Psychotic Break Again
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Psychotic Break Again
In the psych ward. The good news is I'm twelve weeks sober on Thursday. The psychosis was terrifying though. My family were driving me to the hospital and I thought for sure I was going to be executed. My thoughts went completely crazy. This is happening very frequently lately. I think I've just ruined my mind from my experimenting with meth years ago. I haven't touched drugs in years . I don't even drink. It's very sad that Im still paying for my drug use.
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I looked at some of your early posts. Are you still taking Antabuse?
There appear to be links between Antabuse (Disulfiram) and psychosis for some people. I'm not a doctor but you need to mention it to the docs if you haven't already. It could have something to do with what you are experiencing.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1238733/
There appear to be links between Antabuse (Disulfiram) and psychosis for some people. I'm not a doctor but you need to mention it to the docs if you haven't already. It could have something to do with what you are experiencing.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1238733/
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That's interesting. I'll mention it to my psychiatrist. The Antabuse is prescribed by my family doctor not my psychiatrist so I'll see if my psych doc thinks there could be a link.
Originally Posted by advbike 
I looked at some of your early posts. Are you still taking Antabuse?
There appear to be links between Antabuse (Disulfiram) and psychosis for some people. I'm not a doctor but you need to mention it to the docs if you haven't already. It could have something to do with what you are experiencing.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1238733/
There appear to be links between Antabuse (Disulfiram) and psychosis for some people. I'm not a doctor but you need to mention it to the docs if you haven't already. It could have something to do with what you are experiencing.
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1238733/
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Read the PDF at the link I sent.
Here's another your psychiatrist can probably access:
https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi...urnalCode=ajp&
Here's another your psychiatrist can probably access:
https://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/doi...urnalCode=ajp&
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: Canada
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Hey FF. I'm so sorry to hear that your back in hospital. I think most of us are left to deal with underlying issues when we stop the alcohol so you are right where you should be...in recovery and working on YOU.
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Originally Posted by freedomfries
In the psych ward. The good news is I'm twelve weeks sober on Thursday. The psychosis was terrifying though. My family were driving me to the hospital and I thought for sure I was going to be executed. My thoughts went completely crazy. This is happening very frequently lately. I think I've just ruined my mind from my experimenting with meth years ago. I haven't touched drugs in years . I don't even drink. It's very sad that Im still paying for my drug use.
Not The Way way, Just the way
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: US
Posts: 1,413
Hi FF,
Glad you checked in here.
First, I’ll come from a non-AVRT perspective.
Over the last ten years or so, you have enjoyed what I call the wild life of both excessive alcohol and drug use along with trying to do “the right things” that you see people around you (like your sisters) doing (college, workout, etc). Here on SR we know what that’s like. That’s exactly what I did throughout my 20’s as well. That lifestyle’s problems kept packing on, snowballing us downhill towards catastrophic failure, but we finally tunneled out and jumped in front of it and braced ourselves to the ground pushing back and it all came to a skidding halt; not far from the edge of that cliff of death. We stopped drinking/drugging.
The core of that ball was it’s purpose of existence. It loved the sensation of rolling (drinking/drugging) and it was now motionless, in suspended animation. Over the last three months for you, FF, the packed on problems have begun to melt; you are looking around seeing and feeling sort of like a newly hatched chick. Wow, what is this world away from all that rolling? And as the laws of nature are enacted (executed) the melting picks up speed and the dark core of that ball is exposed for what it really is; a grossly dangerous part of YOU that loves rolling without care for your humanity. Stuck there in the snowpack the ball is now completely exposed to you for what it is and for you to do with it what you want.
Well, soon after you stopped it, you decided it would NEVER roll again as you took the centuries old pledge of permanent abstinence. It will sink as an artifact into the ground of your past, buried as in a graveyard. Executed by YOU.
————-
From an AVRT perspective:
You have been doing a huge amount of “shifting” over the last three months since you made your Big Plan; testing that Big Plan; behaving in ways that to an outsider might appear like you haven’t made that hugely consequential change of course in your life.
I mean, you can only do everything else the same but drink for only so long before it gets ridiculously monotonous. Buy booze and give it away. Enjoy hanging out with drunk people. Make up trite excuses for why not drinking at a particular moment you find yourself in is WHY you are not drinking at that moment.
