Tanky

So , today is day 36 for me. The longest I have been without alcohol for more years than I care to remember. My addiction grew a life of it’s own a few years back (maybe 4 or 5) and spawned some new co-addictions - like a many headed hydra. These are still not fully under control, but getting there. I knew that breaking the back of alcohol addiction would be the key to all of them, tho. So that is what I started with. Today, day 36 is also the first time I have seen my mother in person since June (Covid restrictions) . I had prepared myself for “the conversation.” For coming clean. About all the addictions , even, if I could. But starting with the most obvious one that I knew must be plain as the nose on my face. It’s not like I even tried to hide it in the end.

But Instead, my mother did not remark or comment when I grabbed a sparkly water from fridge instead of customary beer on arriving home from work . She did not comment or question when I refused a glass of wine with her. She said nothing when I ordered soft drink when we went to a local pub to eat. (Cravings were off charts for me there as was first time I dared go to a pub since quitting and I felt like throwing my soft drink across the room and launching myself over the bar to lick the taps , but I did good)

she said nothing , nuuuuthing. Whole night. Even though last time she was here many months ago my recycling bin was full of empties and she stealthily cleaned up the dozens of bottles and cigarette butts that littered my balcony. when I tried - perhaps a little feebly - to speak up she blocked it every time.

Instead she kept praising me for “how well” I had done during Covid lock down all on my own w kid etc etc and I kept saying “no, mum, I really didn’t.. but she shut it down. So I feel awful. I feel invisible. The pain again erased/ignored. And I don’t know what to do with this. I always knew she enabled my drinking a bit or overlooked it because she didn’t want to question her own, but I guess I didn’t realise I would be left so alone with recovery, too . I didn’t realise how much it might challenge her.

How do others deal with enabling or threatened parents/relatives?

Suzieq17

I’m sorry this happened to you. Parents are supposed to be supportive, sadly they aren’t all that way. My mother is very similar to your mom. So, since I am newly sober (2weeks) I have chosen to limit contact with any person that I feel might negatively affect my sobriety. Maybe some distance might be good. You are doing a great job staying sober, do what keeps you sober and fuels a healthy mind.

doggonecarl

First off, welcome to SR and congrats on 36 days.

Nor did you, as you mentioned.

You call it lack of support, but you don't know why she didn't "praise" your sobriety. But she didn't mock it either. She was silent. Maybe she was uncomfortable. Maybe she didn't want to jinx it.

It's your recovery to deal with. Not your mom's. If you have specific support needs from her, tell her. If she doesn't give you what you ask for, you have a legitimate gripe. But when she fails to meet unspoken needs, you really don't.

ReadyAtLast

Ime parents dont want to admit that we have problem with alcohol. Especially the older generation. Some people just dont mention it. That's not a bad thing. Try not to take it as a bad thing. It's just her way if dealing with it

FreeOwl

Tanky.... what is it you're hoping for from your Mom?

Have you shared that with her?

One cool thing about recovery is learning to acknowledge and understand our own emotions. Becoming aware of our own emotional-spiritual state and working on US.

Your post focuses a lot on your mother's lack of reaction to you....

I wonder what's going on FOR you.....

I wonder what this experience might inform you about YOURSELF.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things (and the people) I cannot change, the courage to change the things (about myself) that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference....

While I do understand entirely the ways in which our families can trigger our emotions......

I'd also like to remind you that, at the end of the day, what your Mom does or doesn't do matters exactly not at all to your own sobriety.

Hawkeye13

She may have mentioned nothing out of respect for your choices as an adult.

I wouldn't assume the worst here at all--as Carl said, if you need positive reinforcement, you should let her know directly.

Sometimes our families are so used to walking on eggshells around our addictions (sounds like she did in her "stealthy" cleaning) they are habituated to keeping status quo.

Reach out in love and you may be surprised.

Excellent job on getting sober!

Mizz

Congrats on your sober time! This year has tested a lot of us, for sure.

