Last night I did the worst thing I could have ever done
 

I'm writing this out because I can't cope with my guilt and self-loathing.

I haven't been eating and have been in and out of hospital to look after my parents, who are hard work.

My boyfriend asked if I'd go and hang out with him and his friends and I agreed.

I was having a good time and then a black fog comes over my mind and just muddies the waters to the point where I can see nothing.

I remember being shouted at by my boyfriend and his friend. I believed they had done me wrong and so I left the house, called a cab and had a mental breakdown.

I got home and when I woke up, I messaged my boyfriend to say we were over and that I hated him. He proceeded to tell me what I did.

What I did, was got naked and snogged his best friend who had been trying it on all night. When I got called out by my partner and his friend, I told them both some horrible things and the girl won't talk to me at all. I can't remember this happening and I was lucky enough that my boyfriend came over and held me whilst i cried uncontrollably all day.

The guilt I am struggling with is why was I so horrible to this girl? I like her. We were having a nice time. How could I do this to my boyfriend? How could I do this to myself? How could I think that my boyfriend and his friend had wronged ME when I was the one who was the villain in this scenario.

I'm dealing with a lot of crap. Im not excusing my behaviour. Ive blacked out before and have put myself in dangerous situations that I've had to live with. But I have never been so cruel.

I cant clear my mind and I can't stop panicking. I really need someone to talk to.

Oh, darlin, I'm so sorry. It's the alcohol, not you. If I had the courage I could tell you a few similar tales about myself. Hurt people I really cared about. Got naked, Did really stupid, embarrassing things. I'm blushing at this very moment in recall.

This could be the very thing that needed to take place so as to convince you about alcohol, and people like us. :)

You sound like you have a very good boyfriend, and if you weren't a really lovely person when sober, he'd probably have been out the door long ago.

Use this to your advantage, and move ever forward in sobriety.

Friends forgive.

Happy Christmas sweetheart. ❤️

Hi and welcome :)
Like most of us here who've experienced a blackout period and have had the horrible details filled in by others, its a dreadful situation to be in the morning after.

I still remember the feeling and its been nearly 2 decades for me.

There's really not much you can do about last night though - its happened, its over.

You can do a lot about never putting yourself in that situation again though - and following that perhaps you can make amends at some future date?.

The key lies in accepting that you have a horrible relationship with alcohol, it turns you into someone you don't want to be, and you need to stop drinking if you want these sorts of episodes to stop.

I'd think about changing your user name too - it's not very positive, and I think your name should reflect the fact that you're trying to move on from that night and not get stuck in a shame loop or endlessly beating yourself up?

D

Welcome! Glad you found us & wanted to talk about what happened.

I drank for decades. In the end, I was reckless & did out-of-character things. A few in particular horrify me when they pop into my head. I always tell myself that person was not the real me. I'm a quiet, reserved person - the exact opposite of the drunk me. I'm so glad she's gone & never coming back. The only way to keep these things from happening is to kick alcohol out of your life. One drink will almost always lead to disaster. We can't be social drinkers.

I hope you feel better & less anxious by being here. Believe me, we understand just how you feel. This never has to happen again, though. You can get free.

First, I am sending you all the hugs and support that I have from my part of the world.

Second, we cant take away the feelings of shame and embarrassment but those feelings will subside in time. I have done many of things I am not proud of under the influence of alcohol. I felt all sorts of horrible ways about it. I am not those mistakes. I learned from the mistakes, and with sobriety I have not made those types of mistakes again.

Third, You are okay. You will be okay. Sometimes things happen to push us onto the path we are meant to walk. Its not pretty but it is a turning point, and that turning point can change our lives for the better.

I hope your parents are okay. You are doing a wonderful job of caring for them and keeping your head above water. Life is hard and at times it can feel brutal. Do not be defeated. We are here for you. You will get through this time. Sending you light, support, and all the hugs I can give. You can do this.

Merry Christmas!

The present can't change the past but can help shape the future. It's normal to feel ashamed and embarrassed from past actions, use it in the present now to feel happy in the future - but never let it overcome and dictate your life.

'One thing is certain giving up drinking will help. :)

I'm really sorry for what happened. I had blackouts too, towards the end of my drinking days and it still scares me to think about them. Blackouts are really dangerous and you will never remember what happened. What you did was the result of alcoholism and it caused you a huge upset last evening. Have you thought about stopping drinking completely? I don't know if you can repair any of the damage but you can prevent it from ever happening again. You never have to feel like this again. We're here to offer support.

Welcome to your new path to recovery Fx.

A lot of alcoholics and alcohol abusers like myself have had blackouts. Too much alcohol at once can make you and me to become angry and aggressive. I have woken up to a battered body, cut and bruised because of a stupid bar fight I was told.