In AVRT all this is called “shifting” and IS ultimately harmless since you HAVE MADE your BIG PLAN.
The reason why I think you have taken “shifting” to an extreme is because, deep inside, you recognize there really is a real sadness of having executed the BEAST (that dark ball), and somehow reenacting the exact motions associated with, and trying to re-feel that old assault of pleasure without actually drinking calms and comforts what YOU feel is YOU. Well, in AVRT all those feelings of sadness over EXECUTING your BEAST of booze/drugs IS the Addictive Voice. And YOU can “shift” until the cows come home, but that cannot change that you made a pledge of permanent abstinence. Try to revel that you are killing off an unwanted part of you, not a real human being. In fact, killing IT off actually brings YOU back into your full humantiy which has been missing for years up until now.
Allowing that whole way of living, manipulating, lying, sneaking, protecting, coveting, possessing, not-caring, risking, struggling, mood-swinging, suffering, isolating, re-grouping, re-covering, re-placating, re-assuring, re-binging, re, re, re-ing ad infinitum. Exhausting. Yeah, that, too. Re-exhausting. Where was I?
Oh, allowing all THAT? The sadness over NOT allowing all that MUST BE your Addictive Voice. All negative thoughts and feelings about NOT drinking are from your AV. All that is worth it to your AV in order to regain the assault of pleasure.
I know you can soon live without fear of executing your BEAST of Booze. Don’t let IT con you into thinking YOU will be executed along with IT. Exactly the opposite. Please try to relish the long, unknown, and fully human future you have for yourself. It may have some of the same feelings that trying to manage your addiction had, but they will be 100% connected to VERY different things going on around and within you.
GT
PS: and now that you’re there, make the best use of all those services to learn more about YOU.
Glad you checked in here.
First, I’ll come from a non-AVRT perspective.
Over the last ten years or so, you have enjoyed what I call the wild life of both excessive alcohol and drug use along with trying to do “the right things” that you see people around you (like your sisters) doing (college, workout, etc). Here on SR we know what that’s like. That’s exactly what I did throughout my 20’s as well. That lifestyle’s problems kept packing on, snowballing us downhill towards catastrophic failure, but we finally tunneled out and jumped in front of it and braced ourselves to the ground pushing back and it all came to a skidding halt; not far from the edge of that cliff of death. We stopped drinking/drugging.
The core of that ball was it’s purpose of existence. It loved the sensation of rolling (drinking/drugging) and it was now motionless, in suspended animation. Over the last three months for you, FF, the packed on problems have begun to melt; you are looking around seeing and feeling sort of like a newly hatched chick. Wow, what is this world away from all that rolling? And as the laws of nature are enacted (executed) the melting picks up speed and the dark core of that ball is exposed for what it really is; a grossly dangerous part of YOU that loves rolling without care for your humanity. Stuck there in the snowpack the ball is now completely exposed to you for what it is and for you to do with it what you want.
Well, soon after you stopped it, you decided it would NEVER roll again as you took the centuries old pledge of permanent abstinence. It will sink as an artifact into the ground of your past, buried as in a graveyard. Executed by YOU.
————-
From an AVRT perspective:
You have been doing a huge amount of “shifting” over the last three months since you made your Big Plan; testing that Big Plan; behaving in ways that to an outsider might appear like you haven’t made that hugely consequential change of course in your life.
I mean, you can only do everything else the same but drink for only so long before it gets ridiculously monotonous. Buy booze and give it away. Enjoy hanging out with drunk people. Make up trite excuses for why not drinking at a particular moment you find yourself in is WHY you are not drinking at that moment.
In AVRT all this is called “shifting” and IS ultimately harmless since you HAVE MADE your BIG PLAN.
The reason why I think you have taken “shifting” to an extreme is because, deep inside, you recognize there really is a real sadness of having executed the BEAST (that dark ball), and somehow reenacting the exact motions associated with, and trying to re-feel that old assault of pleasure without actually drinking calms and comforts what YOU feel is YOU. Well, in AVRT all those feelings of sadness over EXECUTING your BEAST of booze/drugs IS the Addictive Voice. And YOU can “shift” until the cows come home, but that cannot change that you made a pledge of permanent abstinence. Try to revel that you are killing off an unwanted part of you, not a real human being. In fact, killing IT off actually brings YOU back into your full humantiy which has been missing for years up until now.
