Hodd

I’m coming up to 29 months sober and doing well. Small cravings pop up occasionally, but they really do fade over time. Needless to say, if I took that one drink, I’d screw my life (and my wife’s) up.

Just a new recent anecdotes from the UK demonstrates why it can be so easy to relapse.

1. We went to lunch on a friend’s boat (a barge but very nice) and upon arrival, he asked if we wanted red or white. He wasn’t bad to do this, but it never occurred to him that my wife and I don’t drink. He was quite embarrassed and routed around in the fridge for orange juice. Food was great.

2. I’m a teacher now, and I have to keep this to myself, but the health and lifestyle of some teachers is shocking. A group were talking about how much they’d drink on a night out. It was a sizeable quantity. I’m taking a 120 lb female consuming a whole bottle of wine! When I mentioned I didn’t drink (I don’t preach about it), they were amazed and asked the reasons why.

3. Made a new friend at work. It’s not often when you get older to meet a colleague you click with (maybe that’s just me), so we arranged to meet up. His words were “meet up for a beer”. Again, not an issue, but just an interesting cultural observation.

In the west, drinking is the norm alas, so we have to honest to people and point out we don’t drink. Believe me, there’ll be quite a few who are envious.

Dee74

I usually get it out of the way at the first opportunity.
"Actually, I'm a non drinker".

I must be lucky.
In 99% of the cases thats the entire drinking conversation.

D

freedomfries

I'm fortunate that my disastrous drinking history is well known, so nobody is offering me booze.

brighterday1234

Yeah I’ve found however that in reality very few drink how I did, otherwise they wouldn’t be at work. But yeah I know what you mean. I was always dead straight with people and then they don’t ask me again. I’ve found over time it bothers me less and less tbh and actually more and more people in the West are embracing sobriety due to addiction or lifestyle.

D122y

Good for you!

We here know it is bad bad bad to drink.

I relate better to everyone now. Non drinkers obviously.

But, with drinkers I can relate because I am absolutely not focused on me. I can entertain their thoughts and enjoy the interaction.

I might be a bit morbid here, but I enjoy it a bit to see them go from craving to drunk or from drunk to drunker. Some folks are so used to drinking, ewwwww, that the change is very subtle (intentional or not). I can spot little signs.

Then they get slow and sleepy. I feel sorry for them in an analytical way. The addiction has a grip.

Then me, quick witted and still fleet of foot, as a 56 year old can be, ready for some more refreshing water.

I have just one friend that seems to really care that I don't drink with him. It is almost like a right of passage with him.

I haven't seen him in a few years for obvious reasons. But, we are planning a golf date where I am sure I will feel odd. But, I can handle it and embrace the awkward.

SR saved my good life.

Yay!

Thanks for the therapy.

tufty13

Purely anecdotal.... but two of my children who are in their twenties and have never drunk tell me it’s the norm in their peer group. They just can’t fathom why people consume alcohol, apparently it’s actually really cool to be abstinent. How time’s have changed!

Primativo

Yeah the thing is though, there are different types of drinking. Lots of people drink yes, but do they drink to oblivion like we did? Do they wake up the next day and start drinking again? The answer is no. If they do, they will no doubt be joining us very soon as being non drinkers

So when I think about how lots of people drink, I remember that not everyone drinks like I do. I don't care for the reasons why, it just is the way it is. I don't drink, I can't drink, I won't drink.

advbike

I have noticed that too Tufty - the younger generations don't drink like we did. When My best friend and I recently got together for a few days to visit we commented on that several times. We're kind of embarrassed at how it was at the center of everything when we were younger.

RecklessDrunk

Especially as the sober time piles up and my anxiety is much more manageable, being around social drinkers doesn't bother me. The sight of people drinking isn't much of a trigger for me.

Through the bulk of my drinking career I Ioved social events where I could drink with people. In the end though, as a real seasoned, functioning alcoholic it was more about how I can drink just enough to get through. My goal became not act like a moron or get a dwi on the way home, hang on and get some place where I can drink the way that I like to drink.

My AV is more likely to strike when I'm alone in my head. Don't get me wrong, my AV can be as nasty as the next guys. We can go from a few craft beers to crack cocaine and heroin but it just doesn't seem to attack from the social angle much.

ciowa

I think how others perceive us can shape how they engage us around the drinking issue. Even when I drank I don't really recall strangers asking me if I drank.

I'm a decent sized "person of color" male so I'm not usually one who gets approached by strangers with an offer of a drink. When I was drinking {binge drinker) I'd sometimes stay sober in a drinking event and if someone asked I'd say, no thanks I'm not drinking, and that was enough. Sometimes people thought I was the bouncer or security so they steered clear of me

Aellyce

I haven't been a social drinker for many years now, didn't have alcohol in the company of other people long before I completely quit my awful secret habit. So obviously social drinking is not a challenge for me. But I did notice what you guys mentioned above, that alcohol is not so popular among younger people as it used to be when I was in my teens and 20s. I was thinking that perhaps this is only true for certain demographic populations, but glad to see others observe similar.

