I need some feedback, please…
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 8
I need some feedback, please…
Good morning. I have been married to my husband for 18 years (we do not have children), For the majority of that time he had a severe substance use disorder with alcohol and (I did not know this until it came to light when he went into an inpatient treatment center) cocaine. He has been sober now for 18 months—something that I had prayed for our entire marriage. I love him dearly and have stood by him through the good and the bad—and when it was bad it was really bad. Now that he is sober (he attends AA regularly throughout the week, extra events that AA sponsors, etc.) he has recently informed me that he has decided that he has his “sober family” in AA and that he is never felt better in his life and that he thinks that he can do better (he means better than me). He also told me loves me less now than when we were first married. Despite the alcoholism throughout our years together we truly enjoyed each other’s company and I sincerely believe that there was a great deal of love and respect between us as it related to the marriage. it is only since he has been attending AA (for the last 18 months) that he now thinks that being married is boring and he admitted he is selfish (he is) and thinks there are other things out there for him. He said he didn’t realize marriage was work.
I am devastated by all of this new information from his sober mind. Never once in all the years we have been together has he ever said that he did not want to be married or that he didn’t love me. He was always dedicated to our marriage even though he was suffering from the addictions. Now he cannot even say that he loves me. I am beside myself. Let me repeat that—I AM BESIDE MYSELF. All I ever wanted was for him to be sober and now he’s telling me he’s questioning our marriage.
I know this sounds horrible and that most people reading this would say—leave this guy. I have a therapist that I have been seeing regularly since he willingly admitted himself to inpatient care 18 months ago. My therapist and I talk about his behaviors and how he is morphing into someone I barely know. I love him, but feel like I cannot reach him. I was elated he was sober and as a couple we were both very excited about this and what it meant for our future. For the last 13 months things have been beautiful and then all of a sudden he began becoming distant and disinterested in us. It’s like I am married to a stranger. Please help. Anyone who has experienced something like this, I am asking for your honest feedback. Thank you and God Bless.
I am devastated by all of this new information from his sober mind. Never once in all the years we have been together has he ever said that he did not want to be married or that he didn’t love me. He was always dedicated to our marriage even though he was suffering from the addictions. Now he cannot even say that he loves me. I am beside myself. Let me repeat that—I AM BESIDE MYSELF. All I ever wanted was for him to be sober and now he’s telling me he’s questioning our marriage.
I know this sounds horrible and that most people reading this would say—leave this guy. I have a therapist that I have been seeing regularly since he willingly admitted himself to inpatient care 18 months ago. My therapist and I talk about his behaviors and how he is morphing into someone I barely know. I love him, but feel like I cannot reach him. I was elated he was sober and as a couple we were both very excited about this and what it meant for our future. For the last 13 months things have been beautiful and then all of a sudden he began becoming distant and disinterested in us. It’s like I am married to a stranger. Please help. Anyone who has experienced something like this, I am asking for your honest feedback. Thank you and God Bless.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm really sorry things are going in this direction.
I've split up in a couple long-ish term relationships. I think you are doing the right thing by having your own therapy, maybe find some other outside interests too, like maybe a recovery group for families (like AlAnon.)
His behavior is not that unusual, sober or not. I'm sorry. Take care of yourself.
More will be revealed. He's gonna do what he's gonna do. . .
I've split up in a couple long-ish term relationships. I think you are doing the right thing by having your own therapy, maybe find some other outside interests too, like maybe a recovery group for families (like AlAnon.)
His behavior is not that unusual, sober or not. I'm sorry. Take care of yourself.
More will be revealed. He's gonna do what he's gonna do. . .
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 2,644
I'm sorry for what you are going through.
I hope you are able to focus on yourself going forward. Talking with your therapist about his behaviours is something you can't control. I hope you are able to talk about yourself, focus on yourself, look after yourself and decide how you are going to move forward.
I hope you are able to focus on yourself going forward. Talking with your therapist about his behaviours is something you can't control. I hope you are able to talk about yourself, focus on yourself, look after yourself and decide how you are going to move forward.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 8
Thank you, Ral. I am trying very hard to focus on myself. I really appreciate your kind reply.
Originally Posted by RAL 
I'm sorry for what you are going through.
I hope you are able to focus on yourself going forward. Talking with your therapist about his behaviours is something you can't control. I hope you are able to talk about yourself, focus on yourself, look after yourself and decide how you are going to move forward.
t
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,584
Hi and Welcome, I'm sorry for your situation. There really is little you can do, but to try to focus on yourself. Your husband is following his path right now. Take care of yourself.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,703
I agree with others, you really do need to focus on yourself, something you have probably not done for years as you poured your energies into him, and his needs, him becoming sober. It sounds like he was the hard work, not your marriage.
