DriGuy

We tend to expect praise from the people we are closest to, but my experience is that closeness, family, or distance has nothing to do with where the praise will come from, so I'm not surprised about your mother's response. The most common response I got about my sobriety made be realize that most others just don't get it. It strikes us as odd, because getting sober is one of the most monumental changes we make in our lives, and many of us even put it in the same category as a miracle. So when we get something on the order of a blank look from someone close to us, it's a surprise.

But most of us who succeed in recovery (some will say "all of us who succeed") got this way for ourselves, not for someone else, and you need to remember that this will always be more important to you than anyone else. My biggest sobriety fan base I'm embarrassed to say, is one person; Me! OK, there other alcoholics who highly approve, but normies will hardly ever get the significance of what you have done. They will sometimes show a modicum of approval, but understanding it (bless their hearts) is beyond them.

Somewhere around two months, you will tell your mother you haven't had a drink in 60 days, and you don't plan on ever having another one. Only then will you get a feel for what she thinks about it. It may be good or it may be a blank stare, but it doesn't matter. If you approve, that's more important than anyone else's approval. If you mother asks questions, respond, but I wouldn't push her into changing her life.

Dee74

Hi and welcome Tanky

My family is not supportive at all. They’re not obstructive any more ( they used to ask me what I wanted to drink until a few years ago) but they’re not supportive either - it’s just an issue that never gets discussed.

They ‘don’t believe in alcoholism’... at least not in our immediate family.

According to them all I need to do is know when I’ve had enough :

In all seriousness, it’s not a malicious response, it’s just a complete lack of experience and understanding, with a dollop or two of denial

Not being dismissive of your post at all - But I’m kind of glad of the non support in a way.

It forced me to find support in other places like this website for example - you’ll never be unsupported here

my chosen support family gives me everything my family of origin does not.

D

Mizz

Tanky-
I want to apologize to you if I responded in an abrupt way. I am sorry.

Ive read through the entirety of the thread and there are many more details to see where you are coming from.

Family dynamics can be really intense. The roles each of us have in the dance and play that is our family.

I am here to be supportive. What I take away from this is that I need to remember there is more to the story than the paragraph that was written. I am sorry, Tanky.

MelindaFlowers

Around a year of sobriety people start trusting it. Keep going. You’re doing very well.

Tanky

Thanks for this, mizz P. And I want to say to everyone that commented I do appreciate the responses. Even if I found some a little tough to hear in the moment.😂 Because it did actually help me.... Chapter 2:

I went on a mission. I tried again & again. And I may not have found avenues to persist with my mother like I did without some of the challenges people raised in here .

Her response?

A) you are not an alcoholic
B) you just need to watch how much you drink when you are under stress , that’s all. It has been a tough year for everyone.
C)what are you doing for exercise? Yoga helps with those little daily stresses
D) but you could stop. So that means you don’t have a problem. But It’s good that you are taking “a few days off” from it.
E) you should really buy a house. Then you will feel more settled.
F) so what are your best tips for surviving lockdown? Your brother has to spend two weeks in quarantine.

I am laughing, not crying, now.

I mean, tips for surviving lockdown? ummm, drink to blackout every night and use online gaming/gambling to continue to spend all of the money you received from your divorce settlement? 😂😂😂

you guys helped me see I don’t actually have to give a rats what my mother’s position on all this is. Even though I thought/hoped she may be a part of my support. If it isn’t to be , it isn’t to be. Whether she ever lets me tell my actual story. Whether she meets me half way, or no way at all , or isn’t ready to hear me when I am trying to ask for help/come clean/attempt begin to apologise about all the **** I have done. For what I have done to my kids by drinking and being totally absent and blowing the money that should have given us a future. For what I have done to her, too.

I know my sobriety from all these addictions is worth fighting for, for me, for my kids - regardless.

FreeOwl

In my own experience and in observing the decline and ultimate death of my younger sister and the impact on our parents along the way..... I think parents have a tremendous denial mechanism and there are many parents who lean heavily on that denial because in some way it protects them from feeling the weight of their own self-developed guilt. "I am a failure if I raised an addict / alcoholic"....

Sounds to me like maybe some of that could be going on for your Mom.

It may be helpful to develop a standard, go-to response to things like that..... "Mom, I appreciate you encouraging me. I know you don't want me to feel that I'm 'broken' or somehow inadequate. Thank you for that support. That said, I know myself. I'm an alcoholic. I've done the field research myself, firsthand, many times. I know that part of who I am is wound up in addiction and I know that the life I want for myself is best pursued in sobriety." Something honest, non-accusatory, gracious and simple that you can just keep on re-stating as necessary.

Tanky

this is awesome, owl. Thankyou for sharing it. I need to develop this. Because I imagine it is going to be the same kind of thing at Christmas with my brother. I remember discussing with d&a counsellor when I was preparing for quitting about how scared I was that I would end up having no relationship at all with my family of drinkers without alcohol. Counsellor helped me acknowledge the function it had served , see it was no longer serving that function and let it go. Developing this kind of go-to response may be key to surviving my first Christmas/NY sober.

D122y

The main thing is that I don't relapse.

Everyone that drank in my life, Dad, friends, etc, still drink. I am the proud and strong Lone Ranger. Hi Yo Silver!

Some don't mention it, others make it special, others make it especially annoying. Depending how I feel, I deal with it however.

The main thing is not relapsing.

The hell of relapsing is exponentially more painful than the joy being buzzed offers.

Thanks.

Dee74

Just for the record - I didn't do family Christmas that first year. I'm still glad I didn't.

D

DriGuy

I needed friends I could celebrate Friday night sober with. This required making new friends. The wonderful thing about friends is that you get to pick them. In recovery, we all know how important it is to avoid high risk environments and to have people around us who create safe environments and who are supportive, and it's up to us to seek them out. Your family may or may not be supportive. But with various support groups available, you don't have to rely on family to provide things that are vital to early recovery.

C0ntr0ls

I quit for ME and not anyone else.

Velvetee

Hm. My parents didn't even know about my alcohol consumption, I left when I was 17 and don't see them often. Seek for strength inside, you are not 10 anymore to expect praise from your parents. The real thing, we don't choose our parents but we can choose how to deal with our lives including our parents and other people. Congrats on almost 40 days. You are strong enough to live you victory without your mother's approval, I think Hugs.

tursiops999

Tanky, welcome to SR. I'm so glad for you that you've chosen sobriety. I had some similar experiences when I first quit -- family and friends who didn't have drinking problems didn't understand, and those that did have drinking problems were threatened and acted weird about it. In the long run it didn't matter -- my new life speaks for itself. Please keep us updated on how you're feeling -- you're among friends here who understand.