Am I being to sensitive?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 2,279
Am I being to sensitive?
I'm on day 62 and my partner isn't drinking either to support me, he is a drinker too but not a daily drinker, he can quite happily have a couple of beers or no beers and be fine but can very happily binge drink if the occasion is there.
He has 4 or 5 times now made a point of telling his family and others that I'm not drinking when I never would've brought this up with them myself, he tells them how long I've not been drinking for and then I have to have an uncomfortable conversation about it and it shines a light on my drinking often in a situation that others are drinking in and I'm trying not to drink in..
I feel embarrassed and also feel like the control of this is being taken away from me as I feel its my story.
Am I being too sensitive?
Also I'm not sure how to talk to my partner about it or whether I should..
He has 4 or 5 times now made a point of telling his family and others that I'm not drinking when I never would've brought this up with them myself, he tells them how long I've not been drinking for and then I have to have an uncomfortable conversation about it and it shines a light on my drinking often in a situation that others are drinking in and I'm trying not to drink in..
I feel embarrassed and also feel like the control of this is being taken away from me as I feel its my story.
Am I being too sensitive?
Also I'm not sure how to talk to my partner about it or whether I should..
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,460
I think it’s your place to talk about it, or not.
If you’re reluctant to bring it up for fear of argument etc, fair enough, but I feel it’s going to keep happening unless you say something?
D
If you’re reluctant to bring it up for fear of argument etc, fair enough, but I feel it’s going to keep happening unless you say something?
D
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 173
Hi red,
my wife did similar, still does every now and again, it used to make me livid… I mean I thought I was hiding my addictions successfully from the world and here she was blurting it out to all and sundry.
we did have a chat about it..it turns out she was just really happy and very proud of me..she didn’t realise the shame I was internalising and the daily commitment and a life long decision quitting entails, as a non abuser of alcohol why would she.
we talk more now and it helps a lot
my wife did similar, still does every now and again, it used to make me livid… I mean I thought I was hiding my addictions successfully from the world and here she was blurting it out to all and sundry.
we did have a chat about it..it turns out she was just really happy and very proud of me..she didn’t realise the shame I was internalising and the daily commitment and a life long decision quitting entails, as a non abuser of alcohol why would she.
we talk more now and it helps a lot
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 2,601
I would be furious. It's your business an up to you who when and if you decide to tell.
The conversation with your partner may be difficult but I think necessary. It's about respect and boundaries imo.
Youre not being over sensitive. If it bothers you it's important. Your feelings are valid and important.
The conversation with your partner may be difficult but I think necessary. It's about respect and boundaries imo.
Youre not being over sensitive. If it bothers you it's important. Your feelings are valid and important.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Hi Red,
I think there’s no such thing as too sensitive, and if you want that to stop happening you could just say it nicely to your partner to not mention it to others as you don’t like talking about it.
That said….
Although maybe not the easiest choice, this situation is your truth, and there’s something liberating about owning up to it, which can be positive to recovery.
Choice is yours and there’s no right or wrong though, so I’d go with whatever you feel would be best for your sobriety and well-being at the moment.
I think there’s no such thing as too sensitive, and if you want that to stop happening you could just say it nicely to your partner to not mention it to others as you don’t like talking about it.
That said….
Although maybe not the easiest choice, this situation is your truth, and there’s something liberating about owning up to it, which can be positive to recovery.
Choice is yours and there’s no right or wrong though, so I’d go with whatever you feel would be best for your sobriety and well-being at the moment.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Your truth is yours to share with the world. I do not think you are being "too sensitive." This term "too sensitive" disregards feelings that a person has.
It is not your partners job to tell others what you are doing. I would put a boundary in place in a respectful manner. Something along the lines of "I am not ready to share with people that I have quit using alcohol. Would you mind keeping this with you? I am still feeling my way through and would like to share in my own time."
To be honest, Ill have two years in a few weeks and I still do not talk about my sobriety with many people. Its not anyone's business what I do or don't do. Some things are mine to own and to keep to myself. If I feel like sharing then I will share but for the most part, I dont feel like I need to talk about it at all.
