Why do I keep messing up?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 365
Why do I keep messing up?
Hi everyone, I'm back after screwing up once again. I don't understand why I keep doing this. Life is so much better sober. I know it. I hate alcohol. I hate the person I am once a little alcohol gets in my blood.
So why do I keep doing this, falling back in the same old trap, swirling down the same toilet again and again?
Wanting to quit again almost since the day I picked up again, but I have continued drinking. Do I hate myself? Am I stupid? Do I have some death wish nobody told me about?
Of all the hellish aspects of this condition, the most hellish for me is the compulsive part of it. I know darn well it's awful, but I do it anyway. Am I possessed? The only way to fix it is to fix myself, but it feels like it's coming from outside of myself. My self knows what I should be doing and wants to do that. Why can't I listen to myself (and everybody else)?
Ugh. Day One again. Thanks for listening.
So why do I keep doing this, falling back in the same old trap, swirling down the same toilet again and again?
Wanting to quit again almost since the day I picked up again, but I have continued drinking. Do I hate myself? Am I stupid? Do I have some death wish nobody told me about?
Of all the hellish aspects of this condition, the most hellish for me is the compulsive part of it. I know darn well it's awful, but I do it anyway. Am I possessed? The only way to fix it is to fix myself, but it feels like it's coming from outside of myself. My self knows what I should be doing and wants to do that. Why can't I listen to myself (and everybody else)?
Ugh. Day One again. Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
Hi I'mNotThatGuy - A few thoughts for you on ways to manage your recovery, as I too struggled with relapse after relapse over many years
- I had never heard of the 'addictive voice' before I joined this forum - but understanding it has helped more than anything else ever has - Maybe you already know about it?
You wrote - So why do I keep doing this, falling back in the same old trap, swirling down the same toilet again and again?
Someone here explained to me that it is the 'addictive voice' urging us to drink - tricking you into thinking that alcohol will make you feel better.
You wrote - 'Wanting to quit again almost since the day I picked up again, but I have continued drinking. Do I hate myself? Am I stupid? Do I have some death wish nobody told me about?'
Again it is the 'addictive voice' tricking you, persuading you that drinking will make life feel good, take away problems and all the other reasons it comes up with for making you drink. So once you recognise that it's not you, but the addictive voice urging you to drink you can start to learn to recognise it and tell it t stop - recognise it's tricks and lies. You know it's a waste of time, but your AV is clever and will persuade you it's not all bad when you drink - listen out for it's tricks and lies and make sure you squash them flat!
I suppose it's a way of taking back control and separating yourself from the AV. There are threads here which I found amazingly helpful. They are in the Secular recovery section. Anyway I have used this technique and have found it the best thing I have ever used. I am on 4 weeks sober now after 30 plus years of drinking.
- I had never heard of the 'addictive voice' before I joined this forum - but understanding it has helped more than anything else ever has - Maybe you already know about it?
You wrote - So why do I keep doing this, falling back in the same old trap, swirling down the same toilet again and again?
Someone here explained to me that it is the 'addictive voice' urging us to drink - tricking you into thinking that alcohol will make you feel better.
You wrote - 'Wanting to quit again almost since the day I picked up again, but I have continued drinking. Do I hate myself? Am I stupid? Do I have some death wish nobody told me about?'
Again it is the 'addictive voice' tricking you, persuading you that drinking will make life feel good, take away problems and all the other reasons it comes up with for making you drink. So once you recognise that it's not you, but the addictive voice urging you to drink you can start to learn to recognise it and tell it t stop - recognise it's tricks and lies. You know it's a waste of time, but your AV is clever and will persuade you it's not all bad when you drink - listen out for it's tricks and lies and make sure you squash them flat!
I suppose it's a way of taking back control and separating yourself from the AV. There are threads here which I found amazingly helpful. They are in the Secular recovery section. Anyway I have used this technique and have found it the best thing I have ever used. I am on 4 weeks sober now after 30 plus years of drinking.
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Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Hi ImNotThatGuy. Do you have any in-person support such as a group or a therapist? Is treatment an option for you? The compulsion is indeed such a difficult part of this thing. Each day for thousands of days, I would swear off drinking and then be drinking 10 minutes later. It was maddening.
Take care of yourself on Day 1. Take things a few minutes at a time at first. If you find yourself in that moment, just take a minute and think it through. A wise poster here on SR once observed that initially, this thing might not be one day at a time - it might be 15 minutes at a time. So true.
Keep checking in.
Take care of yourself on Day 1. Take things a few minutes at a time at first. If you find yourself in that moment, just take a minute and think it through. A wise poster here on SR once observed that initially, this thing might not be one day at a time - it might be 15 minutes at a time. So true.
