genesee

I have been battling addiction for along time, probably since a teenager. I have had several periods of being drug and alcohol free. During my mid 20's, I seemed able to focus and not drink for a year or 2. I did a lot of drugs when younger, but quit once I wen't to college. Six yeasr ago I had a back injury and got hookded on pain pills. I have been on and off them since. I did have a 1 year period where I was completely sober. But, I always revert back to giving myself a treat now and then and assuming I can easly quit. I do quit, but not for long.

I finally got tired and flushed all the pills down the drain and stopped drinkig for 45 days. Before going on vacation, I faked a back injury to get wohola.....a bunch of percosets. That was 25 days ago.

I have a wonderful daughter and loving wife. I did confide in her about the problem prior to my 45 day sober period. She was surprised, but very supportive. I can't seem to tell her again.

I have a great life and just can't believe how I **** it away. There are so many others out there with real life problems and they seem so much stronger. What to know something else, I'm a competive bike racer of 20+ years of very successful career. Heck, I raced last weekend after downing 5 percosets and 10 beers the night before. Did I mention pissing away my life?

I always think I can control my addiction and keep it in check. I can't. I also feel a terrible guilt everytime I pop a pill ar drink a 6 pack or more. I don't want to do to my daughter what my parents did to us.

That brings me to today, I read this forum for 2 days and prepard myself. I have not had a pill or drink since 8:00pm Sunday. As of this writing, I have 40 hours sober. I did take the advice of several and have been taking Methocarbanol to keep me calm. Probably won't be riding my bike for a few days though.

I'm writing this to what seems to be a great group of individuals who care. I want to make a committment to become sober to a greater audience other than God and myself. I know I may need additional help in the future, but hope this forum can fill a gap for the time being.

Luckyv2

First off genesee I want to welcome you to SR and we are all glad that you're here. Yes that ugly head of addiction our minds tell us that we can control it this time and this is how. Yet after we take that first one it has us by our balls. None of us have Power over addiction or the drugs. And yeah, I always said that my children wouldn't grow up without a dad like I did, guess what? They are, but I still get to see them. Anyway hope to hear more from you and once again welcome. There should be some community greeters along here sometime to welcome you. Sending tons of good thoughts your way.

Vic

genesee

Thank you Vic. I'm glad you are a Dad. It should be the most wonderful feeling in the world, but those pills manage to leap frog over time and time again.

I will keep in constant touch with the group and seek help and advise.

Luckyv2

You will do just fine! Stick around here also, get you a program of NA and don't look back. Keep moving forward and you will be just fine. If you ever need to talk, just holler at me OK>>>

Love Vic

ASH

HI Genesee, Welcome to SR, glad you joined.
Congratulations on your commitment to get sober,
life will just get better and a whole lot simpler.
All the best on your journey

wingsfree

Hi genesee a warm welcome to SoberRecovery.....So happy you found us and are ready to commit to sobriety...ahhhh what a beautiful gift to give yourself and your family.

Wishing you all the best in your journey to sobriety...and yessss you've found the best gang around.

clashman

this forum has been a huge help for me, so keep coming back. i come back here when i feel weak. every post i read helps me to remain strong and not turn back. i understand how you feel. my life has been pretty good, but for some reason i have decided to drink and turn away people who love me. i have 31 days of sobriety as of today. don't beat yourself up. rely on us, we are right here with you.

leviathon

welcome and feel free to share as you are not the only one facing these issues...

Before I blew out my shoulder I was a competitive bodybuilder. Drug free, no alcohol for years, and then it all went to crap b/c I started to drink... the drink was in part b/c of depression over blowing out my shoulder and not being able to train... only one part though.

levi

Hope

Welcome to SR! You are in good company with lots of people who understand what you are going through. Stick around!

CarolD

Hello and Welcome!

The only competitive interest I had was drinking.
I only won when I quit! How odd!

Keep in focus...you are not alone and we do understand.

genesee

I think I realized in the past few days reading posts on the forum that I can't rely simply on my own will power. And, that power seems to be getting weaker and weaker every time I go through this process. I get a lot of motivation just reading ablout the successes so many are expereincing.

To that, yesterday was rough. I had a lot of time feeling sorry for myself and depressed. There wes some time I felt some control, but I tended to fucus on why I can't enjoy the recreational high from alcohol and drugs like so many others and how will I cope living sober. I guess thats jumping way too far out. I need to get through each day and I'm sure the thought of living sober will get easier and become more appealing. It's just mind boggling on how out of perspective I am right now.

Today, I woke more myself. I feel more energized and positively focused. I'm on day 3. I did also look up local NA groups yesterday as I think I will need help to keep on track past my routine of getting sober for various periods.

This Community will be a big help to me and I hope I someday give back.

Thank you all very much for your time and comments

Luckyv2

You're doing great genesee! This right here the self-pity is one of the worse things that we can do. Once we get into the self-pity, and keep feeding it, we are bound to drink/use again.

