DriGuy

This question seems like it's probably more important to new comers. And early on, I labored over crafting responses too. I didn't know whether to shout it to the world or keep it a secret. I don't think about it anymore, mostly because the issue seldom comes up. It seems to me that most people don't care if I'm sober, whether I quit drinking, or whether I consider myself an alcoholic. I think this becomes an issue for most of us who make it over the hump, because it is astonishing to have personally experienced the depths of despair and the joy of freedom. For good reason, this is of primary importance, but it's not as important to others as it is to us, because their experiences are different. My advice is to say nothing about it, unless pressed, and then explain yourself in a way that feels right.

Sobriety is one of the most important parts of my life. In order to talk about it, I need a forum like this, because outside our little personal world, it's not that interesting to others, and we would likely bore others to death (most of the time). There is so much more to life besides alcoholism that is truly interesting and important, and these areas of common interest are what we base relationships on.

Free2bme888

Congrats on four plus years bonne. Omg. People can be so rude, especially when alcohol is in their bodies.

ScottFromWI

Of your two questions I very much understand your concern regarding #1 - recovery and addiction is a very personal thing and I don't like it to be the topic of conversation outside of a "Safe" place like here on SR or other recovery spaces in my life. And fortunately it very rarely is - unless I decide to make it so. Having said that, I am willing to discuss it with true friends if they ask. But I am definitely not one to broadcast it widely in venues like social media or just sitting around at work.

Regarding #2, my personal stance is pretty hard line and if someone would choose to end their friendship with me because I don't drink anymore, then they were never a real friend to begin with. I've been sober almost 9 years now and honestly I've never had a relationship come to this. Certainly I had a lot of drinking buddies that I hung out with prior to quitting, but looking back the only thing we had in common was alcohol.

I do have a best friend from growing up that I used to party with all the time, and he still does. Having said that - while he does not really like that I don't drink anymore, he accepts it. And yes, I do have a bit of FOMO as I hear about the big parties he has at his Cabin with all the boys and I see all the pictures, but I don't go. I'm still invited but the expectation would be that I would drink, and that's not me anymore I do still do other things with him and his family, just not the blowout drinking weekends. That's the difference I think - he respects my decision even though he doesn't understand it or like it.

KAD65

Given that the majority of my drinking was done in solitude and isolation, I don't often encounter anyone with whom I used to drink. But there have been some situations in sobriety where there was drinking going on and I was offered something. I've found that not having a "rehearsed" answer works best because no social situation is rehearsed either. First and foremost, as others have said, my drinking past is my own business and on one is owed any detailed information about it, so in most cases, a polite "No, thank you" works fine. However, there have been other situations when the person offering would open up to me about his or her concern over drinking. In a case like that, I might divulge a little more information if I feel I can trust the person and that it might possibly help.

But above all, we stay sober because we know doing otherwise would likely destroy us. We don't owe anyone an excuse for that, any more than we owe an excuse for why we wouldn't jump off a rooftop!

tursiops999

Lots of good advice here. It's nobody's business but mine. I use a variety of answers, usually just 'no thanks' or 'I don't drink'. I rarely discuss or explain any more, unless it's someone I trust and perhaps they've asked out of sincere, caring curiosity. I sometimes answer "I just feel a lot better without alcohol", which is true. I don't call myself an alcoholic.

Mizz

I've been thinking a lot about language and how words can hold such negative connotations. When out on my run this morning I knew and know and own that I cannot be the athlete I want to be with alcohol in my system. I cannot be the positive person I am with alcohol in my life. Its either messy Mizz or Positive life affirming Mizz. There is no middle ground and I am really happy about the "No middle ground."

So, I don't drink for health reasons. Its that simple. That is actually the truth of it. Most of us, if not all of us, gave up alcohol for various health reasons....Like, financial health, physical health, mental health, emotional health, spiritual health, relationship health, family health....... . No further explanation. Since I run almost everyday I can say "No, Thank You. I've got a run tomorrow." or "No, Thanks. Ive got to get in the weights early" End of story and end of conversation.....One can hope!

biminiblue

What I learned in my reading of ninety-seven-eleven Self-Help books is that I never am required EVER to Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain (JADE) any statement I make about my choices. If someone has a problem with any choice I make about anything that isn't their business, my last question to them would be, "Why does it bother you?"

I put it back in their court, but no further JADE-ing needed.

Hodd

I’ve started to tell people the semi truth. My close friends didn’t realise I was alcohol dependent, so I told them. That was easy enough.

For acquaintances or strangers, if we end up in a pub or similar, I say I stopped drinking as I used to drink every day and that it wasn’t healthy.

I wouldn’t use the word alcoholic or even dependent as I may well be judged on that. Who knows, it might influence a decision somewhere down the line.

If a stranger pried, I’d probably change topic. I think in this day and age, it’d be extremely rare for anyone to criticise a non drinker. Bars/pub sell a decent range of alternatives now. I reckon being appalled at pubs in central London of all places not serving hot drinks in the depths of winter not too long ago.

peacefulintent

Mizz, For the most part when asked about a drink I will give my most basic reply: "No thanks, I'm good! " I say this with conviction and a smile, which is easy, because that is how I feel. I am all smiley and feeling good inside. I have yet to have someone press me after this response. There are times I share more of my past and the path I have taken, but that is when I want to share. Otherwise, "No thanks, I'm good." And I smile.

