Suzieq17

I am a little over 2 months sober. Up until now, it’s been taking it one day at a time to distance myself from my last drunk. Pretty monotonous, mindless and sort of cruising thru each day until bedtime.

Yesterday came a flood of emotions—no tears from me—but memories came back, good and bad, mistakes, wonderful moments, bad decisions, etc. All day, VERY clear memories, non stop until bedtime and that was even difficult. Today has started the same way.

How do I address these things? They are consuming my thoughts and the day. I don’t feel like they are productive but I am not sure. I’m wanting to let them go in order to move on and forward in sobriety. I have to but how??? Help.

Any help appreciated.

tomls

Early recovery is very hard. I know it was for me. When I would get really stressed and anxious I would do the deep breathing exercises and or meditate and or take a nap. I read around on SR and the internet for ideas. Patience was the most helpful thing I learned. I wanted to feel better right now! Best wishes!

Surrendered19

With thoughts and memories and emotions - I had to learn to let those things flow through me and ride the waves and learn that the sun still comes up the next day. They are just things going on in my head that I needed to learn to process and put in their proper places. When you report a flood of emotions but "no tears from me", I'm wondering if you are resisting tears too much. A good cry is very therapeutic for everyone. It is hard to tell online how this is really affecting you. I think an in-person counselor could really help you process some of this and determine what else might be going on. Remember you don't have to do any of this alone.

lessgravity

You stay sober and then do whatever it is you need to stay sober. Many of us have been where you are in early sobriety - continued sobriety will give you the strength and the time and peace to explore the pain you've been through, deal with the present moment, and chart a better life. Congrats on 2 months - it keeps getting better.

Hawkeye13

Just let the feelings the booze bottled up inside you out. I cried in the shower, curled up in bed and cried through dozens of tissues. I went to the forest and yelled out my anger and hurt, punched pillows, wrote page after page of all that I needed to get out and let go. Sometimes I just felt so drained from all the emotional dumping I just locked the front door, turned off the phone, and curled up in bed to sleep, or watched old movies, worked jigsaw puzzles, or re-read books I loved simply to rest my mind.

It gets better, and you will be amazed how much energy and focus it has taken you all these years to hold those feelings in and manage the emotional pressure. The peace that comes after is worth it. After the first months, I went for short round of cognitive therapy to drain and process some more, and if that is an option, I suggest it.

Take care and stay sober. It gets better and better. . .

Mizz

I do understand this. I recently went through a bout of this. I was really stuck with my head cycling and turning over the same thoughts/ memories and it felt paralyzing. I finally talked with my husband about what was happening and from there I had a really good cry. Sobbing actually. I did see that after I expressed what I was going through the thoughts lessened and I felt 100% better.

I think getting those thoughts/ memories out into the open lessens the hold they have on us. Move it out and move forward kinda thing.

Just my experience.

Erica375

Do you do anything creative? You don't have to do it well; just do it. Do you like to write, or draw? I recently bought a box of crayons and a coloring book. And not an adult coloring book. A Disney Princess coloring book. I find coloring soothing. I always loved coloring with crayons as a child, so I went back to that. It calms me.

I suggest going to a crafts store and picking out something that looks fun. If you don't consider yourself to be very "crafty," start with an inexpensive kit meant for children. The finished product isn't important. The DOING is.

Aellyce

Hi Suzieq,

In my own little over 2 months, I personally have not experienced many overwhelming emotions, roller coaster, crying spells etc that many describe (or at least far less than I typically experienced during my drinking binge cycles), but I do feel quite irritable sometimes and the resulting irrational thoughts can cloud my mind and make me feel upset. In the past 2 weeks I have felt somewhat more anxious more often than in the first month, but it might also be related to the real stresses I'm currently experiencing with wrapping up a job before quitting in March and around looking for a new home. I just got into a new recovery program to help me stay more at peace and focused in the last 2 weeks, which involves a daily meditation practice (I started a thread about it, called Recovery Dharma, recently and will post more there about my experiences later). I also really try to make an effort to do my workout and walk outside daily, as those things are probably what help me the most to remain calmer. Especially the exercise - I notice the negative effects on my mood and sleep pretty quickly when I get distracted, lazy and skip it. Doing productive things every day also helps, otherwise I feel exactly like what you described as just "cruising through each day" and I can't currently afford to procrastinate.

