Tired
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
Peke, Brene Brown is an amazing woman and a recovering alcoholic. The TED talk that AJ linked to has almost 18 million views. "The Gifts of Imperfection" is my favourite book of hers.
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,962
Originally Posted by Peke
I don’t love myself. And I don’t love myself because my Mom crushed my self esteem. So I hear that negative tape in my head.
It hurts to write that
. That kind of living came close to killing me more times than I care to recall.Thank
Buddha and carrying others that there is a way out of that reached muck of a life I once lived.
Originally Posted by Peke
I don’t know if the therapy was supposed to teach me how to get the negative loop out of my head. Or teach me that I have value as a person?
CBT and DBT are some of the skills (important "recovery tools") I use to combat my current symptoms. My abuse history has no remedy, it is my past and is not relative to my wellness treatments. Just a bunch of rubbish that I have dumped in a deep dark hole. Identify the PTSD symptoms and apply the treatment. That the only thing that matters is what you do now. Everything else is irrelevant. I have to let go of the past so I can hang on to a better life.
Hang in there Peke.
“Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why it's called the present.” ― K. Kruse,
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,356
It’s so much work, Zencat. It’s so much work, I worked to survive my upbringing. I worked to escape from my Mom and to live with my father. Now I have a deficit. And it requires more work. I’m okay with running and doing that kind of work. The DBT is daunting. I have a few books on it. My god trying to to relearn everything. How am I going to do that? How can I possibly relearn how to be normal. All I know how to do is smile. And say yes. Path of least resistance.
I posted this in the December group. A lady was impolite to me today while I volunteered. I’m still sad because of it. I can’t even believe that I’m upset about it still. I feel like I have the worst luck. She was so rude that I was shaking at one point. I was close to tears. I’m 53 yo. What gives? Why me?
Viking and steely, I can’t do another day like today. I am so sad. My husband is here. Now he’s upset with me for being sad about the lady who was impolite to me today at the marathon that I was volunteering at. So I have to SMILE. Just SMILE.
Im sorry guys. Im so sorry for being such a weak link, if you’re a parent, remember to tell your kids that they have merit. That they have value. Im not being glib here. It makes a difference in their lives. It really does. I was a good student. I got great grades, my grad degree is molecular biology. Im not bragging at all. But I have some value here. And yet of course, stupid me gets that reprimanded by the bossy volunteer lady.
I posted this in the December group. A lady was impolite to me today while I volunteered. I’m still sad because of it. I can’t even believe that I’m upset about it still. I feel like I have the worst luck. She was so rude that I was shaking at one point. I was close to tears. I’m 53 yo. What gives? Why me?
Viking and steely, I can’t do another day like today. I am so sad. My husband is here. Now he’s upset with me for being sad about the lady who was impolite to me today at the marathon that I was volunteering at. So I have to SMILE. Just SMILE.
Im sorry guys. Im so sorry for being such a weak link, if you’re a parent, remember to tell your kids that they have merit. That they have value. Im not being glib here. It makes a difference in their lives. It really does. I was a good student. I got great grades, my grad degree is molecular biology. Im not bragging at all. But I have some value here. And yet of course, stupid me gets that reprimanded by the bossy volunteer lady.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Its never too late to be who you want to be Peke.
you can be that strong capable person who knows her own value and who's not affected by other people's rudeness.
Yes it takes work, but so does anything worthwhile, yeah?
D
you can be that strong capable person who knows her own value and who's not affected by other people's rudeness.
Yes it takes work, but so does anything worthwhile, yeah?
D
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,340
Look in the mirror, and say, without laughing or frowning,
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF
yep. Daily. 10 x
TC has a wonderful response, as do all the others.
Take your right hand, and place it on your rib cage below your left armpit, over your heart,
Take your left arm, and cross it over to your right shoulder.
Gently bring your arm into your body, providing that hurt girl inside, the hugs she never got…….🥺
Thats what I do for my inner child. The foster child. The one with the “plain face” and “ugly hands and knees”. The “clutz”.
The frighted 8 year old who stayed awake until her mother passed out to grab a lit cigarette falling to the floor from her mothers hand frequently in time to stop the burning carpet from catching more things on fire. The foster child whose foster parent sexually abused her.
