cusper

BeABetterman,
That is awful! That your mom should text you that?!! It's absolutely heartbreaking. And yes I so agree, that as alcoholics to begin drinking again might just lead to death but carrying on the pain for our children and people who love us to bear. Everyday I keep so vigilant over my sobriety. It terrifies me to think about drinking again. It is as if my mother has not evolved at all. It's mind bending and if I am not careful I could be that.

Steely, Yes, My brother and I are each other's support systems. Without him I would have no one who could confirm my reality. Since my mom never admits a thing.. and my dad is completely avoidant and just does not engage. It is my brother who I call. And he calls me. I feel really really lucky to have him in my life. It is so good that you are aware so when you raise your daughter the cycle won't continue.

And DriGuy, That is the question isn't it? If the benefits of leaving my mother for good outweighs the cost of keeping her in it. At this point, I would have to say that I just feel better when I don't have to deal with her. She is very sneaky with her abuse with the exception of when she is hammered at which point she is just nauseating and repetitive. All I know is that when I spend any amount of time with her I always come home feeling bad about myself. Your post was very helpful. I think I had convinced myself that she had improved over the years but she has just managed to be more crafty so I would have a hard time pinpointing what happened... Or I just simply wanted to believe she had changed. But hell no, she's ridiculous. And you know, I don't even know if she would be a decent person even without the booze. There would be no way of knowing since really, this is all I have known of her.

Steely

Glad you have good relationship with your brother cusper

I have a similar relationship with my sister.

It is really important to me.

We were both brought up by same parents, and she's aware of our family dynamics. It helps.

DriGuy

Fortunately, this is not a decision that has to be made now or never. I didn't make the decision until I eventually recognized the situation as hopeless, and even then, it was not a struggle to decide. It was more like I was exhausted and I surrendered. As it often is when someone vacillates on a course of action, it was a relief when I finally decided. I wondered if there might eventually be some sort of unexpected consequence from my action, but there was none. I just felt relief. When I heard he had died, I felt no regret. I just recognized his inevitable passing, and re-experienced some of that original feeling of relief. I was beyond his grasp.

biminiblue

Yeah, it can be all or nothing but it doesn't have to be.

I moved 1500 miles away from my mother when I was about 19. We couldn't even really be in the same room together for any length of time. I'm sure she thought it was me - and I definitely thought it was her. Regardless, it was 18 years of living with her alone (only child, single mother) and I was d.o.n.e.

We rarely talked, not even on the phone. Maybe three or four times a year for 20 minutes or so. I would frequently just avoid her calls. It forced us both to grow up. Be our own people. Not be so enmeshed.

In time (like a decade) we were mostly able to talk without one or both of us getting butthurt - but there were still a lot of jabs coming from her. I knew it would never change so it became for me just an exercise in self-control and letting go. That in itself was a big deal. In each instance, all I could do is leave or hang up or ignore the jabs. Those were my choices. Ignoring was easiest and the least disruptive to my Serenity. Things can't escalate if it's one-sided. Seems most people just want the last word. I'm happy to give it if it means the discussion ends.

Some relationships just are super difficult. In the end when she died I still wished it had been different. It wasn't. It was tolerable, but only because I stopped reacting to her particular brand of crazy.

Pretty sure she still thought it was me, though.

Aellyce

I didn't have similar experience with my parents but have always kept a solid distance from some of my other relatives that I consider not good influences and relations for me. Now that my parents (who were never abusive or even demanding and we had pretty good relationship) are dead, plus I am an only child without a family of my own, sometimes wish I had more meaningful connections with my cousins or would have others to connect with. But I just have almost nothing in common with the relatives that still exist except the blood line, and some are much more effed up than me with my secret alcohol problem... So no thanks, and I don't regret it. I keep a solid distance even for much less than abuse or their making me feel bad, simply because there isn't much common ground other than genes, and whenever I tried to get a bit closer as an adult, eventually they ended up constantly complaining about their financial difficulties, hinting (or directly asking for) support... I gave them a few times, sometimes pretty significant, but just don't see much effort from them to better their situations and I am not interested in (materially or mentally) supporting a "charity" I don't believe in, even if they are biologically related to me.

What I'm trying to suggest: don't feel guilty for loosening or cutting ties with people that are not good influences for you and demand things you would not naturally want to provide, especially if they don't even appreciate it and just keep taking. Life is tough and, ultimately, no one can really save others if they don't want to change or improve. I think many of us with addictions have experienced this on our end as well and, while it may feel frustrating while receiving such detachment, it's ultimately healthier for everyone.

novips

I think it's important to disentangle some issues here.

(1) Do you owe your mom an amend for losing it on her? From what you've written here, it sounds like the answer to that question is likely "yes".

(2) Are you clear that your anger/resentment towards your mom is your issue, not hers? One way of getting some clarity on that is to realize that you could have reacted differently even if she did everything the same, which means you alone are responsible for your reactions (including particularly your anger and resentment).

(3) How do you deal with the issues you describe in terms of you and your son spending time with your mom? Once you have quieted your disturbance and made any necessary amends, you'll be able to make much better decisions regarding this issue.

I don't know whether or to what extent you rely on A.A. for your sobriety, but some of the ways we quiet our disturbances in A.A. are prayer, meditation, inventory, meetings, and discussing our disturbances with our sponsor.

cusper

Hey Bimini!
The same here. At 17 I was bursting to get out of the house and I had no intention of going back. However I had my brother and my father who also had to endure her wrath, you being an only child I can't even imagine how hard that must have been. I have spent my entire life hoping for something different. Just as she hoped for someone who was just going to agree with everything she says. I don't know if I have it in me to put up with the jabs. She is a very calculating person and frankly she has her friends and a life so, I am sure she will do just fine.

Hi Aellyce,
I can see exactly why you would want to stay far away from those people. And ultimately you cannot force relationships to happen. However in your case it is especially bad because they were trying to get money from you. That would further increase distrust. My mother would use the line, "blood is thicker than water"- to hell it is. I left my family young and foraged ahead and made genuine relationships. It was only the last 10 years where I let her in because she had wanted a grandchild so badly and I gave her another chance.

Hi Novips,
I probably shouldn't have exploded on her but I am not sorry at all. I am sorry I let her back into my life. It's been a long time coming and nobody stands up to that woman. She uses guilt and manipulation to get what she wants and I called her on it. She told me that my father is dying to get us to come over there (she has done this many times and we have dropped our lives only to have the person be perfectly fine). She is a complete narcissist. I believe that leaving her will help me quiet my mind for sure. Since I spoke my truth to her there has been a bit of relief. My brother finally had to call it quits from her and he spends thousands on therapy because of the chaos we grew up in. I only reconnected with her because I thought I would give her a second chance because she wanted a grand child so much. I didn't think she would subject him to the same things we had growing up. I am not in A.A. however I am interested in reading the big book and doing the steps. I am not interested, however in having a fake relationship with a person only on their terms. It's not going to happen. And that is not a real relationship. It's been only a couple of weeks since I got upset and seriously she had to hear what I had to say. One day when I have calmed down and can think clearly I might be able to arrange semi-supervised visits for my child. She won't be permitted to drink around him.