doggonecarl

Sorry you are in so much despair.

You have gotten clean 5 or 6 times, but you have also gone back to using 5 or 6 times. I don't say that to demean you, but to explain why you are having so much difficulty quitting now. You are stuck in the cycling of quitting, withdrawing, then relapsing. With repeated quits, the withdrawals get worse. It's called kindling. The withdrawals get worse. Avoidance of the discomfort and misery of withdrawing keeps us using. Quitting is hard, but not impossible. Quitting and staying quit is the only solution. The only solution to the pain of withdrawals and the only solution to the misery of addiction.

Meetings aren't the solution. Working the program, the 12 steps of Narcotics Anonymous, is the solution. Find a meeting. Get a sponsor. Get the life you deserve.