Hey guys
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
I'm so sorry Ekohe. That is awful. I hope you can stay sober and feel the feelings coming your way. If you don't grieve, you will not heal, and you will not make good healthy decisions. Cry and cry and cry. Don't resist it. Much love to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: England
Posts: 315
Oh I'm so sorry you are going through this.
You need to mourn with the rest of your family and friends, at this time. Drinking will numb you, but you won't be able to mourn your brother in the proper way you need to x
You need to mourn with the rest of your family and friends, at this time. Drinking will numb you, but you won't be able to mourn your brother in the proper way you need to x
Member
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 98
Ekohe, I am so very sorry for your loss. My dad committed suicide when I was in high school and it is a loss and tragedy I would not ever wish for anyone to experience, I’m so sorry you are having to walk through this. I hope you are able to find the strength and support you need to not drink during such a hard time!! We are here for you!!
Here and now
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Toronto
Posts: 334
Originally Posted by Misssy2 
OH WTF! This is because he was afraid to go to jail 
? Is he older or younger than you?
I am so so sorry and I can't imagine being on Day 2 and having that kind of news.
My sister died unexpectedly when I was in the middle of a binge and I had to force myself to stop or I would not have made it to her wake/funeral.....I remember I was 2 days sober at her wake...I was so sick....
I hope you feel better soon and I think you will be better able to process the loss and better able to be available to mourn with other members in your family.
? Is he older or younger than you?I am so so sorry and I can't imagine being on Day 2 and having that kind of news.
My sister died unexpectedly when I was in the middle of a binge and I had to force myself to stop or I would not have made it to her wake/funeral.....I remember I was 2 days sober at her wake...I was so sick....
I hope you feel better soon and I think you will be better able to process the loss and better able to be available to mourn with other members in your family.
Yeah I think that played a major part, and he has a history of depression. We just thought he was in a good place so it kind of came out of nowhere. He was 3 years older than me. He left us all a voice mail, did it away from home, and planned it to make us be able to deal with it as best as I think he knew how. I will miss him dearly and I am up and down with my moods. I am allowing myself to cry, and he wanted me to get better as his last sort of wish, and told me and my mother this was not our faults, and we made him feel very loved. I am shattered but I believe I have already accepted that this was what he thought was best better then us potentially visiting him in jail for the next 5 years. I want more than anything to get better now and will not pick up. I will stay here for support as I need it more than ever. I want to quit now at 29, and start to heal from this.
Here and now
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Toronto
Posts: 334
Day 5, physically recovered, i think it's fair to say emotionally and mentally, even spiritually feeling bankrupt. We have done a lot of putting together the pieces here, and have had overwhelming support from family, and friends. I have accepted what has happened, and I have been able to comfort people, I am surprisingly strong as I had expected to fall apart. I think it has to do with his last message to me, that he wants me to get better and truly believes in me. I still find myself collapsing sometimes and just letting myself cry, but there is also a background feeling of peace and relief after watching him suffer on and off over the last 15 years. I have taken steps between reaching back out to AA, Grief counseling and therapy for my anxiety. I am talking to friends and family, I am allowing myself to feel everything, and I am comforting my mother. I realize I have a long journey ahead that only I can navigate but I have made a pact to him, and myself, that I will live the best life I can for him and myself.
This forum has always been here for me, through my many slips and success's. I need this family now especially, but for the first time if I am honest there is a deep sense of hope and determination.
Thank you for always being there for me
This forum has always been here for me, through my many slips and success's. I need this family now especially, but for the first time if I am honest there is a deep sense of hope and determination.
Thank you for always being there for me
Member
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: United Kingdom
Posts: 466
I am in absolute awe of the strength you have shown, Ekohe. I can't even begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling. To be working through it as you have shows the sheer resilience of your soul 🙏 I'm sending you all the positive energy I have.
Here and now
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Toronto
Posts: 334
Thank you guys
End of day 6, had an emotional day. Had his two best friends over, and them along with me and my angel of a mother started tidying up his room, putting some clothes away for donation, and going through what to keep and get rid of. Near the end of the day I took the two friends to the place where he took his own life, which was very emotional for the three of us. We buried a box with some dice of a game he loved playing, and they left him a joint. We then returned home and played a game on nintendo they always loved to play which was a nice distraction and a bonding experience for us.
When they left I went to the garage and grabbed a strong tall can of beer I realize I had hidden on last weekends bender, and spotted when we left for the spot my brother died earlier. I told my mother to meet me on the patio, and said it was for him, her and myself as I poured it out. I have absolutely no desire to drink, I am finding sometimes I feel almost paralyzed by sadness and grief, in the past I would have ran to the nearest drink, but I have made a promise to my brother that I will live the best possible life I can for the both of us, and that life does not include drinking. I have a long roller coaster ride ahead of me but I am tired of running from my emotions and I love him far to much to use his death as an excuse to self destruct.