The list goes on. And it doesn’t matter…….
im kind to that inner child now. I don’t want to kill her, she’s already suffered enough
you have too, PL. PUT THE POISON DOWN, let the frightened, angry, self loathing inner child be loved and hugged.
big hugs 🤓🎁
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF”
”I LOVE MYSELF
yep. Daily. 10 x
TC has a wonderful response, as do all the others.
Take your right hand, and place it on your rib cage below your left armpit, over your heart,
Take your left arm, and cross it over to your right shoulder.
Gently bring your arm into your body, providing that hurt girl inside, the hugs she never got…….🥺
Thats what I do for my inner child. The foster child. The one with the “plain face” and “ugly hands and knees”. The “clutz”.
The frighted 8 year old who stayed awake until her mother passed out to grab a lit cigarette falling to the floor from her mothers hand frequently in time to stop the burning carpet from catching more things on fire. The foster child whose foster parent sexually abused her.
The list goes on. And it doesn’t matter…….
im kind to that inner child now. I don’t want to kill her, she’s already suffered enough
you have too, PL. PUT THE POISON DOWN, let the frightened, angry, self loathing inner child be loved and hugged.
big hugs 🤓🎁
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,161
So much strength on this thread.
You people amaze me.
I feel angry yall had to endure that. No child should be treated poorly.
I love Free's post of the inner child and how to treat it. The way you would treat any other child. With kindness and love.
PK you are worth it. Love. Kindness, happiness, all of the good things in life.
There are 2 pages of folks telling you this. Why would they lie? Of course they wouldn't but years of feeling low is hard to reverse so words alone won't cure it. It's gonna take work.
You know who Does lie to you? Yep the ole AV.
In order to do the work you must put down the drink.
You need to be clear headed enough to see a new path.
Continuing down the drunk path will only lead you back where you started. It's an oval. Like a running track. You always end up where you started. Same view, same turns, same thoughts blah blah blah.
Sobriety is a straight path. Where it leads exactly is anyone's guess but the other way, well we know where it goes. Round and round and round and,,,,
The sober path is new, scary, untamed but the farther along we get the more comfortable we become. We start to look around and see things we never saw before. We notice we are not alone on this path. There are many many others here. To guide. To reassure. To hold the light when you are in the dark and feeling lost.
People who care.
We are on that path and calling you. Join us. It is scary stepping into the wilderness of sobriety but you are not alone.
Even if we were I'd rather die alone in this beautiful forest than on that mundane oval out in the open with the AV and the past screaming obscenities at me.
Drop the poison. You Are worth it. I've no reason to lie to you
You people amaze me.
I feel angry yall had to endure that. No child should be treated poorly.
I love Free's post of the inner child and how to treat it. The way you would treat any other child. With kindness and love.
PK you are worth it. Love. Kindness, happiness, all of the good things in life.
There are 2 pages of folks telling you this. Why would they lie? Of course they wouldn't but years of feeling low is hard to reverse so words alone won't cure it. It's gonna take work.
You know who Does lie to you? Yep the ole AV.
In order to do the work you must put down the drink.
You need to be clear headed enough to see a new path.
Continuing down the drunk path will only lead you back where you started. It's an oval. Like a running track. You always end up where you started. Same view, same turns, same thoughts blah blah blah.
Sobriety is a straight path. Where it leads exactly is anyone's guess but the other way, well we know where it goes. Round and round and round and,,,,
The sober path is new, scary, untamed but the farther along we get the more comfortable we become. We start to look around and see things we never saw before. We notice we are not alone on this path. There are many many others here. To guide. To reassure. To hold the light when you are in the dark and feeling lost.
People who care.
We are on that path and calling you. Join us. It is scary stepping into the wilderness of sobriety but you are not alone.
Even if we were I'd rather die alone in this beautiful forest than on that mundane oval out in the open with the AV and the past screaming obscenities at me.
Drop the poison. You Are worth it. I've no reason to lie to you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
Not a weak link, Peke. Not at ALL.
