Be123

Hi everyone. I'm nine months sober today. Can barely believe it and am so grateful to wake up sober this morning.

As time has gone on the way I think about alcohol has changed. The first four or five months I thought about booze a lot and felt I wanted to drink. Now I don't want to drink. I don't think about drinking 'today' at all, I'm out of the habit if not out of the addiction.

But now I find myself thinking about drinking in the future a lot, to the point I've almost made the decision to start drinking again at some point. I'm fairly relaxed about this - it won't be today because I don't want to drink, and this makes me think that it's unlikely to be tomorrow, or the following day etc etc. The thoughts are more theoretical than in the early days when I felt on edge, as if I may drink against my will at any point.

Im very aware of the relapse ladder and so am telling on myself and my addiction. I've started preparing to drink by telling a few people that I haven't 'given up forever'. I have minimized a few of the past consequences of drinking and idealised drinking in the future. I am not close to a relapse but I don't want to let this stuff build and then catch me unawares.

Any advice would be welcome. The nature of my addition is that it's very pervasive and crafty and hard to tell apart the 'me' from my addiction.

Thanks everyone for your support, 9 months only possible to this site and everyone on it

PuckLuck

I had the same thoughts when I was at 8 months and it kept building and building until I finally gave in and drank. I didn't have much at first, but that didn't last long and immediately proceeded to go on a bender. Fast forward two years later and way down the rabbit hole... I have only a week sober. Point being, it went downhill fast and it got right back out of control just like it was before. I cannot handle alcohol. It handles me.

MaximusD

Be123. I am not going to beat around the bush. I am scared for you and I think you should be too. You need to do something big and get this out of your head. I don't know what that needs to be but something has to be done to stop this path or I fear it will lead to a relapse. I can't remember the exact saying but the relapse happens well before the drink. You know the reality of what will happen and you know you can't moderate. I think you should reaffirm your quit and maybe you can let those people know that you thought it through and realized that you are not going to drink again.

Mags1

Hi Be, congratulations on 9 months.

It’s good you came and spoke about how you’re feeling before you pick up a drink.

I wonder what made you stop initially? Was it that you drank too much, didn’t have an ‘off’ switch like myself?
Whatever made you stop, will this have changed in your head?
Imagine the tape playing it forward to you starting drinking again and all the consequences it brings with it.

Before I stopped permanently my longest sober time was 8 months. I then went on a London theatre weekend trip and had a glass or two thinking, I’ve got the handle on this.
Within a few months I plunged back to my 2/3 bottles wine a day.
It was like I’d never stopped.

Dee74

I dunno man - when I think about the things I've lost and the pain I have caused that pretty much knocks any thoughts of drinking again out.

I have no doubt that if I start drinking again it will be the same as I was or worse.

In a sense a lot of your new sober life has been on hold so far - things are just starting to move forward for you.

I believe there is a good, rich and full sober life in your future Be.
Maybe not what you envisaged it would look like, but my recovery life is better than one I could have dreamed of.

Don't give in before the miracle happens...right?

D

Be123

The is puck, mags, max and Dee.

I don't think I'm unique in toying with the idea that 'this time will be different'!!

I play the tape through and that works on a daily basis - I could not bear a hangover tomorrow, the heat and sweatiness etc. And also I enjoy running and walking and I know that would go. Plus I enjoy eating what I want and, as a ex cider drinker I enjoy not having to run to the loo in an emergency three times a day 🤢

I am happy to sit with my thoughts and watch them come and go. I currently think about drinking in the future and imagine it would be much different to last time. I don't think those thoughts are realistic, I'll let them go in the box with lottery wins, the perfect body and killer lines to Miss Wolrd

owen90

Well done on 9 months!


This is what has caused every single one of my own major relapses. The down-playing of past consequences is particularly dangerous as time passes by because the raw emotion of said consequences begin to erode. It sounds like your AV is trying to romanticize the idea of drinking again to me. I think it's important to catch yourself down-playing or minimizing the bad results of your drinking history and take a moment to re-focus.

aasharon90

It was explained to me from the very beginning
when I entered recovery back 1990, that if i entertained
the idea of thinking I could or can drink moderately
in the future, then I most likely will drink again. The
same as so many who did that before me.

I had to squash that idea and accept that I could never
drink successfully anytime down the road or ever because
I have an allergy and addiction to alcohol.

When i drink I get sick. I do things, say things that I
regret. Words or actions that are hurtful and dishonest.

I didnt want to be that person any longer and had
to learn how to not be that way. I wanted to live a
happy, healthy, free life off that merry go round of
insanity that comes with addiction.

Picking up a program of recovery and using that as
a guideline in all my affairs is by far the best way to
live my life, just like so many before me.

Today I am responsible in all I do and say because
alcohol addiction is not a part of it.

Of course this is how it works for me for some
many one days sober and still going with gratefullness
and gratitude.

