Phil71els

I'm in for another sober weekend. Today is day 26.

Its getting to that point where I need to spend time to calculate the days which is always a good milestone!

Kaily

Sao I can verify that I saw your post in last weeks thread before it mysteriously moved to this weeks. There are forces beyond our understanding at work.

Well done Phil, keep on counting those days.

PhoenixJ

me 2 here 4 weekend

Robbie64

Thanks Mag and hello Weekenders

I'm IN for an alcohol free weekend.

Devizes, congratulations on your 3rd bulimia free weekend.

Welcome relena. Try not to be too harsh on yourself. You're in your second week of sobriety and by the end of this weekend will be heading towards your third week.

Hi sao, Kaily, vMan, lunar, Cityboy, MLD51, biminiblue, SoberLeigh, Citrus and PhoenixJ.

Phil, well done on day 26. It will soon be one month. Then it starts to become easier to count weeks and months rather than days!

I've just been standing at my front door getting some fresh air and I find it strange to see Christmas tree lights twinkling in windows when it's only November 12. Two houses directly opposite me now have a Christmas tree with lights up at the front windows. I'm assuming it's people trying to shake off the gloom of Covid and lockdown. I've also noticed that Christmas songs are streaming well on Spotify at the moment with Mariah Carey's 'All I Want For Christmas Is You' and 'Last Christmas' by Wham! both doing very well. I love the songs - but prefer to hear them in December and not before!

relena

God the easily spooked thing has been going on for years now. And when I do get spooked it's a full on jump out of my skin, every nerve ending in my body is on fire kind of feeling. I never experienced that in my life until I was 3 years into my heavy drinking. Longest i've gone sober in 8 years was 1 1/2 years, and then 20 days. Even after 1 1/2 years I still had that reaction when I was spooked or afraid. I've come to terms that I could have done some permanent damage to my central nervous system. I've put my body through the wringer over the years. I can still walk, talk, have perfect vision and my mind is mostly still there. So that is something to work with.

I look forward to when I can exercise more, I can't do much right now. I injured myself on my last blackout. It just wouldn't be a blackout for me if I didn't hurt myself, or someone else in any way possible.

There are so many reasons an addict will end up relapsing, and I think i've just about exhausted every excuse in the book. I was able to confide in a friend yesterday something i've realized this time around. I don't know when it happened exactly, but out of everything alcohol has made me lose, the worst loss was myself. I used to be someone. I had hobbies, I enjoyed doing things, I took care of myself. Then I didn't enjoy doing anything without drinking. When I was sober, I felt completely lost.

The worst feeling in the world was being 5 months pregnant and into my sobriety. I started feeling my baby kick. After being told by doctors i'd never have a baby, and being devastated because I always wanted to be a mother. I had a baby growing inside of me, kicking me. I still felt emotionally numb. I didn't feel sad all of the time like I usually do, but my moments of happiness were so brief. I had the easiest pregnancy ever. That was probably the most mentally stable i've ever been in my life. But the fact that I couldn't feel excitement anymore, especially for what was going to be the most exciting moment of my life made me believe I was broken.

I hate that when I become sober I come up with all of these excuses and i've worked through a lot of them recently. But it's been a while since I thought about this one. I wonder if I will ever come back, if i'll enjoy life again or if i'll have to go back to putting on a mask like I did at the lowest points in my life. Those passed when I thought they wouldn't. But those low points were a result of traumatic things happening in my life. Not the result of me pumping my body full of copious amounts of a neurotoxin over the span of nearly a decade. I don't know that this will pass. It's not a reason to want to go back, I don't. I'm truly defeated. I'd rather be the mentally stable numb version of myself than the uncertain drunk. It would be nice to get through a day again where every single thing didn't feel forced.

Anyways, long rant. Thanks to anyone who made it through.

saoutchik

Welcome to Weekenders Citrus, congratulations on making it to 3 days, you can do it.

relevant, i'm sad that you have had traumatic events in your past but I feel sure you have a better chance of confronting and minimising their impact as a sober person than by drinking.

MLD51

Hey, relena, I hear you. I also worried that I'd never really feel emotion again. When I fist quit all I could feel was sadness and grief. I really thought I'd never feel positive emotions again. I had this fear that the real me was gone forever, that I'd somehow killed her with booze. I was lost and unmoored. I didn't know how to be ME anymore. I still don't think I feel things as strongly as I'd like to - it's almost like I'm afraid to. I've been sober almost 6 years. I can tell you this - that anhedonia does get better over time. I started feeling glimmers of joy after a couple of months. Your brain chemistry is out of whack and it takes time for that to repair itself. You have to give yourself a good few months before deciding anything about how being sober "feels," if that makes sense.

Look up PAWS (Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome) for some scientific insight on this. Knowing all this in early sobriety really helped put things into perspective for me.

relena

Yeah anhedonia completely sucks. You say you felt glimmers of joy in just a couple of months and i'm honestly envious. It took me so much longer than that to feel any kind of happy feeling. Everyone is different though I know.

