Asabove

After years of lurking and under a new name from the last time I posted about 7 years ago.
lots of failed moderate drinking that was in fact not moderate at all. Trying to be a normal and fun drinker but always taking it too far.
I realise I cannot keep drinking.
I have kids and a new baby, 4 months old.
I’m laying in bed with guilt, fear and shame. Dreading my husband waking up and the look of disgust and lecture that will follow.
I can’t even say sorry to him anymore because it means nothing and he’s heard it all before.
The drunken conversations and texts that I regret and don’t remember fill me with so much shame.
I’m rude, mean, lazy all round pathetic person when I drink. I need to stop.

Dee74

welcome (back) Asabove
we're always here for support,

D

calmself

Moderation is a a way which the addiction in us paints an illusion so we can continue feeding it. Even if I could, it was lot of hard work with negligible rewards.

One day I deeply felt enough was enough, tired of being sick and tired, and decided to get back my life on the correct path. That day the feeling was the deepest and most heartfelt in 16 years - I clearly realized there were two people in me and I had to get rid of the bad one.

Are you there yet? Do you really want it? Or are you ok to go further deeper into the misery pit? Think about it and if yes, stay sober today.

FDL180922

Hi asabove

I can almost say the exact same thing , I’ve come back for the same reasons

RecklessDrunk

I think the idea that people like us have an allergy to alcohol is about as good as any. As soon as I touch that stuff I need more and it isn't long until it turns me in a different person. Near the end of my drinking I would joke with those close to me about calling me by a different first name when I've been drinking. A twin brother. One friend, whenever I answered his phone call would ask who he was speaking to. My voice answered the phone but which person was I at the moment? A way of asking if I had been drinking. It was so true which made it so funny. The results weren't always funny but I had/have to laugh when I think about it. All the legal trouble i was in when I first got sober and yet I found everything just so darned funny early in recovery. Like the little joker kid I was before active alcoholism. The joy of learning how to let go and live life on life's terms. The joy of hope. Guess I was so at the end of my rope I just figured I would do the next right thing and not care about the results which were out of my control. Turn it over to God as they say.

Anyway once I understood my allergic condition I understood wanting to consume more of this substance was nothing short of insanity. Like someone with a peanut allergy unable to stay away from Planter's.

Asabove

Thanks guys. I appreciate your replies.
I know i romanticise drinking. The feeling of celebration. But it quickly disappears and I just sit there drinking and not being present for my children.
I don’t know how to have fun without drinking. I guess I know it’s possible because I didn’t drink while pregnant and I felt so good. To have alcohol off the table and know it wasn’t even an option was so good.
I just need to get back there.

Hevyn

Hi Asabove - we're so glad you're here.

I drank for decades - always seeking the euphoria I once felt in the early drinking days. It took me a long time to admit every time I drank it led to reckless & dangerous behavior. It's never going to be fun for us again - time to get free. We know you can.

Delilah1

I am so glad you are back and posting! The being present for my kids was a big motivator for me to stop drinking. They’re now 15,18, and 19 and I am so glad I have been able to enjoy being present in their lives, they grow up way too fast. I also enjoy just being present in general.

I promise you life is so much better without alcohol.

brighterday1234

There is a solution. Commit to total abstinence and live recovery. AA and SR are great tools to facilitate the psychic change 🙏

Zebra1275

Welcome back!

What's your plan, to get, and stay sober?

DriGuy

This is always a good question. Too often we want to get sober, but don't have an actual plan for doing it. Hoping to get sober, even wanting deeply to quit, is not a plan. We need to adopt special plans to make it happen. AA has special plans as part of it's program. If those don't work for a person, he needs to make his own plan that fits his needs. Without a plan the move toward recovery will remain stagnant.

FreeOwl

Bay Asabove!!

as for saying ‘sorry’….

best way to say sorry is to make your way of living your amends.

your baby never has to see you a drunk.

Your husband will eventually forgive and embrace the you that you will become in sobriety.

how are you today?

Bookbuff

Hey Asabove
getting the courage to admit you have a problem and looking for help is brave. We might fall down, its the getting back up and learning from the fall that counts
I wish you well
B 🙂

Robbie64

Welcome back to SR Asabove

aasharon90

Support from like minded folks in recovery, those learning
how to get and remain sober is important, so that you don't
have to go through this alone or by yourself.

Continue to listen, learn, absorb and apply as much information
about addiction and recovery to help you achieve continuous
sobriety each day moving forward.

Welcome to sober recovery and new changes in your life.

Shealy

I have small kids too, including a six-month old. I’ve been sober for a bit over a year and a half.

Credit to this idea goes to a lady in one of my sober mom Facebook groups, but it really helped me. You said alcohol was off the table during pregnancy. Why? Because of the known substantial risks to fetal development. By the same logic, being regularly drunk around your kids, unable to connect with them and care for them, and the instability in your relationship is also very damaging.

If ever the idea of a drink crosses my mind, I can immediately shut it down. No, absolutely not, it’s off the table, moving on.

I know it’s not that simple, but embracing the fact that you’re never going to be able to drink alcohol without harming your family is a powerful motivator.

Sending you positivity and wishing you all the best xx

FreeOwl

This is a really good point.

out children’s brains are developing and wiring based on everything they see, hear and experience.

when we as parents are impaired in our ability to be present and be our best for them, we transfer our impairments and our emotional issues, our stress and our confusing inconsistencies directly into the wiring of their brains, their personalities and their abilities to be full and present humans.

our use of substances directly impairs our children.

that’s a fact of neuroscience, psychology and biology.

similarly, when we as parents fail to demonstrate our spiritual and emotional wellness through our words, thoughts and actions, we directly transfer spiritual and emotional sickness to our children.

novips

I could not stay clean and sober till I fully committed to the recovery program of Alcoholic Anonymous, and I have come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic for whom -- like me -- there is no other solution but AA. Please keep an open mind about the possibility that AA might be the solution you're looking for as well.

DriGuy

Excellent point. Why commit to the best care during the pregnancy, if you're not going to be the best mom you can be during their formative years? No responsible doctor would tell you to restart your addiction after your birthing obligations are over.

Zebra1275

DriGuy - "Excellent point. Why commit to the best care during the pregnancy, if you're not going to be the best mom you can be during their formative years? No responsible doctor would tell you to restart your addiction after your birthing obligations are over."

If this website still had a "Thanks" button I would have hit it for this post.

Instead, I will repost as this is an excellent point!