Those first days
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Those first days
The first days of sobriety after a bender for me are seemingly out of body, especially at night. The sweats, the disrupted sleep, the vivid dreams. Brain and body chemicals struggling to find a baseline and here’s me, along for the ride.
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Join Date: Feb 2016
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You seem to be in a revolving door, BABM. Kids with you: don't drink and entertain them like a BetterMan. Kids gone, drink like the opposite of that man.
BABM, what do you think needs to be actioned, implemented, incorporated, subsumed, to step out of that revolving door - to freedom?
BABM, what do you think needs to be actioned, implemented, incorporated, subsumed, to step out of that revolving door - to freedom?
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Posts: 1,598
Originally Posted by Tatsy 
You seem to be in a revolving door, BABM. Kids with you: don't drink and entertain them like a BetterMan. Kids gone, drink like the opposite of that man.
BABM, what do you think needs to be actioned, implemented, incorporated, subsumed, to step out of that revolving door - to freedom?
BABM, what do you think needs to be actioned, implemented, incorporated, subsumed, to step out of that revolving door - to freedom?
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
BABM, thanks for replying. I'm glad you have a plan in place, with the Antabuse in readiness for your friends visit. I'm not an AA person now, although in my past history I've attended AA and worked the Steps twice. Ultimately, I found freedom from drinking right here on SR, it's an awesome resource full of inspirational people. I'm drawn to your threads because you sound like such a good Dad, BABM, and it hurts to read of your drinking and despair, against that backdrop.
I've been in such despair, but there are ways out. It's just about trying different ways, until one clicks with your psyche.
I've been in such despair, but there are ways out. It's just about trying different ways, until one clicks with your psyche.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: I'm sitting right here ...
Posts: 918
I disagree with Tasty in that there are plural ways out. I know of only one way - to stop drinking permanently. That's it.
You can think about quitting and write about quitting and talk about quitting until the cows come home, but until you honestly know you're done drinking - you're just going to keep having these conversations and ultimately it all becomes very time consuming with not much to say for it except - I tried.
I know. Been there done that. I finally quit trying and just did it.
You can think about quitting and write about quitting and talk about quitting until the cows come home, but until you honestly know you're done drinking - you're just going to keep having these conversations and ultimately it all becomes very time consuming with not much to say for it except - I tried.
I know. Been there done that. I finally quit trying and just did it.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 2,576
Thank you for the reminder of my many many times attempting to get sober. Drying out is so dang miserable. You painted a pretty vivid picture. In the end, I just couldn't bear to do it again and went to AA (worked the steps) and finally got sober.
For me, no friend is worth having to dry out again. Maybe skip the visit for now if you dont feel strong enough. Continuing to put off sobriety might just kill you...or worse.
Michelle
For me, no friend is worth having to dry out again. Maybe skip the visit for now if you dont feel strong enough. Continuing to put off sobriety might just kill you...or worse.
Michelle
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
I agree with Lumen, the only way to stop drinking, is permanently. It proved for me, to be the far easier way. Because my AV couldn't be ignored if I left the door open to a relapse.
But this is a diverse site with both AA and non-AA members, and also you mentioned AA, BABM. And so I previously posted in order to reflect that fact and to remain politically correct.
But this is a diverse site with both AA and non-AA members, and also you mentioned AA, BABM. And so I previously posted in order to reflect that fact and to remain politically correct.
Re-Tread
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Meditation
Posts: 1,300
I'm noticing conflicting messages in your posts.
First post talks about withdrawal symptoms and implies not feeling well. Then theres antabuse which would lead me to believe you don't want to drink.
On the other end theres friends and last hurrahs.
Have you decided which side of the fence you want to land on?
First post talks about withdrawal symptoms and implies not feeling well. Then theres antabuse which would lead me to believe you don't want to drink.
On the other end theres friends and last hurrahs.
Have you decided which side of the fence you want to land on?