I'd take a step back and start to do a things for myself, develop my own life. And I'm glad you've got a therapist, too.
These things happen sometimes, and he might not be singing the same tune when he sees you off to the opera while he's at an AA meeting.
Keep coming here for support and maybe access the Friends and Family forum here. People who understand.
I'd take a step back and start to do a things for myself, develop my own life. And I'm glad you've got a therapist, too.
These things happen sometimes, and he might not be singing the same tune when he sees you off to the opera while he's at an AA meeting.
Keep coming here for support and maybe access the Friends and Family forum here. People who understand.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,584
Hi and welcome Sanjoh
I’m really sorry for what brings you here. I don’t have any experience to share but I wanted you to know that this is the place of great support.
Like others have said, look after yourself in all this. You are important too, and your needs and wants are valid.
D
I’m really sorry for what brings you here. I don’t have any experience to share but I wanted you to know that this is the place of great support.
Like others have said, look after yourself in all this. You are important too, and your needs and wants are valid.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 8
To Steely from Sanjoh
Steely—Thank you, thank you for your reply. I really do need to begin focusing on myself because it has really been about him for as long as I can remember. I had put my life on hold. In fact, I really didn’t have much of a life when it was all about him. I appreciate your encouragement and support beyond words.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Posts: 1,956
Guess his priorities have changed, now that he has a different mindset. I used to love cooking and eating egg dishes when I used to drink. It's been about 450 days since I turned sober and I never touched an egg or cooked. Zero interest in both, I don't know why.
Rather than deep diving just chart your own path and take care of yourself. Unfortunately, we can only control what we can control.
Rather than deep diving just chart your own path and take care of yourself. Unfortunately, we can only control what we can control.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,707
Hi, Sanjoh.
I can hear your heartbreak, and I understand. My late ex never achieved lasting sobriety, but he had short stretches. It was good for him, but very hard for me. I didn’t anticipate how painful SOBER hurtful words would be. I’d made excuses for his inattention and laziness when he was drinking, but I couldn’t make excuses when he soberly told me that I was the real problem. That he wanted more.
Looking back, through what felt like BETRAYAL, I can now see that my ex wasn’t supposed to walk his path with me forever. I have a rich and beautiful relationship with my current partner (and myself!!!) that blesses me daily.
His truth does not define you. You are kind, loyal, and loving. You deserve the same. He is willingly letting you know that he won’t be able to provide that. Believe him.
It’s ok to mourn the loss of your ideal, but take hope! He was never going to be that ideal. You deserve to love and respect yourself at least as much as you loved him. This will hurt, but you can grow and be more than you have yet imagined.
Thinking of you today,
TC
I can hear your heartbreak, and I understand. My late ex never achieved lasting sobriety, but he had short stretches. It was good for him, but very hard for me. I didn’t anticipate how painful SOBER hurtful words would be. I’d made excuses for his inattention and laziness when he was drinking, but I couldn’t make excuses when he soberly told me that I was the real problem. That he wanted more.
Looking back, through what felt like BETRAYAL, I can now see that my ex wasn’t supposed to walk his path with me forever. I have a rich and beautiful relationship with my current partner (and myself!!!) that blesses me daily.
His truth does not define you. You are kind, loyal, and loving. You deserve the same. He is willingly letting you know that he won’t be able to provide that. Believe him.
It’s ok to mourn the loss of your ideal, but take hope! He was never going to be that ideal. You deserve to love and respect yourself at least as much as you loved him. This will hurt, but you can grow and be more than you have yet imagined.
Thinking of you today,
TC
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Join Date: May 2022
Location: California
Posts: 355
I'll chime in. I am still newly sober at 9 months and have been married 19 years and we have 2 daughters.
I have numbed my feelings (happiness, anger, remorse, resentment, pleasure, et cetera) for at least 2 decades with alcohol. We both felt that me getting sober would fix everything and our lives as we knew would go back pre-drinking days. That was complete and total BS!
Getting sober was the easy part. Becoming emotional sober was truly the challenge and I still am not emotional sober or stable today. I'm leveling out but prior to now, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Major high's and major low's has been my life and sometimes it feels like I'm on cloud 9 and at the bottom of the barrel at the same time.
I love my wife. I don't want to lose her but I also don't know what I want for myself right now. All I do know (for the next 24 hours) is that my sobriety comes first and I will not let anything, place or person get in the way of that. Even if that means I lose my wife.
I went to Al-anon for the first time Thursday night. I wanted to hear and see what the other side of the coin looks like. I suggest that you go yourself. It just might be a diamond in the rough for you.
