One year down, all the rest to go.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
Day 408 and I have no plans today. It is pretty much the first day when I have sat and thought that was a positive thing- I have become accustomed to having something to do each day- especially on weekends, since that last day 1 in August 2021, and on the work-free days when I didn't have plans, I wouldn't say I felt panicked- but there was, for lack of a better term- uneasiness. While I was not concerned I would drink, there was that discord in being free to do whatever I wanted, because in the Bad Old Days, we know where that led. Actually, I relished those empty days- so I was free to disappear off the grid, away from my friends, my responsibilities, my freaking LIFE, for days at a time, popping up at the end a mere shaky version of myself. I have not felt blessed by a free day in a long, long time, but the feeling arrived this morning as I poured my coffee and looked out at my little garden- for the first time not dead from neglect in 10 years, ticked off some things to do around the house and then sat down to reflect on how much has changed since last September. I have this odd sense of balance now, I have never felt this before- ever. I don't always feel fantastic (who does?) but sadness and frustration are not things to run from anymore, they are teachers. I'm working on being better- trying to see myself more honestly- am I too judgmental or self-absorbed, do I let people know how much they mean to me, do I let them in? I hope I'm getting better on the inside; time will tell.
I ran into an old coworker in a coffee shop yesterday- and after chatting a few minutes she said- Oh, we should meet for dinner- we can drink WINE! and her eyes got big and she sounded so excited. It just came out- and I sounded quite proud of myself- "I don't drink- I'm sober" and I'm not sure who was more surprised. I wish I hadn't reacted like that, I sure won't next time- but it just came out of me- I guess my inner self had a reason for it. I never want to make someone else feel bad or act like I'm in any way better- I don't feel that way- I'm the one who can't drink normally, after all.
Still so grateful for this place, all of you and every day sober. Ever vigilant, ever aware that this is job one and that will never change.
Onward.
I ran into an old coworker in a coffee shop yesterday- and after chatting a few minutes she said- Oh, we should meet for dinner- we can drink WINE! and her eyes got big and she sounded so excited. It just came out- and I sounded quite proud of myself- "I don't drink- I'm sober" and I'm not sure who was more surprised. I wish I hadn't reacted like that, I sure won't next time- but it just came out of me- I guess my inner self had a reason for it. I never want to make someone else feel bad or act like I'm in any way better- I don't feel that way- I'm the one who can't drink normally, after all.
Still so grateful for this place, all of you and every day sober. Ever vigilant, ever aware that this is job one and that will never change.
Onward.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 278
Congrats, VikingGF! 408 is a wonderful number. I hope things go well with your friend. If it's a true friend, you won't have any trouble connecting without the wine.
I'm not one to announce to anyone that I'm sober. That's just my style. Most people didn't really know I was a big drinker, so when I go for the sparking water now, or a coffee, or nothing at all, they don't care and just see me as myself, doing my thing.
I had one big drinking friend, and we parted ways before I got sober, when she moved away for work. If she were to come back, I'd probably have to make a kind of sober declaration... but with other people, "no thank you" does the trick. Just thinking and reflecting. This is not really meant as advice.
Congrats again on 408, what a neat number.
I'm not one to announce to anyone that I'm sober. That's just my style. Most people didn't really know I was a big drinker, so when I go for the sparking water now, or a coffee, or nothing at all, they don't care and just see me as myself, doing my thing.
I had one big drinking friend, and we parted ways before I got sober, when she moved away for work. If she were to come back, I'd probably have to make a kind of sober declaration... but with other people, "no thank you" does the trick. Just thinking and reflecting. This is not really meant as advice.
Congrats again on 408, what a neat number.
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Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,340
Awesome work, and awesome FREE TO CHOOSE day!!!
when our friends say “come over for cocktails”, I say “sure, let’s do it”, meaning the three of them (that couple and my hubby have alcohol), and they have something bubbly non alcohol for me. We enjoy appetizers and laughs. Those are friends that we know.
For others, like on this giant trip, I went to the cocktail parties before dinner and asked the bartender what I could have non alcohol
The only time on the trip I had to make a point was at the announcement of champagne toast after the balloon ride as a compulsory tradition, and in front of the crowd, I stated “please make sure to have something for those of us who don’t drink”. And they DID, and three other people benefited from my speaking up as well.
Its a wonderful feeling, isn’t it? It comes out so easily now.
It’s who we are, unashamedly and without judging others 🤓❤️
when our friends say “come over for cocktails”, I say “sure, let’s do it”, meaning the three of them (that couple and my hubby have alcohol), and they have something bubbly non alcohol for me. We enjoy appetizers and laughs. Those are friends that we know.
