Sanjoh

Good morning. I have been married to my husband for 18 years (we do not have children), For the majority of that time he had a severe substance use disorder with alcohol and (I did not know this until it came to light when he went into an inpatient treatment center) cocaine. He has been sober now for 18 months—something that I had prayed for our entire marriage. I love him dearly and have stood by him through the good and the bad—and when it was bad it was really bad. Now that he is sober (he attends AA regularly throughout the week, extra events that AA sponsors, etc.) he has recently informed me that he has decided that he has his “sober family” in AA and that he is never felt better in his life and that he thinks that he can do better (he means better than me). He also told me loves me less now than when we were first married. Despite the alcoholism throughout our years together we truly enjoyed each other’s company and I sincerely believe that there was a great deal of love and respect between us as it related to the marriage. it is only since he has been attending AA (for the last 18 months) that he now thinks that being married is boring and he admitted he is selfish (he is) and thinks there are other things out there for him. He said he didn’t realize marriage was work.

I am devastated by all of this new information from his sober mind. Never once in all the years we have been together has he ever said that he did not want to be married or that he didn’t love me. He was always dedicated to our marriage even though he was suffering from the addictions. Now he cannot even say that he loves me. I am beside myself. Let me repeat that—I AM BESIDE MYSELF. All I ever wanted was for him to be sober and now he’s telling me he’s questioning our marriage.

I know this sounds horrible and that most people reading this would say—leave this guy. I have a therapist that I have been seeing regularly since he willingly admitted himself to inpatient care 18 months ago. My therapist and I talk about his behaviors and how he is morphing into someone I barely know. I love him, but feel like I cannot reach him. I was elated he was sober and as a couple we were both very excited about this and what it meant for our future. For the last 13 months things have been beautiful and then all of a sudden he began becoming distant and disinterested in us. It’s like I am married to a stranger. Please help. Anyone who has experienced something like this, I am asking for your honest feedback. Thank you and God Bless.