kes

Thanks guys for the replies. Appreciated
I attend AA meetings twice a week and I'm doing the steps with a sponsor. i know that I can't drink like "Normal" people and that one drink will lead to crazy, insane drinking but it keeps nagging at me.

I was offered a place, for 3 months, in a residential rehab but have two beautiful English Bulldogs so wasn't able to take the opportunity. Instead I have a key worker that rings me once a week for 20mins which to be fair isn't good as I need far more support. I have never been so bored in trying to fill this black hole thats around me. Still an hour at a time today, that's even on day 55. When will it end I wonder?

The Buddha said - The wisest of men makes mistakes, the fool makes the same mistakes.

Hence I can't go back to where I was otherwise it's kerplunk!! The show will be over as I can't go through the madness again. Thanks again folks. today is a tough day

Hodd

The tension’s clear in your post, kes. Sorry today is a rough one. You asked if it’ll get better. 100% guaranteed, but you were drinking a lot for presumably a number of years. It’ll take time. You will kick yourself so hard if you take that one drink after 55 days and all the brilliant stuff you’ve just mention. In a few months, you will 100% be looking back with that famous cup of tea we Brits bang on about and be glad you didn’t take that drink.

Start thinking first thing tomorrow about new activities, but for today, drink water, eat ice cream, chocolate or whatever sugary cr*p to tick this rough day off.

kes

Thanks,
I'm not sure if we're allowed to mention amounts on this site? But yes I have been drinking heavily for 20+ years. Over the last 3 years, 50 units per day as an average. TBH I'm surprised I'm still here, and my body is recovering quickly according to blood results. I have a lot to be thankful for.

If I could turn the clock back to when I was 14, I would never have touched that can of special brew before the school disco. From day one I loved it. The last day I drank before detox, I despised it, but was powerless to it's control. As I said, best friend to worst enemy - ring any bells?

Hodd

We all want to turn the clock back, kes. My marriage didn’t make it largely because of my drinking, but to blow my own trumpet a bit, I reckon I’m now happy with the person I’ve become. That’s what you should be thinking about, the future

Khorhey

Wow that is a lot. Good thing you went to detox. But you are past that now. 60 days is a huge accomplishment. From where you were. I did 60 days last year and felt great. I regret so much going back to the hell of alcoholism. And it started with one drink

Hevyn

Kes - I think the fact that you're totally honest about it is going to really help you heal. Admitting you were a bit smug, then finding out you didn't have it nailed after all - that's valuable knowledge to have. You're learning & growing as you come out of a really scary time. I had to do the same - and reading the comments here comforted me & made me feel less alone. No one else in my life understood what I was going through. I even had a friend say, 'Well, you can have a drink now & then - just don't overdo it'! Um, no I can't! Those who don't have the dependency are likely never going to be able to relate.

Just before I quit, I was desperate to try anything to be able to hold on to it. Surely I could be a social drinker if I tried hard enough. One night I bought a bottle of wine. I told myself when it was gone, that would be it - no more that night. Of course, when the bottle was gone I was out the door to go get more! Once it's in our system, no telling what will happen. When the first drink goes down, we become different people. It took me too long to admit I couldn't touch a drop. Our 'friend' turned on us - it means to kill us. We know better now. We can't risk returning to that awful place.

Great discussion. You can do it, kes.

kes

Thaks to Hevyn for sharing, invaluable knowledge and support at this difficult time. It's so much bettyer reaching out for support than reaching out for a bottle. I'm giving it my absolute best and know they'll be turbulent times ahead. I'm on the road to recovery and there's a great big sign saying no U turns on this highway, punsihment is death! Sounds drastic but it's true and as we all know:

"The truth, a fine subject"

Thanks to all you guys - feeling better now

ZIP

Nice work, kes!
I was in the same boat as far as drinking history. In November 2018, I finally enrolled in a 1 year outpatient program, because I simply could not stop getting ****-faced on alcohol. I've been full sober ever since.
It's the effort, friend. I promised myself I would no longer drink alcohol---period. That part of my life, like a lot of things as we mature and age--- was over.
And I've found over the past few years that I no longer desire it. It takes time...
Hang in there, buddy.

