Gcesp

Hello. I posted a couple years ago about this topic and just wanted to check in again. Basically wife and I quit almost 3 years ago because we wanted to. Were starting to do it excessively somewhat beyond what we thought was "recommended" more and more and while serious problems were not happening, with the somewhat decent knowledge we have they could have been possible. After seeing the wave of evidence that there is no safe dose of alcohol and trying with varying degrees of success to "moderate consumption" which just ended up doing it less often but a bit more, especially the last year or two, we just decided to stop and have not looked back.

A lot has happened over the last nearly 3 years, mostly good actually but many stressors as well including covid-craziness. What's surprising is that I had two tiny cravings lasting a few seconds each and I remember them well because I wasn't seriously tempted to go back, ever. But even then it was like "I might like to have a dr...." and before I could complete the sentence I realized that it was a dumb idea, that it would make me feel like crap and why would I do something harmful to myself. My only regret or negative feeling throughout this sobriety process is that we didn't do it sooner.

Speaking of which the last ~3 years we have been sober I am very happy to note that if ever there were days that I didn't live my personal best it was due to matters beyond my control such as being sick, family commitments or issues, and just plain ol' work. But we had more time and energy to discover so much more instead of having a few drinks with dinner most nights and a bit more on the weekends and just spending the days not doing as much as what we could given our situation. I am tired and burned out as ever of course as life these days is not easy, but the difference is that at the end of the day I have a lot of good things to show for it and I smile upon my incessant fatigue as a result of everything we accomplish.

Initially people around us thought we had "something bad happen" like a DUI as those who use alcohol are wont to think of non drinkers. But after seeing what a good life we had, and how much more time and energy we had to do everything we wanted instead of complaining how tired we were, we managed to get most (but not all) of our friends on the alcohol free train and they too are doing more than ever.

So again, I am asking is this normal? Everything I have learned working in healthcare says no. I know a few things about addiction and alcoholism but I cannot purport to be an expert. I know it's not supposed to be like this, that you have to work at it and whatnot. But no, we didn't, it was like peeling off a dirty, stinky band-aid, throwing it away and not looking back, almost like so many people quit smoking these days. Am I fooling myself? Can/do a lot of people do this too without falling into the often talked about "dry drunk" hole?

Many thanks for your time

Anna

Good job on your recovery.

I didn't fall into the 'dry drunk hole' and I don't like to use that term. I did work very hard on recovery in the early days and then I began to do some inside work on myself. There were some things about myself that I wanted/needed to change and other things that I wanted to accept and embrace. Recovery is a wonderful journey.

nez

Does it matter?

You don't drink. Certainly nothing wrong with that. Does it cause you any problems that should be addressed? If not keep doing what you are doing.

I don't drink. Certainly nothing wrong with that. Does it cause me any problems that should be addressed? No, so I am going to keep doing what I are doing.

Overthinking has been known to cause me issues in the past, so I stay away from doing that these days.

Congrats on sobriety!

dustyfox

Great to hear your lives are now so much better ! I have also put a lot of hard work in - am still doing so - I see it now as a life long exploration - as Anna said - Recovery is a wonderful journey!

Dee74

You must be doing something right

Some people need to change their whole lives, or go to rehab, or get involved in AA...
and others just accept the need for abstinence forever and just....stop.

Best wishes to you and the missus

D

least

I think it's really cool that some of your friends hopped onto the sober train.

Congrats to you and your Mrs on your 3 yrs.

D122y

Sober nearly 7 years and it is just getting better and better.

Still crave sometimes but I know better.

The real me is still developing after decades of being the booze altered version of me.

Feeling growth every day and have the confidence and the humility of being a stone sober ex drunk.

Grateful at the same time as I am a go getter.

Winning, but never totally out of the woods.

The main goal each day includes staying sober. I don't wear it on my tshirt, but it would quickly become the #1 thing if I was ever pushed to relapse by anyone.