Prior to, and in early sobriety, I had to have a talk with myself. I had little self-esteem, I felt a failure. Was I? No. But the self-talk was pretty harsh- one day when I was chastising myself for something that happened, saying things like "you're such a stupid *&^%*#" and terrible things, I stopped. I realized I would NEVER say such horrible things to another person if they had done a TERRIBLE thing, let alone a silly little thing like I had. I was almost stunned- why did I refer to myself so harshly? And from that day, I swore to work on the negative self-talk. Like others here have said, you are your best friend, and it's time to defend your friend when it's appropriate, as in "Excuse me, volunteer lady, but you may not speak to me in that tone," and "These are my feelings right now, Mr. Peke, I would appreciate if you could respect that I'm upset right now. It will pass." Make a place for you in your own life- there are lines others should not cross- you deserve respect regarding how you feel and how you are treated. We ALL do. The more you do this, the less other people will have so much power over how you feel- because you will come to see that not all people deserve the same amount of say in your emotions. It's ok to think- "I don't care what you think about me because I know I'm good enough."
Because you are. You are working hard and doing the right things- you are quite strong- do you have a list of the good things? If not, make one. Put "resilient" right on top.
Go have a GOOD day. No, have a GREAT day.
Prior to, and in early sobriety, I had to have a talk with myself. I had little self-esteem, I felt a failure. Was I? No. But the self-talk was pretty harsh- one day when I was chastising myself for something that happened, saying things like "you're such a stupid *&^%*#" and terrible things, I stopped. I realized I would NEVER say such horrible things to another person if they had done a TERRIBLE thing, let alone a silly little thing like I had. I was almost stunned- why did I refer to myself so harshly? And from that day, I swore to work on the negative self-talk. Like others here have said, you are your best friend, and it's time to defend your friend when it's appropriate, as in "Excuse me, volunteer lady, but you may not speak to me in that tone," and "These are my feelings right now, Mr. Peke, I would appreciate if you could respect that I'm upset right now. It will pass." Make a place for you in your own life- there are lines others should not cross- you deserve respect regarding how you feel and how you are treated. We ALL do. The more you do this, the less other people will have so much power over how you feel- because you will come to see that not all people deserve the same amount of say in your emotions. It's ok to think- "I don't care what you think about me because I know I'm good enough."
Because you are. You are working hard and doing the right things- you are quite strong- do you have a list of the good things? If not, make one. Put "resilient" right on top.
Go have a GOOD day. No, have a GREAT day.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
Originally Posted by fishkiller 
It is scary stepping into the wilderness of sobriety but you are not alone.
Even if we were I'd rather die alone in this beautiful forest than on that mundane oval out in the open with the AV and the past screaming obscenities at me.
Even if we were I'd rather die alone in this beautiful forest than on that mundane oval out in the open with the AV and the past screaming obscenities at me.
I grew up in West Texas - flat, high desert plains with sweeping, hot winds that brought dust storms through the summers.
I'm picturing addiction like gym class in middle school:
running ridiculous circles around a dusty, dirt track,
sweating under the hot Southern sun,
worrying about what my butt looks like in gym shorts,
deriding myself for being slower than some of the others,
fearing changing my clothes in the locker room,
cursing, exhausted, never enough, and angry
FOREVER
No, thank you.
Give me some dappled sunlight filtering through a forest canopy.
Cold creeks and mossy rocks and bird calls and going 'who knows where'?
See it, Peke! No one wants to be on the Middle School dust track! No one deserves that life!
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Join Date: Apr 2019
Location: Las Vegas, NV
Posts: 580
Originally Posted by Pekelover2
“
You are just having some bumps, love. Normal.
It has been life-changing for me to have the realization that I am DESIGNED to be myself. Unique. It is my purpose to be me. I was not designed to be a well-behaved, dress-up doll who speaks perfect French, never loses my temper, only eats at mealtimes, and loves to teach 3rd Grade Sunday School.
My light is unique. I want to write, read, lead, help, talk, share, cry, rage, understand, teach, change, laugh, walk, march, argue, and grow. I want to run for office. I want to **** some people off. I want to raise boys who value girls for their spirit, not their hair. I want good hair.
I'm talking about myself a lot because I recently fell in love with me, and it's the best relationship I've ever had. You can do it, too. Be warned that I had to get absolutely disgusted with my choices in order to understand what was fundamentally lovable in me. But since that understanding dawned, I have found that loving myself REMOVES my desire to intoxicate myself. I don't need to drown anything out.
