Jj2518

I was sober for a year and 4 months and I was THRIVING I felt amazing I was happy i wasn’t chasing a drug, I felt great about myself and when I was getting sober a year ago I wanted to to get sober so why is it different this time! Someone please help me I’m literally crying as I write this, I’m crying because I’ve danced with the devil again and this time I feel like the only way out is death. I can’t get sober no matter what I do my mind mentally won’t let me get sober I keep picking up the dope! Is anyone from around here (palm beach FL USA) just curious because I feel so alone and I don’t know why this time around is so difficult and so different why am I not as motivated as I was before to let go of this nasty drug and move forward instead of continuing to move backwards??? As I write this I want to use! Lord help me and today I experienced an overdose I literally called it in wtf is wrong with me. 😭😭 I pray everyday and I tell myself every day I’m not going to do dope or I’m going to do a little and ween myself because I tried cold turkey and I kept fainting, I got extremely sick and I refuse to take Suboxone because it’s just as horrible and the withdrawals are worse then the withdrawals from dope. Can anyone relate or be here and tell me wtf is different because I’ve gotten clean about 5-6 times before and this time I can’t and I don’t want to die I have a beautiful kid and I don’t want to be on drugs missing out on her life and being to sleepy to comprehend what the **** I’m doing all the time. The biggest issue for me is I live in a place I don’t know anyone so I’m always alone, being alone scares me idk why and I try to sit with that feeling and figure it out and it makes me use. I guess childhood trama. I don’t mean to sound like a whiny bitch but damn I just want to be free again and meeting don’t seem to help anymore.... is death the only way out of this game the devil is playing??! I need support, I need advice and I need to know someone somewhere knows what the **** I’m going threw! 😕🙏🏼😞

Dropsie

I lost a friend too young, much too young. A beautiful soul.

I hope you see your words are real, but they do not have to be so.

You can be sober again, not saying its easy, but you can do it. I did it, we all did. We are not special, you can do it too, like you did before.

We got your back.

stickyone

I know how you are feeling 341 days ago I tried to take my life. I know it's hard everything is crashing down. Don't give up you have kids they need you more than anything. The problems won't go away when your gone they will passed on to your love ones. It will pass but please go to the doctor for professional help. Yell at the top of your voice what you love most in the world and go for a run in place. Don't give up

Aellyce

I've never had problems with opioids myself (my vice was alcohol) but know a bit about that world. What did you use in the past, when it was easier to quit, and what do you use now? I'm asking because, as you may now much better, the opioids on the street have become less and less predictable, hard to know what you actually get these days. I looked at some of your older threads - do you still use Oxy and/or other pills, or others as well? Many users years ago started out with what was quite reliable but if you get it from illegal sources, they often cut the drugs with all sorts of newer chemicals that can create a much stronger dependency and even be more dangerous. Can this be the issue now?

In any case, yes the replacement drugs can be difficult to quit as well, sometimes more difficult, but at least you could potentially get them in a controlled way from a program / medical professionals.

Steely

I don't really know 'why' Jj25, but from my own experience, having relapsed many times, feelings of failure dominate, making us feel as if we can't do it, and there is no hope. Believe me when I say there is absolute hope and you can get well again. I'm a prime example, and now have 16 months sobriety, and more to come. Don't want to jinx myself tho, I've relapsed so many times before.

Sounds to me you might need face to face support and wonder if you have considered rehab? Going to an NA meeting? Addictions counsellor? I did these things many years back, and the respite alone helped me enormously. Being around others going through same could be the kick start you need.

Consider these things Jj25, but consider moreso that most of us here have felt as you do and that you are wrong to think there is no hope. Hope is abundant when we make that first step into a better life. Join us here.

I hope you continue to post. We understand, and want just what you want. A sober, clean life, which you deserve.

Make the first step Jj, get yourself posting here for the support you need in these early days, and reclaim the good person you know yourself to be.

It's totally doable.

Anna

There is always hope and you simply must not give up. You were sober for a long time and you know that you can do it again.

Dee74

Hey JS

I think support really helps- posting and reading here more, considering other kinds of support like AA, SMART or some other meeting based approach - do whatever you can to beef up your 'I want so much to be clean and sober' side.

You needed do any of this alone- but I really believe you can do it and turn your life around.

If you're feeling really low maybe read through some of this stuff and give a crisis line a call?
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ease-read.html


There's always always the chance of things being better tomorrow

D

KKAT33

My brother in law lost his battle with opioids 13 years ago. His wife and kids (in grade school at the time) still struggle very much with it. They want him back. My nephew has overcome it after a long road. It’s hard, I believe you can overcome. You are in my prayers!

BeABetterMan

The greatest gift I was ever granted was the gift of desperation. It was only with desperation that I was willing to surrender my will and to admit I was unable to manage my own life and that I would need help to survive. So believe it or not, you might have something to be grateful for. You are desperate enough to reach out for help.

Also, you sound a lot like me in that the number one thing that makes me drink/use again was that life got good. It also used to happen to me around 4 months frequently. We get the dogs off of our asses. SO is happier, boss is happy, bills are caught up, court cases have come and gone, sleeping better, looking better. And I forget the agony of using/drinking.

So I ask you, are you done yet? Or do you think you can still find a way to use and live? I tried and tried and tried. But I could not find a way to drink and to survive. I had to choose one. I chose life. And I got sober through AA.

CuteNGayYay

Just wanted to reply to say you’re not alone. I’m going thru the same thing with alcohol. But we’re both here wanting to better our life.

doggonecarl

Sorry you are in so much despair.

You have gotten clean 5 or 6 times, but you have also gone back to using 5 or 6 times. I don't say that to demean you, but to explain why you are having so much difficulty quitting now. You are stuck in the cycling of quitting, withdrawing, then relapsing. With repeated quits, the withdrawals get worse. It's called kindling. The withdrawals get worse. Avoidance of the discomfort and misery of withdrawing keeps us using. Quitting is hard, but not impossible. Quitting and staying quit is the only solution. The only solution to the pain of withdrawals and the only solution to the misery of addiction.

Meetings aren't the solution. Working the program, the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous, is the solution. Find a meeting. Get a sponsor. Get the life you deserve.