Pekelover2

Someone asked me his question:


“ Do you think the negativity that emerges when you drink is because it is suppressed in your everyday life? I don’t know the answers, but I don’t believe that poison brings out the truth in us. I think it brings out what we hide.”

I think that I’m not necessarily angry with others. But frustrated with my own short comings. Because I grew up with an abusive mother. Who never said a kind thing to me. And now I have to do extra to feel like I’m worthwhile of love. If someone volunteers for two hours tomorrow, I had better do six hours. If someone buys me a flower, I’ll send them back a dozen. Because I’m not worth it. I’m not enough. That ‘s why I’m frustrated. I see some of my friends gush over mutual friends. And I feel like I’ve been a better friend . And I get less. And it’s not in my head. I feel like they don’t gush about me the way I think that they should. Idk. That must sounds awful. But I’m a good friend. I’d want to be friends with me. I really mean that.

And, in true form, I end up poo-pooing all over the one relationship that does bring me joy, respect and love. The one with my husband. So now he’s in the guest bedroom, upset we me. He’s hurt and angry. While all last night I was worrying about someone not liking one of my Facebook posts. And I ignored him. Good job PL.



Come on Peke. You’re 53 years old. WTH?

I want to say something. Yes, I was abused as a kid. But so what? Yes. I went to therapy. Yes, I talked it out. I said everything to the therapist about the abuse!!. I have nothing left to say about it. I’m bringing it up because I can’t stop drinking because I don’t love myself. And I don’t love myself because my Mom crushed my self esteem. So I hear that negative tape in my head. I don’t know if the therapy was supposed to teach me how to get the negative loop out of my head. Or teach me that I have value as a person? On paper I look good. But in my soul, I’m fighting to be of some value and of some worth. To be enough. I am not the smartest, the prettiest or the fastest. But I am enough. I’m so tired of trying to prove that to everyone else. I’m so tired of being worried about offending someone. I’m so tired of feeling like a fraud. And I’m so tired of being in ths kind of pain.

I think one reason that I was so cross with my husband. Is because I’m so envious of him. He had the perfect upbringing. There are tons of pictures from his childhood. Tons. I feel like I lived it with him. That’s how much he talks about it. Truly, it was perfect. He doesn’t have all th crummy baggage that I have. I barely can handle situations. I have one card up my sleeve! Smile . That’s it. If you ask my to do something, I just smile. Ppl don’t respect me. Because I don’t respect myself.

So how do I relearn everything? How do I relearn how to be a normal person? Since the person who raised me was so off-kilter? My bf helps me a lot. If I’m in a situation and I don’t know how to handle it, she’ll help me. And she always bolsters my self-esteem. I don’t know what I’d do with out her. I’m just not making much progress.

No one on their death bed ever said “I wish that I worried more about what ppl thought of me.”. ..
Or “I wish that I’d drank more”

The ppl whom I admire don’t care. (I mean they care about people, but you know what I mean. They respect themselves and their values). They don’t worry about who other ppl think.


Maybe tomorrow will be better. I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to know. I’m not suicidal. Just sad. I’m tired of trying. I wish I’d had a normal upbringing. Not perfect. But just something that resembled normal. Anything.

Thank you for listening. I posted this in the December group. I posted it twice because it felt good to read it in black and white.

least

It's hard to get over things that happened to us as children. Not impossible, but hard. And if you have little else to bolster your self esteem, it becomes harder to love yourself. The only advice I can give is to treat yourself like you would a good friend. You wouldn't tell a good friend that she was unworthy, would you?

I hope you can come to the realization that you are good enough, you are smart enough, and you are enough! Can you talk with your husband about what you've posted here? I hope you can come to some semblance of self respect and realize that YOU ARE IMPORTANT! You! The world wouldn't be the same without you.

Pekelover2

Gosh Least. Thank you. I needed to read that right now.

Anna

Peke, you know I relate very much to your story. I had an emotionally and physically abusive upbringing by my mother. When I was about 20, I thought I should just get over it, that I should just be able to say, okay that was a mess but I can move on. I couldn't move on. And, then I blamed myself for not trying hard enough. My advice/suggestion is to recognize that you need to love yourself now, exactly as you are. You don't need to be a better friend, a better volunteer or a better anything. Yes, of course you should continue to grow, but do that with a firm base of love for yourself just as you are today.

advbike

I'm sorry you're struggling, PL. I know you've been through a lot in the past year and I think you need to give yourself more credit for holding up so well under the weight of all that. You are a very good person! Treat yourself like you would a good friend. It is also stressful to quit drinking - especially in the early days. It's a struggle. As a smart person oriented to solving problems, you want to figure out all the why's.. but a lot of it is just because you are in the early part of recovery, when many people struggle with heightened feelings and emotions. I can tell you from experience that when we get more time, a lot of the mood disturbances and mental perturbations will naturally diminish. And some of the other stuff just won't matter because you will be happier.

Lastly, another way some people gain a lot of peace and serenity is by attending 12 step programs like AA. I have known several people who found contentment and inner peace from it. It's more of a spiritual solution than a scientific approach, and bypasses a lot of the analysis and mental gyrations that we analytical types can get wrapped around the axle on. I speak from personal experience here

Pekelover2

Thank you so much Anna.
Thank you so much Advbike.

Very grateful for those kind words.

Pekelover2

Treat myself like a good friend. Why am I just learning this now, lol.

Thank you everyone.

least

Yes! Be your own best friend.

Dee74

D

Steely

Like Anna, I can relate Peke. Abuse as a child. Shattered self esteem.