It is freedom from my (heretofore) lifelong desire to ESCAPE.
You sound so close to walking out of your cell, PL. You can. It isn't even locked. ”
You are just having some bumps, love. Normal.
It has been life-changing for me to have the realization that I am DESIGNED to be myself. Unique. It is my purpose to be me. I was not designed to be a well-behaved, dress-up doll who speaks perfect French, never loses my temper, only eats at mealtimes, and loves to teach 3rd Grade Sunday School.
My light is unique. I want to write, read, lead, help, talk, share, cry, rage, understand, teach, change, laugh, walk, march, argue, and grow. I want to run for office. I want to **** some people off. I want to raise boys who value girls for their spirit, not their hair. I want good hair.
I'm talking about myself a lot because I recently fell in love with me, and it's the best relationship I've ever had. You can do it, too. Be warned that I had to get absolutely disgusted with my choices in order to understand what was fundamentally lovable in me. But since that understanding dawned, I have found that loving myself REMOVES my desire to intoxicate myself. I don't need to drown anything out.
It is freedom from my (heretofore) lifelong desire to ESCAPE.
You sound so close to walking out of your cell, PL. You can. It isn't even locked. ”
^^^Beautiful ^^^ This^^^ Thank you!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2021
Location: PNW, US
Posts: 3,356
Anna,
I’m doing okay. Feeling like I’m walking on tissue paper mentally. Not sure if that makes sense,
I’ve spent the last hour re- reading all of these replies . I feel like crying all over again because they’re so kind. Idk know how you aren’t all professional therapists. I read what I wrote in my OP and I sound like a spastic five year old.
But your messages were clear. Try to love myself. And try to not drink. (There we’re other messages too! But this is all that I can manage today).
What I can do, in a small way to pay all of your kind ppl back, is to do both of those things.
Thank you for saving my sanity last night.
Today I’m going running with a friend. Then brunch. She’s very kind. Last month she sent me a book called “So Glad You’re Here”. I burst out in tears and wrote her a Ty note. Maybe I deserve it? Maybe. Maybe I’m worth it .
I’m doing okay. Feeling like I’m walking on tissue paper mentally. Not sure if that makes sense,
I’ve spent the last hour re- reading all of these replies . I feel like crying all over again because they’re so kind. Idk know how you aren’t all professional therapists. I read what I wrote in my OP and I sound like a spastic five year old.
But your messages were clear. Try to love myself. And try to not drink. (There we’re other messages too! But this is all that I can manage today).
What I can do, in a small way to pay all of your kind ppl back, is to do both of those things.
Thank you for saving my sanity last night.
Today I’m going running with a friend. Then brunch. She’s very kind. Last month she sent me a book called “So Glad You’re Here”. I burst out in tears and wrote her a Ty note. Maybe I deserve it? Maybe. Maybe I’m worth it .
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,340
YODA. “There is no ‘try’. There is only “do”.
Do NOT drink. Now. And now. And now.
Each time you listen, AND act, on that addiction, it gets stronger.
You deserve better. You husband does, and those little dogs do. If you can’t do it for you, that hurt little girl, do it for them. Or nature. Or to have a junk drawer cleaned.
Initially, yes, it’s miserable. The benefits come down the road. Really.
Do NOT drink. Now. And now. And now.
Each time you listen, AND act, on that addiction, it gets stronger.
You deserve better. You husband does, and those little dogs do. If you can’t do it for you, that hurt little girl, do it for them. Or nature. Or to have a junk drawer cleaned.
Initially, yes, it’s miserable. The benefits come down the road. Really.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,340
Do NOT drink at the brunch.
Visualize saying, “no, just OJ plain for me, I’m…….(fill in the blank…—I’m sick of drinking, I’m cutting calories, it brings me too much anxiety, I’m taking a break——.rehearse it, believe it, and envision you’ll be soooo effing happy you didn’t drink alcohol)
Visualize saying, “no, just OJ plain for me, I’m…….(fill in the blank…—I’m sick of drinking, I’m cutting calories, it brings me too much anxiety, I’m taking a break——.rehearse it, believe it, and envision you’ll be soooo effing happy you didn’t drink alcohol)
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