Polaroid

Sometimes I wonder if I have ad/hd, or my hyperexa---- [never mind, can't spell it without copy-pasting] may just be the fact that I've been numbing myself for so long with alcohol, suddenly all the feelings are coming back. I can't sleep because I can't wait for tomorrow, there's so much to do!

It's kinda messed up, really... I remember a few years back, I felt the exact same way. I was sober for a few months, couldn't wait until the next day because I,
a(either had to finish something), or
b(something or someone was waiting for me)
c(I was going some place, visit a friend or whatever)

Can anyone relate in early recovery?

Dee74

I dunno about anyone else but I think it's normal, based on my experience.
Its not everyday but I often get that sense that anything is possible (in a good way) when I get up in the morning

D

ScottFromWI

I think it's quite common for us to realize things about ourselves after we quit drinking, both good and bad. After all, alcohol is a powerful central nervous system depressant drug, and anytime you remove something that - especially daily use - your mind takes a good while to readjust. Not only that, but you get a lot of extreme high/lows in the process - whether that be anxiety, depression, or what have you - your brain chemistry is literally hunting for a new baseline.

My underlying condition was anxiety and OCD related, and indeed after a while of being sober I needed to treat the anxiety as a separate distinct issue.

I think it's fantastic that you are in the position you are now Polaroid, some of the posts you made here over the years when you were drinking were downright frightful as it related to your condition and state of mind. That you are here with this level of self awareness is remarkable and you should give yourself some credit for that.

TheHook210

I know exactly what you mean and feel the same quite a bit. But, to be totally honest I like it. Even if my busy mind keeps me up later than usual I find I am still much more able to cope with the day a bit tired than I was when hungover and in a fog. My energy level tripled at about week to and I’ve been riding it ever since. I try to embrace the energy as best I can.

Polaroid

Thanks. I suppose that's why I have finally, finally decided to quit. I was terrified of dying, until I got a checkup. The message I heard from the Dr was basically "You're fine, got some broken ribs, they may hurt for a while, but please stop drinking.".

So I'm okay, so far... that friggin AV made me make the wrong the decision the other day though.

Dee74

The day things changed for me was when I learned I didn't have to listen to that voice in my head...I could ignore it or defy it, and things would not only turn out ok, they would turn out better for me in the long run.

The AV is essentially powerless. It needs me - my cooperation, my arms and legs, to get what it wants.
The inner addict, the AV, call it what you will, can't do jack to me if I refuse to cooperate.

D

Polaroid

Right, it does actually need me to co-operate with it.
.... But I mean, what if you are in some sort of "I don't care" state because of some crap that has happened, say, losing 9K$ in a day, now that's so depressing it gets me in that state & I'll do whatever the brain tells you, sort of like a zombie.

Dee74

Sure - but what if not caring is another manifestation of addiction - if we don;t care what happens, it makes it easier to drink.
You have to learn to start caring about what happens to you.

You mentioned your dog in another thread. I know he's gone now but I'm sure he loved you, thought his job was to protect you, and thought you were the most valuable thing in the world.

Wouldn't it be great to love ourselves a little more like our dogs love us?

D

Polaroid

You know, D, I've always been a people and animal lover. I care more about others than I do about myself.

... until I felt I was dying some 10 days ago, I really thought this was it. That's what made me the final decision to just, quit.... stop hurting myself. I never saw it coming, but does it really have to go to those extremes?

I realized though, that I do care about myself. Evidently more than I realized.

(Delete this if it's too disturbing) My D.O.D. could have been in 2003. Literally one step and I would be dead, standing on a solid branch of a tree with a noose around my neck. I checked the weight, checked it could hold me in a free fall, tall enough for my neck to just snap.

Now, I'm glad I didn't take that step, I feel there are lots of great things for ME ahead. I just hope that feeling is right. What needs to get the hell out of my life though, is alcohol. Even though I had a little relapse a couple days ago, I've quit. I'm done.

Dee74

I think a lot of us have been in similar situations Polaroid.
Like you I'm glad I stayed around. The bad times I thought would last forever never did.

D

ThatWasTheOldMe

Alcohol significantly interacts with every part of your brain.
It can change your personality, behaviors, and general demeanor over time.
So can abruptly stopping the pattern of abuse.

This is a good thing

Steely

I'm glad you didn't take that step in 2003 Polaroid.

Lots of great things to do in this life when we're sober.

dustyfox

Hi Polaroid -yes I had/have the slightly manic energy since I stopped, I almost cant wait to finish sleeping so I can wake up. I think it's part of my body and mind readjusting -

The 'Don't care, don't give a dam' attitude - well that is your AV Nasty isn't he/she) - Would I open my little fox's mouth and pour poison into her - nope

DriGuy

I like being excited about things. That's normal, but it can be distracting when you know you have other things that need your attention. If what you are feeling is the same thing I've felt at times, it might be a good thing to moderate somewhat. Excitement is good, but too much may be mania, which can sometimes lead to bad decisions. I think it's good you are thinking about this. I'd hate to see you getting to feel so good that you need to have a drink to settle down. That would be really about the most unproductive thing that you could do.

Sober45

Hello Polaroid, The feeling of impending "greater things" is the TRUTH that lies ahead if you choose to stay sober. You can believe it.

You know it's going to take a lot of time to undo 10 years of alcohol damage. But let me tell you, I am at the point now where I can wake up in the morning and go about my day without intrusive thoughts of drinking. It's pretty amazing to have this level of freedom. Not only that, Polaroid, but once you get the booze eliminated from your life, you'll be in a better position to deal with other addiction issues. Honestly I think many of us are dealing with duo addictions.

Everything readjusts over time.

Take Care

Steely

"I can do anything in this world I want, except drink." - old bloke in AA.

Made sense to me at the time, hope it does same for you Polaroid,

Dee74

How goes it Polaroid?

D

Polaroid

Messed up again, as usual.
The problem now the docs here are so anal (if I can use that term) - they won't give me a proper tapering plan from benzos. I've been addicted to them for about 15 years - and all they've done is help me - alcohol has done nothing but destroy me.

I don't mean to endorse any drugs, but they don't seem to get it. I don't get why health "professionals" can't seem to understand that people are different. While I think that's the exact think I think they need to understand. They just follow protocol, and I'm really getting sick of this.

Edit: But thank you all here for your support.

Dee74

If you don't want to continue with benzoes, the gold standard in benzo taper still seems to be The Ashton Method.
https://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/

I'm not your doctor though.
Have a look through that and then go back to your doctor, or find a new one.

If you still want to stay on benzoes - I agree we're all different, but I've never heard of a 'good addiction'.
it is entirely possible benzo use could be making it harder for you to stay sober.

D

ThatWasTheOldMe

I look forward to going to work every day because I contribute to projects in a meaningful way that would be impossible if I was still drinking.