Britbird80

Well done on your sober days Kes! Your doing great. Hang in there today and do whatever it takes, tomorrow you'll be so glad you did. It will get easier and in time the positives that come from being sober will be another additional tool.
so much support in this place, please use it and keep posting.

least

It does get better, the longer you are sober. One thing I did to strengthen my sobriety was to practice gratitude every day. It not only made my sobriety stronger, it made me happier too.

kes

Day 56 and It feels okay

I have to meet my GP today to review my meds. I'm on naltrexone. Not sure if it's done any good, but I'm still sober. My cravings are intense but short lived providing I occupy my time as a distraction. My bulldogs,Sadie and Oris, have never been walked so much. They always had 2 walks a day (as far as I can remember as I was always drunk) now they're getting 4 or 5. They're a focus for me in my sobriety.
I play the guitar and have done for years, but since I stopped drinking it's difficult for me as it sounds different as though there's something missing almost as if it's lacking soul, I hope that comes back because once I get going I'm distracted for hours. Oh well folks I hope day 56 is a good day, better than day 55

b0glerd69

Nice to meet you, Kes. Keep going, you are doing great! Keep walking the dogs, they'll love it and it's good for your recovery.

brighterday1234

Stay sober and live a life of recovery and a wonderful life awaits where peace, contentment and happiness are the currency. You know what the alternative is. Stick close to AA, SR and the medical professionals 🙏

Hodd

Hi kes, I’m in two minds about the guitar stuff.I have no musical talent or knowledge, but my best mate is a guitar teacher, and before Covid, he had group lessons which were very popular. The class mates all gelled together too, sounded brilliant. He’s a pro and practises hours a day on his own (he is married).

Sounds very solitary to me, and us drinkers/ex-drinkers don’t do solitary well. Could a guitar course be one thing to fill the void from the drinking you’ve now left behind? A course will hopefully be structured and more of a challenge. People in recovery need new stuff going on, so important. I went for sports and lost the obesity. As I said before, I’m reasonably happy with the way I am as a person right now, and you will be too.

DriGuy

The end of my first week without a drink, I was climbing the walls. At that point, there does not seem to be an end in sight. I mistakenly thought the cure was to face the nagging for the rest of my life. After an AA meeting, I was talking with this guy who was a serious drunk. He would have long periods of sobriety, and the disappear for weeks or months before stumbling back to AA, where he would promptly sober up for a few more months. He was hardly the mentor anyone would want, but during our talk he told me something that really helped. I was telling him about how horrible my cravings were and that I didn't know how I could possibly make it. He replied in an understanding but matter of fact tone agreeing that it was like that for him too, but eventually those nagging thoughts are just empty voices that just pass through your mind.

That helped me in ways that he probably didn't intend. First, it reassured me that it wouldn't always be that way, and I absolutely needed to know and understand that. Second, I thought, "Good, but I certainly don't want to be like you, so I'll need to figure out what to do once the nagging becomes manageable. And that brought me to making plans for how to avoid seemingly harmless temptations, as well as my well known most powerful triggers.

The group was very helpful when I would bring my fears about specific situations to the discussion. They told me what they learned to do in exactly the situations I feared. Someone would quite often have the key that I needed.

kes

Hi Hodd,

The guitar isn't solitary, at least not for me. It can be a great friend. I have a Telecaster that I bought when I was a student in Liveropool, back in 1992. That instrument is precious to me as it's carried me through some really difficult times. Every time I pick it up (which isn't very often these days) I say "Hello old Friend, it's great to see you again." We are friends even though it's only wood and wire. Only a guitarist would understand!

Re: Lessons Hodd, I'm a teacher with 25years in the profession. I mainly teach Religious Studies and Sociology GCSE and A level. I haven't worked for 2.5 years because of the drink. Further down the line, I'm going back as I love it. My preferred environment is prisons which I taught in for 15 years. In this role I taught the guitar as well as the subjects mentioned. The guys loved it as it gave them a sense of freedom which I totally get. You're away from everything when you're transfixed playing.

I've played in several bands and had thousands of pounds worth of vintage guitars, sadly I drank most of them. But not my telecaster, she's my babe.

Give it a go buddy, It's like sobriety, you only get out what you put in.

ATB,

Kes

Hevyn

Kes - Congrats on your 55 days. It's rough going in the beginning, but I already notice a difference in your posts.

You have a rewarding profession to return to - that means so much. Will you return to the prison environment? Making a difference to people - maybe even helping them turn their lives around - sounds like a great idea.

Anna

Kes, I'm glad you're doing well and Day 56 is great. You're on the right path in recognizing that you need to make changes in your life to support your recovery. Getting back to playing the guitar sounds good. And, hoping/planning to get back to teaching is a great goal. Teaching in jails sounds very fulfilling. I began volunteer work with women who lived in poverty on the street at the same time I began recovery. I had no idea how rewarding it would be and it it really helped me to not feel sorry for myself and my struggle.

Hevyn

Oops - 56 days, not 55. Great job, kes.

kes

Hi Hevyn,

Thank you.

If I can, I would like to return to Prison Education. Just need to crack this bloody addiction. It's Ironic that I used to teach lifersl, now I feel like I'm doing life. If you didn't laugh you'd cry! lol, oh the irony
Bw,
Kes