Need help
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 15
Need help
Hi there
I've been reading this forum on and off for a number of years now. Basically everytime I have tried to stop drinking I start reading, then I'd stop reading it when I failed.
I'm back and this time I know I have to stop for good. Even writing that scares me but it's true.
I remember how good I felt back when I first got drunk at 16 it was like all the anxiety and fear in my life evaporated and I was content and happy for what felt like the first time ever.
Up till my mid forties I had some control over it. I could limit the days I drank and how much, on weekdays at least.
I was and am a mostly solitary drinker. I'd actually go out with friends for the night and not drink but leave early to get home and binge.
Over the last 10 years I've been losing control of it quicky. Hidden bottles, in bags, car, cupboards at home. I'll just have a couple always leads to at least a 350ml of vodka with beer and wine to explain to my wife why my breath smells of booze.
Knowing in my heart I'm an alcoholic but telling myself things like.
"You never drink in the morning "
"You can miss a day or 2 so you're still in control "
The usual excuses, lies and self deception.
Last weekend, after drinking heavily every night since the start of December and waking every morning hungover and promising myself I wouldn't have any tonight. I've accepted I can't control it, once I start I keep going. It's now controlling me.
At the moment I'm feeling absolutely terrified at the thought of never being drunk again. I never drank because I enjoyed the taste or the social interaction I drank to be drunk, as quickly as possible and as drunk as I could get away with.
It feels like I'm giving up a friend I've spent most of my life with, who did sometimes help me but now is hurting me.
So I'm 5 days in and feeling better already, what scares me is that I'll get a bit better then start again. 3 years ago I managed 88 days, then one Saturday afternoon a decision came out of nowhere that I was going to drink that night. I went straight back to drunk that night and haven't managed to stop for longer than a few days since.
Sorry if this is a bit long, I just wanted to introduce myself in the hope that actually joining the community would give me extra strength to keep going.
I've been reading this forum on and off for a number of years now. Basically everytime I have tried to stop drinking I start reading, then I'd stop reading it when I failed.
I'm back and this time I know I have to stop for good. Even writing that scares me but it's true.
I remember how good I felt back when I first got drunk at 16 it was like all the anxiety and fear in my life evaporated and I was content and happy for what felt like the first time ever.
Up till my mid forties I had some control over it. I could limit the days I drank and how much, on weekdays at least.
I was and am a mostly solitary drinker. I'd actually go out with friends for the night and not drink but leave early to get home and binge.
Over the last 10 years I've been losing control of it quicky. Hidden bottles, in bags, car, cupboards at home. I'll just have a couple always leads to at least a 350ml of vodka with beer and wine to explain to my wife why my breath smells of booze.
Knowing in my heart I'm an alcoholic but telling myself things like.
"You never drink in the morning "
"You can miss a day or 2 so you're still in control "
The usual excuses, lies and self deception.
Last weekend, after drinking heavily every night since the start of December and waking every morning hungover and promising myself I wouldn't have any tonight. I've accepted I can't control it, once I start I keep going. It's now controlling me.
At the moment I'm feeling absolutely terrified at the thought of never being drunk again. I never drank because I enjoyed the taste or the social interaction I drank to be drunk, as quickly as possible and as drunk as I could get away with.
It feels like I'm giving up a friend I've spent most of my life with, who did sometimes help me but now is hurting me.
So I'm 5 days in and feeling better already, what scares me is that I'll get a bit better then start again. 3 years ago I managed 88 days, then one Saturday afternoon a decision came out of nowhere that I was going to drink that night. I went straight back to drunk that night and haven't managed to stop for longer than a few days since.
Sorry if this is a bit long, I just wanted to introduce myself in the hope that actually joining the community would give me extra strength to keep going.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,874
Welcome to SR, Gaz boy. Congrats on five days of sobriety.
As you have been reading here at SR for years, you know that you will receive an abundance of support, encouragement and understanding.
We have been where you have been and are and fully understand how difficult and insidious our alcoholism can be. The good news is that you can absolutely beat alcoholism and live a satisfying and rewarding life in sobriety. The most important thing at this time is abstaining from alcohol no matter what.
You may want to join an SR Class where you can connect and interact with others very new to sobriety; here is the link to the current Class:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-1-a.html
Again, welcome.
As you have been reading here at SR for years, you know that you will receive an abundance of support, encouragement and understanding.