What is the silence about? I am curious as to why you did not speak with her but expected her to speak with you, and when she did not acknowledge your sobriety there is the thought she is gaslighting you?

If you want to have a conversation about your alcoholism and your recovery from alcoholism why are YOU wanting her to take the lead? Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't that behavior a form of emotional and or mental manipulation?

I'm just asking questions and not being accusatory.

fishkiller

My parents have not said anything either.
I'm ok with that.
Like said if you brought it up she may feel more comfortable discussing it.
My parents were, are, in denial of my problem as was I for so long.
Maybe your Mom is also or maybe she is waiting for you to mention it.

The easiest way to be disappointed in life is to expect others to act a certain way.

Sober45

Wow. I can totally relate 100%. I've made numerous posts about my mother's response to me not drinking. It's been a whole lot of NOTHING! She's a heavy drinker herself. But she's still my mom and I want her approval and praise for doing the hardest thing I've done in my life. Very sad indeed. But I've come to realize that my sobriety is forcing her to face her own drinking.

After 11 months of continuous sobriety, it's not bothering me nearly as much. I've moved from resentment to compassion (as much as I can). Stay sober and with time you'll have more emotional stability and clarity on how to deal with this.

Congrats on your sober time!

The best I can do now is let her watch me grow and prosper.

BeABetterMan

Perspective. My mom and I haven’t spoken in over a year because the last I time we did she told me, while her herself drunk, that I was a piece of expletive. That she wishes she would have drown me when I was born. That even though I had four months sobriety that I was lying and was probably drunk and on drugs the night before.

If I could have a meal with my mom without her mentioning alcohol or drugs I would think that I had died and gone to heaven.

I’ve long since given up looking to her or anyone for praise or affirmation. I am on this sober journey for me. And with the help of God and my program I stay sober. I don’t even like to receive recognition for doing what I should have done a long time ago.

to the OP, give it some time. If you do want some at least acknowledgement from your mother, give it some time. Your deeds and your transformation will certainly elicit a response if you’ve been sober for let’s say a year. But drinkers of our kind are easily distracted from our mission. Which is simply to not drink.

Perspective.

advbike

Yeah, what the others said. We need to learn to ask for what we need in our relationships. Not expect others to read our minds. I have a real problem with that too. She may have also felt that your not drinking reflected upon her.

But my first thought on reading your post was that you took a risk going to a pub. You were very strong, but be please careful going into drinking establishments in early sobriety.

GREAT JOB on not drinking!! Keep up the good work!

nez

I have nothing brilliant to say or any helpful suggestions but I can share my experience with early recovery.

My wife was totally supportive of my efforts but was caught in between a rock and a hard place. If she tried to talk about my recovery, my reaction was less than stellar. If she didn't talk about my recovery, my reaction was less than stellar. She was in a no win situation of my creation. I wanted space and I didn't want space. I didn't know what I wanted, so how could she possibly know what I wanted?

The core issue was not that I thought too highly of myself. Nor was it that I thought too lowly of myself. It was merely that all I thought about was myself.

Growth in realizing how my actions affect others was slow in coming; but as I slowly learned to think less often of myself, it came. Thankfully my wife's love was strong and patient.

silentrun

We see you. We hear you. Everyone I knew who had a drinking problem was still drinking. I had no one IRL that understood. I often felt like I was holding back a crapstorm from hitting my family all by myself. I was the only one that could have stopped it from hitting us though. That's why this site was so important for me.

Tanky

Fair enough. I guess I was just hoping someone would meet me halfway. 😂because if I was good at expressing my needs and feelings I probably wouldn’t have turned to addictions to self soothe in first place. Believe me, I am actually trying here.

I should explain that I am already extremely isolated. and at this stage essentially nobody knows what I really did to myself/my life past few years or how bad it really was. Because I am “high functioning” or whatever.