Will do anything to never never ever ever drink booze again.

I hate the stuff.

Addict for life.

Thanks.

DriGuy

It is so much different for everyone that it is hard to describe what a normal recovery would be like. And it can be easy for some, while others need to exert a tremendous amount of effort and go to the other extremes while making major life changes to get sober. I would say you are at an extreme end of the:I have a very close friend like you who just quit 30 years ago and never took another drink. He is delighted to be sober and wouldn't trade it for the world. He is one of the few alcoholics I have actually met that make up that vast majority of "recovery do it your selfers," who we never get to know in forums or at AA meetings. Even I who took quickly to recovery (once I committed to never drinking again), find myself making up some imaginary major inner struggles that I think my friend had to go through, because that's my vision of what a normal recovery is.

A friend I made in this forum, but who is no longer here, said a couple of times that all of what people describe as recovery are just their own versions projected onto everyone else. I pondered that for a long time, and I'm coming to think that maybe she had nailed a truth that is difficult for many of us to grasp.

All of this is interesting to me, but it's just a tangential observation about us alcoholics. What matters is that if not drinking is what you need to do, and you follow that rule of thumb through to it's logical conclusion, be it hard or easy, just take it as a spring board to a better life and be grateful.

TroubleAfoot

At 10 months I am still new at this but quitting, for me, has been relatively easy and I am grateful for this. I never had to go to a meeting or anything. I bought Rational Recovery but never got past the first couple of chapters. I think it is a great concept, and may finish it someday, but I just didn't seem to need any additional motivation. In a nutshell, I quit because of health problems and realizing that it was keeping me from doing anything useful or productive with my life.

I still have issues to resolve but I know that drinking is just not in the cards for me anymore because, like you said, I just know it would make me feel like garbage, physically and mentally. I live in a small town and, often, I drive by the few bars and see the cars of some of my friends out front and sometimes lament that I'm not in there being social with them anymore. I can hang out with friends who are drinking, and often do, but I've only been in a bar once in these past 10 months. I just don't really want to be in a bar. And I know that most of them drink too much and should probably quit to but they are on their own journey. I'm also single and live by myself so it can get lonely sometimes but my dogs help. When I hang out with my primary friend group, at social events, there a couple of others who do not drink as well and that helps me tremendously when everyone else is getting a pretty good drunk on.

We are all, to vastly different degrees, fighting our lives' battles the best we can and different situations can come harder or easier to us than it is for others. Congratulations on three years. I hope that I can stay true to this path and continue to better myself.

TroubleAfoot

I re-read my post and wanted to add an addendum to this statement. And that is I did need some motivation and it came by joining Sober Recovery. Even though I already knew it joining here, and creating my first post, was a total and complete admission to myself that I really did have a drinking problem. I was actually nervous about doing this because I knew what I was about to truly accept and it scared me. But, as is always the case here, my first post was quickly met with a flurry of replies offering support, empathy, commiseration, understanding, encouragement, and advice. I was overwhelmed by, and grateful for, all of the support. I don't check in as much as I should but I do try to visit, at least a few times a month, for further inspiration and to lend support to others. I am grateful for this community.

brighterday1234

Congratulations on nearly 3 years sober 🙏

Gcesp

Appreciate the insights. It's certainly made life and many things a lot easier. Another motivation was that we have a good life and at the time we were quitting a lot of avenues that we could have enjoyed but despite above average physical activity some mental and physical sluggishness was starting to come upon us. It wasn't that bad but drawing the curve forward right around 40yo did not promise very turning into stereotypical older people that didn't do that much either, never mind the health problems alcohol brings with it.