We have been where you have been and are and fully understand how difficult and insidious our alcoholism can be. The good news is that you can absolutely beat alcoholism and live a satisfying and rewarding life in sobriety. The most important thing at this time is abstaining from alcohol no matter what.
You may want to join an SR Class where you can connect and interact with others very new to sobriety; here is the link to the current Class:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-part-1-a.html
Again, welcome.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,594
Welcome, Gaz boy,
Thank you for sharing your story. A story so common to us all, including the fear. You will find however that the fear begins to dissipate with continued sobriety. It doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen.
One thing you can be assured of Gaz is that the fear will only worsen if you continue to drink and continue to believe the lie that alcohol whispers to you. I don't know much, but I know this for cert. omg I never want to live like that again. It's taken me time, but worth every faltering step. Step up Gaz, you will never regret the decision that says, No More!
You can be the real you, Gaz. Gaz without fear. And that's something worth fighting for. And I'm a pacifist.
I hope you continue to post Gaz.
Thank you for sharing your story. A story so common to us all, including the fear. You will find however that the fear begins to dissipate with continued sobriety. It doesn't happen overnight, but it does happen.
One thing you can be assured of Gaz is that the fear will only worsen if you continue to drink and continue to believe the lie that alcohol whispers to you. I don't know much, but I know this for cert. omg I never want to live like that again. It's taken me time, but worth every faltering step. Step up Gaz, you will never regret the decision that says, No More!
You can be the real you, Gaz. Gaz without fear. And that's something worth fighting for. And I'm a pacifist.
I hope you continue to post Gaz.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 15
Thank you for your support, I've got tears in my eyes at the moment.
I've never told anyone how bad it is before, my wife knows I drink too much but not the full extent of it. So many nights trying to sound less drunk than I am staying up late drinking more after she's in bed and masking awful hangovers.
I've never told anyone how bad it is before, my wife knows I drink too much but not the full extent of it. So many nights trying to sound less drunk than I am staying up late drinking more after she's in bed and masking awful hangovers.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,512
GazBoy, good job on 5 days of sobriety. You can do this and we're here to offer support. I also felt terrified when I thought of giving up alcohol, many of us have those feelings. But, you can get through this.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Hi Gaz - I'm so glad you're here with us. SR helped me to no longer feel alone, & that meant everything. Here, we can talk frankly about what's going on & everyone will understand.
I felt the same about alcohol when I had my first encounter with it. It seemed like a comforting answer to my anxiety. Right from the beginning, I didn't have a healthy relationship with it & should have seen what was coming. Instead, I continued trying to manage it. I never dreamed I'd become totally dependent on it & nearly lose my life. Talking with honesty about what was happening saved me. I hope you'll feel the same. You can do this.
I felt the same about alcohol when I had my first encounter with it. It seemed like a comforting answer to my anxiety. Right from the beginning, I didn't have a healthy relationship with it & should have seen what was coming. Instead, I continued trying to manage it. I never dreamed I'd become totally dependent on it & nearly lose my life. Talking with honesty about what was happening saved me. I hope you'll feel the same. You can do this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Hevyn 
Hi Gaz - I'm so glad you're here with us. SR helped me to no longer feel alone, & that meant everything. Here, we can talk frankly about what's going on & everyone will understand.
I felt the same about alcohol when I had my first encounter with it. It seemed like a comforting answer to my anxiety. Right from the beginning, I didn't have a healthy relationship with it & should have seen what was coming. Instead, I continued trying to manage it. I never dreamed I'd become totally dependent on it & nearly lose my life. Talking with honesty about what was happening saved me. I hope you'll feel the same. You can do this.
I felt the same about alcohol when I had my first encounter with it. It seemed like a comforting answer to my anxiety. Right from the beginning, I didn't have a healthy relationship with it & should have seen what was coming. Instead, I continued trying to manage it. I never dreamed I'd become totally dependent on it & nearly lose my life. Talking with honesty about what was happening saved me. I hope you'll feel the same. You can do this.
you're experience sounds similar to mine.
it really worked at the beginning, there was a lot of family trauma going on back then. And I felt like it was a blanket of peaceful oblivion.
That feeling didn't last long however, maybe I subconsciously thought I could get that back if I kept going with the drink.