Keep checking in.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Posts: 173
Originally Posted by ImNotThatGuy 
I don't understand why I keep doing this.
I am only just getting a handle on my addiction now (almost a year).I think understanding yourself is key. Once I found what my strongest motivator for quitting was...fear of ruining health, work and what relationships I had left OR the promise of a better work, family life health, physical appearance etc I could make a plan that worked for me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 365
dustyfox:
Thanks for reminding me. I used AVRT successfully for a while. I should probably try that again.
Surrendered19
I do not have any in-person support, and that has been extremely difficult as one of my main triggers is the whole videoconferencing culture. I hate it beyond words. Online AA meetings don't do anything except make me want to drink. Most therapists are doing video only around here still.
I suppose I could do inpatient rehab, but it's overkill for me because I'm not the kind of person who can't be trusted with mouthwash or whatever. All rehab does is makes me feel like I'm not that bad (which I'm not compared to most of the folks in there). I don't drink every day, but when I do drink, it's too much.
Thanks for reminding me. I used AVRT successfully for a while. I should probably try that again.
Surrendered19
Hi ImNotThatGuy. Do you have any in-person support such as a group or a therapist? Is treatment an option for you? The compulsion is indeed such a difficult part of this thing. Each day for thousands of days, I would swear off drinking and then be drinking 10 minutes later. It was maddening.
I suppose I could do inpatient rehab, but it's overkill for me because I'm not the kind of person who can't be trusted with mouthwash or whatever. All rehab does is makes me feel like I'm not that bad (which I'm not compared to most of the folks in there). I don't drink every day, but when I do drink, it's too much.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Addiction is hard to recover from. Very hard. I've been in the recovery arena for over a decade. On and off and up and down.
Its been quite the ride.
I think the continued drinking is a part of recovery for some. Even though I told myself I was no longer going to consume alcohol, I found myself using on many many occasions and wondering how and why and beating myself up over it. In the end the drinking became something that was devastating. I was stuck until I was not.
Create a plan for your time. Structure. The first few weeks were really hard for me but I stayed the course and kept with structure.
Logging on here and being a part of this community has been one of my main tools in sobriety.
You can change your life with determination, perseverance and a firm belief that you will recover from active alcoholism. You have the ability to create and live a life you are proud to live. Nothing is impossible here. We are here for you!
Its been quite the ride.
I think the continued drinking is a part of recovery for some. Even though I told myself I was no longer going to consume alcohol, I found myself using on many many occasions and wondering how and why and beating myself up over it. In the end the drinking became something that was devastating. I was stuck until I was not.
Create a plan for your time. Structure. The first few weeks were really hard for me but I stayed the course and kept with structure.
Logging on here and being a part of this community has been one of my main tools in sobriety.
You can change your life with determination, perseverance and a firm belief that you will recover from active alcoholism. You have the ability to create and live a life you are proud to live. Nothing is impossible here. We are here for you!
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Why do I keep messing up?
You provided the answer yourself in your very first post to SR:
That's it.
That doesn't mean you are destined to drink forever. But until you figure out the solution and apply it, you will continue to drink. I take it you dismissed the idea of rehab? Perhaps reconsider.
You provided the answer yourself in your very first post to SR:
Originally Posted by ImNotThatGuy
...I know that I am an alcoholic in the sense that I have no control once I pick up a drink,
That doesn't mean you are destined to drink forever. But until you figure out the solution and apply it, you will continue to drink. I take it you dismissed the idea of rehab? Perhaps reconsider.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 527
I posted the below in response to someone else who relapsed. Then I reposted it within the last two days in response to another person who relapsed. Reposting again here in case it helps. If nothing else, these are good reminders for me.
Your experience is very common. As the Big Book describes it:
At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected. The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
And yet:
There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.
I have come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic whose only hope is Alcoholics Anonymous -- and I am one of those alcoholics. PM me if you want to chat more about that.
Your experience is very common. As the Big Book describes it:
At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected. The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink. Our so-called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink.
And yet:
There is a solution. Almost none of us liked the self-searching, the leveling of our pride, the confession of shortcomings which the process requires for its successful consummation. But we saw that it really worked in others, and we had come to believe in the hopelessness and futility of life as we had been living it. When, therefore, we were approached by those in whom the problem had been solved, there was nothing left for us but to pick up the simple kit of spiritual tools laid at our feet.
I have come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic whose only hope is Alcoholics Anonymous -- and I am one of those alcoholics. PM me if you want to chat more about that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
I just listened to “Alcohol Explained” by William Porter this past week—I thought I had a pretty solid understanding of psychology and physical impact of drinking, but this book really did connect a few dots of why I kept choosing to relapse, despite not wanting to, knowing it would not be rewarding for more than a few minutes, and that I could never stop at one drink. So we drink more—a lot more for most of us, right?