It is not your partners job to tell others what you are doing. I would put a boundary in place in a respectful manner. Something along the lines of "I am not ready to share with people that I have quit using alcohol. Would you mind keeping this with you? I am still feeling my way through and would like to share in my own time."
To be honest, Ill have two years in a few weeks and I still do not talk about my sobriety with many people. Its not anyone's business what I do or don't do. Some things are mine to own and to keep to myself. If I feel like sharing then I will share but for the most part, I dont feel like I need to talk about it at all.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,162
If it bothers you have a conversation about it.
I'm sure he's doing it because he is proud of your choice and the work you are doing.
I'm sure his intent is not to embarras you.
A few months ago someone set a beer in front of me at a gathering. My wife jumped up and said Don't give that to him!
I felt a little embarrassed, like she was babysitting me.
I calmly said, I am OK babe, and told the person no thank you.
No other conversation necessary and noone asked.
Talk to him.
Keep doing the Work
Eventually everyone will know you are a non drinker and these conversations will be a thing of the past.
I'm sure he's doing it because he is proud of your choice and the work you are doing.
I'm sure his intent is not to embarras you.
A few months ago someone set a beer in front of me at a gathering. My wife jumped up and said Don't give that to him!
I felt a little embarrassed, like she was babysitting me.
I calmly said, I am OK babe, and told the person no thank you.
No other conversation necessary and noone asked.
Talk to him.
Keep doing the Work
Eventually everyone will know you are a non drinker and these conversations will be a thing of the past.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,162
Re reading your post you say it happens mainly in drinking situations so I think he may be protecting you in his own way.
Letting others know to back off the offers of alcohol and letting you know he is proud at the same time.
Folks, especially us men, don't always know how sensitive some subjects are for others.
Let him know.
Letting others know to back off the offers of alcohol and letting you know he is proud at the same time.
Folks, especially us men, don't always know how sensitive some subjects are for others.
Let him know.
Member
Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,345
Red, you brought this up not too long ago.
Ive learned that we instruct people how to treat us by what we tolerate, whether that be words, tone, and/or actions.
Boundaries are for you, they protect you.
Since your partner doesn’t know the pain it is causing, you need to be firm, tell some to him, not all.
”Honey, this has happened a few times, where you spoke FOR me, in FRONT of me, to friends and relatives about my very private decision not to drink. First, that’s MY privilege to choose to tell, NOT yours.” “ I thought it was understood by you that it is MY choice to tell in words (yes, I know some might notice my actions), but it’s obvious to me after last night we need this conversation.”
”I’m not sure what the motive is why you’ve done that, but to keep our relationship honest, I need to be clear that I will be exercising that privilege, whether you understand my position at this time or not.”
”Please acknowledge this is something you understand “
”Thanks for listening, —————., and understanding. It means a lot”
Ive learned that we instruct people how to treat us by what we tolerate, whether that be words, tone, and/or actions.
Boundaries are for you, they protect you.
Since your partner doesn’t know the pain it is causing, you need to be firm, tell some to him, not all.
”Honey, this has happened a few times, where you spoke FOR me, in FRONT of me, to friends and relatives about my very private decision not to drink. First, that’s MY privilege to choose to tell, NOT yours.” “ I thought it was understood by you that it is MY choice to tell in words (yes, I know some might notice my actions), but it’s obvious to me after last night we need this conversation.”
”I’m not sure what the motive is why you’ve done that, but to keep our relationship honest, I need to be clear that I will be exercising that privilege, whether you understand my position at this time or not.”
”Please acknowledge this is something you understand “
”Thanks for listening, —————., and understanding. It means a lot”
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,172
I have no idea where the line is when one becomes too sensitive. I've been told that too many times in my life that I've become sensitive when someone says I'm too sensitive. To me, the very comment is rude and insensitive. Basically, someone is telling you, they don't approve of who you are.
But that's not the problem right now is it? The problem is you that you have to figure out what an appropriate response would be, and there are probably many, and some of them vary according to the group you happen to be with at the time. Most of the time, people don't care if you don't drink. It's probably a bigger deal for your partner than it is for you or anyone else. You are simply a person who doesn't drink, and one thing I learned after I got sober is that there are a vast number of people that don't drink, and most of them aren't even alcoholics. We are people who don't drink, and our numbers are such that it requires no explanation.