Remember that you are important, your life matters and your own happiness matters,
Jason
I have numbed my feelings (happiness, anger, remorse, resentment, pleasure, et cetera) for at least 2 decades with alcohol. We both felt that me getting sober would fix everything and our lives as we knew would go back pre-drinking days. That was complete and total BS!
Getting sober was the easy part. Becoming emotional sober was truly the challenge and I still am not emotional sober or stable today. I'm leveling out but prior to now, I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Major high's and major low's has been my life and sometimes it feels like I'm on cloud 9 and at the bottom of the barrel at the same time.
I love my wife. I don't want to lose her but I also don't know what I want for myself right now. All I do know (for the next 24 hours) is that my sobriety comes first and I will not let anything, place or person get in the way of that. Even if that means I lose my wife.
I went to Al-anon for the first time Thursday night. I wanted to hear and see what the other side of the coin looks like. I suggest that you go yourself. It just might be a diamond in the rough for you.
Remember that you are important, your life matters and your own happiness matters,
Jason
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,185
Breakups happen for all sorts of reasons. I've heard, but never actually witnessed that getting sober can be a reason. Like Farrier, when I decided on recovery, I committed to the idea that nothing would get in my way. I saw myself as weak and from past experience, I knew how vulnerable I could be to the slightest trigger, things like well meaning friends offering me a drink would wreck the rest of the day. It had to be either/or. Nothing could be an excuse for me to drink.
I divorced 2 years before I quit. I have often wondered if I could have quit while I was married, but never satisfactorily answered the question. One problem was that my drinking was not a problem for my wife. She approved of an aspect of me that I could not. A year after I quit, and when I knew I was done drinking, I told my ex. Her response was befuddlement without the slightest sign of understanding. I don't think it was possible for her to ever understand why sobriety was so important to me.
Maybe (and I'm just thinking out loud here), getting sober simply changes us. We are no longer the same person, and if you like the new you, you may never want to return to the old you. The outcome is that relationships with others WILL change. Newbies may often see this as a difficulty. We don't want to lose our old friends, but sometimes we have to, and sometimes we simply drift apart because what was there once is now gone. The new friends I have made don't see me as an alcoholic, may not even know that I am. They just accept me as a normal person, and the fact that I don't drink doesn't seem to matter. I actually like this. It's a different life.
I divorced 2 years before I quit. I have often wondered if I could have quit while I was married, but never satisfactorily answered the question. One problem was that my drinking was not a problem for my wife. She approved of an aspect of me that I could not. A year after I quit, and when I knew I was done drinking, I told my ex. Her response was befuddlement without the slightest sign of understanding. I don't think it was possible for her to ever understand why sobriety was so important to me.
Maybe (and I'm just thinking out loud here), getting sober simply changes us. We are no longer the same person, and if you like the new you, you may never want to return to the old you. The outcome is that relationships with others WILL change. Newbies may often see this as a difficulty. We don't want to lose our old friends, but sometimes we have to, and sometimes we simply drift apart because what was there once is now gone. The new friends I have made don't see me as an alcoholic, may not even know that I am. They just accept me as a normal person, and the fact that I don't drink doesn't seem to matter. I actually like this. It's a different life.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 530
Go to Al-Anon. Meetings can be found via this link: https://al-anon.org/al-anon-meetings...-anon-meeting/ .
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 280
I don't have personal experience like yours, but I can say that daily alcohol can make it hard to learn emotional lessons. If you can always change your feelings by drinking, then you don't really get much practice in changing your feelings without resorting todrinking. That means that for some people, stopping drinking ushers in a new way of managing emotional ups and downs.
I'm sorry for your pain. I hope things work out for the best. Al-Anon is a good resource; you can be with people who have lived through similar things.
I'm sorry for your pain. I hope things work out for the best. Al-Anon is a good resource; you can be with people who have lived through similar things.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2023
Posts: 8
Thanks to all who replied, I appreciate the insight
I discovered why my husband was questioning our marriage, it is because he is having an admitted affair with a woman in his AA group. I have met her. She knows he’s married. He doesn’t seem to care that he’s married. I am shocked beyond belief. This is something that I thought he would have done when he was drinking, not when he was 19 months sober. To say I am devastated is an understatement.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Belgrade
Posts: 318
I am really sorry for what you're going through , but that is what people do , you need to focus on yourself and on how to make your life better going forward.
I live in Serbia and here 30% of marriages end in divorce and those are actually the luckier one's because who knows what the percentage is of marriages in which people are deeply unhappy but they stay married.
I live in Serbia and here 30% of marriages end in divorce and those are actually the luckier one's because who knows what the percentage is of marriages in which people are deeply unhappy but they stay married.
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