We all know that even though the first drink is deeply craved, it wears off so quickly we keep going, because in fact we feel more anxious and worse after just one because our body, due to our past patterns of over-drinking, releases stimulants to offset the (anticipated) depressive effect of the alcohol. So if we were anxious and stressed, we are even more so after a drink or two, and thus we actually feel worse—more stressed and anxious from the stimulants as well as the original causes craving / drive to take the first drink.
Porter suggests that our subconscious mind gets conditioned over time to the idea that another drink is the only thing that will “fix” things, and then another, and another due to delay time of getting the “hit” from the booze. This is the downward spiral all of us know too well. We end up drinking way more than we planned, and this in a nutshell is why we cannot moderate drinking ever, even if there are decades between the relapses.
The subconscious mind doesn’t forget—and we are right back where we left off or worse. The only drink we really have “control” over is the first one for a true addict. So not taking that one is the key—and the next steps are reprogramming of how we deal with stress in a healthier ways to take us further down the path to healing ourselves.
It isn’t hopeless, it is just making new patterns for our lives—better ones, in fact. . .
We all know that even though the first drink is deeply craved, it wears off so quickly we keep going, because in fact we feel more anxious and worse after just one because our body, due to our past patterns of over-drinking, releases stimulants to offset the (anticipated) depressive effect of the alcohol. So if we were anxious and stressed, we are even more so after a drink or two, and thus we actually feel worse—more stressed and anxious from the stimulants as well as the original causes craving / drive to take the first drink.
Porter suggests that our subconscious mind gets conditioned over time to the idea that another drink is the only thing that will “fix” things, and then another, and another due to delay time of getting the “hit” from the booze. This is the downward spiral all of us know too well. We end up drinking way more than we planned, and this in a nutshell is why we cannot moderate drinking ever, even if there are decades between the relapses.
The subconscious mind doesn’t forget—and we are right back where we left off or worse. The only drink we really have “control” over is the first one for a true addict. So not taking that one is the key—and the next steps are reprogramming of how we deal with stress in a healthier ways to take us further down the path to healing ourselves.
It isn’t hopeless, it is just making new patterns for our lives—better ones, in fact. . .
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Join Date: Jun 2021
Location: Florida
Posts: 2,077
Unfortunately some addicts are like bottom less pits there is no rock bottom for them. Fortunately I hit rock bottom and I'm grateful for it because I think it changed one very important thing for me...My willingness to change...You can stop if you have a good plan and your willing!!
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Location: Wisconsin, USA
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Originally Posted by ImNotThatGuy
I suppose I could do inpatient rehab, but it's overkill for me because I'm not the kind of person who can't be trusted with mouthwash or whatever. All rehab does is makes me feel like I'm not that bad (which I'm not compared to most of the folks in there). I don't drink every day, but when I do drink, it's too much.
You started off the thread asking why you keep doing this and that you don't understand why. Very likely it's because you are an alcoholic - and we are all that "kind of person" in the end. Just because you aren't drinking mouthwash doesn't make you any less of an alcoholic than "most of those folks" that you meet in rehab.
I'ts a tough thing to accept - addiction - but until you do and continue to think of yourself as somehow unique, you'll likely continue down the same path you are now.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,517
The reason you do this is not coming from outside of you. You're doing it because you're an alcoholic. The way to stop the obsessive/compulsion is to not drink, no matter what. And, you can stop and recover. It might help to sit down and make a specific plan for what you can do the next time you have a craving. Be prepared and get through it sober, and next time will be easier.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
Originally Posted by ImNotThatGuy
Do I hate myself? Am I stupid? Do I have some death wish nobody told me about?
It took me a while to figure out it was actually my AV asking me those questions. Because If you hate yourself, or if you're stupid, or if you have a death wish - well then...why NOT drink? If you're flawed to the point that you can't be saved (or you're not worth it) then there's no point in sobriety.
My AV is a liar and a thief. It would murder me if I let it.
I stopped feeding it and my life got better.
I highly recommend it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Location: East Coast US
Posts: 1,832
Originally Posted by ImNotThatGuy
Hi everyone, I'm back after screwing up once again. I don't understand why I keep doing this. Life is so much better sober. I know it. I hate alcohol. I hate the person I am once a little alcohol gets in my blood.
So why do I keep doing this, falling back in the same old trap, swirling down the same toilet again and again?