Very curiously we did indeed go on many trips, occasions, cruises, vacations, wedding or two, parties or whatnot with people that we both knew or did not that consumed alcohol. It didn't take long into the night just to see what we were doing to ourselves in the years previous. Nothing "bad" ever happened but even so it was downright embarrassing to see and thing we were partaking in that on a regular basis! Several friends who joined us on the quitting train had similar observations and one actually gained promotions and was able to outcompete and snuff out (legally no murder just by being better) other managers and salespeople to the top due to their own habits entertaining customers with alcohol. The refrain was the same, when occasionally refusing an alcoholic beverage people would gasp thinking there was something wrong with you but at any such occasion that effect didn't last long. After not many minutes into the party, night, occasion whatever most people get so half in the bag no one notices anymore, but *YOU* are now in control of the discussion, and *YOU* can shine doing as you please.

There have been too many other things going on the last few years to fuel growth to say "ALL THIS GOOD STUFF THAT HAPPENED WAS THANKS TO QUITTING". But the overarching feeling is that thanks to not consuming alcohol we are able to immerse ourselves a lot more completely in just about anything that either requires our attention, our family, our careers or that we want to do for joy or personal growth.

Well it's almost 3 years, not quite but given our experiences after this long I am 100% sure we won't touch the stuff again. I had a small collection of a couple dozen bottles of wine and a handful of semi fancy bottles of booze some even unopened, for a while I kept it in reserve if people came over or just as a quick "gift" but at this point since most of our friends don't drink either it sat there so long and needed the room so sometime last year just threw them all away. Some weren't cheap at all, I didn't care. Glad to have space for other things I now own that bring me more lasting joy. There is certainly a financial benefit to sobriety as well.

Thank you for your insights and as always, VERY grateful for everything.

DriGuy

I had the realization that I would never drink again about 5 or 6 weeks into recovery. It's not the same as a commitment. It was a "knowing." I announced that at an AA meeting and I was gently and politely admonished not to say that because no one can predict the future, but I still knew it, maybe because I was not predicting the future but taking control of it/(me). I think the "admonishment" was made by an old timer on behalf of those members of the group that had continuously relapsed... but I'm not sure. It was just what I read into his comment. That was 26 years ago, and I haven't drank a drop since I quit. It's easy to logically understand why too. There was never any upside in taking a drink. My worst day sober was better than my best day drunk. There was no logical reason to drink considering the known and predictable outcome. We may not be able to predict the future, but we can control our choices, and that's all that really counts.

Gcesp

HUGE +1. Echoes my sentiments word for word. I heard from an much older person who was in recovery many years ago through work something like "there's nothing a drink won't make worse". I think at this point almost like smoking there's enough evidence out there available enough to anyone willing to spent even a cursory amount of time to educate themselves that you have to live under a rock to think there are any benefits to alcohol or any drug really.

But while the "BAD FOR YOU" part is what gets almost everyone to stop, it doesn't seem to stick in terms of keeping people stopped. Something much more powerful is the deep realization that there is absolutely zero benefit to alcohol consumption and when that key idea is internalized the motivation to continue such toxic behavior seems to die. Or at least it did with me.

Just out of curiosity I have tried to will myself to consume alcohol including occasions I might have been alone or 'gotten away with it' and it was just that. I might have been at a bar or restaurant with friends or traveling and try as I might to convince myself that it might be a good idea there was no way. Please know that I wasn't actually trying to go back to alcohol, only to analyze the situation and get as much out of it as I could. But that seems to be the approach I have taken to life ever since I stopped. I was decent to pretty good at it before I quit but it took getting the most out of life to a whole new level afterwards now that my shine is no longer dulled!

DriGuy

I understand checking out your will to drink in that way. It's like surfing a thought, just to see where it wants to take you while you are still retaining the power of control. I've done that too, both in the way you have done it, or walking down the wine isle in the grocery store to see what kind of effect it would have on me. If course I didn't do that in the beginning as my confidence had not yet caught up with my power of choice. But when it did, my findings matched yours. There was nothing to gain by drinking, and the whole idea of consuming alcohol was but a pointless thought.

