ups_n_downs

Well, I started drinking again. Grrrrrr.

This is not good. But I have a question. For the 17 days that I was sober, I genuinely disliked myself. I felt like a cold bitch who dislikes everybody and doesn't have a warm bone in her body. I felt especially cold and distant from my fiance when talking on the phone. I felt like an emotional zombie and hated it. So is it better to drink and have a heart or not drink and be a dried up husk of a person? I don't know...

K

wingsfree

Hi upsndowns......first off a warm welcome to SoberRecovery, happy you've found us.

So you started to drink again, it's not fun is it? not fun at all, and then the emotional roller coaster, ain't it fun? You get to experience feelings girl, yep feelings, which should be embraced and looked at real good.

Oh yeah huge congrats on putting 17 days together, try it again, this time work on liking yourself, you'd be surprised to see the woman who hides behind the bottle I don't even know you, but I'll love you till you can.

You ask if it's better to drink and have a heart....or not drink, and be a dried up husk of a person......OHHHHHHHHH you know the answer to that one, don't you?

This drinking business ruins us, I've been battling it for to many years to even think about, I'm sober today, and I want to learn how to deal with the feelings that come with being sober, a lot of years not knowing how to feel what needed to be felt.....anyway that's that.

You have a lot of warm bones in your body, why not stop and take a real good look at them, take a paper and pen, and write them down, you'd be sooooooo surprised at what you'll see.....write down what you don't like while your at it.

Please get yourself back on the wagon again, the sooner the better, it's real hard once we fall off.

Sending possitive thoughts your way....today's a new day, embrace it.
Much love and some big hugs.......Denise

quercusalba

Hi ups-n-downs...

I'm with Denise - I think you know the answer to the question "is it better to drink and have a heart or not drink and be a dried up husk of a person?" If you need help, that answer is - that's a wrongheaded question, for more reasons than one. You set yourself up for failure with wording like that - so you're either a cold b*tch or a drunk? Are you really that two-dimensional?

I think you're responding to years of drinking... it's takes time and effort and patience and willingness (yes, all of those things) to find the person you've been pickling in alcohol for such a long time. I think you will find that you have plenty of warm characteristics, plenty of good qualities... and I think you'll find that you can have entertainment and joy and interest in life without alcohol. Sometimes it's good to seek counseling at a time like this; you are going through a lot of things emotionally because you have ceased numbing yourself. You could start by having a physical (have you done that yet?) complete with bloodwork, possibly finding a good therapist and talking some of this out... and maybe communicating with your fiance about how you're feeling. It's also good to come here to talk about it... and what about face to face meetings? You're not alone in your feelings of emotional dysfunction, I can as much as guarantee you that.

I am sorry that you drank... but you really can stop for good if you really want to.

Thank you for having the courage to share.

take care of you,
anne

ups_n_downs

Thank you Denise, your reply meant alot to me...
I just often feel like a s%¤#...whether drinking or not drinking. Is it the root of my problems or because of them? I don't know.
But to know that the crappy feelings aren't wrong or a serious deficiency on my part gives me hope. I started drinking at age 17 and knew from the moment that I first got drunk that booze would be my life. I figured that by age thirty I would quit. I am now thirty-two and so mired in alcohol that I can't see the end. The "wagon" scared me so badly that I have a hard time dealing with it. I feel like an ice-sculpture; there is nothing that I love or cherish. I just plow through each day, gritting my teeth and hoping that there is some light at the end of the tunnel. But I don't want to be made of stone. I want to love, cry, delight, despair. Yet, sober, I just don't feel it. What do I do?
Kristi

sherbear5104

Hi Kristi and welcome to SoberRecovery! Have you tried going to AA? There are many women in the rooms of AA who have felt exactly the way you do. It's very common to have feelings such as you say in the beginning. There was so much that I regretted about my drinking days. I cried for about 2 weeks. But the people in AA reached out to me and loved me til I could love myself. Just like Denise said. We will love you til you can love yourself. No one ever said it would be easy to stay sober. It does take work. However, you do not have to do it alone. If you go to meetings, get some women's phone numbers. If not, maybe you could give it a try. Either way, come here for support. Let us know how you're feeling and post your questions on these boards. SR has saved my sobriety more than once. There is a very caring group of people that come here. Get to know us and let us get to know you. I will keep you in my prayers!