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Big City
Posts: 3,895
Ambivalence is such a part of late stage drinking. I'm sorry you are going through this but the idea you're even entertaining the AV who might pop up re your "friends" visiting shows you may have more suffering ahead. I say that with respect and as someone who has been exactly where you are.
It's good that another drunk night sounds ludicrous - now what are you going to do to make sure you stay sober?
It's good that another drunk night sounds ludicrous - now what are you going to do to make sure you stay sober?
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan
Maybe start working the steps again with a sponsor instead of just going to meetings. Get some accountability. Some growth. I’m starting my Antabuse again today. First HUGE test comes Tuesday when my two friends are here from out of town. We usually drink. My AV is already telling me it would be a good last night. Typing this out makes me realize how ludicrous that is. To start over at zero. Less than zero actually. I’ll start my Antabuse today while I’m still strong. By Tuesday night it will be set in.
Life Goes On
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 6,069
BABM, I submit that your first and most important step is today. Once you make the decision, finally, that you never drink, you will find no tests to your sobriety. You will find challenges, for sure, but they are likely to be in the nature of learning to live through your discomfort. Sounds simple, but it is really difficult. Way harder than drinking, but so much more rewarding when handled in a healthy way.
There is no final exam, no final test in this thing. Anticipating that a future event is going to cause you (the real you) to want to drink is pure AV. The real you that decides not to drink will not allow it and will do every single thing in his power to Not Drink Now, ever.
Definitely recommend that you find yourself a good sponsor. I found the right one after a few months of keeping my ears peeled at daily meetings via Zoom. I recognized her the moment she spoke. What a happy circumstance that was, as I'd really struggled with my previous sponsors!
Take the antabuse now.
Take it every morning first thing before you have a chance to think about it.
You can do this. I know because I am doing it and I'm pretty sure most folks would have laid heavy odds against that every happening.
O
There is no final exam, no final test in this thing. Anticipating that a future event is going to cause you (the real you) to want to drink is pure AV. The real you that decides not to drink will not allow it and will do every single thing in his power to Not Drink Now, ever.
Definitely recommend that you find yourself a good sponsor. I found the right one after a few months of keeping my ears peeled at daily meetings via Zoom. I recognized her the moment she spoke. What a happy circumstance that was, as I'd really struggled with my previous sponsors!
Take the antabuse now.
Take it every morning first thing before you have a chance to think about it.
You can do this. I know because I am doing it and I'm pretty sure most folks would have laid heavy odds against that every happening.
O
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 743
The way I understand it going to meetings is the fellowship of AA and the steps are the actual program. Some can get sober just factoring the fellowship into their recovery. Maybe I could've I dont know, I got a sponsor and worked the steps. It's not for everyone but it helped me, its helped millions, so its definitely a path. Probably the best known path.
Calling my sponsor everyday in the first 90 was a tremendous help staying sober. I let him know where I was I at, were cravings bad that day or was it a good day. What's on my mind, upcoming challenges suggestions on how I can handle or look at things. I was really busy at work with a big project that the company was spending a good of money on and had to keep this recovery secret and go on like nothing was wrong. I still was making 5 or 6 meetings a week in those early days. Some may need 7 or more, some may only need a few, everyone is a little different. For me that constant bombardment of meetings really helped me stay on the right track early on. The fellowship of AA was really helpful, especially combined with the program. Its not for everyone but that's the way I got sober.
The drinking is a symptom of alcoholism so the steps treat the actual alcoholism. I think AA works better then it gets credit for. It's like if you have a back ache and take a pain killer. Sure the back feels better right away but something in the back is still out of place. The pain is just a symptom. The steps are like the surgery that fixes the back. Many still need to keep coming for back adjustments after the surgery but the root of the problem is taken care of.