End of day 6, had an emotional day. Had his two best friends over, and them along with me and my angel of a mother started tidying up his room, putting some clothes away for donation, and going through what to keep and get rid of. Near the end of the day I took the two friends to the place where he took his own life, which was very emotional for the three of us. We buried a box with some dice of a game he loved playing, and they left him a joint. We then returned home and played a game on nintendo they always loved to play which was a nice distraction and a bonding experience for us.
When they left I went to the garage and grabbed a strong tall can of beer I realize I had hidden on last weekends bender, and spotted when we left for the spot my brother died earlier. I told my mother to meet me on the patio, and said it was for him, her and myself as I poured it out. I have absolutely no desire to drink, I am finding sometimes I feel almost paralyzed by sadness and grief, in the past I would have ran to the nearest drink, but I have made a promise to my brother that I will live the best possible life I can for the both of us, and that life does not include drinking. I have a long roller coaster ride ahead of me but I am tired of running from my emotions and I love him far to much to use his death as an excuse to self destruct.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 178
I’m so sorry for the loss of your brother. I lost my sister to alcoholism, my brother was murdered for drugs and my nephew committed suicide after being raised by drug addicted and alcoholic parents. I have certainly seen my share. When you said you reached for that beer, I thought you were going to say you drank it. Instead, I was amazed that you dumped it out in honor of him. What a gift to give yourself and a wonderful way to honor his memory by committing to live your life clean and sober and not give addiction one more second of your time. He’s looking proudly down on you.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Prayers and condolences.
That is such a horrible event.
If someone close to me were to commit suicide, I would be in shock too.
You did the right thing by staying clean over it. Having a hangover plus the burden of a relapse would only make it worse.
Thanks.
That is such a horrible event.
If someone close to me were to commit suicide, I would be in shock too.
You did the right thing by staying clean over it. Having a hangover plus the burden of a relapse would only make it worse.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Warwick RI
Posts: 1,276
You sound like you are kind of "surprised" that you have made it to Day 6...and that to me is a really good sign that your mind and body are ready now but in the past you were unable to put it down...
I think your mind/body made the decision before your brothers passing because you were on Day 2 when he passed and now your brothers passing and his wishes are reinforcing your "quit".
I can never "fathom" someone committing suicide because I could never do it...I have thought about it...but could never actually do it....The fact he did do it...means to me he was in tremendous pain...and it is touching that during that tremendous pain he tried to ease the pain of you and your Mom by leaving that voicemail telling you it was not your fault and that you loved him thru everything...that was another gift....because my sister passing...I don't know if I could have done more...I struggled everyday when she first passed 1.5 years ago my ruminating about what I could have done different led me back to a drink many times.
My oldest son is 32 and I can't imagine him being gone or taking his own life...I feel for your Mom and I think it is probably a great relief to her that you are doing well....because she CANT lose another child..Keep going for them both
I think your mind/body made the decision before your brothers passing because you were on Day 2 when he passed and now your brothers passing and his wishes are reinforcing your "quit".
I can never "fathom" someone committing suicide because I could never do it...I have thought about it...but could never actually do it....The fact he did do it...means to me he was in tremendous pain...and it is touching that during that tremendous pain he tried to ease the pain of you and your Mom by leaving that voicemail telling you it was not your fault and that you loved him thru everything...that was another gift....because my sister passing...I don't know if I could have done more...I struggled everyday when she first passed 1.5 years ago my ruminating about what I could have done different led me back to a drink many times.
My oldest son is 32 and I can't imagine him being gone or taking his own life...I feel for your Mom and I think it is probably a great relief to her that you are doing well....because she CANT lose another child..Keep going for them both
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 743
I'm sorry for your loss. I never had any siblings. I got worse at making friends as I got older. My close friends I consider family. A couple of them I still have in my mid 40s and I was so young I don't remember meeting them. Another one that I got to know in my teens was like us except his allergy was to drugs instead of alcohol.
By my early teens i had completely scrapped the idea of God. I was forced to go to Catholic church as a kid and hated it. Wouldn't you know it thats about when depression and anxiety completely took over. I was miserable. I soon discovered the magic of alcohol.
I was highly functioning in my mid to later 20s but completely miserable. My friend like us was now completely cut to ribbons by drugs and went to rehab. A few weeks or so in i went to visit. I had no idea what recovery consisted of. To my surprise he jumped head first into a Christian way of life. He showed me a painting of Jesus lifting a completely broken man. This is the friend with the dirtiest jokes! He stayed clean for about a decade and his life and success became pretty amazing.
