hopealwayz

In my withdrawals from pain meds, I screamed and totally scared my friend with my wild mood change. He called me earlier and he still sounded mad and hurt. I told him that I was sorry and now it is up to him to forgive me.

Please pray that my friend forgives me. I truly did not mean to get him angry and hurt with my words but those darn pain meds have screwed up my thinking and have made me someone that is not myself. I was nice and kind to him when he called, but he was so cold and distant.

This is going to serve as a reminder as to why I never want to use EVER, EVER again. I just pray for my friends forgiveness. I hope I haven't screwed things up forever.

LVNitUP

I am sure your friend will and probably already has forgiven you and does NOT hate you....after all he called you afterwards right?
He might have still been upset when he called but he cared enough about you to see if you were ok, and may just need time to sort out his own feelings.

I understand what you are going through, withdrawls from anything is hard. I am having the wild mood swings too....withdrawls from alcohol though. And I have been hard on people as well. I am actually surprised that my partner has not yet divorced me....does not drink or understand, AT ALL!!

Don't be so hard on yourself....you are doing the right thing by getting clean and I'm sure your friend knows that too. You have apologized and by staying clean and getting through the really tough parts.....you'll be a better friend to him than ever.

I said that prayer for you and your friend.
Hope you are feeling better!
PEACE

quercusalba

Hey Hope -

I'm sure he doesn't hate you. Hate is a really strong word; it would take more than wild mood swings to make someone who loves you suddenly hate you. Like LVNitUP said, he called you right away... he cares, he was probably just hurt and a little frightened of your behavior.

You'll get through this, too... just don't pick up. You're a strong woman.

all the best to you,
anne

Time4Me11

Hi Hope

It is so hard when we think we have screwed up an important friendship...it was what finally got me sober. Like myself, so many people have found out that those people just need a little time and they will be back in your corner as support when you are sober.

Best to you.

hopealwayz

Thanks for the words of encouragment. It was just what I needed to hear. I should probably wait a few days before I call him to give him a chance to sort out his feelings. I scared him and he told me so last night. That mad me feel pretty low. I feel like a horrible friend and a horrible person for hurting him like that. I don't know what came over me but I changed in an instant and he did not deserve that.

We were supposed to go to lunch this week as we had talked about it before but when he called last night, he said he was too busy to do lunch. I don't blame him. Maybe I wouldn't want to be around me right now either especially after I behaved like that. I know I need to forgive myself, but it is so hard to do.

luluabel

Hi Hope ,I am sure your friend will forgive you hun sometimes its forgiveing ourseves that takes the time.......
Give yourself a pat on the back Hope for having the guts to say sorry theres nothing harder sometimes i know that myself only too well......
Your having a tough time right now i m sure your friend knows that and will be proud your trying to help yourself get better and how hard that can be ....
sending you love and hugs Lulu xxxxxstay strong hun

hopealwayz

He is a smart fella, surely he'd understand that I would act differently while I was withdrawing from something rather than when I'm clean. There is a big difference and as long as I stay sober, I can be a better friend. I'm just working on myself now, waiting for w/d to end.

hopealwayz

It is hard in ways because one would think that by sobering up, things would get better. It baffles me that life is just as hard sober as when I was using. Or using was a way to mask reality. Reality, here I am.

quercusalba

Heya, Hope.

Life is hard, there's no doubt about it. I'm sure you understand that life isn't just going to morph into a fluffy bed of roses once we stop using... it's just not that way. Believe me, I rail against the seeming unfairness and difficulty of life at times, too. I was thinking about this very thing on the way in to work this morning, and I came to the conclusion that I have often come to in the past - life is bittersweet. There is much beauty and much pain, and somehow these things coexist. There will always and forever be challenges... and indeed using drink and drugs simply puts a sort of fog between us and these challenges. And the challenges usually get harder if we stay in that fog. You know all of this, of course. I suspect you're having some emotional turmoil; I know I have been lately. It seems to be a hallmark of early sobriety. Later on, with more sober time and more self-work, the emotional storms will calm... or perhaps we'll just get better at riding them out. Regardless, I think you have all the heart and desire you need to remain sober... and I think your relationship with the person you are speaking of in this thread will end up fine.