Allowing that whole way of living, manipulating, lying, sneaking, protecting, coveting, possessing, not-caring, risking, struggling, mood-swinging, suffering, isolating, re-grouping, re-covering, re-placating, re-assuring, re-binging, re, re, re-ing ad infinitum. Exhausting. Yeah, that, too. Re-exhausting. Where was I?
Oh, allowing all THAT? The sadness over NOT allowing all that MUST BE your Addictive Voice. All negative thoughts and feelings about NOT drinking are from your AV. All that is worth it to your AV in order to regain the assault of pleasure.
I know you can soon live without fear of executing your BEAST of Booze. Don’t let IT con you into thinking YOU will be executed along with IT. Exactly the opposite. Please try to relish the long, unknown, and fully human future you have for yourself. It may have some of the same feelings that trying to manage your addiction had, but they will be 100% connected to VERY different things going on around and within you.
GT
PS: and now that you’re there, make the best use of all those services to learn more about YOU.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan
FF, it is not likely that your mind is ruined from meth use. I did a TON of meth and coke and acid for almost 30 years. And while it did change me, at a young age, a short period of meth use is not typically enough to permanently and dramatically alter brain function.. It is more likely you have a chemical imbalance that the doctors need to figure out. If you stay sober, this will resolve. I know you keep hitting major obstacles, but from where you've come FF, I think you are doing great. What are your existing diagnoses?
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Gosh....What sort of psych ward?
How are you even posting on the web? Are there not some pretty strict rules when one attends such a place?
Over here, in the US, people are not even allowed shoe laces or any personal belongings due to them hurting themselves or others. Phone calls and activity is monitored. I would think it would be similar in other places.
How are you even posting on the web? Are there not some pretty strict rules when one attends such a place?
Over here, in the US, people are not even allowed shoe laces or any personal belongings due to them hurting themselves or others. Phone calls and activity is monitored. I would think it would be similar in other places.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,436
Hi FF
although we’re all well meaning folk here none of us are doctors, or at least none of us are your doctors.
Obviously there’s something going on...pass on the ideas here by all means but in the end I’d trust your doctors to find the problem and treat it.
I do not think you’ve ‘ruined your mind’ - 90% of the time you’re doing fine
Hoping this is the last time you have to be hospitalised for this though cos I know how much you hate it.
Congrats on 12 weeks
D
although we’re all well meaning folk here none of us are doctors, or at least none of us are your doctors.
Obviously there’s something going on...pass on the ideas here by all means but in the end I’d trust your doctors to find the problem and treat it.
I do not think you’ve ‘ruined your mind’ - 90% of the time you’re doing fine
Hoping this is the last time you have to be hospitalised for this though cos I know how much you hate it.
Congrats on 12 weeks
D
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Originally Posted by Mizz P
Gosh....What sort of psych ward?
How are you even posting on the web? Are there not some pretty strict rules when one attends such a place?
Over here, in the US, people are not even allowed shoe laces or any personal belongings due to them hurting themselves or others. Phone calls and activity is monitored. I would think it would be similar in other places.
How are you even posting on the web? Are there not some pretty strict rules when one attends such a place?
Over here, in the US, people are not even allowed shoe laces or any personal belongings due to them hurting themselves or others. Phone calls and activity is monitored. I would think it would be similar in other places.
I'm in high obs which means I can have my phone but only in certain parts of the ward and I have to leave it with the nurse when I'm not using it. It'd suck if we didn't have phones since we cant have visitors with covid
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Join Date: Jan 2020
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Originally Posted by GerandTwine
Hi FF,
Glad you checked in here.
First, I’ll come from a non-AVRT perspective.