I'm sorry it got so bad for you,
Member
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 1,318
Congratulations on your sober time already Gaz, sounds like you've made a great decision to quit for good.
it does feel daunting at first, I agree, however as time goes by and you get stronger and reap the benefits of sobriety you will find it gets alot easier.
Like you, I tried to calm it down and stopped for 105 days a couple of years ago, then like you restarted. 105 days certainly let me see the start of the benefits of being sober but I didn't use all the tools I should have.
This time I posted here regularly and stayed active, read the advice and used what I felt would be beneficial and I'm at 13 months today and wouldn't want to go back to where I was for all the money in the world.
stay close and keep posting, support here is amazing. You can do this!
it does feel daunting at first, I agree, however as time goes by and you get stronger and reap the benefits of sobriety you will find it gets alot easier.
Like you, I tried to calm it down and stopped for 105 days a couple of years ago, then like you restarted. 105 days certainly let me see the start of the benefits of being sober but I didn't use all the tools I should have.
This time I posted here regularly and stayed active, read the advice and used what I felt would be beneficial and I'm at 13 months today and wouldn't want to go back to where I was for all the money in the world.
stay close and keep posting, support here is amazing. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London, England
Posts: 7,060
Hi Gaz, I can relate to so much of what you have said. Alcohol the instant cure all, my, did it work. I was no longer shy, no longer scared of my dad, no longer inhibited and as for anxiety, what anxiety - until the next day when everything was so much worse.
As a very young woman I was the person that was always drunk at parties, the person everyone was talking about the next day. Every time I was never going to do it again.. I hated everything about me.
Circumstances change over the years and I soon started drinking at home. Every evening after work and partying at weekends. Then I became unable to work and a combination of trauma and deteriorating mental health things really escalated. I too was the person who never drank in the morning until suddenly I was that person. I drank copious amounts of vodka (I put it in milk to ease the liver pain) anytime I was awake just to pass out again.
As you know Gaz, it is progressive. I'm glad you are here and seeking help before you get in any deeper.
Just to add thanks to SR, I am now over 4 years sober. I truly thought it was impossible from the depths I had sunk, but here I am
As a very young woman I was the person that was always drunk at parties, the person everyone was talking about the next day. Every time I was never going to do it again.. I hated everything about me.
Circumstances change over the years and I soon started drinking at home. Every evening after work and partying at weekends. Then I became unable to work and a combination of trauma and deteriorating mental health things really escalated. I too was the person who never drank in the morning until suddenly I was that person. I drank copious amounts of vodka (I put it in milk to ease the liver pain) anytime I was awake just to pass out again.
As you know Gaz, it is progressive. I'm glad you are here and seeking help before you get in any deeper.
Just to add thanks to SR, I am now over 4 years sober. I truly thought it was impossible from the depths I had sunk, but here I am
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Britbird80
Congratulations on your sober time already Gaz, sounds like you've made a great decision to quit for good.
it does feel daunting at first, I agree, however as time goes by and you get stronger and reap the benefits of sobriety you will find it gets alot easier.
Like you, I tried to calm it down and stopped for 105 days a couple of years ago, then like you restarted. 105 days certainly let me see the start of the benefits of being sober but I didn't use all the tools I should have.
This time I posted here regularly and stayed active, read the advice and used what I felt would be beneficial and I'm at 13 months today and wouldn't want to go back to where I was for all the money in the world.
stay close and keep posting, support here is amazing. You can do this!
it does feel daunting at first, I agree, however as time goes by and you get stronger and reap the benefits of sobriety you will find it gets alot easier.
Like you, I tried to calm it down and stopped for 105 days a couple of years ago, then like you restarted. 105 days certainly let me see the start of the benefits of being sober but I didn't use all the tools I should have.
This time I posted here regularly and stayed active, read the advice and used what I felt would be beneficial and I'm at 13 months today and wouldn't want to go back to where I was for all the money in the world.
stay close and keep posting, support here is amazing. You can do this!
When I did 88 days I didn't really do it right, all I did was stop drinking and didn't change any of my normal routine. If I'm honest I think I was looking to prove to myself
I could stop before I got back at it. I think it's 88 days and not 90 because the 88th day was a Saturday and I didn't have to worry about work the next day.
This time I'm hitting the gym to get over the mid evening hump, reading and concentrating on waht I'm gaining and not what I'm losing. And obviously I've actually joined this forum this time.
