BettyHazard

I am so embarrassed and ashamed of many of the things I did while under the influence. Thinking of the past gives me so much anxiety that I'm not functioning well. It is interfering with my sobriety as I'm completely shutting down instead of gaining momentum for sobriety. These thoughts are intrusive. Any advice on how to move on from these negative thoughts?

Anna

Hi Betty, The guilt and shame can lead us right back to drinking, so we have to move on past the negative thoughts. One thing that helped me in the early days was journalling. I would write all my negative thoughts down whenever they popped into my head, which was often. The process of writing out the words seemed to take away some of their power. Also, try to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. And, a Gratitude Journal can be so helpful. Each day, write down 3 or 4 things that you are grateful for.

stickyone

Yes try writing them down or with a close friend maybe letting it out will help you move forward in recovery. Good thoughts bad thoughts negative and positive thoughts run through your mind all day. Which one are you going to hold on to and feed will most likely determine your mood to follow. Unless you have a time machine ain't no changing the past it we can work right now today being present and making the best of things. We all have done things we would have not done now in recovery. I work everyday to make so many new good memories that I refer to them when times get hard. You got this it will pass and the sun will shine.

Hodd

I don’t think an ex-drinker exists who isn’t ashamed of something they did in their past. We all dwell on that at times to be honest. I might see an overweight drunk stumbling around, and as much as I feel sympathy for his current plight, I feel more sorry for the old me. But hey, we’re the lucky ones. We’ve got time and our health to start anew. To answer your question, Betty, we do better from now on.

Don’t forget, all we did was have the misfortune to become addicted to alcohol. We didn’t commit heinous crimes. Compared to many, we don’t have much to feel guilty about, so go easier on yourself

Hevyn

BettyHazard - I felt the same way for a while right after I got sober. I would wake up in the wee hours & start pacing - grieving over things I did & said. I knew I would head right back to numbing myself if I didn't get it under control. I finally decided that the drinking me was not the authentic me. The person I really am would never have behaved in a reckless or hurtful way. I decided I would rise above the negative thoughts, hold my head high, and go forward with the rest of my life. I still occasionally revisit the bad old days - but I usually can shut down the damaging thoughts. Also, most people don't seem to even remember some of the things from my past that I thought loomed so large. We need to forgive ourselves. We know better now.

You have us to talk to. I was so grateful I could be myself here at SR & everyone understood. I'm so glad you wanted to discuss your feelings. We care.

Dee74

Hi Betty
like others have said its a common thing, but I realised pretty early on I couldn't change the past.
Instead I dedicated myself to a kind of living amends, helping out others, 'doing good' and hopefully making a difference where I could.

Before long the present - the now - was my focus, not my past

D

Mizz

Every human on the planet has felt and will feel shame over something.

Do not let your past keep you from your future. Look forward. Fall forward. You know more now then you did then. You are making decisions now that will give you forward momentum. Please know you are not alone.

Brene Brown. Check her out. It might be worthy of your time. There may be some information in her work to soothe your heart and mind.

least

I had so much awful stuff in my drinking past I had to forgive myself and move on. Don't let shame hold you back that'll lead you back to drinking. Forgive yourself for what you did in the past and vow to be better now

Anna

Mizz, thanks for mentioning Brene Brown. She is awesome! Betty, Brene has a YouTube video entitled Listening to Shame. It's brilliant.

advbike

Thank you, Hevyn. I have found this to be so true. Things I remember as being so terrible and have felt so much shame over, were either forgotten or thought of as just drunken antics by most who knew me well when I was younger. Most have seen the responsible side of me since then.

Time to let go of the past, difficult as it is. We must not dwell on things we can't change and have no control over..

Free2bme888

Rear view mirrors are small because…..we move forward, and only occassionally look back. Glancing, not staring back there. Windshields are big, and wide ….so much to look at and experience moving forward 🤓❤️

Nonsensical

I am finding that practicing gratitude is helpful.
When my brain dredges up some old memory of me being a drunken dipstick, it is reminding me that I do NOT have to live that way any more. In that sense, it is protecting me by reminding me how bad it was.
I close my eyes, take a deep breath, and say. "Thank you, Brain, for reminding me how bad things get when I drink. Thank you for protecting me."
It helps.

