Beachbabe

Kahlia:

As I went back to re-read your post something struck me that I missed that last time.

I have a hottub in my bathroom. I have (more than once) entertained the idea of feeling it up, taking about 20 mils of Xanax and blank. If I didnt it that way my family wouldnt have any mess to clean up. God, never told anyone that. And when I romance the idea it makes me feel powerful again. I even know what type blade I would use... one of those double blade razor blades thats so sharp you have to be careful handling them because you will get cut badly and not even realize it. It would be a nice hot bubble bath... I have thought it out in every detail.

I only wish I could be so selfish. I honestly do. Im not scared to do it, I'll do it on a dare... if it wasnt for my kids. I cant do that to my kids. Its the *****, selfish way out and I dont want to go down in history in such a pathetic way. My pride and my kids are all that keeps me alive and breathing.

Anna

Hmm, I don't know about antidepressants helping with the anger issue either, especially with an anger issue that is as intense as yours is. I guess you'll just have to wait and see.

As for the therapist, why not search out someone better or more suited to what you want? I know it's a pain to do that and to kind of start over again, but it sounds like you're wasting your time and money with this woman. Or, do you think she'll change now that you've told her what you think about the therapy so far? I hope so.

And, I agree with Kahlia. Not every antidepressant works for everyone. It took me 3 tries to find one that worked for me and then the dose had to be adjusted 3 times to get it right. Sometimes it takes persistance, but hopefully you'll have good results with the Zoloft.

Beachbabe

Its funny really, if only ya'll knew me. I bet Im nothing like Im pictured.

Im actually a sweet girl with a thick country accent from the mountains of NC. I love to be nice, friendly, I dont walk around with a scowl on my face... Im the type of girl people look at and aspire to be like... BUT THEY DONT KNOW the hell I suffer in my head. Never wish to be anyone else but yourself because you dont know the hell others endure and dont show.

If noone messes with me, people see me as this sweet little country girl that would starve to feed and walk hot coals to bring one water. That is me.

Mess with me though, even if I love you very much, and chances are someone is going to get a beat down... be it me or them. I hate that girl and want to get rid of her.

I want to be the girl that says 'Great, dealing with another moron and keep smiling'. I want the maturity of a 30 yr old and I dont have it. Like a child on a play ground, get in my swing and youre coming out... dead or alive. Just because. I dont want to be that girl.

WHAT IN THE HELL AM I FIGHTING SO HARD FOR ANYWAY.

Its awful to hit someone. Its awful to WANT to hit someone. Its awful to be a prisoner at home so I dont go off... or to jail.

I have been better though. I havent been to jail for assault since last summer. Thats a record for me. I even let a chick spit in my face and walked away (husband was coaching me to be cool) or I would have most certainly killed her for that. I didnt want to hit her first because then I'd be locked up so she spit on my because she was scared to hit me. She spit and ran to her car. My husband picked me off the ground so I couldnt get to her. So right there at my local quick stop that I have to go to everyday, it all went down.

Everyone that works there thinks is cute... its ISNT CUTE. When I walk in they all say Leeeeeets geeeeeet ready to ruuuumble. I roll my eyes and tell um to shut up or I'll kick there a$$ to lol. They laugh, I buy my stuff and walk out wishing that day never happened.

2stop

Oh Beachbabe.....we are more alike than you know! I have only had one assault charge in my life.....but probably should ahve gotten more........I used to be very angry....I wouldn't hit anyone for no reason.I had to be pushed...but once pushed I didn't handle myself too well.............the cops even thought I was okay doing it.would tell me Yeah! I would've hit the dude too.he was a jerk! They should've never encouraged it....that and the vicodin made me feel and believe I was invincible! add that to the anger over all the injustices I had suffered?

People didn't know how to take me....I was kind.....thoughtful...........social..........love d people..........BUT I was crazy when pissed!

The only time I want to hit anyone now is when they hurt my kids......oh that and the gas prices this morning..........

I like you Beachbabe..........I reacted too strongly to you on your threads the other day.......I think you are awesome actually..............sending big ole hugs your way.............man this post brought back some memories of ME!!..............LOL...........wow............

Beachbabe

Im a taco bell doggie with a Mohammad attitude.

*barks and that alone lifts her lil a$$ off the ground*

2stop

Lmao!!!.................

Anna

I used to be very, very angry too BB.

I hated the feeling and the way that I was. I did a lot of soul-searching and realized the anger was really directed at myself. I didn't like who I was, what I was doing in my life or anything about it. I was a huge disappointment to myself. As I began to change those things, the anger went away.

Beachbabe

And Im the opposite... Im very proud of how far Ive gotten. Im not at all disappointed in myself. Only my actions when that dayum light flips.

I love me. I want to be good to me but if Im not beating up on myself I'll have to do it to someone else, I reckon.

Lord knows I cant stand a null in my life. That can only mean one thing... something extremely horrid is about to happen.

Never have I given this one ounce of thought until just now... I have 4 boys and I have never once been mad at them. Children are no threat I suppose. They could spill cool aid on my sectional and I'd tell them if they cant keep it in their glass to stay in the kitchen and it not phase me.