There is something about choice in this for me. It is always there, and I believe so for everyone. We always have control over our actions, and we always have the ability to choose. Every success or failure in recovery begins with our free will and choice. Surfing thoughts and checking our inner feelings against reality can be an important part of personal growth and recovery.

TroubleAfoot

I still have a cabinet full of booze and some of it is pretty expensive stuff. I also work in a brewpub and, as an employee, get a not insignificant allotment of free beer. I still take it home and give it to my friends and, sometimes, I'll have a couple of cases of it in my fridge before I unload it. Having it constantly around, but not being even remotely tempted by it, is another reason why I think I have a pretty good grip on this. While I do remain ever vigilant not drinking has become almost (almost) effortless for me. I have been contemplating, lately, getting rid of the booze as you did. Even though it is top shelf there is clearly no point for me to hang on to it when I'm never going to drink it.

DriGuy

"Internalization!" This is the key to so much growth. It's knowing something, and then having a much deeper realization and knowing it much better. I believe this kind of depth has been critical in my success over alcohol. You can say, "I will never drink again," but internalizing that into knowing it, is the next step. And I think seeking that kind of knowing makes a difference. In my case, it seems like it made the ultimate difference.

samwitch

I just love this post, thank you! It's so refreshing to hear a positive, happy report of being sober. I love what you said about your shine no longer being dulled, thank you so much.
I am taking this to heart.

Gcesp

I definitely see sobriety as causing the Dunning-Kruger effect in that once you start living life to its fullest, you see not necessarily all the possibilities, but certainly more. In seeing more possibilities your overall certainty and confidence decrease because you understand that your capabilities or skillset and knowledge are almost always conditional as you become aware of how complex not only life is, but can become many of whose challenges you have not yet faced, so you feel smaller with more insight in knowing there's just so much out there that you at best may only peripherally be aware of and certainly are not as prepared as you'd like to face should it ever rear its ugly head. With your eyes opened you understand that conditions can and do change so your current skillset may not be as relevant or applicable.

But at the same time you are more adaptable as well, and because you have more time and energy, the adaptation, or unfavorable circumstances, don't bother you as much and handling adversity becomes easier. So over time you wear more hats and become a better person. You're more able to learn from the all experiences, especially when you're not as good as you should be, especially when you were good enough but just weren't because you made a mistake and it was your fault, and accept that. You also are more OK with all those times when you do your best and it's still not enough.

This is truly shocking to me how the scientific community is coming out full force against alcohol in the "NO SAFE DOSE" vertict. There is so much dis-information, and the more money, power and profit lies behind something, the more likely it is to be encouraged. So while a big chunk of me definitely has the conspiracy thought because I don't necessarily trust anything, for modern healthcare to be rallying against alcohol so much is a message that is hard to ignore, and why I took it so loud and clear.

Gcesp

I needed the storage space for a new hobby and healthy life activity too. Part of it was it didn't take long for most of our friends to go alcohol free as well, the other part is the thought of why would I give a known poison, cancer causing compound, circulation ruining elixir and unsafe substance for human consumption to anyone I care about? Not being judgemental here only scientific and objective. Given the objective evidence of the last decade or so that anyone can freely research I can say with certainty there is no place for alcohol in any human's life, all seven plus billion inhabitants of the world. Few things are so black and white, but let's say it differently. Would you gift someone loose powdered asbestos? Would you gift someone trichloroethylene (amazing stain remover BUT...)? Would you gift someone fentanyl? Would you gift someone tobacco? Same reasoning so at a certain point that area in the basement was hankering for my new stuff. Maybe I could have gotten away with it 30, 40, 50 years ago but now you cannot sell alcohol as a private citizen without the proper paperwork to recoup your losses and expect no serious legal consequences. The liability like at a yard sale would be HUGE. Maybe online on some wine collector forum I might have been able to swing it but I didn't have time, it wasn't that much in value, not like $100+ collector style bottles or anything like that. At that point down the drain and into recycling it went.