nez

I know that feeling well. I also know the feeling of being absolutely terrified at the thought of being drunk again. It was that no/win situation of sheer desperation and total exhaustion that left me with no resistance to the better life that was available to me. I surrendered and by doing so, I won.

I also know this well, but in doing so, I found a true friend, myself, the real me. I am becoming the man I always wanted to be. I never found that through the bottle. It only happened by walking away from "that friend"!!!

SproutLife

Hi Gaz welcome! Not too much to add other then what othera have but welcome. I chuckled a bit at the vodka in cubbards with beer to hide how much I really drank - I did that too! Looking back my husband was probably totally aware. We certainly put a lot of effort to our buddy booze eh? Hes a terrible awful taker of a buddy though!

YAY to get through 5 days! Keep posting it helps me too and others, where youve been I've been just recently and its so much better here and gets easier in different ways every day.

Britbird80

Thank you Gaz and you will be at the same place, you sound like your really focused and want this!
I totally relate to your words about the 88 days. I do feel I slightly white knuckled my way through 105 days and that it was to make a point to myself that I could stop if I wanted too and I definitely didn't have the mindset of it being forever, I was lacking in keeping observant of the AV and I listened to it! Now it doesn't get the chance to bother me because it gets the boot before it tries to convince me, that mixed with ALOT of audible books at bedtime and daily/reading and posting here, trying and doing new thinks all helped change my mindset this time and suddenly it hit me that I really actually didn't want to drink alcohol, its a great feeling when it comes.

Worried14

5 days of sobriety is a great start Gaz . I too can identify with a lot of your story - including the feeling better after a bit of sobriety and so well enough to have a drink, over and over again.
SR is a great place to come and share

Radix

"What I remember is feeling like there would always be some legitimate reason down the road where drinking would be required that would make never drinking again an impossible goal."

I think of that as the "wedding lie." It goes like this: Someday I may have to attend a wedding, and everyone drinks at weddings, and therefore I will have to drink at this hypothetical wedding, and if I will have to drink in the future, then there's no such thing as quitting for good, so it's impossible to stop forever, and so I better not waste time and effort trying to stop.

It sounds so stupid to write it out, but it was a lie that swirled in my head for years. "I may have to go to a wedding some day, so it doesn't make sense to stop drinking."

Now I realize that the AV speaks for only one reason, which is to perpetuate the drinking behavior. The AV will keep inventing lies all day long, in order to make it seem inevitable and proper to keep drinking.

I'm over a year into sobriety now and much happier.

Gaz: you can do this. Putting other activities into your former drinking time is a good idea. Don't forget to notice how much better you feel, and not just physically.

Gaz boy

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply and help me.
it's an inspiration to know you guys have been here and have gotten through and are living a sober life.

Dri Guy I really relate to what you have written I now realise that every time I stopped in the past it was with the idea that I would be able to go back but limit and control it. Didn't happen it was always back to getting drunk every time I drank and the number of days going quickly back up also.
if anything it got worse because I thought I deserved a reward for staying off it for however long.

sprout.
I wasn't fooling her I don't think, I remember her asking a few times why are you so drunk after 3 beers. One of the things I'm looking forward to is not having to find new ways to hide and smuggle drink into my house. And not having to remember which bottles are diluted with water and which aren't.

bribird
I've been reading tons and listening to podcasts and YouTube talks. I've realised that just sitting doing the same stuff but not drinking isn't going to work, I have to change my thinking and do things actively to distract and fill my time.
cravings haven't been too bad yet but I know they'll come this weekend, Friday night heavy drinking has always been the highlight of my week since I was a teenager. I'm planning on going to the gym then treating myself to some good food nice soft drinks and a good movie which I'll actually remember watching to the end, which will be a nice change.

Britbird80

Radix, this definitely strikes a chord with me! and kept me stuck in cycle for so long! What a lie it was to ourselves. Now done all the firsts sober and each and every one was a more memorable and pleasurable event.

