Last night I did the worst thing I could have ever done
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Originally Posted by Fxckedit 
I am sober and I will never lose control or my memories again.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I've been there. I know exactly how you are feeling! I have done the strangest things in a blackout. I get in fights with strangers at bars, have seriously injured myself and ended up in the ER, been arrested over a dozen times etc. Things I would never do sober.
Countless times I have woken up on a cot in the ER with no idea how I got there or what happened. Because I was drinking alone, I never find out and that makes my imagination run wild.
You aren't a bad person. Some people just can't drink alcohol normally. It's Christmas. You are forgiven!
Countless times I have woken up on a cot in the ER with no idea how I got there or what happened. Because I was drinking alone, I never find out and that makes my imagination run wild.
You aren't a bad person. Some people just can't drink alcohol normally. It's Christmas. You are forgiven!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 744
No one can diagnose another as alcoholic.
There are many different types of alcoholics and drinking patterns.
Alcoholism is a combination of a sort of allergic reaction to alcohol and an obsession to drink it. Alcoholism is not an amount consumed or a frequency of consumption.
Our bodies do not react to alcohol the same way as normal people. We can at times control ourselves or appear to. Many times we can not and lose the ability to control how much we drink and/or how we behave.
Having this allergy alone is not Alcoholism. You simply never drink again. If you are allergic to strawberries you don't eat strawberries. You don't go to meetings to avoid eating strawberries.
We Alcoholics have a form of insanity that causes us to knowingly consume a substance that will harm us. Its like someone with a strawberry allergy having an obsession to eat strawberries.
No matter how many months or years down the road. If you ever feel like picking up another drink please read and post here first.
There are many different types of alcoholics and drinking patterns.
Alcoholism is a combination of a sort of allergic reaction to alcohol and an obsession to drink it. Alcoholism is not an amount consumed or a frequency of consumption.
Our bodies do not react to alcohol the same way as normal people. We can at times control ourselves or appear to. Many times we can not and lose the ability to control how much we drink and/or how we behave.
Having this allergy alone is not Alcoholism. You simply never drink again. If you are allergic to strawberries you don't eat strawberries. You don't go to meetings to avoid eating strawberries.
We Alcoholics have a form of insanity that causes us to knowingly consume a substance that will harm us. Its like someone with a strawberry allergy having an obsession to eat strawberries.
No matter how many months or years down the road. If you ever feel like picking up another drink please read and post here first.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2022
Posts: 5
Hi lovely folks
My plan of action is to, sadly, get a full account of what I did and how I did it. Once I have this information, I'm going to write it all down in my journal so that I have an outlet. I can't do it yet because I've only just started feeling human again. But I will do it.
From there, I need to know my triggers. i know my trigger - it's social anxiety and depression. I very rarely drink but I have very rarely had a good experience.
I will look to see if there are any meetings in my area. I need to come to terms with other instances where other things have happened, including SA.
I am a home bird and don't go out often. So avoidance will be no issue for me.
My boyfriends friends are also a trigger for me because theyre all a bit full on and dramatic. There is no need for me to keep in contact with them. They live about 40 minutes away and they tend to go hard on the booze and drugs.
Finally, i am going to accept that this happened. I can't change it. I can just try and heal from what's happened. I have never thought I've needed to stop drinking. Even after waking up in a house full of men with no clothes on and no phone or friend.
There's something about this time that has reminded me of all those suicidal days and weeks after and how I paid so much more than the worth of the terrible night I had endured.
Nothing is permanent in this life, not even our troubles.
My plan of action is to, sadly, get a full account of what I did and how I did it. Once I have this information, I'm going to write it all down in my journal so that I have an outlet. I can't do it yet because I've only just started feeling human again. But I will do it.
From there, I need to know my triggers. i know my trigger - it's social anxiety and depression. I very rarely drink but I have very rarely had a good experience.
I will look to see if there are any meetings in my area. I need to come to terms with other instances where other things have happened, including SA.
I am a home bird and don't go out often. So avoidance will be no issue for me.
My boyfriends friends are also a trigger for me because theyre all a bit full on and dramatic. There is no need for me to keep in contact with them. They live about 40 minutes away and they tend to go hard on the booze and drugs.
Finally, i am going to accept that this happened. I can't change it. I can just try and heal from what's happened. I have never thought I've needed to stop drinking. Even after waking up in a house full of men with no clothes on and no phone or friend.
There's something about this time that has reminded me of all those suicidal days and weeks after and how I paid so much more than the worth of the terrible night I had endured.
Nothing is permanent in this life, not even our troubles.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Good job identifying the triggers, FI. I think writing down what happened is an excellent idea. So glad you are safe. Eliminate all those people and places from your life, as many of us have had to do, and move in a more healthy direction. The great news is you're not a daily drinker having to deal with cravings.. and you never have to go through that again.
Keep posting and visiting here for support, and Merry Christmas!
Keep posting and visiting here for support, and Merry Christmas!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
Unfortunately the memory of bad things happening in blackouts never stopped me drinking for long.
I’d just resolve not to drink so much, or drink something I didn’t like the taste of..etc etc
I was trying to control the uncontrollable. Once alcohol touches my lips all good intent is gone.
I’m not trying to dissuade you - write it down by all means….but it’s good you’re thinking about other things you can do as well to remain 100% at all times an ex - drinker
D
I’d just resolve not to drink so much, or drink something I didn’t like the taste of..etc etc
I was trying to control the uncontrollable. Once alcohol touches my lips all good intent is gone.