Calling my sponsor everyday in the first 90 was a tremendous help staying sober. I let him know where I was I at, were cravings bad that day or was it a good day. What's on my mind, upcoming challenges suggestions on how I can handle or look at things. I was really busy at work with a big project that the company was spending a good of money on and had to keep this recovery secret and go on like nothing was wrong. I still was making 5 or 6 meetings a week in those early days. Some may need 7 or more, some may only need a few, everyone is a little different. For me that constant bombardment of meetings really helped me stay on the right track early on. The fellowship of AA was really helpful, especially combined with the program. Its not for everyone but that's the way I got sober.
The drinking is a symptom of alcoholism so the steps treat the actual alcoholism. I think AA works better then it gets credit for. It's like if you have a back ache and take a pain killer. Sure the back feels better right away but something in the back is still out of place. The pain is just a symptom. The steps are like the surgery that fixes the back. Many still need to keep coming for back adjustments after the surgery but the root of the problem is taken care of.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
I agree with both Tatsy and Lumen, even though they disagree. I think that violates some rule of logic, but I'll stand by it because I think they actually agree more than they disagree. I agree with Tatsy that there are multiple ways out. I agree with Lumen that the only thing you have to do is to quit. This is sobriety in its absolute simplest terms. If you want to get sober you have to quit. For good! And there is no way getting around it.
OK we can make it easier, or some might say more complicated, by adding this or that to help you quit for good. We can also over-complicate it by throwing in some stuff that really isn't necessary for everyone. But people being who they are and what they need is a big variable, and in fact, I know from personal experience that there are a lot of dos and don'ts that have personally made it easier for me to stay quit. I also know that putting the plug in the jug opened the way to solve other problems, some of which I had to put some effort into, and some that just came naturally once I quit.
There was an old timer in my group that used to all knowingly say with great authority, "You can't just put the plug in the jug and call that sobriety," and everyone in the meeting would not their head in agreement, because well, he was an old timer and sounded like he knew what he was talking about. But I wasn't so sure, and I'm still not. Now I will cut him some slack, and say that there is truth in what he said, some truth, kinda'. And for those where it is true, it's very true. But it's importance is not equal for everyone. What's more important is that you gotta stop drinking.
Since it's fun beating a horse to death, which actually doesn't sound that fun when you think about it, I will go on and say that some drunks can be quite competent. Some have most of the big stuff sorted out, some better than most normies. They have jobs, provide for their families, and some make lots of money and have lots of friends. Let's create a not so hypothetical drunk, where his single biggest problem in life is that he is wrecking it by being drunk all the time. What more must he do other than put the plug in the jug?
Yes there is more you can do, and I believe that you should do, but these are problems I see as separate from excessive drinking or alcoholism. They are the same problems normies face everyday. Being an alcoholic doesn't make our other problems more special. They may or may not contribute to our drinking, but more likely our drinking contributes to them.
Now I get all adamant on this and maybe even put myself out on a limb, because like Lumen, the single biggest commitment I made to myself, even though I was warned not to, was to demand of myself never to take another drink. That was the biggest part of my plan. This was the beginning of my recovery, and other things started falling in place quickly after I made that commitment, and stuck to it. Let's not undersell the importance of putting the plug in the jug for good, as if there were some easier softer way out there to make it happen. It happens when you make it happen. Quitting is no small thing, and certainly not easy at first, but to me it's the first thing you must actually do. Admitting you are powerless is a thought and an acknowledgement. Quitting is something you actually do. It's a purely physical change in your behavior,... unlike thinking about quitting, and for me, it was the key that unlocked the door to my recovery.
OK we can make it easier, or some might say more complicated, by adding this or that to help you quit for good. We can also over-complicate it by throwing in some stuff that really isn't necessary for everyone. But people being who they are and what they need is a big variable, and in fact, I know from personal experience that there are a lot of dos and don'ts that have personally made it easier for me to stay quit. I also know that putting the plug in the jug opened the way to solve other problems, some of which I had to put some effort into, and some that just came naturally once I quit.
