Pekelover2

Oh come on Peke. When will you stop apologizing??
Our ride to day was scheduled for 10:00am.
I got to our meeting spot at 9:52 am. As I got out of my car. I began to take my bike off the rack. My friends must’ve gotten there early because they rode over to my car and began chatting with me and catching up. I was trying to focus on getting my helmet, my water bottle and switching shoes. After a while, the conversation went quiet because I was focusing on my equipment. In typical fashion when the silence came, I started to apologize
“ I’m so sorry guys! I don’t mean to make you wait on me”
No one was waiting on me! I was there early.
A friend said to me: “Peke there’s no rush. Relax, you don’t have to apologize.”
I’m so tired of hearing that. I can’t believe my default is always apologize. Why can’t I just be normal? Why do I feel so inferior. Just because there was silence doesn’t mean anyone was upset with me. They just ran out of stuff to say, as I usually carry a lot of the conversation. I’m so angry with myself right now. I’m 55 years old it’s time to stop acting like a five-year-old.
Thanks for listening.
Darn it. Still fuming.
Let it go.

Dee74

Change is a process, I think Peke.

If you’re like me, you’ve spent 50 years apologising for things because you hate conflict, or the idea of people finding fault with you.

We learnt it as kids - but it’s not childish - it’s a defence mechanism….it’s going to take a little time to retrain ourselves as adults and realise we don’t need that defence mechanism now…but we’ll get there

D

Steely

I do same Peke. But getting better. So are you from what I’ve noticed.

I remember a poster from my youth read, “put brain into gear, before opening mouth.” They dealt in marijuana and it was positioned above the phone. Lol

I'm practicing the zip lip strategy for all it’s worth now. 🤐

I pause now.

Alpine

Peke, that is me very much in a nutshell..I always always appologize for things. Even if there is nothing to apologize for. I am getting better at not going down that oh so familiar road.

Purplrks3647

(((Peke))) I can relate! I learned over the past few years that I am an empath - becoming aware of it and reading more about it has helped to build healthier boundaries. Maybe something you can relate to as well?

Hope you enjoyed your ride!

Pekelover2

It happened. Again.
At the butcher in the supermarket. I’m friendly with him. Asked him how his day was going. He told me that he wasn’t supposed to be there and that he was called in at the last minute. To which I said “oh wow. Sorry to hear that”.
And a *complete* stranger next to me looked at me and said “why are you sorry?” Omg. I was mortified. He sounded angry. (He seemed in a rush and bothered by chit chat we were having as butcher was wrapping my fish).
I’m sorry. I’m so sick of being sorry.
I think one thing is the caffeine: I need to dial that back. I slept poorly last evening. I did 1.5 cups today. That makes me more anxious. And less able to navigate social situations.
I just have to let it go and try to work on it. Let it go.

Pekelover2

Thanks everyone who responded. This has been happening a lot (apologizing). It’s har de hen you’re sober. Because you can’t hide your self loathing with alcohol.
I will try harder. Think before you speak Peke. Your mom is long gone. No one can hurt you now. There’s no rush to answer. You won’t get hit. It’s okay.
xo

RAL

Hi peke re butcher comment that's something I would have said too. It's just normal small talk like oh what a Shame or how annoying. you were not actually saying sorry for anything it's just a figure of speech

Hevyn

I do it too, Peke. I have no idea why.
At least you're aware & are trying to make a change.

Dee74

I would have said 'sorry to hear that' to the butcher because...I was sorry to hear that.
The stranger asking why I was sorry would have got the hairy eyeball from me

D

venuscat

^^^ Exactly.


You are an empathetic person, Peke, which is a GOOD thing, as far as I am concerned. s ❤️

ToughChoices

I have 2 main “types” of “I’m sorry’s”.

Type 1: I messed up. I’m sorry that I: miscommunicated/ misunderstood/ was late/ ate the last piece of tiramisu / didn’t sign the permission slip/ stepped on your finger / didn’t replace the toilet paper/ etc….

Type 2: That’s tough ****. I dislike that you are having to go through that. That’s hard.

I am not responsible for Type 2. I’m not apologizing. I don’t feel responsible, but I do wish to convey empathy for other people’s struggles.

”I’m sorry” is an apology as well as shortcut to express compassion and concern.

It’s cool to say it! You don’t have to stop saying it….just start understanding why you say it!

Purplrks3647

I was thinking the same thing!

Purplrks3647

“Sorry not sorry” is becoming easier for me to say too

Anna

Peke, I think you, like me, learned from our mothers to be sorry when we'd done nothing wrong. I never knew when my mother would flip out and saying 'Sorry' for anything and everything and nothing was the norm for me. Just being aware is half the battle. You're doing great. And, I agree with Dee about the rude customer behind you.

Alpine

I would have said sorry to the butcher as well. You are a caring individual. The person near you sounds pretty rude.

Pekelover2

I agree with all of you. I think that the apology that I gave to the butcher was a *good* thing. I’m not going to beat myself up over that.
If someone had said “I had a bad cold” I would have said “sorry to hear that” too.
What caught me off guard was the peanut gallery next to me. Just a stranger next to me asking me what I was apologizing to the butcher. Couldn’t have timed that more perfectly. It was straight out of a movie. Insert cranky person right next to Peke.

I will pause more when I speak. I will scale back on the caffeine.
I want you to know that I am trying to work on myself while I stay sober. It’s difficult. But not impossible.
I’m tired of these same personality traits. They frustrate me so much.
Thank you all again.

Bekindalways

I hear you with the self frustration. I irritate the heck out of myself.

One thing I have tried is thanking people instead of apologizing ie. to biking buddies, "thanks for your patience as I get rigged". to butcher, "Well thanks for coming in for us customers.". It seems to subtly change the situation from something kind of negative to something postive.

Just a thought. Good to have you here and posting Peke

DeplorableDog

Peke, nothing for you to feel bad about. The guy at the grocery store was a jerk. I think you took the comment wrong at the bike ride as well. You were there early, they were just there earlier and they didn't want you to stress out and feel like you need to hurry for them. I have done plenty of group rides and I am always early to everything. I doubt the group riders get upset with anyone who shows up early or late. I would have been one with my riding shoes and helmet on when you got there but still would never mind waiting.

aasharon90

You are a kind, caring person and the world needs more
folks like you. Don't be afraid to show your true self and
no need to apologize the for child God made in you.

Your strength, courage, willingness and kindness will shine
through like the sun through the clouds. A ray of sunshine.