For me, the meditation helps a lot with accepting mental fluctuations and using them constructively, to recognize what sorts of things bother me. It's also a good tool to give these internal experiences room instead of escaping from them, but at the same time regulate how much time/energy and when (i.e. during my planned meditation sessions and in other parts of my new routine). I find this type of compartmentalizing very helpful and was already quite good at it before, but all that was impossible to do intoxicated and very difficult during my short sober stints (usually only a few days). I don't do therapy/counseling now, but think that can also be used in a similar way: to allow yourself to experience these feelings and dive into their meaning when preparing for a session, during sessions, and when reflecting on them. The one thing, again, that I personally don't find helpful or productive is to just randomly and impulsively let whatever emotional fluctuation take over my mind whenever and interfere with things that are equally important for me and have to get done. Sometimes this happens, but if I just gave it a free way, it would only exacerbate any passing irritability and restlessness, due to grasping on it too much. I think it's best to find time and ways for these things in our life, but not all the time, for me at least.

aasharon90

Memorizing the Serenity Prayer and incorporating it
anytime, anywhere, wherever I am, has brought me
moments of serenity when I needed it.

Even today some 30 yrs sober, thoughts from my past
pop in trying to ruffle my feathers and saying the Serenity
Prayer calms that storm in my heart, mind and soul.

There are things in the past that we have no control
over, because we can't change it. It happened and
it wont happen again. Yet it left a scare on our emotions
and it's hard to forget.

People, places or things whatever it maybe, we have
to let it go or else it will live rent free in our minds causing
resentments that will fester, keeping us sick or causing
all sorts of health problems.

I keep turning those people, places or things over to
my HP, Higher Power, God of my understanding so that
I don't have to carry those heavy crosses on my shoulders
and more.

To know, i can be free from the past is a gift and blessing.

Be123

I agree with surrendered and Hawkeye. There wasn't any way round it, or over it, or under it for me. Still isn't tbh. The only way is through is it.

Im an emotional baby, and having to learn how to deal with emotions as an adult for the first time (I was drunk all my adult life). I've had to learn how to sit and feel my emotions. At times it is painful to the point of feeling like it'll break me. But it hasn't broken me and I'm willing to bet it won't break you.

The joy of it is, for me, coming out the other side and realising I will survive, that I'm ok, that negative feelings pass. And boy do I enjoy the times I feel good and laugh until I cry, eat good food and let myself be happy

There isn't an easy answer but I am learning to feel things and it's alright

advbike

Your post came at exactly the right time for me, as I have also been struggling with the issue of past memories bubbling up to the surface lately, and feeling compelled to try and make some sense of them. I wondered if it was just me. I was at 60 days again yesterday. Mostly these thoughts and memories come in the early morning and sometimes cause considerable anxiety, mainly because they are not clear, just little fragments of doing things with various people, job stuff, working in different cities, and yes - drinking events.. They tend to set me off for the entire day.

For me personally, this is one of the downsides of living a long and complicated life with alcohol in the mix and nothing to really anchor me over the years. I had a successful career and some breaks from drinking but never really got a handle on it, so there is a ton of emotional baggage to deal with. A ton. I have lived in several states, had multiple jobs, homes, several long term relationships, a short marriage, and traveled a lot. Drinking through most of it. Trying to look back and make sense of it all is simply overwhelming and really tripped me up when I did step work a few years ago. So much better to quit permanently when you're young and build a stable life.

I think all you can do is to just sit with the memories and feelings for now. Experience the emotions but do not try to act on them right away. If you think it's something you will want to make amends for at some point then write it down for later. We can't go back and change the behavior but we can make amends to those we harmed and it takes the weight off. For now just look forward and try not to judge yourself harshly, or make judgements about your behavior or that of others. You can deal with that later. I say this because in early sobriety these things can really cause pain and the most important thing right now is to STAY SOBER, so you can live to fight the battle (of who did what and why) another day. There will be time to work through those things.