I realise this is all my fault and not anyone else’s. That my isolation from the world is what I did to myself. I have also tried to come clean with some friends - but it is hard to simultaneously reconnect with people I have totally pushed away so I can be with my lovers (Eg addictions) 24/7 and also get them to understand the size of problem and what happened, I guess. The shame is rather large, plus if they are all deeply engaged with alcohol i guess i am realising it is going to be even harder than I thought.

so am I looking fo praise of my sobriety from my mother? No. I know that isn’t where she will be. I am looking for strength to keep going. Reluctant acknowledgement even. Because I am worried that if no one “knows”, if not even my mother sees how close to death I was getting, it will be too easy for me to fail.so yes this is up to me. Yes it is my problem and my recovery. But I am not an island.

I didn’t mean to “blame” my mother in that post. I wrote it because I was actually trying to understand and own my feelings/my reactions . Sorry if I did that inelegantly.

In a nutshell - It hurt me and I was trying to express and understand that hurt. I was trying to work out how to deal with that - how to start to unpack an enabling/codependent relationship I have helped to build.

Tanky

yeah, I probably should have said we needed to go elsewhere. I guess I was unconsciously testing myself , which is probably not smart so early on. I am learning. My whole identity is gone.

Tanky

yeah, I didnt expect her to take the lead. But I guess when she didnt respond at all to the enormous change that is evident since she was last with me months ago , the somewhat glaring cues, I maybe got scared and I felt invisible or something , like my pain, my struggles don’t matter and aren’t worthy of an honest conversation . It is a pattern in our relationship that is too familiar. For Eg , When I was released from a mental health institution after a suicide attempt she only wanted to talk about my finances. I did try to start the conversation with her yesterday multiple times in multiple ways and she shut it down. It’s okay. I just have to keep trying. I get it it’s my problem , not hers.

Be123

My therapist keeps telling me that I should ask if I want praise, affirmation, a hug. It is just SO foreign!! My way of doing things is not to express what I want and need and then to feel resentful when I don't get it.

But I am bloody English! It's just so so so so SO foreign to me to say to my kids: 'I did so and so today, can you tell me I did it well please?' or 'I need you to tell me I'm doing a good job'. It feels so wrong

But as someone said above, as an addict I need to learn about my feelings and for me there is nothing off limits for me to learn

It's odd and it's foreign, but why shouldn't I be explicit and tell people what I need from them??? It so obvious really 😂.

Tanky

I can totally relate this, silent. I can imagine how hard it was at times for you to carry that while getting sober. this is why I decided to post something. I have been reading a lot here, but I figured I needed to try to make some connection , take risk, given I am essentially doing this without support.

Tanky

This idea is definitely totally totally foreign to me, too. So I am impressed by your adventures with this. I think I also have a basic problem with accepting praise. It’s something I recently tried to discuss with my supervision dude (who also happens to be a d&a counsellor so he has been helping me with my journey so far) Like I have learnt thru life that all praise of me is a lie. If someone tells me I am doing a good job I automatically think of all the bad **** that is lurking underneath that appearance of good work. So asking for a lie is hard. Learning to believe praise may actually be real and accept it is something that I have a long way to go with. 😂

Steely

I've been scrolling along here and didn't think Tanky was getting much support to be honest.

We all want support and acknowledgement from our parents when we do good. And at 36 days think it unreasonable to expect Tanky to just "brush it off". See it as being a failing within himself.

Stuff like that hurts and think she should, as his mother, said something. I would've, even if I didn't hold much faith in Tanky being successful. You will be Tanky! This IS the bit that comes back to you. But I'm telling you something you already know.

Many years ago I told my mother about a traumatic event in my life, and she said she didn't believe me. It hurt so bad, went and got so drunk so bad. I think she saw it as a reflection of her own parenting, so guess I agree with others on that point.

It does hurt Tanky, but the hurt goes when we finally separate from our parents and don't need them to validate us anymore. We become self validated in sobriety.

I would've met you half way. 😂

Come to think of it she did say you'd done great during lockdown. That's something in praise of you. All praise Tanky in finding sobriety.