Mizz

You all know I went to a Birthday dinner last weekend. I had a wonderful time. Sober.

I talked with my friend who invited me to the dinner last night and the not drinking came up in conversation. Actually, I told her of the strange breathing issue I had for months (still dealing with it to a lesser degree) and she said "That makes sense as to why you were not drinking." I didn't respond. It was easy to not respond to that commentary and to stick to the subject. At the dinner she did offer me alcohol a few times and I politely and respectfully declined.

I don't really seek out much advice here but I think I need some kind of help in how to deal with these conversations.

1) The main reason as to why I am not speaking of my sobriety with my friends is because I don't want MY sobriety to be a topic of conversation. This is personal.

2) I don't want sobriety to stop a friendship and I don't want to not be invited places just because I don't consume alcohol any longer. I am still the same person. I am just not high on alcohol.

What is true for me is that I am a happier person without alcohol and I have stopped an active addiction from destroying my life. These thoughts are not ones that I share with people in real life. I just live my life and show up sober and happy.

How do I Identify now?
A runner. A person who has a strong spiritual practice. A goal oriented individual. An artistic person. A vocalist. A stable person. A positive person. A person who does not consume alcohol. I am sure there is more that I identify with but the MAIN identification is around positive hobbies and positive habits.

Thank you for taking the time to respond. I would rather not deal with this at all and just live my life skipping through the wildflower meadows.

Anna

I also feel that my recovery journey is very personal. I don't talk about it with people outside of SR because, like you, I am many things, and a recovering alcoholic is only one of those things.

For me, I accepted that I did not owe anyone an explanation as to why I was not drinking. 'No thanks' should always be a sufficient response. If someone pushes it, they are making you feel uncomfortable and that's rude.

Mizz

Thank you, Anna.
I have time to wrap my head around the message I want to give to people. Alcoholic, alcoholism, recovery, addiction and all those words hold a negative connotation to the average person. There is a judgement. Its none of my business what people think of me. Also, Its not anyone's business whether I get high or not. I think I am controlling the narrative or I am wanting to control the narrative. I get to do that right? Tell my own story.

biminiblue

I'm just honest with people in various ways.

I cannot control how they will react to my not drinking so I don't really worry about it. There are alcoholics both practicing and sober with whom I interact. There are people in my life who are normies and people in denial and people who don't drink at all. Depending on the circumstances I have multiple ways I answer if there are statements or questions beyond my, "No thanks." There rarely are. I admit I have some fairly snarky replies that I've only used twice in eight years.

I don't think I owe anyone an explanation.

Will I maybe get excluded from some big drinking parties? Maybe. Would I want to be there anyway? No. Win/win.

biminiblue

We cross-posted and said similar stuff, Mizz.

I also don't use alcoholic or recovery or alcoholism outside of this forum. They might be filling in those blanks, but I don't do it for them.

Mizz

Yes, I have friends who are BIG drinkers. Friends who rarely drink. One friend that I speak with about recovery. It is what it is.
I can only control the narrative so much, right? People are going to think what they think.

I am so happy that the Birthday Dinner was actually a dinner and not a "Birthday Drink Fest"
I would not have attended if there was not food involved.

My response if this comes up again will most likely be something that avoids the topic entirely......
Im uncomfortable. Its uncomfortable. Not everything is squishy and soft.

fishkiller

It's a No Thanks from me too.
Not worried about not being invited places. If they don't invite me because I don't drink well, that's on them.

99% of the time No Thanks works.

There have been a few times it got to the I Dont Drink but noone has ever asked why.
I they do I would just say, because I don't.

nez

When asked about why I don't drink, I just say that at one point I asked myself the same question but that I re-framed it as why would I drink? I couldn't come up with any positive answers or reasons that apply to me, so since that time, I don't drink. Basically, alcohol has no attraction to it, for me, so I don't.

Kinda like..why don't I walk backwards. It is fun! It is an icebreaker! Etc.etc.etc. Yeah...not really :~)

Ladysadie

You sound like you are doing awesome in your sober journey. Friendships come and go, evolve, and mature naturally for all of us. You don't have to explain or defend yourself anymore than a dieter has to let people know how much weight they've gained or lost. Keeping it private (I think) means you're more secure in your sobriety than you know. You can still be an observer of life without having the personal wrecks we all know that those of us who knew we had a problem cease to make when we are sober. Keep up your strength of resolve that this is truly the life you're making for yourself starting in your good decisions!

Obladi

My advice would be to change the (underlying) narrative from "I have something to hide (no one's business, it's personal, I will be excluded if they know)" to instead be "Here I am."

Full stop.

VikingGF

I enjoy saying "I don't drink" if I'm ever pressed, but I rarely am. No one has ever asked anything beyond that and I don't feel the need to explain.

Mizz

I think I will say what I feel comfortable with at the time.

There are parts of myself that I choose not to share with my friends. Parts of my past that I choose not to share. Im not an open book and I don't have to explain myself to anyone. Thank you all for that message.