For others, like on this giant trip, I went to the cocktail parties before dinner and asked the bartender what I could have non alcohol
The only time on the trip I had to make a point was at the announcement of champagne toast after the balloon ride as a compulsory tradition, and in front of the crowd, I stated “please make sure to have something for those of us who don’t drink”. And they DID, and three other people benefited from my speaking up as well.
Its a wonderful feeling, isn’t it? It comes out so easily now.
It’s who we are, unashamedly and without judging others 🤓❤️
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
I was asked to meet up for "drinks" by yet another old coworker- I said, "Yes, lets!" and I will be drinking my usual non-alcoholic beverage. This is my usual response- it feels fine- but like you say, Free, I get to CHOOSE what I do and what I say- what a refreshing change.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
509 today.
I remember the "first time" I got any real sober time was in 2014. A few months, I guess- I stopped counting days early on because "I didn't have to- I'm never drinking again." Yea, right. I knew everything already- after all, I grew up around alcoholics and I had never seen even one of them stop for any amount of time, so if I could stop for a few weeks, I must be all better, right? It took me falling down so many times because I just could not see the real answer- I was NOT in control of anything until I admitted true defeat to alcohol- and made the decision to never drink again. I still believed the lies, the allure, the deep voice of the Beast when it told me I could have a drink and just stop later. Lies. It took me 7 years to wake up and listen. 7. Years. I guess I can look at it as not being ready or it wasn't my time- but it was pride and hubris- my own inability to admit I didn't know everything that caused me to waste those years- stagnating in a holding pattern- stuck in a terrible Groundhog Day of drinking, blacking out and waking up to do it all over again. No Bill Murray. Just me, barely keeping things together and each day getting closer to the point of no return, being found out, hurting someone or dying. Endless fear and regret. I still get a chill thinking about it.
It is important to me that I remember all of this and put it down so I can see it. Maybe it will help someone else- but it's really here for me- never forget what my life was, how hollow and empty of any real joy. I don't want to forget and think that the person I am today just showed up- I worked hard to get to this place- only 509 days- but still- beyond anything I could have imagined only 2 years ago. I don't take the future for granted, but I know how unlikely it is I will drink- as long as I remember.
I remember the "first time" I got any real sober time was in 2014. A few months, I guess- I stopped counting days early on because "I didn't have to- I'm never drinking again." Yea, right. I knew everything already- after all, I grew up around alcoholics and I had never seen even one of them stop for any amount of time, so if I could stop for a few weeks, I must be all better, right? It took me falling down so many times because I just could not see the real answer- I was NOT in control of anything until I admitted true defeat to alcohol- and made the decision to never drink again. I still believed the lies, the allure, the deep voice of the Beast when it told me I could have a drink and just stop later. Lies. It took me 7 years to wake up and listen. 7. Years. I guess I can look at it as not being ready or it wasn't my time- but it was pride and hubris- my own inability to admit I didn't know everything that caused me to waste those years- stagnating in a holding pattern- stuck in a terrible Groundhog Day of drinking, blacking out and waking up to do it all over again. No Bill Murray. Just me, barely keeping things together and each day getting closer to the point of no return, being found out, hurting someone or dying. Endless fear and regret. I still get a chill thinking about it.
It is important to me that I remember all of this and put it down so I can see it. Maybe it will help someone else- but it's really here for me- never forget what my life was, how hollow and empty of any real joy. I don't want to forget and think that the person I am today just showed up- I worked hard to get to this place- only 509 days- but still- beyond anything I could have imagined only 2 years ago. I don't take the future for granted, but I know how unlikely it is I will drink- as long as I remember.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 1,121
Great post Viking! Admitting true defeat and accepting that I had no control was the hardest thing for me as well. And, like you, I floundered for many, many years. Wasted time, sure. But it got us where we are today, and we appreciate what we have now. We can look back and remember, but we'll never go back. I'm so happy for you. Excited for what the future holds.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
I had a couple of periods of sobriety lasting months in my drinking, but they were always periods of sobriety brought on by factors other than needing to quit. When the time came, I would start out by really tying one on and feeling miserable for days, but I kept on drinking in the misery until I acclimated to being drunk and miserable again.
But in those periods of sobriety, I never once gave any thought to quitting. Was I an alcoholic back then? I don't know. Going without seemed easy enough, but eventually it was not easy and over the years I found new lower levels of misery, and then came a time when going without for one day was intolerable. I had finally made it to full blown alcoholism, and it was horrible. I had done that to myself, not out of wanton disregard, but through ignorance and denial.
But in those periods of sobriety, I never once gave any thought to quitting. Was I an alcoholic back then? I don't know. Going without seemed easy enough, but eventually it was not easy and over the years I found new lower levels of misery, and then came a time when going without for one day was intolerable. I had finally made it to full blown alcoholism, and it was horrible. I had done that to myself, not out of wanton disregard, but through ignorance and denial.
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