There was an old timer in my group that used to all knowingly say with great authority, "You can't just put the plug in the jug and call that sobriety," and everyone in the meeting would not their head in agreement, because well, he was an old timer and sounded like he knew what he was talking about. But I wasn't so sure, and I'm still not. Now I will cut him some slack, and say that there is truth in what he said, some truth, kinda'. And for those where it is true, it's very true. But it's importance is not equal for everyone. What's more important is that you gotta stop drinking.
Since it's fun beating a horse to death, which actually doesn't sound that fun when you think about it, I will go on and say that some drunks can be quite competent. Some have most of the big stuff sorted out, some better than most normies. They have jobs, provide for their families, and some make lots of money and have lots of friends. Let's create a not so hypothetical drunk, where his single biggest problem in life is that he is wrecking it by being drunk all the time. What more must he do other than put the plug in the jug?
Yes there is more you can do, and I believe that you should do, but these are problems I see as separate from excessive drinking or alcoholism. They are the same problems normies face everyday. Being an alcoholic doesn't make our other problems more special. They may or may not contribute to our drinking, but more likely our drinking contributes to them.
Now I get all adamant on this and maybe even put myself out on a limb, because like Lumen, the single biggest commitment I made to myself, even though I was warned not to, was to demand of myself never to take another drink. That was the biggest part of my plan. This was the beginning of my recovery, and other things started falling in place quickly after I made that commitment, and stuck to it. Let's not undersell the importance of putting the plug in the jug for good, as if there were some easier softer way out there to make it happen. It happens when you make it happen. Quitting is no small thing, and certainly not easy at first, but to me it's the first thing you must actually do. Admitting you are powerless is a thought and an acknowledgement. Quitting is something you actually do. It's a purely physical change in your behavior,... unlike thinking about quitting, and for me, it was the key that unlocked the door to my recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Hi everyone, just wanted to check in. I don’t have time to respond to every message, but I did read them all. I took my Antabuse today.
My last sponsor was INCREDIBLE and we were working the steps, talking daily about real sobriety. He had a bad mental breakdown due to some medicine issues and disappeared for like 5 months. He was on an end all bender, but thank God he survived, but obviously not in a place now to sponsor though he is in an inpatient. Again, thank God.
There will certainly be many opinions on this, but when I don’t have a sponsor I admire or a belief they understand my mind, my BS, my me, I don’t do well. I have a sponsor now but it’s obviously not working. There is a man I want to ask and have decided I will, but months ago he was unable because his wife was ill, I fear she still is.
Also come comments about wanting a last hurrah. The real me, I don’t want any hurrrahs, I’m an addict of the most malignant kind. I’ve been in and out of programs for twenty years, leaving a trail of wreckage, but oddly also achievement and love. I want to be sober so bad, but I just absolutely lose interest after some time and I just don’t know why. I’ve tried to find a good therapist too but haven’t been able in many years. These comments will again certainly elicit comments about my ability to pick and choose sponsors and therapists and this and that, but my life experience shows I’m more successful when I’m paired up with people that do more than recite slogans and try the latest therapy technique. I need people that bring insight. That make apparent to me what should be but isn’t. My mind is absolutely diabolical. It is hell bent on destroying me a lot of the time. But God loves me and wants me to thrive so he keeps giving me chances. (Please save the, “you may not have any more chances” comments). I know these things to be true, but I can’t seem to make it stick.
If you go back however many years I’ve been on SR, and trust me, before that, you’ll see I’ve been trying to kick permanently. I WILL NEVER GIVE UP. I will never choose a life of drinking, it is only when my will power and my connection to a higher power falter that I stumble. It is not the life I want. It is not the life I’d choose. If anyone reading this can’t relate, God bless you. But for those who have, you know, this is the fight of our lives. The outcome will be, in large part, what defines us.
I am not a deadbeat drunk that says screw it and drinks. My mind begins setting me up days or weeks in advance. Its methodologies are elaborate. It knows my every weakness and revels in them. It’s truly a wonder I’m alive and I’m not sure I would be but for these blessings god has provided to inspire me and give me reason to try again.
