Hopingwishing

Hi all,

I want to start a thread for my accountability. I'm back on day one after drinking and acting like a crazy person yesterday. The trigger absolutely down to trying to put myself back out there online dating after my first year of sobriety. I met a guy that I really liked. We had an amazing date, but then I started to get needy. Needless to say, I have well and truly burned that bridge now after drinking yesterday and texting him drunk.

I have called in sick from work today. I feel utterly anxious and inadequate. Like I'm forever going to be single. I have reached out to my old therapist today and booked an appointment for next week. When will it begin to feel better folks?

Boondock

Howdy, loneliness can breed desperation sometimes and maybe the bridge isn't burnt who knows?? Make sure your dating other sober people though!! When will it get better? Time is the greatest healer...I hope you day gets better..

Hopingwishing

It is burnt! Basically I have been messaging him this morning explaining that I'm not in a good headspace at the moment. The relationship is super triggering for me and I need therapy. So I asked him to block me, which he has thankfully.

Just a bite of toast and taken a tablet for my anxiety. I hate myself at this moment.

Boondock

Self directed shame isn't going to help...I'm glad your back on the sober train maybe a walk in the fresh air will help.

Surrendered19

A year of sobriety is amazing HW. How many days did you drink over the dating thing? All is not lost. I think though that you have id'd a major trigger for yourself and something to really plan for and work on. Insecurity and neediness. Relationships. If a relationship is something that you absolutely need rather than something nice that happens organically and on its own, you might continue to have problems in that dynamic.

Mizz

We all have had experiences under the influence that do not represent the best of ourselves. You are going to be okay. It is good that you are getting back to being sober and walking forward. We are here for you.

advbike

Dating has always been hugely triggering for me due to the vulnerability. I have been able to do it, but for me it has to happen in a safe context that doesn't trigger strong emotions because that is a recipe for me to want a drink. Someone who is "amazing" just increases the pressure and expectations, and gets all my own insecurities going. Not to mention that language implies we are already putting them on a pedestal, or not valuing ourselves. I am amazing. You are amazing! It has always worked better for me to date people that I already knew through work (not coworkers though!) or shared activities. My longest and most satisfying relationship was with a woman whom I met when I was sailing regularly.

Hopingwishing

Thanks for your messages all. I had a friend come round after work and we chatted things through. I'm feeling exhausted but doubt I can sleep. I'm a big sweaty mess at the moment-ahhh the post alcohol shivery-sweats!

Boondock-self direct shame feels like all I have left at the moment!! LOL, seriously though, my therapist said the same thing to me too. I wish that I actually had more shame because I would've stopped messaging him looooooong ago!

I feel like an idiot, like I've really embarrassed myself. I still have irrational thoughts that I can win him back! How screwed up is that? I shouldn't want to go anywhere near him because it's put my sobriety in jeopardy!

Surrendered-I've drank four individual days in total. The first was because I got stood up. The next was on a date with this most recent guy-we went walking and he brought champagne (my AV loved him right there and then). Then I drank last week on the sly-hiding from family and trying to pretend I had a migraine so had to stay holed up in my bed (drinking wine). Then there was yesterday.

Mizz-ahh just reading you saying we're here for you made me realise what I have been missing by not keeping closer to here! Thank you!

Advbike-absolutely-the vulnerability aspect is really it for me too. It's also shone a harsh light on how tenuous a grip I had on my sobriety.

Scd619x

Well i am guessing if you have the bottle for online dating and meeting the person that you aren't planning or going to have to remain single until you die? You have touched on why you drank in your post. I had to find out what made me drink to stand a chance at long term sobriety so that could be your journey too. Imo you could look at the needy thing as soon as you are able to if you want to change how you react? You've learned a lot from this experience and thank goodness it's only been a year as it would suck if you'd been 10 years sober then learned this!!!! You won't be single forever but you may have to do things a little differently

Hevyn

Hopingwishing - Don't despair. It'll be all uphill from here because you now have further proof that it's poison to you. Remember the misery of this day & vow to never put yourself through it again. I'm so glad you posted. Keep it up - we care about you.

Anna

HopingWishing, I'm really sorry that you're feeling so down right now, and it's great that you're back here working on things. Talking to your therapist next week is a good plan.