Buttery

Depending where you are in the world you may be able to access some professional help address any unresolved issues that may push you back to drinking. Many places have free clinics that can help even after months or years of sobriety and hopefully prevent a relapse as opposed to picking up the pieces afterwards.

im a year sober and never thought it would happen. I had a lot of positives come my way and the negatives still come but they are so much easier to manage.

Maybe you haven’t had some sort of a wake up call yet... I thought I was hitting rock bottom but truth is each time you relapse the damage becomes worse. My withdrawals became very scary and very real to the point of needing medical detox, I lost many people, so much money, and years of my life in which I didn’t build anything happy.

a year later and my life is pretty damn good. Health, family, finances, mental health all looking much better and I hope will just become even more so.

If you have made it to 9 months you can make it to 10 and go from there. Small goals

snitch

Congratulations on 9 months that is awesome.

You probably didn't find yourself on a recovery forum because you had a bad hangover. What pain and misery brought you here? No amount of sober time will turn an alcoholic into a normal drinker. Sure if you want all your pain and misery back then by all means drink again. The same with me. I can drink again if I choose but why would I choose to go back to that hell on Earth I was existing in. All for one little drink. Cos it is the first drink that does the damage for people like us.

I have had to concede to my innermost self that I am an alcoholic. I can drink again if I choose but I cannot drink safely or moderately. Ever. My thousands and thousands of attempts prior to my sobriety have proved that to me.

Alcoholism is an illness of forgetfulness. It is an illness of denial. It is an illness of insanity. In my experience you need to squash those thoughts immediately because the more you let them sit in your head the more power you give to them and the next thing you will be picking up a drink before you know it and alcoholism never gets better, only worse.

There is nothing in the bottom of a bottle for people like us.

Stop focusing on drinking and put all of that focus into your recovery.

♥️🙏

Suzieq17

Be—when I had 9 months sober, I began feeling the same exact way. Years later, and I am now 6 days sober. Please talk to someone, reach out, stay close to SR and please don’t drink. I’m here for you, as I know others are as well.

D122y

I didn't find SR until I had been clean for a while.

The addiction morphs. It has craves for folks at 1 day, 1 month, 1 year, 10 years etc. and everything in between.

The addiction tries every angle from anger to happiness and everything in between.

The suffering I go through still is nothing compared to how amazing I feel.

I wouldn't know how amazing I feel if I didn't feel like hell for the previous 5 years.

AA talks about waiting for the miracle. I call the miracle clean time and therapy.

SR is my therapy. This place saved my life.

Don't rationalize a reason to drink. That is a morph of the addiction.

That is all I got for now.

Thanks.

tornrealization

I think it’s common to feel that way at the 8-9 month mark. I sure did, but I read enough on these boards and came to the conclusion based of science of addiction that my brain will always handle alcohol the same way despite the time sober. It’s like riding a bike! It will be instant desire to get “proper” drunk, which for me is a blackout.

So I’m a year and ten months into this quit. I still have these thoughts but they come less frequently and with less intensity. A few ways to handle them...play that tape forward. Play the immediate tape. Is one or two drinks really going to satisfy that crave or light the fire? One or two drinks, that would frustrate me and I’d be crabby all night. Play the tape toward a year, two, five.... are you wanting to risk being in that rabbit hole again? I told myself I’d quit at 30, I didn’t . I am quit in my forties. I want to be ten years quit in my fifties. I will be so experienced at being sober by then I’m hoping thoughts are just blips. I’ve read stories here that’s how it goes for some people.

Sobriety brings unexpected positive surprises still. A job opportunity popped up and not being hungover, groggy, or tipsy during the unexpected phone call lead to a sound discussion and an interview.

Repeat the mantra I don’t drink out loud and in your inner voice until that’s your reaction to drinks.

Just know these are just thoughts and they will pass. I do know that romantic drinking future thoughts can linger awhile, even a couple weeks but stay strong, retrain your brain on how to react to them and have faith in what you read on the SR boards they will fade back into the background.

nez

Kudos on the 9 months, how awesome is that!!!

The most daunting and challenging task I have ever faced in sobriety was is to accept my sober-self completely.

What I think, I become. What I feel, I attract. What I imagine, I create.

I could not make any real sustainable headway in recovery until the point at which self-searching became a regular habit. When that happened, I discovered that I was able to admit and accept what I found. This led to patiently and persistently correcting what is out of sync with my sober-self.

I no longer entertain/have any thoughts of future drinking. They are out of sync, and so they have disappeared.

fini

"I don't think I'm unique in toying with the idea that 'this time will be different'!!"
no, not unique.
for myself, this is the crux of the matter. as long as i had the illusion that it really might or would be different this time, there was always another 'this time'.
i had to concede to myself that it would never ever be different. had to know it. believe it, then i could let go.