Sorry for the long post, it was quite rambling. But many of you made heartfelt posts and you deserved to know what goes on in my madness.
My last sponsor was INCREDIBLE and we were working the steps, talking daily about real sobriety. He had a bad mental breakdown due to some medicine issues and disappeared for like 5 months. He was on an end all bender, but thank God he survived, but obviously not in a place now to sponsor though he is in an inpatient. Again, thank God.
There will certainly be many opinions on this, but when I don’t have a sponsor I admire or a belief they understand my mind, my BS, my me, I don’t do well. I have a sponsor now but it’s obviously not working. There is a man I want to ask and have decided I will, but months ago he was unable because his wife was ill, I fear she still is.
Also come comments about wanting a last hurrah. The real me, I don’t want any hurrrahs, I’m an addict of the most malignant kind. I’ve been in and out of programs for twenty years, leaving a trail of wreckage, but oddly also achievement and love. I want to be sober so bad, but I just absolutely lose interest after some time and I just don’t know why. I’ve tried to find a good therapist too but haven’t been able in many years. These comments will again certainly elicit comments about my ability to pick and choose sponsors and therapists and this and that, but my life experience shows I’m more successful when I’m paired up with people that do more than recite slogans and try the latest therapy technique. I need people that bring insight. That make apparent to me what should be but isn’t. My mind is absolutely diabolical. It is hell bent on destroying me a lot of the time. But God loves me and wants me to thrive so he keeps giving me chances. (Please save the, “you may not have any more chances” comments). I know these things to be true, but I can’t seem to make it stick.
If you go back however many years I’ve been on SR, and trust me, before that, you’ll see I’ve been trying to kick permanently. I WILL NEVER GIVE UP. I will never choose a life of drinking, it is only when my will power and my connection to a higher power falter that I stumble. It is not the life I want. It is not the life I’d choose. If anyone reading this can’t relate, God bless you. But for those who have, you know, this is the fight of our lives. The outcome will be, in large part, what defines us.
I am not a deadbeat drunk that says screw it and drinks. My mind begins setting me up days or weeks in advance. Its methodologies are elaborate. It knows my every weakness and revels in them. It’s truly a wonder I’m alive and I’m not sure I would be but for these blessings god has provided to inspire me and give me reason to try again.
Sorry for the long post, it was quite rambling. But many of you made heartfelt posts and you deserved to know what goes on in my madness.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
One more thing. Had a great day with the kids. We went to the park and played football and golf. We built a wall desk from scratch. Had a great dinner and otter pops. Now for some down time before bed. They were supposed to go back to mom’s today but I coaxed another night. That means we all have to get up at 5am to get them back, but another night with my kids is another night of happiness. Love you all. Talk to you later.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Originally Posted by BeABetterMan
Hi everyone, just wanted to check in. I don’t have time to respond to every message, but I did read them all. I took my Antabuse today.
My last sponsor was INCREDIBLE and we were working the steps, talking daily about real sobriety. He had a bad mental breakdown due to some medicine issues and disappeared for like 5 months. He was on an end all bender, but thank God he survived, but obviously not in a place now to sponsor though he is in an inpatient. Again, thank God.
There will certainly be many opinions on this, but when I don’t have a sponsor I admire or a belief they understand my mind, my BS, my me, I don’t do well. I have a sponsor now but it’s obviously not working. There is a man I want to ask and have decided I will, but months ago he was unable because his wife was ill, I fear she still is.
Also come comments about wanting a last hurrah. The real me, I don’t want any hurrrahs, I’m an addict of the most malignant kind. I’ve been in and out of programs for twenty years, leaving a trail of wreckage, but oddly also achievement and love. I want to be sober so bad, but I just absolutely lose interest after some time and I just don’t know why. I’ve tried to find a good therapist too but haven’t been able in many years. These comments will again certainly elicit comments about my ability to pick and choose sponsors and therapists and this and that, but my life experience shows I’m more successful when I’m paired up with people that do more than recite slogans and try the latest therapy technique. I need people that bring insight. That make apparent to me what should be but isn’t. My mind is absolutely diabolical. It is hell bent on destroying me a lot of the time. But God loves me and wants me to thrive so he keeps giving me chances. (Please save the, “you may not have any more chances” comments). I know these things to be true, but I can’t seem to make it stick.