Best of Luck on Your Journey.

novips

One of the promises contained in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous is that: "We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it." Perhaps worth noting, this is part of a set of promises often referred to as the 9th Step promises because they are introduced by the statement that: "If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through" -- and "this phase of our development" refers to the 9th Step amends. So, perhaps the best advice I can give is to get busy working the steps of recovery as they are laid out in the Big Book of A.A. (with the help of the fellowship we find at meetings and a sponsor who's had experience working the steps). And as you get busy with meetings and stepwork, you can try the following mini three-step solution for any disturbances you encounter along the way: (1) Ask God to remove the disturbance (importantly, you don't have to believe in "God" to do this and you can replace the word "God" with "Great Spirit" or "Higher Consciousness", etc.), (2) turn your attention to some sober action (i.e., advance the ball on your stepwork, attend a meeting, call someone in the program, etc.), and (3) rinse and repeat as often as necessary.

Alpine

I have found practicing gratitude very helpful for me and keeping a Journal like Anna said. In mine I wite down all the positives I see, things that make me happy even if they are small like seeing our dog all curled up and sleeping. I also have written down different quotes that I have seen that have an impact. I participate in the 24 hour thread where the member Abcowboy posts a quote everyday which I look forward to everyday and helps to keep my mindset where it needs to be. I wish you the very best

Jo43

HI Betty

I think many of us have felt that crushing weight of guilt and shame as we have continued on our sobriety journey. I definitely did. I'm not proud of my actions under the influence. I agree with others journal writing really helps. I had it constantly at my side to start with. Even now I still write in it but not as often. Any time I feel low or have feelings that I know I need to acknowledge I write them down. I then say to myself I have acknowledged them and now I can let them go. I think we need to be able to acknowledge our feelings regardless of how they make us feel. Otherwise they stay in us and I feel can cause us harm as they remind us of our faults which affects our self esteem. Once we give our feelings the room they need to be heard it becomes easier to let them go. Its a slow progress and it can take time. I say to myself yes I behaved like that and yes I shouldnt have. But my loved ones are aware, I have forgiven myself and therefore I do not need to berate myself. Whenever a negative thought comes into my head I write it down then I put a red line through it and write next to it a positive sentence eg I'm no good to anyone - line through it - I am a better mum, partner and friend than I ever was drunk! Therefore I am good for so many people in my life. When you force the negative away with a positive then the negative has no ground to work on and has no option but to leave us alone! The biggest thing we can do in our sober journey is forgive ourselves. We are often our harshest critics! I was having this conversation with a friend at the weekend. We can constantly put ourselves down and think badly of ourselves whilst others do not look at us in the way that we do. Sending you lots of hugs and reminders that you are doing great and you are sober and you are the best version of you ever. Also remember only you can be you! No one else can. Just like Suess says 'Today you are you, that is truer than true. There is no one alive, that is youer than you!' Be proud of how far you have come xx

VikingGF

I was filled with both shame and rage the many times I tried to become sober and with some time under my belt, the negativity would start to win. Then it won, every time. I had to move past those feelings until I had managed to be sober for a while, then I realized that I had to learn to live another way. I moved FORWARD. I was grateful. I listened to others and eventually I forgave myself. I was grateful to have not killed anyone and that the person I had hurt the most was actually me. I stopped hating myself and spoke to myself as I would treat a friend. It took a while for this to be second nature (I still slip up but I catch it right away) but just this mindset has lightened my load considerably. When I need to vent, I come to SR where people HELP me, rather than dwelling alone feeling negatively about something. I count my blessings every day and try to find the positive in each situation. Mostly, I recognize that I am almost a different person now- and I did all that myself (with a little help from my friends!) Don't let your past suck away your future. Just don't. You are a good person and you deserve a happy, peaceful life.