Thanks you for taking the time to help and well done, I hope to be at 13 months a year from now.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by Kaily
Hi Gaz, I can relate to so much of what you have said. Alcohol the instant cure all, my, did it work. I was no longer shy, no longer scared of my dad, no longer inhibited and as for anxiety, what anxiety - until the next day when everything was so much worse.
As a very young woman I was the person that was always drunk at parties, the person everyone was talking about the next day. Every time I was never going to do it again.. I hated everything about me.
Circumstances change over the years and I soon started drinking at home. Every evening after work and partying at weekends. Then I became unable to work and a combination of trauma and deteriorating mental health things really escalated. I too was the person who never drank in the morning until suddenly I was that person. I drank copious amounts of vodka (I put it in milk to ease the liver pain) anytime I was awake just to pass out again.
As you know Gaz, it is progressive. I'm glad you are here and seeking help before you get in any deeper.
Just to add thanks to SR, I am now over 4 years sober. I truly thought it was impossible from the depths I had sunk, but here I am
As a very young woman I was the person that was always drunk at parties, the person everyone was talking about the next day. Every time I was never going to do it again.. I hated everything about me.
Circumstances change over the years and I soon started drinking at home. Every evening after work and partying at weekends. Then I became unable to work and a combination of trauma and deteriorating mental health things really escalated. I too was the person who never drank in the morning until suddenly I was that person. I drank copious amounts of vodka (I put it in milk to ease the liver pain) anytime I was awake just to pass out again.
As you know Gaz, it is progressive. I'm glad you are here and seeking help before you get in any deeper.
Just to add thanks to SR, I am now over 4 years sober. I truly thought it was impossible from the depths I had sunk, but here I am
i could see it getting worse quickly just around Christmas, I had actually removed a lot of the trauma from my life over the last year but still wanted to get drunk every day. It was like the excuses I used had been fixed and still I was drinking even more.
the trigger was having 3 weeks off over Christmas I was given around 3.5 litres of overproof rum as a present, I drank it all and started filling the bottles with new booze I was buying and hiding from my wife. There was no work next day to ease off for and I just couldn't stop.
i felt sick my liver hurt, every morning I was hiding how hungover I was trying to get through the day then starting again that evening.
I don't want to live like that anymore
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,169
Like others here, you description of those years of pre-recovery failures reminds me so much of me. Being terrified of never getting drunk again (did I read that right?) is close, but what I remember is feeling like there would always be some legitimate reason down the road where drinking would be required that would make never drinking again an impossible goal. Maybe I could just stop drinking every night, and just drink a couple of times a year. That would make recovery at least within my grasp. But here's the thing. I could not come to terms with getting better until I happily resolved to at least try not drinking ever again. That was a pretty quick transition to actually never drinking again. And every legitimate reason for why it would be necessary to drink, turned out to be bogus, as millions of people prove every day in those situations when they don't drink, and they don't even make a big deal out of the fact that they don't. This is the way alcoholism works. We fall prey to our own lies and self deceptions to feed our addiction.
Rational Recovery is a program which focuses on that one issue of the Addictive Voice that lies to ourselves and resides in every alcoholic. And the example above is only one lie out of millions. We have to become aware of our own lies and self deceptions, and then learn to ignore them. Our goal for a future of health and recovery has to be stronger than our need to believe our own childish nonsense.
Yes, you have failed time and time again. Join the club. We all went through that phase. For me it was a matter of getting through a couple weeks of cravings until they subsided enough for me to stop thinking about alcohol and start acting like a person who never drinks. And it was worth it. It's no longer a sacrifice because I just don't drink. I am no longer the person who feeds a harmful addiction. I have slowly integrated myself back into normal society, except for one thing. I don't drink.
Rational Recovery is a program which focuses on that one issue of the Addictive Voice that lies to ourselves and resides in every alcoholic. And the example above is only one lie out of millions. We have to become aware of our own lies and self deceptions, and then learn to ignore them. Our goal for a future of health and recovery has to be stronger than our need to believe our own childish nonsense.
Yes, you have failed time and time again. Join the club. We all went through that phase. For me it was a matter of getting through a couple weeks of cravings until they subsided enough for me to stop thinking about alcohol and start acting like a person who never drinks. And it was worth it. It's no longer a sacrifice because I just don't drink. I am no longer the person who feeds a harmful addiction. I have slowly integrated myself back into normal society, except for one thing. I don't drink.
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