stickyone

I've been reading alot and something's don't really make too much sense need help. In my readings the author talks about blaming others. Humans have perfected this emotion over time blame helps relieve the stress and struggles and is the easy go to for making you feel better. Then they go in talking about blame will only worsen your situation that you were in afterwards. You need to look at your side of the table and see if you have any contribution on why you are blaming this person and if you have taken responsibility for those actions before putting it in another. Its been running through my head. Alot of the things i tend to blame others for are facts. It isn't my job to change a person. For my end is i see myself holding expectations from others and for them to take responsibility for there actions. Which they have prove time and time again they won't. I tell myself STFU and worry about yourself. I just don't want to hold in emotions that I should face head on to grow in recovery.

ScottFromWI

Holding the emotions/grudges/resentments in can certainly derail our recovery. You are right - you cannot control others. Perhaps what you need to do is change your expectations? If someone is repeatedly not taking responsibility for their actions in regards to something that affects you, it may be time to create a boundary with that person so you don't need to have expectations for them anymore.

stickyone

Thank you very much for your help. When I first posted it I was getting a clouded mind over it. But that is very true advice. The expectations that are expected from them towards myself has always been filled on my part. But yes lower my expectations for them then I won't get caught up being disappointed. Different point of views I'll change mines . The positive is that I put in more work and my standards are higher so in the long run I will benefit and grow from it.

Aellyce

It can help relieve stress in the moment, but I think usually it doesn't last and can just cause more damage - a bit like using drugs to deal with stress and frustration. I think the biggest problem with making unrealistic expectations and blaming is that, most often, it is not used for constructive problem solving. More frequently, it remains internal turbulence, does not lead to open discussion with others involved, so it can get very distorted because it only grows in the mind of the person experiencing it. Sometimes it generates passive aggression, I think in part because you know it's exaggerated and unrealistic, so are not comfortable discussing the situation openly, asking for what you need, draw appropriate boundaries. IMO passive aggressiveness is one of the worst elements of interpersonal dynamics - it solves nothing by definition (passive) but typically creates a lot of tension, then more blame and resentments. So it's definitely good to first look inside and try to assess the situation as objectively as possible, and if issues remain, communicate about it. Assertiveness usually is regarded highly, because it can actually achieve change and make people more comfortable by addressing problems head on.

Of course there are many situations involving complicated power structures and struggles, which can suppress one's voice and even make good judgments difficult due to emotional manipulations and unequal "rights". If that was the case, I would try to work on changing the environment, but it's always easier if you can step out and find something more suitable than attempting to control others.

stickyone

After reading more on the definition of passive aggressive. I do have some of the traits listed the main one is that I have been avoiding the conflict and conversation. Not an excuse which is listed as one trait. The facts is that I've checked my part of it and I do take responsibility for my actions. I was under the impression to avoid toxic environments and people that don't contribute to my recovery. Believe me I would like to have these talks with these individuals and settle our differences. But then it's 3 against 1 and gives the impression that I'm a narcissist?

Aellyce

I am generally quite assertive, even when others involved are obviously manipulators and may not be worth my energy to argue. Just don't tolerate anyone repeatedly messing with me unfairly. That does not make anyone a narcissist I think, just someone who stands up to their values. It helps to even just make my position known clearly. What can do the trick, I think, is obviously taking responsibility, but also presenting your claims as plain facts. Remain as cool and rational as possible, because it's the emotional heat (either fear of it, or thinking we can win anything with heated arguments) that can often lead to an inability and even unwillingness to manage conflict. I think stoic philosophy has a lot of useful things to say about this, amongst other things. Some cognitive behavioral therapy tools are also quite good to examine and transform irrational and exaggerated beliefs just internally, before taking it to others.

stickyone

Thank you so much for the reply. The obstacles I am working with are work related with others. I was assertive or up front with them regarding the issues then when it began to escalate I brought it up to management. What I had gotten in return was retaliation from everyone. It's hard for management to make corrections or displinary actions when they are doing the exact same thing. I was going to leave this toxic place to find another job. But his is a stepping stone for bigger opportunities for myself. So over time I just separated myself from them all.

BeABetterMan

About expectations and anger.

”Holding a grudge & harboring anger/resentment is poison to the soul. Get even with people...but not those who have hurt us, forget them, instead get even with those who have helped us.”

and

“At the heart of all anger, all grudges, and all resentment, you'll always find a fear that hopes to stay anonymous.”

stickyone

Thank you BABM anger and resentment. They both are very destructive behavior. I've been working on the resentment issue alot to break my self free from that pain. Resentment is like scratching a wound making it worse and the anger is the blood that flows freely. I will get control of my anger , I see how much I used to numb my emotions. I feel it all the adrenaline when something comes up the flight or fight. When things get hectic my anxiety kicks in but the fight kicks in and then the anger. Mindfulness meditation has helped me alot. I am looking for other tools to add.