Of all the hellish aspects of this condition, the most hellish for me is the compulsive part of it. I know darn well it's awful, but I do it anyway. Am I possessed? The only way to fix it is to fix myself, but it feels like it's coming from outside of myself. My self knows what I should be doing and wants to do that. Why can't I listen to myself (and everybody else)?
Ugh. Day One again. Thanks for listening.
So why do I keep doing this, falling back in the same old trap, swirling down the same toilet again and again?
Of all the hellish aspects of this condition, the most hellish for me is the compulsive part of it. I know darn well it's awful, but I do it anyway. Am I possessed? The only way to fix it is to fix myself, but it feels like it's coming from outside of myself. My self knows what I should be doing and wants to do that. Why can't I listen to myself (and everybody else)?
Ugh. Day One again. Thanks for listening.
Play the tape all the way to the end.
I have read William Porter's book "Alcohol Explained" and it is very very good. You might check that out as well. Sometimes the scientific knowledge of what it's doing to your body is an added reinforcement.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 80
Originally Posted by ImNotThatGuy
Hi everyone, I'm back after screwing up once again. I don't understand why I keep doing this. Life is so much better sober. I know it. I hate alcohol. I hate the person I am once a little alcohol gets in my blood.
So why do I keep doing this, falling back in the same old trap, swirling down the same toilet again and again?
Wanting to quit again almost since the day I picked up again, but I have continued drinking. Do I hate myself? Am I stupid? Do I have some death wish nobody told me about?
Of all the hellish aspects of this condition, the most hellish for me is the compulsive part of it. I know darn well it's awful, but I do it anyway. Am I possessed? The only way to fix it is to fix myself, but it feels like it's coming from outside of myself. My self knows what I should be doing and wants to do that. Why can't I listen to myself (and everybody else)?
Ugh. Day One again. Thanks for listening.
So why do I keep doing this, falling back in the same old trap, swirling down the same toilet again and again?
Wanting to quit again almost since the day I picked up again, but I have continued drinking. Do I hate myself? Am I stupid? Do I have some death wish nobody told me about?
Of all the hellish aspects of this condition, the most hellish for me is the compulsive part of it. I know darn well it's awful, but I do it anyway. Am I possessed? The only way to fix it is to fix myself, but it feels like it's coming from outside of myself. My self knows what I should be doing and wants to do that. Why can't I listen to myself (and everybody else)?
Ugh. Day One again. Thanks for listening.
Day one for me too. Again. Here we go...
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by birddawg
I am not trying to piggy back on the OP's post, but as I am sitting here trying to come up with my first post on the forum I read what he posted and I couldn't put my thoughts into words any better than he wrote. Well done sir. I am active on various forums and some are more relaxed than others as far as staying on topic versus just letting the conversations go where go. If I broke any rules or stepped on toes, please let me know.
Day one for me too. Again. Here we go...
Day one for me too. Again. Here we go...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2021
Location: Charleston, SC
Posts: 80
I didnt do anything to quit rather than just willpower, which I lack when it comes to this. I am going to go visit my family Wednesday and they don't drink so that will make it easy, and when I get back in town I am going to go start seeing a therapist who came referred and she specializes in addiction counseling and depression. I am looking forward to it. I have to do something different bc me trying to wing it alone isn't working.
I have noticed that as a common theme here from the members that have gotten their lives back is they didnt do it alone. This forum is great and I have been lurking for a few months, but I see it as a tool in the toolkit. To do a good job, you need various tools. I am hoping the therapist helps. The support that y'all show each other here is truly great, and it has helped my by not feeling alone and like a piece of garbage. I'm not. None of us are. We just struggle with alcohol.
I have noticed that as a common theme here from the members that have gotten their lives back is they didnt do it alone. This forum is great and I have been lurking for a few months, but I see it as a tool in the toolkit. To do a good job, you need various tools. I am hoping the therapist helps. The support that y'all show each other here is truly great, and it has helped my by not feeling alone and like a piece of garbage. I'm not. None of us are. We just struggle with alcohol.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Back in the USA
Posts: 2,661
Imnotthatguy, I have to keep checking in here to be reminded by folks (who never seem to get tired of telling me) that things will get better if I just hang in there and not drink! The paws, anxiety, depression, restlessness, and insomnia were so bad, I couldn’t stand it!
But my checking in here for support was met with tremendous encouragement that kept me going. I also want to encourage you to keep faithful that sobriety will reward you with a calm, peaceful wellbeing that will one day transcend all desire to drink.
Hang in there
But my checking in here for support was met with tremendous encouragement that kept me going. I also want to encourage you to keep faithful that sobriety will reward you with a calm, peaceful wellbeing that will one day transcend all desire to drink.
Hang in there
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