I can't just read a Bible and automatically accept it. I had to think it through. What was it that he and all his new Christian friends had. Recovered users and lifelong Christians, why was this working for these people?
I began to develop my own concept of God. I didnt attend church regularly or develop a Christian lifestyle but my thinking became open minded. My drinking had a ways to go to completely blow up on me. The next several years in my late 20s to early 30s were some of the happiest.
My friend eventually relapsed, happens to many like us. He ended up in rehab out of state and he didn't plan on coming home for quite a while. One of our last conversations. I was functioning, working hard all week and binge drinking and smoking crack many weekends. He had several months sober. I thought I was on top of things and thought I saw a path to happiness somehow in my messed up mind. We kept missing each others calls and when he finally got me said is everything all right? Looking back, I think something in his voice may have known the end was near. At the time I thought he is back on the Jesus and he will be fine.. I was like yeah everything is fine and I really meant it. In our final conversation he sounded really good. Like old times he gave some insight about how to deal with a new woman in my life. He was spot on. 3 days later he overdosed and was found dead the next morning. I was still using so I got drunk and rolled around on the floor and cried for a while.
Several months later my drinking caused my life to completely come apart. In just one night I went from a seemingly reliable company man to a potential felon without a driver's license. Legal cost i will have trouble affording because I smoke crack with money i should pay off credit cards with. That new woman is away visiting family, wait until she finds out I smoke crack!
I thought about just ending it. Then I remembered my friend. I remembered some of the things he use to say about God. I never went down that extreme Christian route. I had my own ideas about God and I took to recovery like a fish to water. Things started to make sense. Much of the anxiety I felt for the last several decades began to drop off. My sponsor once said to me I think your friend is looking out for you.
By my early teens i had completely scrapped the idea of God. I was forced to go to Catholic church as a kid and hated it. Wouldn't you know it thats about when depression and anxiety completely took over. I was miserable. I soon discovered the magic of alcohol.
I was highly functioning in my mid to later 20s but completely miserable. My friend like us was now completely cut to ribbons by drugs and went to rehab. A few weeks or so in i went to visit. I had no idea what recovery consisted of. To my surprise he jumped head first into a Christian way of life. He showed me a painting of Jesus lifting a completely broken man. This is the friend with the dirtiest jokes! He stayed clean for about a decade and his life and success became pretty amazing.
I can't just read a Bible and automatically accept it. I had to think it through. What was it that he and all his new Christian friends had. Recovered users and lifelong Christians, why was this working for these people?
I began to develop my own concept of God. I didnt attend church regularly or develop a Christian lifestyle but my thinking became open minded. My drinking had a ways to go to completely blow up on me. The next several years in my late 20s to early 30s were some of the happiest.
My friend eventually relapsed, happens to many like us. He ended up in rehab out of state and he didn't plan on coming home for quite a while. One of our last conversations. I was functioning, working hard all week and binge drinking and smoking crack many weekends. He had several months sober. I thought I was on top of things and thought I saw a path to happiness somehow in my messed up mind. We kept missing each others calls and when he finally got me said is everything all right? Looking back, I think something in his voice may have known the end was near. At the time I thought he is back on the Jesus and he will be fine.. I was like yeah everything is fine and I really meant it. In our final conversation he sounded really good. Like old times he gave some insight about how to deal with a new woman in my life. He was spot on. 3 days later he overdosed and was found dead the next morning. I was still using so I got drunk and rolled around on the floor and cried for a while.
Several months later my drinking caused my life to completely come apart. In just one night I went from a seemingly reliable company man to a potential felon without a driver's license. Legal cost i will have trouble affording because I smoke crack with money i should pay off credit cards with. That new woman is away visiting family, wait until she finds out I smoke crack!
I thought about just ending it. Then I remembered my friend. I remembered some of the things he use to say about God. I never went down that extreme Christian route. I had my own ideas about God and I took to recovery like a fish to water. Things started to make sense. Much of the anxiety I felt for the last several decades began to drop off. My sponsor once said to me I think your friend is looking out for you.
Here and now
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Toronto
Posts: 334
It's hard to believe two weeks have gone by. I have remained sober, though the shock wore off last thursday, and I have been going through it since then. Today is probably the most sad, drained and overwhelmed I've felt since it happened. I have no desire to drink, but need some support. My heart hurts, and I keep having little crying sessions, and am learning not to fight them and let them happen.
Not sure how I will get through this, but I know I will.
Not sure how I will get through this, but I know I will.
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