JustJohn

Hey Suzie!

I've been dealing with past memories for some time. I'm on day 29 of my sobriety and it has resurfaced with a vengeance - I think I can empathize some. I've learned depression and anxiety often accompany early sobriety. That's probably why many of us have relapsed repeatedly - I know I never addressed it until recently.

I worked with a VA psychologist until we relocated out of state and it helped some. Things that happened to me as a very young adult in the military that didn't bother me at the time, came flooding back in my 50's. My head Doc said this happens a lot because of changes in the brain over time - when you're younger it is easier to shrug off and move on - but it often returns later in life.

I have no solution for you, but I can offer encouragement. Just posting here and reading other people's comments have been helpful to me. I woke up at 3:30 this morning and couldn't get back to sleep so I went in search of information to help me learn how to cope. Here are 2 that spoke to me - the second link was most profound:

Why You’re Depressed In Early Sobriety

Some Pitfalls of Early Sobriety

Suzieq17

Thanks everyone.

I am going to try and work thru my emotions—feel them—so I can hopefully move past them. It is time. So much I have ran from because I was scared to feel pain, to feel love, to feel loss—to feel anything. No more running.

No tears today, but I’ve shed many tears in my 2 months sober.

The Serenity Prayer was a reminder of how helpful that saying can be. I will read it every day until I feel better. Many thanks everyone.

Anna

Suzie, that's it - you will learn to feel the emotions and to let them go. I think this is the hardest part of recovery because it involves really looking inward. If you're like me, you will find things you like a lot and you'll also find things you don't like so much. We're human.

I wonder if you've tried meditation. It helps to calm the mind.

Hevyn

Suzie - I love all the advice - can't really add much, except that I went through it too. Yet here I sit, 13 yrs. sober & counting. I was devastated by some of my behavior, but I knew if I dwelled on it I'd be back to numbing myself so I could escape my feelings. I decided to hold my head up & accept that the person I was when drinking was not the real me. Eventually I could let go of the reckless things I did & said when under the influence. I'm glad you wanted to talk about it - I hope it helps ease your anxiety. You're doing great - be proud.

Be123

I think this is it. I'll admit I'm not an expert and I don't know your story, but I agree 150%.

Im at 11 months and I still have some real lows. I'm still facing up to the emotions. But that's the natural consequence of 20 years of drinking every day. I can't cheat science and nature, I can't 'bypass the system'. The only way is through it. And there are so many more 'up' times than down that it is definitely worth paying attention to the feelings and memories in the down.

Steely

I kept the tears locked up too, SuzieQ. Held the misdirected idea that I was being strong. I wasn't. Just couldn't deal with the emotions at the time. And that's ok. It's a process.

I cry cry a lot now, and it has been therapeutic. I seem to grow a little with the memories, not blame myself so much. I can see more clearly. Forgive myself. If I were to drink this would go into reverse, and I can't be having that. Need to stop and smell the roses. Standing still. Moving forward.

Youre doing great SuzieQ. It gets better.

Vincent484

Not sure if you are a reader but the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle is helpful to some people as far as changing your thinking regarding guilt over the past and anxiety over the future

stickyone

Mindful meditation practice has helped me alot with those running thoughts and emotions. They still come up here and there but I see them recognize them and try to understand why I'm feeling that way and let it go. The more I put into my practice the easier it gets to not hold iny to those thoughts and emotions. For years I've buried my emotions but know I choose to understand them head on. Grow through them while you go through them. Hope this helps your path of recovery.

leo21

I had been experiencing similar things where I would replay certain events, memories, etc over and over in my head. Clear as day and it felt like I had no control over them. A few months ago I had some counseling and it was suggested that when those events started playing in my head to stop what I'm doing and journal it. At first I was like, 'sure like that will work', but oddly enough I would write out the memory or event, then write what I was feeling while remembering, and then some key words like - sad, guilty, etc.
So I would do a short paragraph and then take a minute to read it and acknowledge it - and I'll be darned if those memories stopped invading my headspace.