Great food, nice drink and a movie is a great way to spend Friday night Gaz, you will not regret waking up feeling great Saturday morning.

least

Welcome to the family and congrats on five days sober, or is it six now?

DriGuy

I know, I know. That hypothetical wedding was always the first "special occasion" that popped into my head, even though not everyone drinks at a wedding. But to an alcoholic considering recovery, the AV can sound logical. And that is the challenge in Rational Recovery; We have to develop enough logic to identify the AV and separate what "sounds logical" from what "is logical," and then ignore the nonsense.

DriGuy

I'm guessing that idea that we are now well and can drink normally is the most common trigger in relapse. I experienced that thought once at about 6 months. It was brief, and I came to my senses quickly, but for a moment it seemed totally reasonable because I had been doing so well that I felt like a normal person. It was probably my one biggest "jump scare" in recovery to realize for just that moment I could so easily deceive myself.

Fortunately, I had been assured more times than I can remember that alcoholics can never go back to drinking and do it successfully. Even more fortunately, I had taken that information to heart, and I never wanted to go through that first couple weeks of cravings again.

LazaB

I have a wedding coming up in September that i can not avoid , i am 33 days sober today but my mind actually sees a wedding as an impossible thing to through sober , i hope that changes in the next few months.

nez

Don't let the future steal your present. Here and now is the time to be building a better future by focusing on the foundation of your recovery. Time spent worrying about the future is time taken away from working on the foundation. A solid foundation is what will allow you weather the wedding In September. Spend all of your time laying bricks and you won't have any time to sow seeds of doubt about the future.

Dee74

I've been through many weddings sober now, and many other situations that I thought once I would never get through sober.

You can do it. Don't count yourself out before the event even happens

There's no better feeling than waking up the next morning and not having to wonder what stupid things you did last night in front of your relatives/friends.

D

DriGuy

I responded to this post yesterday, but it's gone. Either it didn't post, or was deleted. Could have been I didn't click the right button to post it. So I'm going to try again. Plan for the wedding. Plan to leave the reception if you need to escape. Ideally bring your own transportation, or be sure the person you are with won't balk at getting you out of there pronto. Just having a preplanned strategy can give you the confidence to make it through the whole event. But, commit yourself to the plan and be prepared to execute it if you need it.

Get through this and you will be stronger and more confident about future events. Maybe think of it as an experience to grow, rather than a test of self worth. Just don't drink. Focus on others who are not drinking.

SoberLeigh

How are you doing, Gaz boy?

Gaz boy

Thanks for asking Leigh.
Well I'm still sober, managed to resist my first real weekend but it was really hard going. I said earlier weekends were my big drinking nights, something I really looked forward to since my teenage years.
Both Friday and Saturday my AV was kind of shouting really loud for me to just have a few. I had an unpleasant taste in my mouth both nights it was strange. I got through it by making tasty soft drink combos and eating fruit.

the other strange thing was both Saturday and Sunday I had total brain fog like a hangover without the nausea, though I did have a headache both days.
I wonder if my brain is so used to bad hangovers those days it defaults to that state without the alcohol.
Anyway I managed to resist so I'm feeling quite proud.
I'm hoping next weekend will be a bit easier but honestly I'm not too optimistic.

SoberLeigh

Well done, Gaz boy, on getting through your usual drinking days without picking up. It certainly seems that alcoholic consumption etches a pathway of its own in our brains; it’s not surprising that your AV was in over-drive on those days. Brain fog bothered me for quite some time in varying degrees - up and down in its intensity. Have faith that it will eventually subside for good.

Again, well done; you deserve to be proud of yourself as we are proud of you.

Dee74

I wasn't too optimistic either but I posted here when I need help and I got through.
Gradually the Friday Saturday thing died off.

It will for you too - use the help when you need it Gaz.

D

Gaz boy

I read through sober recovery a lot both nights, especially Saturday when I came closest to drinking. Reading others stories and knowing they managed to get through it helped a lot. Also not wanting to post that I hadn't managed to resist stopped me at the point I came closest. So thank you all for helping.

Dee74

we're always here

D