Steely

I see....

Part of what? 🎈

What does your 'best' look like a Tetrax?

Steely

Shotgun. Lol

silentrun

Im sorry you are hurting T.

novips

I have come to believe that there is a type of alcoholic whose only hope lies in fully committing to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous, and I am one of those types. Thus, I typically look to A.A.'s Big Book for answers to questions like, "Why bother?" One of the things I find there is confirmation that I'm not alone when I have periods of despair and hopelessness:

"There are many situations which arise out of the phenomenon of craving [i.e., the disease of alcoholism] which cause men to make the supreme sacrifice rather than continue to fight."

"The idea that somehow, someday he will control and enjoy his drinking is the great obsession of every abnormal drinker. The persistence of this illusion is astonishing. Many pursue it into the gates of insanity or death."

"To be doomed to an alcoholic death or to live on a spiritual basis are not always easy alternatives to face."

Fortunately,

"There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet. We have found much of heaven and we have been rocketed into a fourth dimension of existence of which we had not even dreamed. The great fact is just this, and nothing less: That we have had deep and effective spiritual experiences which have revolutionized our whole attitude toward life, toward our fellows and toward God's universe. The central fact of our lives today is the absolute certainty that our Creator has entered into our hearts and lives in a way which is indeed miraculous. He has commenced to accomplish those things for us which we could never do by ourselves. If you are as seriously alcoholic as we were, we believe there is no middle-of-the-road solution. We were in a position where life was becoming impossible, and if we had passed into the region from which there is no return through human aid, we had but two alternatives: One was to go on to the bitter end, blotting out the consciousness of our intolerable situation as best we could; and the other, to accept spiritual help. This we did because we honestly wanted to, and were willing to make the effort."

Wastinglife

I sometimes picture myself plunging off a bridge. Not that I'm suicidal, but rather I fantasize about the instant peace it would bring. Strangely therapeutic haha

silentrun

I was pretty suicidal toward the end of my drinking days. It was kinda therapeutic thinking there was some kind of relief if it came to that. We can do so much better tho. Im so grateful I survived all of that and have given myself the chance to put it right.

Steely

https://poets.org/poem/and-death-shall-have-no-dominion

dustyfox

what a great set of answers, real insight with such warmth and empathy - and all of that is why we must bother - to connect with ourselves, others, the world, the universe, To feel real. To feel real however awkward, painful, and frightening.
It is good to know we are real, I mean sober, clean, free from the stuff that is killing us.
It's too tragic to waste life drowning in alcohol.

Kaily

Now I use suicide thoughts as a kind of safety net. I tell myself it is there if needed if things ever get really bad. A lot of people have family that they can ask for help, I don't and everyone needs something. Writing this out has made me think, and now I wonder if I keep suicide as a kind of higher power.

When I have actually been truly suicidal I was scared to do it. Not of dying but of failing and making life even worse.

Steely

Kaily, that was a great reply.

Sounds like you've got a compassionate higher power.

Worried14

Hi from the uk too . I'm just coming off a bender so I'm not very well. So my post might be a bit off.
I'm just wondering what makes you think you'll find peace? I'm frightened of dying particularly when I'm in active alcoholism. What if there's a life after death and the feelings I have when wanting it all to end are still there? I've read a lot of people's experiences of nearly dying. They're pretty convinced that their experiences are real, more real even than life. One of the hells of coming off a bender for me is the fear of dying and going to a self imposed hell. Its a motivation to try to keep sober so I can get myself ready to die and not go to such a bad place. Other than not drinking I'm not sure how I'll avoid it. I'm still trying. But I don't worry about it as much when I'm sober.

Dee74

I read your post and then your signature Worried - I believe there is redemption (and forgiveness) available for all of us

D

Worried14

I love Dylan Thomas poems Steely, especially when Dylan is speaking them. I sometimes listen to them while driving. There's another one he wrote about death "Do not go gentle into that good night"

Worried14

Hello Dee, I believe redemption is available to all of us too. I think I'm just worried I won't know where to find it. Do I have to shout out into the darkness for a higher power and then ask to be leet into a good place, and do I have to be in a particular frame of mind. Things like that. No one knows until it happens.

Dee74

The thing is noone knows. Its a faith thing tho - I read it as unlimited forgiveness and its as simple as asking Outside scripture - What I know is I've lived my life as a drunk and I've lived my life sober and living sober beats drunk hands down.
You have nothing standing in your way if you want to live a sober life Worried

Kaily

I believe dead is dead. Gone to a nothingness, no afterlife.

Worried14

Oh being frightened of death isn't an obstacle its the opposite,, it gives me a good reason to stay sober. Thanks for reminding me of that quote from the bible, its a comforting thought and I sort of believe it but get doubts when I'm hungover. I don't feel so frightened if I stay sober. Its all part of the depressing effect of alcohol I suppose.
No, there's nothing in my way, I'll keep that in mind.

Worried14

Well you might be right kaily and that would mean there's nothing to worry about. When I'm sober I like to believe there's something more. I find it gives more of a reason for my life and it can be quite an enjoyable thought.

Forwards

Hi Tetrax,

I was thinking of you just a few days ago and wondering how you were doing - I'm glad to see you are still checking in.

There are a few good points here and lots of AV thinking to call out. When in the thralls of active alcoholism and mental illness, ending it all did sometimes seem an easy way out. I'll not go into details here so as not to distress others but I actively investigated all the options and went so far as to act some of them out. Now, coming up to four years sober, with the promises of recovery coming true for me, such thoughts and actions are unthinkable, crazy in fact. I was quite literally mad.

I'm sorry you drank at Christmas but again I can see the AV glaring out here. I have just had one of the best Christmases ever. I didn't drink, didn't want to drink and was completely relaxed about the whole matter. That's what recovery has done for me. Instead of attending as an alcohol inflated false version of myself, I was able to connect, empathize and bond with my family in a way that simply wouldn't have been possible in years past. For this I am Grateful.

This brings me to my last and most important point. You are not different to the rest of us. If you put in the recovery work, avoiding alcohol above all else the recovery is possible for you too. You might not believe it right now, and I know it requires a huge leap of faith but it really can be done.

All the best for the New Year. Forwards.

Dee74

Great post Forwards - thanks

D