There are two sides to us. There is the black dog and the white dog. The black dog is the disease of addiction, the white dog is the HP that we all have in our lives. The dog that we feed the most, will come to the surface. The other dog will lay down to rest, but once in a while that dog will resurface again, then we must lay it back down by changing our thoughts.

Action is the key. We have to act our way into a new way of thinking for we have damaged our brains so much from the use of drugs (alcohol is a drug). Once we keep doing the right thing for the right reason, our brains become clear, and our lives turn around. This family here at SR has saved me from myself so many times, and the only time that they won't save me is when I (my self-will) won't allow them into my life. OK anyway just wanted to see how you're doing my friend! Keep up the good work.

Love Vic

genesee

Thank you Vic. Your inspration has ment a great deal.

I could not wait to log on this morning at work and see the advise, good will, wishes others had for me. What a feeling!!! I spent a lot of work time the past few days at SR. That's okay with me because I know that when I start clicking on all cylinders again, I can re-pay my debt to my employer.

This support is something I have never had in my past attempts and failures. I have a very good feeling in my gut this morning that this time it's going to turn out different.

My hopes, thoughts and prayers are with you and everyone else who has made a committment to live again.

daddysgirl29

Hey Genesee, and welcome. Congrats on posting - I know it's scary at first, but you have come to a wonderful 'neighborhood'.

No need to feel that your problems are any better/worse than anyone else's. Everyone has a story, and with each one, a diff't kind of hurt. Your problems are still real - no need to make yourself feel even more guilty by thinking you shouldn't 'have them'. A lot of us have been there, and thank God, we're living proof that there's a way out.

You can do it, too!!! If your gut is saying that this time will be diff't, listen and follow it!!

I hope you stick around, and for the record, your family is lucky to have you b/c you sound like a good person, and the fact that you're reaching out speaks volumes!!

Godspeed,
DG

REZ

Welcome to SR. I have been clean for 21 years through NA and AA. I recommend you give these meetings a try: you will find a lot of real, live people there with experience, strength, and hope. SR is a good thing: but dots on a computer screen are no replacement for real people. Addiction is a serious, chronic, and progressive disease. Addicts/alcoholics need all the help they can get.

genesee

Hello all,

It's day 4 and going well. Im eating like a horse and sleeping okay. I have not taken any Mathocarbanol since Monday. I am taking Melotonin (sp?) to help sleep at night. And for some reason, Ice Cream is realy good right now.

I'm not paniced about the up and coming long weekend. I have lots of house stuff and bike rides/races planned. I'm also stocked up on some funny movies to watch at night when the cravings for that high hit. I have told my wife (who does not know about the recent pill use) that I have decided to stop drinking again so I can improve on my cycling and rest better. I have asked for her help keeping me to my promise. Just another person to be accountable to.

Thanks to all for your support. It has really made a difference this time. I'll check in tomorrow and then with a positive report next Tuesday after returning to work.

aloneagainor

Greetings Genesee,
You seem to be proceeding through very realistically, having gone around-through-back-and-forth in the cycle a few times, so you know what you're looking at, where you stumble, what you need to do differently this time. I'm discovering in a not-so-pleasant way how important it is to be honest, to be able to be honest with the people closest to you if you're going to proceed and succeed in moving toward sobriety. I think the dishonesty/ deception keeps us stuck, prevents recovery and provides reason (in our mind) to retreat/ escape the reality of what we're doing to ourselves and to our relationships. VERY good you have the support of your wife, and while she doesn't know all, she knows of the direction you're wanting to go, she's encouraging you in that direction, and that's what matters. I am convinced we cannot recover on will-power alone, and that we cannot do this in isolation, or we leave open too many loopholes and options to return to active use. Yes, addiction is a disease of perception. Very good that you're open to consider outside perspective and help now, as you transition through this and gain clearer perspective for yourself. Wishing you well this weekend!

genesee

aloneagainor,

I get your point and message loud an clear. I may very well tell my wife about the continued pain pill use and alcohol trouble for what it is. She will be disappointed, but will hopefully have a husband and father in the end.

Thanks for being honest.

CarolD

Hi again...
I know nothing about pain pill addiction
but this helped me with drinking..

Cravings....

In early recovery . I timed my cravings.
Mine were 5/7 minutes in duration.
I can overcome most things for that short time!

I took action during that space.
Brushing my teeth...eating a Lifesaver...drinking water
(notice the oral connection?)

The longer I stayed sober they lessened in both frequency and intensity.

Keep going forward...

Anna

Hi Genesee,

It sounds like you're making great progress this week!

You are very lucky to have a supportive wife. That will help you get through this. And, your plan to stay busy during the long weekend is great. For me, I had to plan, plan and plan to be doing things to take my mind off drinking.

I wish you well.