Sherry

sherbear5104

wingsfree

(((((((Kristi)))))))) .....pretty name you've been blessed with.

See that, look at the good advice you've been given, by Anne and Sherry, the gang here are the best, let everyone help you. Spill your gutts on what makes you feel the way you do.

I wish I had answers for you, but I don't, just know you need to love yourself, yep that's a toughie isn't it, but in order to get well you need to.

You've drank a lot of years, blah to that eh? I've got you beat on that afraid to say, which makes it harder I figure, I've found out what progression is about, it will get harder for you the longer you continue, trust me on that.

There's a reason you found us all here, hope you know you've been guided, you've been blessed.

I would bet my life that there's something you love and cherish, and it's staring you right in the face....look a bit harder. Give yourself some time being sober, learn to deal with your feelings, you will cry when the time comes....oh boy will you ever.

I'm not the best person to ask for advice, I keep slipping back, and it's not from a lack of trying, and I see what it's done and doing to me, to my SOUL, and I want to stop it, just like you do. I've learned a lot about this, and it's from coming in here, I was walking around blind with this disease, never thought of it as a disease, but it's the only thing that makes any sense with it. I'm so sick and tired of it too Kristi, it's just not living, it's a taker, and will keep taking, how much more are you willing to let it have? how many more YEARS do you want to waste with it?....that's what it wants, I can feel it, it's UGLY, it sinks it's claws deep into us.....kick and scream and work harder on getting rid of it.

I've made a prayer box, yep you read that right, it's pretty looking, I added some flowers to it, I add prayers to it every time one is needed, guess what you're going in that box along with soooooo many from here. I can see it glowing more.

Ok I'm done for now.....oh wait you need to do one thing before I go....but you have to get up off your chair, I ain't kidding, I'll get up too....it's called the Happy Dance yep, get up and dance your heart out, shake your little tushy around, it feels good, honest, it will make you smile, you'll feel silly, but it's something good, and I promise it won't hurt one bit.

Happy Dancing with you...please take care of yourself, AA works you know, think hard about going that route, and if you chose to, don't let anyone sway you from not going, this is not funny, this is a matter of LIFE and DEATH. Time to live, time to live.

Tons of love, prayers and huge squeezy understanding hugs........Denise (who knows how to cry now, she doesn't like to do that, but she does now) it's a part of healing, a part of letting things go, hope you will allow yourself to do that real soon.

mackat

looking back on it, i had no idea who i really was as a clean/sober entity.

and at 17 days , i'm sure i still had no clue.

months later, i began to discover the me-as-an-eight year old, skinned knees , open arms, meeting the worls with new joyful eyes...

and then as the teen me- all the passion and rebel..

then got real ok with the adult me- with an entire spectrum of emotions and responses available.

took much more than 17 days...
mackat

angelgirl

Hi there, boy mackat sure said it well.
I do know how you feel. I was just telling one of my friends who has been sober for 2 years that I feel like such a BIT--. I am afraid that is just how people will percieve me. I have been sooo crabby. I am on day 22 clean. He told me, he remembered those feelings vey well. He remembered how he first felt that life was just a drag, but he also said THOSE FEELINGS DO PASS.. We will feel better, that is if we give sobriety a chance, we stuffed all those feelings in bottles, pills, whatever... Now we need to learn to deal with life on life's terms, and I think it is very difficult, at least for me it is. I have alot to feel, and alot to go through, but if I give it some time, I can do it, I know I can, so can you. Luv, Becky

CarolD

Up... Sobriety takes time.

17 days sober vs how mant years of alcohol abuse?

Blessings...

hopealwayz

Just don't give up. It is always hard in the beginning. In time, things balance out and work the way they are supposed to. You will heal if you stop drinking. If you continue on that road, the progression will only get worse and there will be lower bottoms that you could hit. Although many things haven't happened YET, they still could.
(ie, YET= You are Eligible Too) So let alcohol be your past, wouldn't you like to find a better future?

ups_n_downs

Thank you all...

We struggle. It's not an easy path, is it? I thought it would be easier.

K