Sorry for babbling at you... I just hope you're feeling better this morning.

take care,
--anne

Peachie

If he's a true friend, you haven't lost him forever. Everyone has there days, just make sure there's more good days than bad from now on.

Best wishes,
Peachie

hopealwayz

I think one hard part of our friendship is me wanting to be more than friends and he said that he is not attracted to me.

That hurt when he said he wasn't attracted to me but I try to understand that it is God's will and not my own. God knows why I can't be with him but I don't understand it.

He said he thinks of me as a sister and just doesn't feel the attraction. For awhile, I wondered, "what is wrong with me, why isn't there any attraction" but I am getting past that thinking.

In time, God's plan will be revealed. Until then, I will work on my patience.

hopealwayz

I don't know why letting go of something is so hard. I know I need to let go, but I don't really know how.

squirrelly77

Hey Hope--I've been following your progress throughout this, and I just wanted to let you know that I was going through almost the same thing a little over a year ago. But, the guy that I was "friends" with was actually an ex-boyfriend. Yes, it's hard to let go of someone who doesn't reciprocate your feelings and I notice how so many people go through the same thing. I was sorta blinded to the whole fact when I was caught up in it myself, but I've noticed that it's not that uncommon. I think it has to do with that whole wanting-what-you-can't-have thinking/behavior. I still don't quite understand why people act a certain way when this happens...I think it's mainly ego-driven, which is also confusing. It's like you say to yourself: "I won't take NO for an answer, because I'm good enough" yet, by putting yourself in situations where you're constantly setting yourself up for failure suggests to me that you're saying: "I don't deserve any better because I'm NOT good enough". It's a confusing paradox to me.
Anyways...I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you and I really hope for the best. These things take time, but I know (as I'm pretty sure that you do too) that there IS someone out there who is as deserving of you as you are of him. I finally got tired of selling myself short and feeling like crap. I knew intuitively that this friend of mine and I weren't meant to be, but I didn't want to recognize it...and I even went as far as justifying why this guy was so important and special and why I couldn't let him go. He is an important person in his own right, but for me to be involved with him intimately...there's no way. We're two completely different people when it comes to our thoughts/actions/deeds and the general way we view the world.
Gather strength and know...REALLY KNOW...that everything works out just as it should in the end. Make a great effort to be totally present in your life and take care of yourself!

(((hugs)))
Danielle

hopealwayz

(((Danielle))) Thank you for sharing that. Your words rang so true and summed it up perfectly. I think at some point we finally realize that we deserve better and then we do better. We move on from that which holds us back and on to things that offer so much hope into our lives. It is always so powerful when we can step into the unknown and embrace it with all of ourselves. And a broken heart offers much pain, but it is also a huge opportunity for growth and learning about ourself.

When we allow ourself to love another person, we experience something amazing in ourself and are forever changed. Every experience contributes to who we are and sometimes the memories are good, sometimes painful.

I'm really glad that you posted, Danielle!

Love,
Hope

hopealwayz

We went out for dinner for a couple of hours. He forgave me. I was actually pleasant to be around today.

I was my good normal self. Maybe the w/d are finally going away.

I'm glad that I got a chance to redeem myself with him. I feel much better with that resolved.

hopealwayz

Today, I just had this momentary sadness as I read from excerpts of the book "He's Just Not That Into You." I called my friend and left him a message. I was in tears and I couldn't help but say how I felt at the moment. I just said that I feel stupid for holding on so long and that I might have been stupid for thinking that there was every hope for us.

It just spilled out of my mouth that maybe "I'm not pretty or smart enough" for him.

I deserve to be with someone special but I am having a hard time letting go of the hopes of being with him.

I just wish that God would have let us be together. Who could have ever said what could never happen?