Hevyn

Let's hope this is the end of the chaos. It's never going to be worth it, Max - as you already know. I'm glad you're more determined now.

Sober45

Glad to see you back Maximus and really happy to hear things have settled...especially for your children.

When I quit in Jan 2020, my daughter was a mess. She had left school and spent 99% of her time in her bedroom. In total, she spent almost 3 years isolated in her room. I can't even explain how bad it was. And what did I do? I let her start drinking with me when she turned 17. She learned a horrible lesson in how to deal with anxiety through alcohol. What a mom, hey? It was just that she was on me so much about my drinking I couldn't take it anymore. We had some fun times, and some really really disastrous ones. At the end of it, she stopped making eye contact with me and wouldn't touch me anymore.

Fast forward to today and all of that has changed. Sobriety has changed everything around because I'm the solid support she always needed. She's not anxious, because I'm not anxious (most of the time). She has blossomed into a fully functioning adult who works full time and even buys her own food! And she swears she will never drink (we'll see, she's 19).

You know it takes time. More than a year to achieve these kinds of results. The last 6 months in particular, have been unreal for me. Good things do happen. You got this!

SouthernSober

Looking forward to it! SS

clara73

I'm... very newly sober, but as a binge drinker have gone through periods of sobriety before. Does anyone think it's possible for us to "drink like normal" at some point, to learn moderation? Can we have champagne at a wedding, or is it a never again thing?

doggonecarl

Welcome, Clara.

No, I don't think so. If you could drink normally, don't you think you would? Given all you've tried?

It doesn't help my recovery to think about one day drinking normally. That's not the reason I quit drinking. I didn't quit so I could have one. I quit so I could have none.

Hevyn

Clara - It's so good to have you with us.
For me, it wasn't possible to be a social drinker once I'd cross the line & began abusing it. I spent many years, & put myself in danger trying to prove I could control what I drank. It never worked. There was a time, many years ago, when I could have a couple drinks & leave it alone. Over time, I became dependent on it & was drinking every day. I'm glad you're taking a look at what it's doing to your life. Hope you'll keep posting.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Clara

I tried for years to keep alcohol in my life and not let it control me. I'm sure you have too.
As much as not drinking ever again scared me I knew I had to try - turns out it's a lot easier than trying to drink.

I love my life now

You'll find a lot of support and understanding here. Feel free to start your own thread too

D

clara73

Thank you everyone for being so welcoming and sharing your experiences! I'm really glad to find this community.

Hodd

The champagne thing is a good question I’ve often thought about, although I was never into champagne and wonder how people get a taste for it. I’m coming up to 1000 days sober, and I reckon if I had a glass of champagne out of politeness or whatever reason, I’d probably be OK that day (that’s just me, others would have several more). The next evening, though, I’d get cravings for a drink. All ex-drinkers get some periodic cravings, but my post-champagne craving would be way stronger. At the very least, I’d spend a few uncomfortable weeks withdrawing from that feeling, but the statistics show I’d probably relapse and end up as my former sorry self.

Our brain chemistry and pathways have been irreversibly altered by years of drinking, and this is the really bad news as we’re almost programmed to relapse. With that in mind, that glass of champagne is very likely to have catastrophic consequences. It’s my worst nightmare to return to drinking - it should be the worst nightmare of anyone reading this - and avoiding that first drink is the only way to keep the great life an ex-drinker can have 🙂

clara73

Hodd-- first of all, congratulations on coming up 1000 days sober, that's amazing. And I'm glad I'm not the only one wondering about that! I hear what you're saying about cravings. I guess because this is so new, I just wonder about being able to moderate in the future. It's hard to imagine not ever drinking again. So thank you, for your advice, I really appreciate it

SouthernSober

"It's hard to imagine not ever drinking again." Yes it is. That's why as far as I know, everyone with long term sobriety emphasizes "one day at a time."

Like so many things about drinking and quitting drinking--it's a model for life as a whole as well. It's tricky but necessary to stay present, take it one day at a time, but also have routines, plans, and goals for the long term.

clara73

SouthernSober, this might sound dumb, but never quite put it together like that-- one day at a time. Thank you.

BeABetterMan

Hey Max, you doing ok?

Buckley3

Good news!

A couple of things to ponder:

- Research demonstrates that when an addict or substance abuser relapses they pick up where they left off regardless of how much time has passed. I know that's true for my sake - prior to current my previous best sober stretch was 1 1/2 years. When I fell off the wagon it took no time at all to be right back at the same levels of consumption and the same patterns of behavior. Seems to me that makes relapse particularly dangerous.

- I can relate to your posts in a big way. I was a binger. I'd go hard for a day or two and then sometimes it would be 3-4 weeks before I'd do it again. What I finally realized is that those periods of 'sobriety' weren't really periods of 'sobriety.' They were periods of damage control. I'd drink, blow **** up, then sober up for a period while I let relationships mend, bank account recover a bit, feelings of guilt and shame fade, etc.. As soon as things appeared stable again boom... I'd restart the cycle. There's a difference between abstaining and being sober. I finally realized it was all the same thing - I was a drunk - even when I was abstaining.

The only real solution is to get sober. Anything else is just delaying the inevitable crash.

-B

UNITE4STRENGTH

GO FOR IT!!!!!! ....me too. I recently lapsed after 14 months, grrr. Onwards & upwards!!!!

Fusion

Max, you can do this if you want to, you have the power to overlde those drinking thoughts/cravings! They will lessen, as each one is ignored, as you may know.

Clara, welcome, I'm glad you're here!

UNITE4STRENGTH

9 minutes in......😉

Cornishman

After relapsing many times and currently being off the drink; I can honestly say, it isn't worth having even one drink - it gives nothing and takes everything. BUT I can't say with certainty that I won't drink again; when I've relapsed, I've often had no idea why - it feels as if the alcohol pushes aside everything else in my mind and blocks out all the arguments against it. I suppose I'll just try to be readier for those moments. Stay aware and don't give the drink the chance to step in.

DriGuy

How could alcohol push aside everything else, if you have not yet relapsed? Is it true what we often hear that the "relapse happens long before we take the first drink." If this is true, it seems like you are not taking steps early enough to prevent the relapse. You may need to be more vigilant and make vigilance part of your plan. You have the power to control this. You never have to take the first drink. That is always a choice, and you need to make that a habit. You do that by continually exercising your decision not to drink. That is how it felt to me when I found myself struggling against sobriety. Winning that struggle, makes the next struggle easier, until it becomes automatic.

Cornishman

Determination to quit ('will power') is important. However, making it sound so simple can lead people to believe that it is their own weakness that is the problem. How many times do we hear alcoholics dismissed as people who have no will power, self-control etc.? If it were as simple as that, there would not be so many of us around! We have to recognise that alcoholism is a physiological disease with a mixture of genetic and psychiatric causes. Making decisions and staying vigilant are important, but becoming an alcoholic and relapsing are not simply about those things.