Its very important for me to feel safe and to know that I own my story and my narrative. I think there is a member here who says that she doesn't drink for health reasons.
Mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health are really the biggest part of this journey for me. So, I like that explanation.

What we say and how we approach our recovery IRL is very very personal. Its good there are so many different roads and so many different options. Just like sobriety. One size does not fit all. One persons truth is different from another's. This portion of my life does feel very private and until I feel differently about it I will carry on with avoidance, changing the subject and doing what I can to be comfortable. Just like getting sober......It all takes time. Ill get there. Not today.

Free2bme888

Great post, Mizz!

On this holiday I had everything from rude responses and inquiries, to just repeated offers to drink. “I’ll just stick with (insert iced tea, water, ginger beer).

Dr Free ordered a Pinot noir for me last night anyway after I’d said I’ll stick with water. I actually faked it, put it to my lips. I had NO DESIRE. None. It’s like bleach to me. Such poison. The glass sat full while he drank his over an hour. Then I asked him to help me with it. He took half. Then I switched glasses with his empty glass.

Eventually Dr Free will get it, that for me it’s forever. It’s VERY personal.

The friends part I agree with others here. No thanks. The others I will rethink outings if they continue to rudely prod.

SouthernSober

Well, it's different for everyone. For the younger and more social, I could see how it might be a constant drumbeat. I notice that people in the UK post all the time about alcohol FOMO.

I myself no longer have any friends with whom drinking would be a topic. When it does come up, I tell people I've given it up for health reasons. That is a perfectly true statement and I don't see why I need to go any further. I also have plenty of people in AA and here with whom I can discuss it should I choose.

I firmly believe that in any relationship worth having, people in your life will support your decision and commitment 100% and never question or peer pressure you.

BTW I don't see this as advice--rather "experience, strength and hope." best, SS

Anna

Absolutely, you get to make the decision about how much to tell people, if anything, and who to tell and when to do it. This is your journey, Mizz.

Dee74

Some great advice here already

I have said before that I went into recovery thinking other people thought drinking was as important as I did. I had these great mental essays pre-planned out explaining why I wasn’t drinking any more…

I made more than one pair of eyes glaze over.

No one cared as much as I did - not even my heavy drinking mates…. Talking about drinking was the last thing they wanted to do.

No thanks is as deep as I need to go

D

dustyfox

Mizz - it's a great thread and sparks lots of thoughts in me. I resonate with the notion that recovery is personal - it's deeply personal for me and something I only talk about here. I agree that it is important to own your own narrative, your story of recovery and all that went before. The bit that went before recovery is often messy, complicated, deeply painful sometimes and can also bring feelings of shame. All of that is something that we can only feel safe sharing with others that understand.
So if I am asked do I want a drink, or why aren't I drinking - I don't want to share a single iota of my story with them, I prefer to be a closed book and brush them off with what ever seems appropriate for the person or the occasion.
A 'normal' drinker, of which all my current friends are, would never understand, and never be able to imagine how or why I am now on this very difficult journey of sobriety. So the bottle of wine I know I will be asked to share at some point with one of my friends as we catch up will be brushed aside by me with what ever excuse I feel like giving. I don't know if it gets easier as more years of sobriety are clocked up but when it's only months it all still feels very raw. Anyway excellent thread.

Donnylutz

This was a huge struggle for me, and sometimes still is.

My dad and step mom had an end of summer barbeque - it's a family tradition. It's always a crapshow, 50-60 people, barbeque, people sleeping in tents, lawn games, and tons of alcohol. I went with and stuck to a plan - arrived early, left early. My step sister lives out of state and I rarely see her or talk to her these days. She was grabbing a beer and saw me drinking a Pepsi and asked "Why and the hell aren't you drinking?" It was so awkward. She felt horrible once someone took her aside and told her I'm sober now after almost losing my life.

I guess the point it, it's extremely personal, and we should never tell anyone that we don't want to. Most of my loved ones know I'm in recovery, some know more details than others. Just remember that by not telling some people, odd situations may arise.

It was nice when I started a new job a few months back - part of the welcoming was a dinner after my first day. We went to a neighborhood restaurant - we all ordered soda, water, or lemonade. Working in recovery has many perks for my recovery. :-)

tornrealization

I want to get on my soapbox and tell people how much better it is without it, but I don’t. Naked Mind by Annie Grace goes over this in her book some. Part of the reason I really liked that book. I have let some know it’s important to me. I tended to shy away from the topic early but now I’m kinda like, been there done that. Open to listening or talking more only if you wish to.

I isolated in my active drinking that I barely had active friendships going. Feels like casual friends. They know. I’ve been left off invite list for girls night out/in. I’m not offended or hurt. Honestly we are at different places now.

Your journey is yours. Share as little as you want.

Bonnefond87

We met friends recently after a delay of 18 months - we had a walk and a picnic and a very nice time catching up. Afterwards, we called at a restaurant and they and my OH had a beer and I had a coke. I'm four years in. When I went to pay I heard the female friend say to OH - 'still not drinking - must have been a serious alcoholic!'. It just made me smile. My new life is amazing. They are in seriously bad shape.😬😱