I think this "expectation" to drink is much more exaggerated in the mind of recovering alcoholics than anyone who drinks normally. People offer it, sure, but they also usually serve some kind of food in social situations and ask what guests like. I personally don't even bother to think about what non-alcoholic drink would look good as I don't drink anything but water and coffee at home now either. Just say "can I have a glass of water please" if I am thirsty. If not thirsty, I don't drink anything, why should we always nurse some liquid, just causes unnecessary trips to the bathroom. Drinking some beverage is a social habit to make people more comfortable I think (e.g. not to feel awkward about what to do with hands or that conversation is the only thing to do), but if we are cool sober, I don't think anyone needs to worry about this, I honestly believe it's more a recovery fixation than anything else.

phoebe64

Drinking is definitely the norm and expected in one particular crowd of ours, the ones we socialize with most often. I’m grateful I’ve been afforded some solitary time to get a foothold on sobriety, to look at the social distancing as the “glass half full.” I’ll have my first big gathering since the pandemic, and will definitely be offered alcohol. We’re all getting older now, though, and most will not question my not drinking. Some might notice I’ve lost weight and ask some questions, and it might come up that way, as part of my “getting healthier” plan. The last time I had a good sober stretch, a long time ago, I sensed admiration from some, for the accomplishment of getting healthy. A few outright cheered me on and were very complimentary.

As Dee often says, it’s rarely much of a big deal to others that we’re sober. When I sense that it is, I’m getting a vibe that those people are questioning their own drinking. For me, it’s largely tied to health and wellness, and I discuss that aspect. Who can argue that?

Hodd

I’ve heard this too, and I really hope it’s the case. I know alcohol free beers/wine has its detractors, but apparently these are a drink of choice for many youngsters, and that can only be a good thing.

I said I was shocked by the alcohol consumption of some younger colleagues on nights out, but none of them drink every day (like I did), so that has to be a positive. It’s difficult to know what to say. They’ll drink on nights out anyway, but I just hope they don’t get dependent.

Zebra1275

I have passed up many social activities with "the guys" who want to get a beer after the game or some other activity. Although I would like to develop better friendships with a few, I am unable to have "a beer."

I could certainly handle having one or two beers on such an occasion. The problem is, I would then buy a 6-pack and a pint of vodka on the way home to finish off my night. It would be a downhill ride from there.

ScottFromWI

I can honestly say that in the years I've been sober, I have never once been in a situation where I was "expected" to drink alcohol. Part of that is likely because I don't hang around in places where drinking is the primary activity - bars, boozy parties, etc. But I certainly do attend events where alcohol is served ( weddings, graduation parties, etc ) and I eat at restaurants where alcohol is served and buy my groceries at stores that also sell alcohol. In the small handful of times where I have been offered an alcoholic drink, I either decline or just ask for something else and that's the end of it.

I think it's really our own addiction speaking to us when we feel that we are obligated to drink - because for the most part, no one cares or even notices if we are or not. Yes, there is a lot of drinking in all of our cultures, but we are not obligated to participate in any of it. There are entire groups/communities of people that don't drink for reasons outside of addiction ( Religious views, cultural norms, etc ) too and they don't obsess about what other people think of them, they just go about their lives as if not drinking is the norm.

phoebe64

My daughter is 21, 22 in 4 months. She’s only started drinking once legal, and can take it or leave it. She has had a few hangovers, learning her limits, but doesn’t even drink every weekend like many college kids. What is very popular amongst the college crowd is weed, which is legal in our state, and she uses edibles to help anxiety and to help her sleep sometimes. Her previous college was known for heavy weed consumption, but she, by choice, lived in a sober dorm. We’d smell it regularly walking through the downtown areas where that school was.

My husband has mentioned a much younger colleague using edibles when out for drinks after work. They were in the city, and this guy walked to/from the office. He offered them to others, is how my husband knew.

So, I think weed is becoming more socially acceptable here in legal states, and might be reducing drinking in some younger groups. I’m not sure whether that’s good or bad, or depends on the individual.

Gabe1980

In Scotland it is the cornerstone of every, single occasion. I honestly don't know anyone else who doesn't drink, even in my family.

I think it is changing somewhat for the younger generations. For us brought up in the 80s and 90s, we were in a culture of approved and celebrated dangerous binge drinking. Its the same reason why, after saying numerous times that I have a problem with alcohol, some people always say - 'but just have one or two' or 'yeah but what's wrong with getting really drunk.'

I am hoping that the culture here changes but for some of us it seems to be a case of opting out of the 'normal' social situations. I am okay with that. I don't really like people anyway!

ciowa

I will say there have been a few situations that I've seen people get pestered to drink from their "friends".

1. When they have a resource they will share only when drinking. This can be a house to party in, a car to drive others around in while drinking or even money in that they are going to be the one to buy the drinks or foot the bill for a night out. When they work on getting sober, their "friends" will try to get them started again because they are reliant on that person to keep the party going.

2. Women who are in social gatherings can get unwanted pressure to drink from men who have ulterior motives.

In either case, staying sober in those situations is definitely the right thing to do.

AL48

Birth, christenings, first communions, confirmation. Birthdays for anyone, 18th and 21st birthday mainly and the following 30th 40th and so on. Engagements, wedding's, quitting old job or starting new job. Could go on but you get where im going. Only to think the pubs will be open again soon and the town will fill with revellers and tourist and i know my friends of over 30 years will want to go out for a few which means all night. Im dreading it.

RecklessDrunk

Now that I think about it maybe its because the younger generation is raised on social media with videos of people getting drunk and acting like morons. Possibly this image of drinking is burned in instead of the glorious images we had growing up in the 80s. Back then most of the times we got stupid it was no harm no foul. I knew trouble was on the way as soon as they started putting cameras on cell phones!