But that's not the problem right now is it? The problem is you that you have to figure out what an appropriate response would be, and there are probably many, and some of them vary according to the group you happen to be with at the time. Most of the time, people don't care if you don't drink. It's probably a bigger deal for your partner than it is for you or anyone else. You are simply a person who doesn't drink, and one thing I learned after I got sober is that there are a vast number of people that don't drink, and most of them aren't even alcoholics. We are people who don't drink, and our numbers are such that it requires no explanation.
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Join Date: Dec 2021
Location: Canada
Posts: 400
Originally Posted by Red78 
Also I'm not sure how to talk to my partner about it or whether I should..
My wife and I try our best talk to each other about anything that bothers us, with respect and love. Mostly that works, but there have been times when we've not done so well too
. Not doing that definitely causes resentment that just makes things worse over time. In the 20+ years we've been together we have both said to the other something along the line of 'please don't discuss that about me with people again' at least a few times. We've always come to an amiable solution to these issues.I do not think you are being too sensitive. You have every right to feel the way you feel about this. But if you don't communicate this to him he can not understand how you feel about it. How to do it depends on how you guys communicate. He doesn't see it the same as you do and if you explain it to him in a respectful, open and honest manor, he will get it. My opinion is he is really proud of you and just wants everyone to know how well you're doing. Whatever the case, for me communication is the solution here.
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
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Red - Regardless of why he brings it up, I don't think he should do it. Unless he assumes you want people to know, which probably isn't the case.
No, you aren't being overly sensitive. It's way too personal a subject to mention to others without your permission.
No, you aren't being overly sensitive. It's way too personal a subject to mention to others without your permission.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Uk
Posts: 164
I agree with everyone else’s comments. It is for you to tell people and you alone.
however, I agree with fishkiller he probably hasn’t understood this from your perspective. Just choose the right moment and explain it to him. I’m sure he will understand
however, I agree with fishkiller he probably hasn’t understood this from your perspective. Just choose the right moment and explain it to him. I’m sure he will understand
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Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: German Village, Columbus with my love ♥
Posts: 88,527
Red honey, just saw this. 
s ❤️
For me, the red flag is that you are asking about this rather than standing up for yourself. That is not like you.
Do you think that maybe, on some level, you are grateful? Perhaps you see that he is trying to help.
Maybe a little embarrassed is better than being at risk.
Sounds like your guy is pulling out all the stops to support you. xx
s ❤️For me, the red flag is that you are asking about this rather than standing up for yourself. That is not like you.
Do you think that maybe, on some level, you are grateful? Perhaps you see that he is trying to help.
Maybe a little embarrassed is better than being at risk.
Sounds like your guy is pulling out all the stops to support you.
xx Member
Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32,382
Originally Posted by Hevyn
Red - Regardless of why he brings it up, I don't think he should do it. Unless he assumes you want people to know, which probably isn't the case.
No, you aren't being overly sensitive. It's way too personal a subject to mention to others without your permission.
No, you aren't being overly sensitive. It's way too personal a subject to mention to others without your permission.
If anyone else brings it up in future, you might say briskly, "Oh, let's not talk about me" with a nice smile;
and maybe have a new topic to divert the conversation straight away, e.g. "What interesting paint on the ceiling..."
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2016
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 2,279
Thank you for all your replies.. My feelings have always been downplayed and I'm scared to say something about it. We don't have healthy communication, he can communicate how he feels but as soon as I do im invalidated and told I need to change my mindset and my feelings are sometimes used against me so I don't tend to communicate openly and honestly.
I will see how tonight goes as we are going to his dad's for dinner and drinks and he told them that I'm not drinking so we won't be staying long, which is no danger for me..
I will see how tonight goes as we are going to his dad's for dinner and drinks and he told them that I'm not drinking so we won't be staying long, which is no danger for me..
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,520
Gosh, Red, I so wouldn't appreciate a comment like your husband made to an invitation from my in-laws. I know how hard communication can be, but you should feel like you have an equal voice in your relationship. Have you considered couples counselling?
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