Just work on being sober first and foremost. Only with a sober mind can you attempt to repair the wreckage of your past.
Post offen and start today to begin rebuilding your life. You can do this.

Gosh, I was expecting to get flamed.
Wow. I am honestly speechless and very teary eyed. I really needed that handhold - more than words can say.

I know that i can't control my drink and I will no longer drink. I actually very rarely do drink because of the blackouts and waking up in bad situations. However when I do have a sip, I can't stop. All or nothing.

To all of you, thank you. This is day one of my journey. I will never allow myself to feel like this again. There isn't much I can do to fix the emotional damage I caused that evening, but you have given me the wisdom and excitement to put drinking down forever. Luckily, i dont rely on it and have gone for extremely long periods without it so its more than doable for me. I have been trying to calm myself down but reading the responses on this thread grounded me so hard. I really can't thank you all enough.

I am sober and I will never lose control or my memories again.

Happy christmas. Your words have changed my evening.

I'm so glad you feel a bit better. I hope you stay around and let us support you. :)

Checking in on you … we have all been there. There Shame will subside. Use it to help you stay sober. Also one of my favorite writers always writes. “You did something bad does not mean you are something bad”. I hope you are feeling a little better.

Your post just reminded me of me, a timely reminder thank you.

I can almost feel how you are feeling now. The absolute horror when the realisation hits. It feels like being in the gutter kicked and abandoned Everybody hating on you, self loathing...

The good news is these feeling will fade and things will get better. The bad news is you will then be tempted to drink again much as right now you don't think you will. Be ready and remember how it ends.

Your boyfriend sounds like a keeper, I'm glad he is looking out for you.

Take gentle care, your not a bad person :hug:

Hi Fxckedit, I too have been through some very embarrassing, completely out of control and drunken incidents that became increasingly frequent the older I got, off the top of my head: wandering around a hotel in central London naked, drunk and lost at 3am, waking up with cigarette burns on my arms, losing my work laptop after a drunken/stoned bender, endless illegible facebook/posts and texts, being an absolute ******* with my partner, etc.

Over time and after agonising, contorted by embarrassment and shame and ruminating endlessly on these events for hours and hours it became clear that all of these are symptoms of the bigger problem (alcoholism). You can stop this but you need to recognise it and admit it to yourself. Right now, stop beating yourself up and have a calm, sober Christmas. Endlessly hating on yourself is not productive and you deserve better.

Your are not alone and you can make it stop x

And you changed my evening with your reply Fxckedit.

Thanks.

And b0glerd's a legend too. :)

I've done so many things I regret while blacked out drunk which was a huge problem for me back in my active drinking days. When I would start to drink I could not control my usage at all. I also 'liked' to drink huge amounts in a short period of time which lead me to being more prone to blackouts than most people. It would lead to countless incidents of me acting like a complete moron.

As bad as that was I have used those incidents as a catalyst for how hard I work to stop my addiction. I would suggest you do the same. Do whatever you can to make sure what happened never happens again and don't ever forget what alcohol did to you that night!

Day 2

I've been forgiven by 4 out of the 5 people that were there. I had some sleep, did a bit of self love and feel more human again.

Sadly this isn't my first rodeo, but I'm not usually nasty and it's usually around people I don't know (at a bar for instance).

I will never do this to myself again. I didn't think I was going to make it through yesterday. But I did. Largely because of the support I found here.

Much love to you all, I hope you all have a magical Christmas.

Hi F-it,
. I'm glad that you're putting it behind you.
Trust me, "self loathing" is my middle name.
I've done some stupid things sober,
When I was drinking they were truly epic.

I've personally been working on trying to get my mindset on the past is the past.
Good or bad, it's over.
Move on live for today, plan for tomorrow.
Don't drink no matter what and these things won't happen again.
if we really think about that, it's very comforting.
Have a Merry sober Christmas! 🎄

I could not stay clean and sober -- and avoid blackouts -- till I fully committed to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Along the way, I've come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic for whom A.A. is the only solution. I have no idea whether you are that type, but I hope you'll keep an open mind about it. As for your current remorse and self-loathing, here's a hopefully helpful set of promises from A.A.'s Big Book:

We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves. Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us - sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.

And thank you for sharing your experience with us. I have a lot to be grateful for these days, but I also have a trail of wrecked relationships behind me -- and I still routinely need to make amends to others when I fall short of being the person God wants me to be. Before I came here and read your post this morning I was reflecting on the following passage from the Big Book: "The alcoholic is like a tornado roaring his way through the lives of others. Hearts are broken. Sweet relationships are dead. Affections have been uprooted. Selfish and inconsiderate habits have kept the home [and other relationships] in turmoil." Thinking about how I might respond helpfully to you led me to the promises I shared above -- and I need to be reminded of them.