I will offer some advice you probably won't want to hear. Work on yourself, your recovery and being the best person you can be. Take the focus off dating and relationships because it seems to be really triggering for you, as it is for many people. The right person will come along at the right time, and when he does, you will be the best version of you that you can be.

dustyfox

Your post took me back Hopingwishing to days over 16 years ago when I was dating (when online dating was still new!) and I always, always had to have many shots of vodka before I even left the house to go on a date - I would pretend to be sober - then drink more and more and often get myself entangled in really difficult situations - many embarrassing to think back on. I honestly believed that I was a better person, more attractive, funnier, more confident only once I had downed half a bottle of vodka. I was in retrospect just terrified of intimacy, or letting anyone near me, or allowing myself to be vulnerable, the alcohol was armour, a defence against being hurt. But as we know It doesn't work. It doesn't help. To find a lasting relationship ( not just casual sex) someone to feel a real connection with is sometimes hard - and alcohol will destroy any chance of it happening and working.
There is no need to feel stupid or ashamed - it's a waste of your precious time - we have all done very stupid stuff when drunk - it's one of the reasons I am here - to be a better version of myself - the me I know myself to be. You have already done so brilliantly! Don't waste it.

Hopingwishing

Day 2 here. The anxiety has eased a little. I had a long chat with one of my family about what's going on in my head. Got a few things straighter in my head especially around the role of relationships in my triggers-pretty much front and centre! I wrote down a timeline of relationships and my biggest bingey-ist periods and they're perfectly aligned. I also realised why this particular relationship threw me so much. I turned up and he'd already brought booze along without consulting me and I wasn't armed with an excuse. I didn't even think it would be on the table as we were meant to be going on a walk! I accepted because...well I'm an alcoholic but didn't want him to realise that on the first date. Anyway, dating in sobriety is something I need to really give a wide berth, until I'm secure in my sober-life.

Sorry, rambling a bit here. Scd-as for why I drink, I think that it's because I struggle to regulate my emotions and haven't done enough work on that over the last year-lockdown was actually very stress-free for me so I naively thought it was because I'd got so good with my emotions.

Anna-"you will be the best version of you that you can be" I love this!! <3 I absolutely agree with this wholeheartedly and I will have to be brutally honest with myself as to when that will be, however many years down the line it is!

Dustyfox-urghh it's the worst isn't it? I can't help but cringe at the stuff I've said on dates when I've got myself blotto because I thought I was much more fun like that! We don't need to live that again though!

Boondock

I'm glad your feeling better. I've been single for about three years now and at this point I won't date anyone that is even a light social drinker.

Hopingwishing

Thanks Boondock. Yeah, I think that’s the best way in retrospect!

MaxVano

I'm new here, on my 9th day w/o alcohol. I've been drinking for 30 years, maybe closer to 40 when I figure in all the times when I was very much underage and would go out and drink with older kids. Looking back on it, I did it to fit in. I am not sure what I can say that may help you other than I know that feeling of self loathing from giving in and going back to the booze. I do know that hating myself for it only made things worse. Please try to go easy on yourself. We all suffer the condition called being human. Hang in there.

Max

Dee74

I'm glad you made it back Hopingwishing

D

OKRunner

DustyFox, I had an AXBF but I don't drink. As a naive non-drinker, it took me a while to learn that he struggled with alcohol. You mentioned you drank before dates. Mine would always go back to his car and get gum before coming in for a date and I never could figure out why. Was that to mask any smell of alcohol? So maybe he'd had a few drinks before our dates? He knew me from a work situation, so our dates weren't blind dates or those first-time-meeting-someone-in-person-after chatting-online-type dates. We met when we worked in person together on a very involved project and we were so easy and comfortable together for hours and hours every day for several weeks. No nervousness, nothing. We talked for hours and hours every day and it was so comfortable on both ends. And at the end of that time together working on that project, I could tell we both liked each other. I don't drink and I'm not an expert in spotting people who drink, but I am very certain that he did not drink during those long hours/days/weeks of that work project.

But when he came over after the project ended, when we no longer had a work reason to see each other and the reason was "to date," it was so different. He seemed so nervous. And then he'd always have to get his gum. I'd never noticed him chewing gum in the weeks we worked together.

enaiddes

And thank you for the post. I enjoyed reading it very much.

You’re to be commended for waiting until a year of sobriety was up before trying to date again. But it sounds like you hit some major emotional bumps in the road once you had found someone you liked and the stress of this caused a relapse.

I had a terrible time with relationships when I was younger because I was such a jealous and possessive partner in a lot of cases. And alcohol was very much part of my life back then.

Your current troubles with your lack of self worth and disbelief in a future with relationships can be ironed out taking one step at a time.

You’re also to be commended for taking the steps you’ve taken to iron things out by making a therapy appointment.

You’re doing beautifully as far as I can see. You just need to be patient and wait for things to happen in their own time even if it takes awhile.

Hevyn

Thinking of you, Hopingwishing - hope it's going well so far.