fast forward to mid May, he became a little isolated and asked me to hang out less often. One time i was upset with him and he hung up on me, and i had to call him 10x before he answered and was quite rude, making me feel crazy for being upset.
Following that he was often physically sick and seemed depressed. I would be there for him. i Assumed it was tapering off the methadone.
Mind you, during this time i had come into some money and he had asked me to lend him (at separate times) what equaled over $1000 (embarrassing i know). he paid back the first time right on pay day. but the last $600 he kept making excuses. on top of that, he still was always nice and loving but became more isolated, not calling me after work because he was tired and would be sleeping. I felt like i was initiating most hangouts . Some hangouts would be amazing and normal, other hangouts he seemed extremely withdrawn and distant.
I confronted the situation one night and we argued. the next day he opened up saying he was depressed and he even hand wrote me a very sincere letter. We had an amazing weekend.
Upckning week, became isolated again. We got in an argument and he got in the habit of turning things around on me, saying all i want to do is argue, ďi canít do this right now, can we just talk tomorrow?Ē it became a habit for him to shut me out and ignore my calls when i was upset, even tho he knew that gives me extreme anxiety. he would apologize after but always did it again.
That week he told me he had relapsed 6 months prior (meaning way before we began hanging out), and he needs help. He started on pills like oxy and when that became less adorable and attainable he began smoking fentanyl..... this scares me! it also answers why he was always in the bathroom so long, and why he borrowed all that money from me.
I did not judge and was very supportive. very loving. but also do not put up with **** and will call him out no problem. He wanted to stop using and was having trouble focusing on us and his recovery so said we should take space, like a break. For about the next month, a cycle of us not talking for a day, then us talking and him engaging with me and being nice. maybe even meeting up in a great mood, then the next day ignoring me and stating ďsorry i canít always text you back!! we are suppose to be on a break! that means no talking ď
it was very inconsistent. he says he wants time to focus on himself and getting better so that when we are together he can be the man i deserve. and that when he verbally snaps or puts me down, thatís not the real him.
Recently, iíve been going out of my mind with the inconsistency and every time we talk he makes me feel like a burden of his time. A few weeks back, he ended it saying we should just break up for now, he loves me but needs to focus on his recovery. then he ignored me for days before he would have a closure conversation. i was very upset and missed him, fast forward a week, we gradually texted mire in a casual way. but he would still say ďgoodnight babe i love you xoxoĒevery night . he also texted me that he just wants me to know he isnít thinking about anyone but me, and he canít wait to do it right this time, when he is himself again. met up with him a few nights ago and we got along so well. he was kinda playful and flirty which i felt is fine because we still arenít together . we didnít hook up but afterwards in text he was flirty and loving .
all of a sudden he becomes distant again the next day and ignores me so i show up at his house and he wouldnít even let me in. he said i canít just show up, we are suppose to be taking time. and he seemed so cold and distant. and the next day he snapped and told me to leave him the **** alone, and stop bothering him!
when i said ďso you never wanna get back together then?Ē and he goes ďi didnít say that, but i just need time!Ē
i havenít talked to him since.
iím pretty observant, but i just want to know the thoughts from anyone who has experienced this from my side or even from the opioid addict perspective .
i know he is right he needs space to rewire, he is not going to have patience, or consistent emotions. Small things will stress him out and an argument could trigger relapse. but his disrespect and calling all the shots on interaction when convenient seems manipulative. also making me feel like a burden and like i always just want to argue, and i know he knows heís being an *******. he is turning it around on me.
From anyoneís perspective, he originally had a few
slip ups and came clean eventually but he says he hasnít used at all in about a month. I just feel like with his extremely rude behaviour toward a woman he loves, i donít believe him. I believe he is pushing me away on purpose because he is ashamed he is still using.
what does everyone think?

**i should add, he never went to detox, or inpatient rehab. He claims to have told his methadone doctor who convinced him against taking time off work for rehab, to work with him to get back up to a more fitting dose, and keep attending meetings. To me, sounds like he makes money off him and doesnít wanna lose him as a patient. So now, he apparently self detoxed, and is only doing online meetings because of the pandemic. and doing his own reading at home . he also works from home right now
I am a recovering opiate addict. For me its mood swings , when I first started abusing my opiates. I was the most positive productive person wanted to to everything and I did. Family life was great. Then it began you need more and more to feel better. Then you want that first feeling you had but the more you take the more the side effects come. Then the motivation leaves you don't want to do anything but get high. Easy give away pin for pupils always scratching, nodding off. And the depression during withdrawal.
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Old 07-15-2020, 10:04 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
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thank you for responding,
sometimes when i saw him recently his pupils were pinpoint, and scratching his head a lot. definitely depressed and irritable during withdraw.
he just told me tonight that he genuinely and truly loved me, but he doesnít love me right now. he cares for me and has feelings for me, but doesnít love me the way he did before. he said it isnít me, itís because heís struggling and numb to emotions. he said he doesnít care about other girls, sex, he doesnít feel like he can love anyone or anything right now. he said that could change in the future when he gets better and would like to give us another shot then. iím happy he was honest but i also am extremely hurt and feel lied to.
it just feels like it was all a waste of time. does what he said make sense as an active user or in recovery?
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