Sammy1980

If I am asked I just say no thank you, if they ask why not I just say because I know longer like it. No one has ever pushed passed that and If they did I would just repeat and say because I don't like it any longer.
I have never been not invited somewhere because I don't drink. All of my friends drink and will continue to drink unless they don't feel like it anymore and at that time they can come to me and talk about it...

lessgravity

I think I know what you mean Mizz. It's a sort of existential conflict for me - this is the best, healthiest, most meaningful decision in my life and it has provided me with the chance to live a life I am proud of, yet to discuss it with someone else risks the chance they instead come away with the opinion that something is wrong with me (being someone who had to quit drinking). Whether or not I should care what other people think is besides the point. This is a part of my sobriety and sober path and I can relate to that experience. No great advice. But I think I know whtatcha mean!

LadyBug66

Hi Mizz,
When I was drinking I was DRINKING! It was kind of the center of the "get togethers" so when I quit it had a lot of people asking why? At first I said I was doing a dry January - My friends said they couldn't wait for January to be over! LOL Then I said that it felt so good to be a month without alcohol that I was going to go a year with no drinking - I had friends planning a big party for when the year was over. Then when the year was over a lot of my friends gave up asking me to drink. A few work "networking" events I would say I was taking antibiotics and couldn't drink. I made excuses for the different events. I didn't want to tell me friends that I was drinking a bottle (sometimes 2) of wine a night and passing out. I will be 4 years sober in December. I don't make excuses anymore I just say I don't drink but in the beginning I did. Hang in there, it does get easier.

Dee74

I guess I'm lucky in a kind of perverse way.
I was such a disastrous public spectacle type drinker that I'm proud to be known as a non drinker now.

D

nez

It has been a long time since anybody asked me why I am not drinking, but I think next time, I will just scratch my head and say "I didn't know I needed a reason to not drink, I thought I needed a reason to drink...and I don't have one!"

nmd

I don't have any advice really, but I have my own perspective from my situation.

I don't make my recovery a public thing. Being sober is something I share to some extent with my immediate family (my wife and children in my own home) and some close friends I socialize more regularly. I don't feel my recovery is fragile, but it is personal as others have said, and I suppose my own feelings can be fragile. I don't really like dealing with drama or criticisms on issues I'm not willing to budge on. My "inner circle" knows I'm sober.

I haven't really discussed being sober with my parents, siblings or in laws. Saying no thank you to a drink has always been enough in situations with them though, and we see each other often enough they know I haven't drank in a long time. I think in this case, I have more feelings of shame and I would face less understanding from them as non-alcoholics. I feel I could entrust my larger family, but I just don't want to deal with it right now and I'm ok with that. I don't really feel the need to get into my recovery. If they asked for whatever reason I would be open and honest though.

I absolutely don't bring up recovery in work circles, and I keep my personal life separate. I think for most people this is the case.

Over the years as I struggled with drinking and getting sober, I have absolutely lost friendships and connections to some people. Some due from my own drunken behavior years ago, and then some more from the wreckage from the divorce that followed. Getting sober caused some more people to fall out of my life as I mostly kept to myself and focused on getting well. Stronger friendships have survived and I hope relationships with some other people with be salvageable in time, but I'm not betting my sobriety on it. I honestly can't tell why some people have drifted off but I don't have the time to worry about them. It could have been my neglect, or something else entirely, that's just life unfortunately. Hoping to build new stronger relationships as I go forward.

Evoo

This post resonates with me a lot.

I've been upfront with my immediate family and very close friends - the honesty/accountability there helps me stay sober, but otherwise - I tell people I can't drink because of my crohn's disease (which is true, but seeing as how I am here, onlypart of the reason). My colleagues know I can't drink because of my health (which isn't a stretch after two outages for hospital stays). But still, sometimes, it feels like a cop out.

I do know people who are totally public about their alcoholism. I'm definitely not there.

I think there is a line. I told my wife and family about why I'm abstaining forever because without that, there were more avenues to relapse and for my AV to take hold. That denies my AV that oxygen. Other people in my life knowing the full reason? None of their business.

Mizz

This conversation has been really important for me. Conversation? I value every persons input on how they deal with questions and how they view their sobriety.

I woke this morning and am overly excited to get out on a run. I dont have any time constraints. The pavement and my earphones. Its a time for thinking and breathing and not thinking and more breathing. Singing to the neighbors.

My health is the reason I no longer drink. All the health's.

No guilt. No shame. No physical pain from alcohol. No money spent on alcohol. No random "Im not sure what happened but I am sorry." No lack of energy. No unproductivity unless I decide to be productively unproductive. No anxiety from alcohol. No depression from alcohol. No obsessing over alcohol. No dry skin from too much alcohol. No concerns over if i have enough alcohol. No losing friendships. There are so many many many life changes. Raising my life condition one day at a time.
The rewards are endless. The sober days are worth it. The empowerment is palatable. My health is my greatest wealth.

I am in a time in my sobriety where relapse has taken place in the past. The relapse has happened close to the one year mark.
My mindset and thoughts are completely different now. I have not thought of drinking and have not had any AV activity. The thought of alcohol makes me slightly nauseous. Like the nausea one would experience after a night of over consumption.

Im so happy to be here! YAY!

Thank You, SR! We are saving our lives and helping others. SO COOL!

UNITE4STRENGTH

hi Mizz. ..this was so good to read by the way. I started relapsing mentally just after I achieved my first one year.....perhaps I just wanted a break. But there is no break, only a pause. It's a commitment for life, right?! We deserve to keep the excellent life that we chose to create for ourselves.