snitch

In April 2018 I had a 10 day alcohol and pill binge that nearly killed me. I surrendered, threw up my hands, said I was done! I had over 3 years of continuous sobriety. Then I made that oh so unfortunate mistake a lot of alcoholics do. I thought that after so long abstinent and working on myself and my issues that I would be able to control it. At first I did. But it’s amazing how quickly the spiral starts and once it does there is no stopping it until you throw your hands back up and surrender again.

Abstinence is not control. Dee says that. It’s true.

This morning I prayed for the strength to pour away the remains of the wine I had left over from last night. I refuse to go back to where I was 3 years ago or even lower cos there is always a deeper level to go which is death and there is no coming back from that one.

im just gonna out this out there cos I have to say what I feel… I love drinking. I love socialising. Going out to pubs and bars and restaurants and ordering wine. I would be lying if I said I am gutted I cannot do that. BUT I cannot do that. I am an alcoholic and I have to find some fresh acceptance around that fact and I will cos all I know for sure right at this moment is that alcohol will be my downfall.

so, if anyone is thinking of picking up a drink,,,,, don’t.

I have been given another chance and I am not going to waste it.

stay safe and sober all xx

Pondlady

snitch, So glad you made the decision to pour it out and come back here. Many of us loved to drink, it's honest of you to admit it. I loved feeling tipsy......but it led to becoming drunk. I've learned to enjoy socializing without alcohol.....I'll admit, it's different, but that's ok......I needed something different then being drunk.

Reid82

Welcome back and thanks for the timely reminder of what happens when we go back drinking again.

novips

There is a type of alcoholic who can only stay sober by fully committing to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. It took me a long time to figure out that I was one of those types, and it is only by the grace of God that I didn't die before that happened. So, I encourage you to keep an open mind about the possibility that you, too, might be one of those types.

Zebra1275

Glad you made it back!

RecklessDrunk

Alcohol doesn't work the way that it use to.

Trying to recapture that magic only gets worse with each try. I don't know exactly why. Maybe because it's a poison and the liver and brain and other internal organs can only handle it so many times. Maybe part of it is the aging of internal organs as well.

This sobriety business is an entirely new chapter in life. It can be more rewarding but its tougher. Or so it seems tougher, it is kind of tough waking up with a hangover. Waking up in jail or not knowing what you did or wishing you didn't know what you did.

Hevyn

Snitch - It's wonderful to have you back with new resolve & determination. The last time I tried to moderate it led me into a nightmare lasting years. But out of that horrible chaos came my treasured sobriety. Wish we weren't slow learners, but here we are - free of it. Congratulations

snitch

Thank you everyone. Am feeling horrible right now. Everything seems so bleak and hopeless at the minute. I know it is the booze blues. I know I am projecting here but I feel so scared of the future. I was so positive I would never drink again. It scares me.

I was in AA but I grew disillusioned with it. But I have been on the women’s international meeting today for a bit. I hate this. I hate I have this, whatever it is. I don’t know whether it’s a disease, a disorder, or whatever. I have no idea. I just know I cannot drink safely and moderately but I wish my bloody brain knew that !! Sorry, just having a moan x

Surrendered19

I'm glad you are back out snitch. Scary stuff. It is good to be honest about your love of wine and such. Putting it out there makes it real and something you can analyze, pick that apart, and deal with. That kind of stuff bumping around in your noggin all by itself is where it learns to hide.

Scott2295

A book that really helped me is Alcohol Explained by William Porter. There is a sequel as well.

Hodd

Hi snitch, I feel the sorrow in your post. There but for the grace of whoever go most of us. I know what you’re saying about being gutted not to be able to order alcohol, but really? During your three years of sobriety, you must’ve done a lot of non-alcohol related stuff and enjoyed it to keep going so long. Isn’t that a better choice than yearning for a drink?

We’re all different and whilst I still have occasional cravings and miss a couple of close (drinking) buddies, I’m happier with the way things are now. It’s brilliant you’re quitting, but I’d be a little concerned if you’re missing the drink. Could you not still socialise without alcohol and also do some new activities?

But I will say thanks for posting, and I admire you for doing so at what is a difficult time. All the best for now 💪

Anna

Snitch, I feel your pain and I'm glad you made it back here. It sounds like you're ready to get back to sobriety. Have faith that you can do this and try to focus on the fact that you're doing the right thing now.

Kaily

Well done on coming back and I hope you begin to feel better soon.

I hope you don't mind me asking but did you make a considered decision to start drinking again or was it impulsive?

I am just over 3 years sober and I would be lying if I said I didn't think about drinking. I guess the difference for me is that I am under no illusion that I would be able to control it in any shape or form but it is very scary.

DriGuy

As you already know, it doesn't make any difference whether it's a disease or a disorder, and I believe your brain knows that you can't drink without the same consequences over and over. Your brain is fine, by the way. You just haven't sorted it all out yet in your mind.

I'm sorry you like to drink and enjoy the environment where alcohol is involved so much. I did too, until I didn't, so it may have been easier for me. I wanted out of the whole mess, because the control that alcohol had over me was just horrible and frightening. I think you are getting closer to that point, but I wouldn't wait around to get disgusted with drinking. You owe it to yourself to fully understand that alcohol and joy in life are incompatible and mutually exclusive... for you, anyway.

It's like leaving a toxic relationship with a loser that you love. You will never have a relationship with alcohol like it once was. The relationship has changed. Unfortunately, you can't change it. And alcohol is a simple chemical formula that has no mind and cannot change either.

Dee74

I’m really glad you’re back Snitch.
I think building a sober life we love is vital.

I was miserable drinking, and I was miserable sober until I realised that just not drinking was not enough for me to be happy.

I had to face some pretty dark things within me and around me, but I did. Some by myself, some by posting here, some through counselling.

I’ve gotten to a point now where my recovery is unconditional…good days and bad I love my life and recovery is the axle on which that life spins.

You’ve had a rough few years - loss of your mum, loss of your career. Returning to an earlier time when we could drink and party, and not know the word COVID is probably appealing to many.

I think it’s a myth tho- I was frequently in oblivion, but not really happy….like abstinence and control, they’re not the same thing.

Maybe it’s worth considering how much the last few years have affected you and whether you’ve dealt with them or not?

D

SouthernSober

Terrific post. Thanks.

"If you're an apple you can't be an orange, but you can be the best apple you can be."

Steely

Welcome back Snitch. You will be so glad you did.

Alpine

Snitch, welcome back and thanks for sharing.

Erratic

good to see u back snitch hun xx great post also!!!!

Hawkeye13

How are you doing today snitch? Be sure to schedule some self-care today and eat well.

Things will be improving as the days pass, which I know you know—relapse sucks but if we work on mining some new lessons and improvements on our sobriety plan, we can at least gain more insight and tools.

Reframe it and let the guilt go.