Over the last ten years or so, you have enjoyed what I call the wild life of both excessive alcohol and drug use along with trying to do “the right things” that you see people around you (like your sisters) doing (college, workout, etc). Here on SR we know what that’s like. That’s exactly what I did throughout my 20’s as well. That lifestyle’s problems kept packing on, snowballing us downhill towards catastrophic failure, but we finally tunneled out and jumped in front of it and braced ourselves to the ground pushing back and it all came to a skidding halt; not far from the edge of that cliff of death. We stopped drinking/drugging.
The core of that ball was it’s purpose of existence. It loved the sensation of rolling (drinking/drugging) and it was now motionless, in suspended animation. Over the last three months for you, FF, the packed on problems have begun to melt; you are looking around seeing and feeling sort of like a newly hatched chick. Wow, what is this world away from all that rolling? And as the laws of nature are enacted (executed) the melting picks up speed and the dark core of that ball is exposed for what it really is; a grossly dangerous part of YOU that loves rolling without care for your humanity. Stuck there in the snowpack the ball is now completely exposed to you for what it is and for you to do with it what you want.
Well, soon after you stopped it, you decided it would NEVER roll again as you took the centuries old pledge of permanent abstinence. It will sink as an artifact into the ground of your past, buried as in a graveyard. Executed by YOU.
————-
From an AVRT perspective:
You have been doing a huge amount of “shifting” over the last three months since you made your Big Plan; testing that Big Plan; behaving in ways that to an outsider might appear like you haven’t made that hugely consequential change of course in your life.
I mean, you can only do everything else the same but drink for only so long before it gets ridiculously monotonous. Buy booze and give it away. Enjoy hanging out with drunk people. Make up trite excuses for why not drinking at a particular moment you find yourself in is WHY you are not drinking at that moment.
In AVRT all this is called “shifting” and IS ultimately harmless since you HAVE MADE your BIG PLAN.
The reason why I think you have taken “shifting” to an extreme is because, deep inside, you recognize there really is a real sadness of having executed the BEAST (that dark ball), and somehow reenacting the exact motions associated with, and trying to re-feel that old assault of pleasure without actually drinking calms and comforts what YOU feel is YOU. Well, in AVRT all those feelings of sadness over EXECUTING your BEAST of booze/drugs IS the Addictive Voice. And YOU can “shift” until the cows come home, but that cannot change that you made a pledge of permanent abstinence. Try to revel that you are killing off an unwanted part of you, not a real human being. In fact, killing IT off actually brings YOU back into your full humantiy which has been missing for years up until now.
Allowing that whole way of living, manipulating, lying, sneaking, protecting, coveting, possessing, not-caring, risking, struggling, mood-swinging, suffering, isolating, re-grouping, re-covering, re-placating, re-assuring, re-binging, re, re, re-ing ad infinitum. Exhausting. Yeah, that, too. Re-exhausting. Where was I?
Oh, allowing all THAT? The sadness over NOT allowing all that MUST BE your Addictive Voice. All negative thoughts and feelings about NOT drinking are from your AV. All that is worth it to your AV in order to regain the assault of pleasure.
I know you can soon live without fear of executing your BEAST of Booze. Don’t let IT con you into thinking YOU will be executed along with IT. Exactly the opposite. Please try to relish the long, unknown, and fully human future you have for yourself. It may have some of the same feelings that trying to manage your addiction had, but they will be 100% connected to VERY different things going on around and within you.
GT
PS: and now that you’re there, make the best use of all those services to learn more about YOU.
Glad you checked in here.
First, I’ll come from a non-AVRT perspective.
Over the last ten years or so, you have enjoyed what I call the wild life of both excessive alcohol and drug use along with trying to do “the right things” that you see people around you (like your sisters) doing (college, workout, etc). Here on SR we know what that’s like. That’s exactly what I did throughout my 20’s as well. That lifestyle’s problems kept packing on, snowballing us downhill towards catastrophic failure, but we finally tunneled out and jumped in front of it and braced ourselves to the ground pushing back and it all came to a skidding halt; not far from the edge of that cliff of death. We stopped drinking/drugging.