I'm trying to learn the things you are learning Peke. And each day I spend in sobriety the closer I come to the prize.

The prize is ours Peke. Let's go for it bigtime!

Gently does it.

Pekelover2

Thank you Dee, and Steely. It means a lot to me that you replied.

When’d does life become fun? I’m tired of this drama. I wish I had a set of instructions here with me.
Be my own best friend. Okay. I’ve got nothing to lose now.

AJ143143

I can relate to almost every word.... you are not alone.... Have you listened to anything on Brene Brown.... It helped me a lot with these things. She talks about shame and vulnerability....

Pekelover2

Hi AJ…
I’ve not heard of Berne Brown, I will look them up. Thank you very much.

AJ143143

Here is a good one

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brow...me?language=en

ToughChoices

Peke, I just want to say that I absolutely identify with your struggle.

Sometimes I lean back and look at the pain of my past, my part in it, my inability to overcome it in the way that I desire, and I just think, "Ugh. What is wrong with me?"

And the answer is: Just life. Just all of it. I'm just a human being human. Surrounded by others doing the same.

I love this quote:
“We weren’t born distrusting and fearing ourselves. That was part of our taming. We were taught to believe that who we are in our natural state is bad and dangerous. They convinced us to be afraid of ourselves. So we do not honor our own bodies, curiosity, hunger, judgment, experience, or ambition. Instead, we lock away our true selves. Women who are best at this disappearing act earn the highest praise: She is so selfless. Can you imagine? The epitome of womanhood is to lose one’s self completely. That is the end goal of every patriarchal culture. Because a very effective way to control women is to convince women to control themselves.”
-Glennon Doyle, Untamed

I absolutely grew up with the notion that my highest achievement would be to disappear in service to my family, job, community, and church. I would be worthy if I was silent and easy and smiling and constantly kind.

Exhausting. Injurious. Dare I say, Addiction-inducing?

Especially if, because of life, you have some baggage about your overall worth. Someone who's told they are worthless for decades, then is also tacitly instructed to disappear for the betterment of society, is going to have a bumpy ride sorting out their God-given value.

You are just having some bumps, love. Normal.

It has been life-changing for me to have the realization that I am DESIGNED to be myself. Unique. It is my purpose to be me. I was not designed to be a well-behaved, dress-up doll who speaks perfect French, never loses my temper, only eats at mealtimes, and loves to teach 3rd Grade Sunday School.

My light is unique. I want to write, read, lead, help, talk, share, cry, rage, understand, teach, change, laugh, walk, march, argue, and grow. I want to run for office. I want to **** some people off. I want to raise boys who value girls for their spirit, not their hair. I want good hair.

I'm talking about myself a lot because I recently fell in love with me, and it's the best relationship I've ever had. You can do it, too. Be warned that I had to get absolutely disgusted with my choices in order to understand what was fundamentally lovable in me. But since that understanding dawned, I have found that loving myself REMOVES my desire to intoxicate myself. I don't need to drown anything out.

It is freedom from my (heretofore) lifelong desire to ESCAPE.

You sound so close to walking out of your cell, PL. You can. It isn't even locked.

Much love.
-TC

Pekelover2

“ I'm talking about myself a lot because I recently fell in love with me, and it's the best relationship I've ever had. You can do it, too. Be warned that I had to get absolutely disgusted with my choices in order to understand what was fundamentally lovable in me. But since that understanding dawned, I have found that loving myself REMOVES my desire to intoxicate myself. I don't need to drown anything out.

It is freedom from my (heretofore) lifelong desire to ESCAPE.

You sound so close to walking out of your cell, PL. You can. It isn't even locked. ”

Thank you so much!!! I’m really moved by what you wrote, TC. I am inspired. I can’t even utter some of it (as if it were me speaking). I feel like I deserve nothing in life. I don’t even like myself enough to care sometimes. I will try though. I know it feels like work. But I have to try.

ToughChoices

What would make you deserving?
What would make you like yourself?

least

PL, do an emotional exercise. Every day find at least five things/traits/talents about or within you, that you are grateful to have. . Try it. Like if you let someone pull out of a parking lot or driveway to get in the line of traffic. That's a cool thing to do and it makes the other driver happy. Just little things like that. When I do things like that, I like myself. . I feel like my little gestures or actions help to make the world a better place, at least, my little corner of the world.

Try it.

AAPJ

PL - Wow. I hope you push through this. A lot of really good posts here. I learned in an AA meeting the concept of comparing my insides to other peoples outsides. We never win this game. I hope you find this article helpful. Have a great day.

Comparing Our Insides to Other People’s Outsides | Lyra Health

VikingGF

You can find your way through all this, Peke, but not while drinking.

When you look outside of yourself for acceptance and validation, you set yourself up for a big fall- the only one who has to be happy with you, is you. Once that starts happening, you seriously become a stronger person. Relying on others to validate us as "good" or "worthy" is a true timewaster. The only one you need to prove anything to is YOU. Comparing your load of rocks to someone else's is also fruitless- you can never know what another person bears. Focusing on ourselves and truly trying to do the best we can is the only way through any of it, and to do the best for us, we cannot drink. You have come so far, and through so much since you started this journey. Don't continue to punish yourself by drinking. Give yourself a break and work on your gratitude list, every night. I'll bet you'll find you have plenty to be grateful for. Focus on that, not on what's missing- because moving forward is the only way to get better. You are soooo close. I feel it. The next time you want to drink- come here immediately and ask for help.