anxiousrock

I dont work until tomorrow but I had the whole weekend off. On Sunday I drank a bottle of rum. Monday I woke up and started drinking beer, then ordered 3 bottles of wine and it cost $70 for delivery at 1030am. I dont have a lot of money so I cant believe I did that.
Sunday I also pulled out all of my eyelashes. I have done this before but i really hope they grow back. I think its a stress thing.
I also drunkenly tried calling my mum like 10 times at midnight. And she was pretty angry, especially when she realized I was drinking the next day too.
I didnt sleep a wink last night, just cuddled with my cat. I hate the fact that I did exactly what I didnt want to do. Drink, and drink way too much.
when will I get this right?

Mizz

You can get this right in this very moment.

Do not drink today.

What is it that you need to be successful? More tools? AA? Smart recovery?

Keep posting and stay close. Extra close. You can do this.

PuckLuck

Not sure anyone has the answer to this. I wonder this about myself all the time.

I mean, I have suffered humiliation, shame, guilt, regret, remorse x100M... Physical injuries, legal issues, financial issues, mental health issues, blown friendships, blown relationships, to total rock bottom and the thought still creeps up in my head I can drink. Which is absolutely ******** mind blowing considering what I've just described.

saoutchik

I'm so sorry you drank Samantha but you're still here so it's not the end of the world.

If you think back to Sunday before you picked up maybe you could have done something, an activity or diversion that would occupy your thoughts and prevent you from taking that first drink. I realise it is harder during this pandemic as we have more time to ourselves but if you can do something, even as simple as going for a walk, it helps prevent those drinking thoughts from getting a hand hold on you.

Use how you are feeling now as a spur.

Hevyn

Hi anxiousrock. I'm sorry for the pain you're in. Most of us have been through the same sort of thing - so you never have to feel alone.
PuckLuck I have the same thoughts - any relief or enjoyment I might have gotten from drinking could never have been worth all the self-inflicted suffering.
Onward we go - talking to each other about this lessens our anxiety. I can tell you that I got it right after 30 yrs. of trying to be a social drinker. So I know you can too.

anxiousrock

I will not be drinking today.

BeABetterMan

The upside is that you’re one step closer to giving up that awful way of life. There is a certain amount of suffering each person has to endure prior to sobriety. You may not be there yet, but it seems like you’re getting there. When we realize that we know EXACTLY how drinking will turn out, no matter what controls we try to put in place or what we try to do to control the outcome, we start to see the alcohol for what it is - a lie. Everything it promises is a lie.

anxiousrock

it is a lie. It does not make me feel better, it makes me feel worse. I just wish I could remember that.

BeABetterMan

Eventually you will. Someday, hopefully soon, the pain of the memory will be so bad that the temporary relief alcohol promises will not be worth the suffering it guarantees.

Anna

AnxiousRock, you'll get it right when you fully accept that drinking is no longer an option, ever.

I'm glad you're not drinking today. Can you come up with a plan today to put into action when you next feel like drinking?

nez

Perhaps instead of remembering that what the bottle tells you is all lies, just remember that the truth is not a genie. It is not kept sequestered in a bottle. It is everything outside of the bottle.

sortofhomecomin

I did similarly stupid things - spending money I didn't have on booze - so no judgement here. Have you considered inpatient rehab? Is this an option for you?

anxiousrock

I have found that places like that don't really take me seriously. I binge badly, but only really once a month.
it is disordered drinking, and I am most definitely an alcoholic but I find a lot of places focus more on daily drinkers or those who are physically dependant.

anxiousrock

I was thinking about that today. Something needs to change.

SoberInCLE

I would seek support. Highly recommend AA.

Kaily

I'm sorry you drank Samantha. I know you were struggling beforehand. Now having drank, you are struggling even more, it is a cruel infliction which destroys lives.

I believe you want sobriety enough to succeed. You are on the cusp and this was a painful blip.

You can never drink again, it is in your hands.

anxiousrock

I do want sobriety.

Sober45

Those places that don't take you seriously sounds a lot like my mom. She always played down my drinking and told me I think too much (she's a daily drinker). This really hampered my recovery because every time I tried to quit, the AV was supported by her words. I'd be like...."yeah, F it, I just need to relax and have a drink, keep it in moderation". Obviously that never worked and so I drank continuously until age 45.

There had to be some kind of rationalizing going on right before you took the first drink...therein lies part of the problem. Hammer it down. I think BABM makes some really good points here, also.

You have what it takes to stay stopped. Otherwise, you wouldn't have had any sober days recently.

Robbie64

I agree 100% with this. I've been to counselling, rehab and drop in centres and I've found that counsellors sometimes fail to understand the nature of binge drinking. I've been able to go a week, two weeks or even longer without a drink and when given a drink diary to complete and having not drank between sessions the counsellor has failed to understand why I have taken in a completed diary with 0 alcohol intake for the previous 7 days. The general view of an alcoholic is someone who drinks on a daily, or almost daily, basis. As a result I have found that counselling and suggested treatment towards binge drinkers (who must surely make up a decent sized minority of people with alcohol problems) is at best basic and sometimes virtually non-existant.

anxiousrock

its the lockdown....its getting to me.