The core of that ball was it’s purpose of existence. It loved the sensation of rolling (drinking/drugging) and it was now motionless, in suspended animation. Over the last three months for you, FF, the packed on problems have begun to melt; you are looking around seeing and feeling sort of like a newly hatched chick. Wow, what is this world away from all that rolling? And as the laws of nature are enacted (executed) the melting picks up speed and the dark core of that ball is exposed for what it really is; a grossly dangerous part of YOU that loves rolling without care for your humanity. Stuck there in the snowpack the ball is now completely exposed to you for what it is and for you to do with it what you want.
Well, soon after you stopped it, you decided it would NEVER roll again as you took the centuries old pledge of permanent abstinence. It will sink as an artifact into the ground of your past, buried as in a graveyard. Executed by YOU.
————-
From an AVRT perspective:
You have been doing a huge amount of “shifting” over the last three months since you made your Big Plan; testing that Big Plan; behaving in ways that to an outsider might appear like you haven’t made that hugely consequential change of course in your life.
I mean, you can only do everything else the same but drink for only so long before it gets ridiculously monotonous. Buy booze and give it away. Enjoy hanging out with drunk people. Make up trite excuses for why not drinking at a particular moment you find yourself in is WHY you are not drinking at that moment.
In AVRT all this is called “shifting” and IS ultimately harmless since you HAVE MADE your BIG PLAN.
The reason why I think you have taken “shifting” to an extreme is because, deep inside, you recognize there really is a real sadness of having executed the BEAST (that dark ball), and somehow reenacting the exact motions associated with, and trying to re-feel that old assault of pleasure without actually drinking calms and comforts what YOU feel is YOU. Well, in AVRT all those feelings of sadness over EXECUTING your BEAST of booze/drugs IS the Addictive Voice. And YOU can “shift” until the cows come home, but that cannot change that you made a pledge of permanent abstinence. Try to revel that you are killing off an unwanted part of you, not a real human being. In fact, killing IT off actually brings YOU back into your full humantiy which has been missing for years up until now.
Allowing that whole way of living, manipulating, lying, sneaking, protecting, coveting, possessing, not-caring, risking, struggling, mood-swinging, suffering, isolating, re-grouping, re-covering, re-placating, re-assuring, re-binging, re, re, re-ing ad infinitum. Exhausting. Yeah, that, too. Re-exhausting. Where was I?
Oh, allowing all THAT? The sadness over NOT allowing all that MUST BE your Addictive Voice. All negative thoughts and feelings about NOT drinking are from your AV. All that is worth it to your AV in order to regain the assault of pleasure.
I know you can soon live without fear of executing your BEAST of Booze. Don’t let IT con you into thinking YOU will be executed along with IT. Exactly the opposite. Please try to relish the long, unknown, and fully human future you have for yourself. It may have some of the same feelings that trying to manage your addiction had, but they will be 100% connected to VERY different things going on around and within you.
GT
PS: and now that you’re there, make the best use of all those services to learn more about YOU.
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Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,588
Sorry you are back in hospital FF, but glad you are still sober. Mammoth job, given what you are going/been through.
It will be interesting to read the articles on relationship between Antabuse and psychosis, but agree to trust your doctors on how best to stabilise you. Did you have episodes pre Antabuse? You say diagnosis bipolar?
How's the Pepsimax going?
On your side FF. This is a difficult road, but not one you won't be able to navigate sober.
Twelve weeks is awesome.
It will be interesting to read the articles on relationship between Antabuse and psychosis, but agree to trust your doctors on how best to stabilise you. Did you have episodes pre Antabuse? You say diagnosis bipolar?
How's the Pepsimax going?
On your side FF. This is a difficult road, but not one you won't be able to navigate sober.
Twelve weeks is awesome.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 774
Originally Posted by Mizz P
Gosh....What sort of psych ward?
Originally Posted by Mizz P
How are you even posting on the web? Are there not some pretty strict rules when one attends such a place?
Over here, in the US, people are not even allowed shoe laces or any personal belongings due to them hurting themselves or others. Phone calls and activity is monitored. I would think it would be similar in other places.
Over here, in the US, people are not even allowed shoe laces or any personal belongings due to them hurting themselves or others. Phone calls and activity is monitored. I would think it would be similar in other places.
St Pats and St John of Gods allow phones (the latter not in the addictions ward), I've been in both. Not sure about the other Irish hospitals.
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