If an adult done that OMG. MY COUCH. I'd loose it. Makes no sense. So it has to have something to do with ME feeling Threatened because I have never found myself mad at a child.

Whoa, heavy man.

2stop

Maybe take a peek in the mental health forums Morning Glory has some great articles about PTSD......post traumatic stress disorder..I know for me that fear of calm stemmed directly from some traumas I had faced as a chil and young adult.........may help to read about it!!
I used to not be able to stand calm and quiet either........I trembled in wait to be assaulted again..............it was awful..now I have to have quiet every day.........or I go mad.

Beachbabe

Until I get this rediculous false sense of certain doom around the corner, Im not going to be the best person I can be.

I ever know its not reality so why cant I make it stop. I know in my heart that calm is just that. Yet, it is so scary.

Anna

Well, anger is based in fear.

Maybe you are afraid of 'reality' which can mean boredome to us addicts.

Anna

BB, I'm going to question you on this. I don't believe that you would treat yourself the way you do if you truly loved yourself. I don't believe you'd abuse your body with pills, by not eating well and by getting into fights, if you loved yourself.

That's just the way I see it.

Beachbabe

I dont love my actions but I honestly cant think of why I wouldnt love me... noone else ever did (especially during childhood) so I had to love me or I'd have been a street walking drug addict.

Beachbabe

Or maybe because I have so lacked love, I pretend to love myself deeply as a coping mechanism.

Anna

Ahh, hitting the nail on the head - 'pretending to love myself deeply' while abusing myself because I don't love myself deeply and no one ever really did and I'm afraid and angry. Maybe??

BSPGirl

Hmm this sounds like the attitude of a survivor to me, it sounds like you'll get pretty far in your life. I wouldn't take pills to surpress that. Anger management training maybe.

Hubble56

Dear Beachbabe I too am an Addict and Alcoholic as well and I listen to my family Dr. He feels I need Zoloft to maintain my moods as I have always had trouble dealing with everyday situations and have had depression off and on for years.Its ok to take what your Dr. prescribes and there is no shame in this. Dont let your pride hold you back ok. Your the most important person you deel with so treat yourself well and you will be fine. Zoloft really helps me focus on other areas I wish to change. God Bless You, Sincerely,Hubble56 P.S. Have a great day ok!

markofevil

Hi. New to the forum.

My experience is that antidepressants are a positive. You don't get a buzz from them or anything like that, so it's not like you're drugging or drinking. The kind of reaction you have to alcohol that causes your body to reinforce that behavior, drinking, doesn't happen with antidepressants. You don't get a buzz and your body doesn't release those natural opiates when you take an antidepressant like it does when you take that first drink of the day.

So in terms of creating addictive behavior, I don't think antidepressants work that way.

I took Zoloft for some time and it really helped. It evened me out -- the highs weren't so high, a bit of a negative I guess, but the lows weren't nearly so low, a huge positive. I switched to Wellbutrin a couple of weeks ago and it seems to be working fine. I dropped the Zoloft due to the sexual dysfunction side-effect it can have for some men, making it very difficult to ejaculate. I just got tired of that problem. Wellbutrin doesn't have that side-effect.

I wouldn't hesitate to take an antidepressant if you need help controlling your moods. I was in despair and now I'm not. It's easier to not pick up when you're not in those dark places, so I think it helps with sobriety too.

Beachbabe

Thats what I feel... despair... for no reason in this world. Then guilt for having it all (especially if my husband and I get help, both together and on our own) and not basking in all I have been blessed with.

markofevil

I'm not sure what caused my despair (depression, really, is the more accurate word for it). I was down pretty far though, to the point where I often thought that it would be easier to be dead. I wasn't suicidal, but I was just one or two steps away from being suicidal.

I'm sure the alcoholism was a great contributor to my depression, but I think I am prone to depression anyway. As we age, our mood swings get more dramatic, so problems we can plow through in our 20's may become obstacles that cause depression in our 30's and 40's.

Anyway, the Zoloft helped me a great deal, because it alleviated some of the symptons of depression, such as anger issues, which in turn caused relationship problems, which in turn fed my depression, and you can see the cycle it's easy to fall into.

Falling into a deep depression is like walking down several flights of stairs into a dark place. You get there one step at a time, and you climb back out one step at a time. The antidepressant levels you out, you manage your anger a bit better, your relationships improve in small increments, and that all just feeds the recovery and helps you climb those stairs one step at a time.

I continue to take an antidepressant because I still kind of feel that depression lurking in the background, waiting for a chance to take over again. I feel optimistic about my life now, even with some really big marital problems going on at the moment that may not have the outcome I'd like. My being able to cope with that is testament to AA, my sobriety, and probably to some extent the medication. It is scary, though, to think of losing my wife and of not living with my children. I feel like I can cope if that happens, but really, all bets are off. I have no idea how I will handle it.

Didn't mean to spill my guts like this, ha ha. I feel like I'm in an AA meeting.