Robbie64

I'd not heard the word "anhedonia" before MLD51 mentioned it but after looking up its meaning I can identify with it. That is exactly how I felt before I started drinking way back in my late teens. It's also how I have often felt when I've had periods of not drinking and I think to a degree (though not as much) that I am still experiencing it even now.

Bodhi02

Hi everyone, your stories all make me feel like I’m not alone in this. I’m on day 4. Weekends are typically a bust I’ve “successfully” gone without alcohol on Friday, but find some excuse on Saturday.

I keep thinking about future events like Christmas being hard, its overwhelming. I have to keep reminding myself just worry about today..just one day at a time.

SoberLeigh

Welcome, Bodhi. Glad you are here.

We do this sober thing TOGETHER.

Mags1

Hiya Bodhi, welcome glad you found us....plenty of support from people who ‘get’ us.

Kaily

I have suffered several periods of Anhedonia, it is a terrible deliberating condition. On occasions it left me barely able to function, not eating, sleeping or anything. Just kinda surviving like a scared animal. I live in fear of becoming that ill again. Terrible.

Got my phone physio appointment this morning for my hip/back problems. Physio by phone, who ever would of thought it possible.

Yesterday I took my Dad shopping, whilst out he wanted to pick up some lager. He has no idea how much it triggers me. As he is always looking for a potential bargain he was dithering. What amazed me was that I was still able to recite the exact alcohol strengths of the various brands without looking. Something you learn when looking for the cheapest strongest option to get you drunk in a hurry.

Happy Safe Sober Friday 13th all.

least

Love the 50 cats with face masks gif.

theVman31

Ouuuuuuuhhhhh

It's friday the 13th !

If you see this guy this evening while walking the dog or cat dont ask him for directions

Robbie64

Morning Weekenders!

Welcome to the Weekenders thread Bohdi. Saturday was also my day where I would look for any excuse to drink. I could just about manage to get through a Friday evening without a drink - though it was a struggle - but found it next to impossible to make it through a Saturday without one. I would somehow feel cheated if I went back to work on a Monday after having not had a drink at all at the weekend. It's easier said than done but try to not worry this weekend about things like Christmas. Congratulations on getting to day 4/5. By Monday that will be a full week.

Kaily, one of my friends had a physio appointment by webcam a few months ago. He said it was farcical as at one point he had to hold his knee up to the camera while the physio directed him to touch certain parts of his knee while he made a diagnosis on what treatment was needed.

Yes, as vMan has posted, it's Friday the 13th. It's gloomy and wet outside but hopefully there aren't any mad slashers named Jason lurking in the shadows...

Cityboy

Welcome aboard bodhi.

Fridays were perhaps the most difficult for me to negotiate without drinking. Very few Fridays since the age of about 17 have gone with no alcohol through my entire life. I had little trouble finding most any day suitable for drinking though. To clarify, there have been few days since the age of 28 in which there was any attempt made towards not drinking some form of alcohol, unless perhaps I had a meeting scheduled for the following morning, and even that was 50/50 at best. Friday, though, was a special day in which I was likely to stop at the liquor store on the way home and see what looked good.

Christmas can be tough, which is a crying shame. Regardless of religious beliefs, it is supposed to be about the birth of unimaginable hope, and seeing family, but instead is about stressing over presents, food, and family drama. Us humans sure have a knack for screwing up a good thing.

Had to google Anhedonia. Big topic. Will have to report back on that.

Awake61

Gonna google anhedonia too. Here for the weekend. My work has pretty much shut down so I'm back to knitting and rug hooking. Amazing how it helps me focus. 10 months or so now. Grateful to be able to come here.

MLD51

Welcome, Bodhi. Stick around this weekend and we can help you get through it sober.

CityBoy said:
Us humans sure have a knack for screwing up a good thing.

Yep. This is why I often dream of being able to find a quiet place in the woods with a small lake to build a little cabin and just keep things simple. But I know that would be really difficult for me in practice. I grew up in a world of complicated convenience and I don't think I know how to survive without the modern world. So I'll have to figure out ways to escape from time to time to clear my head. My man friend's cabin is a good place for that. We don't go there as much as I'd like. He has no internet or tv there and usually not a good enough cell signal to do internet on a phone.

Robbie64

How do you feel when you're away for the weekend in the cabin, quite literally switched off from the world? I'd love to be able to get away to somewhere where there's no ringing phones, no pressures of day to day life and where all I need to worry about is what to cook for my next meal. It sounds idyllic though I think I'd probably only be able to do it for a short while. I'm so used to what in Britain is described as "all mod cons" which is defined in the dictionary as informal British slang for "the amenities and appliances characteristic of a well-equipped modern house that contribute to an easier and more comfortable way of life". In addition I think I'd probably start to feel very uncomfortable if I couldn't access the internet etc for more than a day or two. It would be interesting to see how I would cope with a back to basics lifestyle though.