I’m not trying to dissuade you - write it down by all means….but it’s good you’re thinking about other things you can do as well to remain 100% at all times an ex - drinker
D
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
“Here, here,” to what Dee and RecklessDrunk said!
I never drank impressive quantities of alcohol, and I definitely didn’t drink everyday. But, I AM an alcoholic because I am allergic (blackout without any intention of drinking to excess) AND I have an obsession with getting out of/away from my difficult emotions.
The negative consequences of my allergy (blackout) woke me up to the severity, the physicality of my problem. That makes an impression.
But my continuing devotion to recovery comes from my realization of the obsession I had with escape. Why did I want out of my head? What’s wrong with my head? Why did I desire to chemically alter my emotional state? How can I make healthier changes so that I can feel good AND be my true self?
We are complicated.
Journal this out and continue to look within. If you’ve only got the allergy, abstinence will be a much easier path. If you’ve got the obsession, as well, you are in the right place.
Merry Christmas!
-TC
I never drank impressive quantities of alcohol, and I definitely didn’t drink everyday. But, I AM an alcoholic because I am allergic (blackout without any intention of drinking to excess) AND I have an obsession with getting out of/away from my difficult emotions.
The negative consequences of my allergy (blackout) woke me up to the severity, the physicality of my problem. That makes an impression.
But my continuing devotion to recovery comes from my realization of the obsession I had with escape. Why did I want out of my head? What’s wrong with my head? Why did I desire to chemically alter my emotional state? How can I make healthier changes so that I can feel good AND be my true self?
We are complicated.
Journal this out and continue to look within. If you’ve only got the allergy, abstinence will be a much easier path. If you’ve got the obsession, as well, you are in the right place.
Merry Christmas!
-TC
Member
Join Date: Dec 2022
Posts: 29
Happy Christmas FXCKEDIT,
Please don't beat yourself up. Rock bottom is okay 'cos you can't get lower and then the only way is up.
the number of people I deliberately hurt (emotionally), for no reason was ridiculous. I think I was so angry with the world that somebody and everybody had to pay. I am so lucky that most have stood by me and been incredibly generous in their forgiving.
I called my best friend's daughter a fat little ( c word) because she wanted to watch a different TY channel when I was at THEIR house. When my pal angrily picked me up on it, I went for him with a baseball bat and he ran out the house, terrified. . I was horrible. The more someone meant to me, the worse I was to them. I don't beat myself up about it anymore. Why, because the amount I was drinking led me to insanity. That person doesn't exist now I'm sober. I never want that character to raise it's ugly head in me anymore. As much as friends have forgiving me, I've also forgiven myself and that feels good. Try and do the same. Forgive yourself.
I wish you all the very best and you will get things sorted out, I'm sure,
God bless,
Kes
Please don't beat yourself up. Rock bottom is okay 'cos you can't get lower and then the only way is up.
the number of people I deliberately hurt (emotionally), for no reason was ridiculous. I think I was so angry with the world that somebody and everybody had to pay. I am so lucky that most have stood by me and been incredibly generous in their forgiving.
I called my best friend's daughter a fat little ( c word) because she wanted to watch a different TY channel when I was at THEIR house. When my pal angrily picked me up on it, I went for him with a baseball bat and he ran out the house, terrified. . I was horrible. The more someone meant to me, the worse I was to them. I don't beat myself up about it anymore. Why, because the amount I was drinking led me to insanity. That person doesn't exist now I'm sober. I never want that character to raise it's ugly head in me anymore. As much as friends have forgiving me, I've also forgiven myself and that feels good. Try and do the same. Forgive yourself.
I wish you all the very best and you will get things sorted out, I'm sure,
God bless,
Kes
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Thinking about the evening you recently had, and so many similar evenings I had, sends shivers down my spine. One of the very best things about sobriety is that we never again have to wonder what we did in a blackout. It is one of the many great things about being sober. Don't be too hard on yourself. You can leave that all behind you now.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Probably one of the worst things about addiction is that it causes us to behave in ways we find morally reprehensible. Its called moral injury and its a soul killer. We all know how that feels. Every one survived this latest episode, including you. You've done no lasting damage. If you recover now it will be one of those things you look back on and feel grateful you never have to worry might happen again because that's not who you really are anyway.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,680
You have my empathy and prayers.
Alcohol turned me into something I wasn't . I feel it everyday with the alienation from my sons.
I suggest you get some support- not family or friends, but a professional, AA meetings (they really DO help), your GP.
Take this experience and use it to earn, not punish (which I do in my mem's, no expert, but I try).
We cannot change what has occurred , but even though I hated my final, very horrible days drinking, I did start to learn. I had to have help from others, I couldn't do it alone. When I finally accepted I could not drink alcohol..moderated, supervised, with a limit.....that meant not going to places where I knew alcohol would tempt me......I cannot drink ever. If I do, I die.
AND SR (here) has been a daily support for me and it has been very good.
Again you have my prayers and support.
Alcohol turned me into something I wasn't . I feel it everyday with the alienation from my sons.
I suggest you get some support- not family or friends, but a professional, AA meetings (they really DO help), your GP.
Take this experience and use it to earn, not punish (which I do in my mem's, no expert, but I try).
We cannot change what has occurred , but even though I hated my final, very horrible days drinking, I did start to learn. I had to have help from others, I couldn't do it alone. When I finally accepted I could not drink alcohol..moderated, supervised, with a limit.....that meant not going to places where I knew alcohol would tempt me......I cannot drink ever. If I do, I die.
AND SR (here) has been a daily support for me and it has been very good.
Again you have my prayers and support.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