If you go back however many years I’ve been on SR, and trust me, before that, you’ll see I’ve been trying to kick permanently. I WILL NEVER GIVE UP. I will never choose a life of drinking, it is only when my will power and my connection to a higher power falter that I stumble. It is not the life I want. It is not the life I’d choose. If anyone reading this can’t relate, God bless you. But for those who have, you know, this is the fight of our lives. The outcome will be, in large part, what defines us.
I am not a deadbeat drunk that says screw it and drinks. My mind begins setting me up days or weeks in advance. Its methodologies are elaborate. It knows my every weakness and revels in them. It’s truly a wonder I’m alive and I’m not sure I would be but for these blessings god has provided to inspire me and give me reason to try again.
Sorry for the long post, it was quite rambling. But many of you made heartfelt posts and you deserved to know what goes on in my madness.
My last sponsor was INCREDIBLE and we were working the steps, talking daily about real sobriety. He had a bad mental breakdown due to some medicine issues and disappeared for like 5 months. He was on an end all bender, but thank God he survived, but obviously not in a place now to sponsor though he is in an inpatient. Again, thank God.
There will certainly be many opinions on this, but when I don’t have a sponsor I admire or a belief they understand my mind, my BS, my me, I don’t do well. I have a sponsor now but it’s obviously not working. There is a man I want to ask and have decided I will, but months ago he was unable because his wife was ill, I fear she still is.
Also come comments about wanting a last hurrah. The real me, I don’t want any hurrrahs, I’m an addict of the most malignant kind. I’ve been in and out of programs for twenty years, leaving a trail of wreckage, but oddly also achievement and love. I want to be sober so bad, but I just absolutely lose interest after some time and I just don’t know why. I’ve tried to find a good therapist too but haven’t been able in many years. These comments will again certainly elicit comments about my ability to pick and choose sponsors and therapists and this and that, but my life experience shows I’m more successful when I’m paired up with people that do more than recite slogans and try the latest therapy technique. I need people that bring insight. That make apparent to me what should be but isn’t. My mind is absolutely diabolical. It is hell bent on destroying me a lot of the time. But God loves me and wants me to thrive so he keeps giving me chances. (Please save the, “you may not have any more chances” comments). I know these things to be true, but I can’t seem to make it stick.
If you go back however many years I’ve been on SR, and trust me, before that, you’ll see I’ve been trying to kick permanently. I WILL NEVER GIVE UP. I will never choose a life of drinking, it is only when my will power and my connection to a higher power falter that I stumble. It is not the life I want. It is not the life I’d choose. If anyone reading this can’t relate, God bless you. But for those who have, you know, this is the fight of our lives. The outcome will be, in large part, what defines us.
I am not a deadbeat drunk that says screw it and drinks. My mind begins setting me up days or weeks in advance. Its methodologies are elaborate. It knows my every weakness and revels in them. It’s truly a wonder I’m alive and I’m not sure I would be but for these blessings god has provided to inspire me and give me reason to try again.
Sorry for the long post, it was quite rambling. But many of you made heartfelt posts and you deserved to know what goes on in my madness.
I also doubt you;re the only one here who needs to really connect with a therapist or sponsor either. but all those things have to come second to your desire to be sober and so whatever it takes to be that way.
Be your own parent - I've been hammering this at you for days man
see...here's the thing..the AV is you.
Its not nice to hear that but it's true - it's a base, immature, petulant, impulsive visceral you - a corrupted version sure, but its you.
It may know all your weaknesses and secrets but it being you means you know everything it has to throw at you too.
If you - higher you, real you - refuse to go get the booze, refuse to drink it, refuse to even engage in dialogue there's nothing the inner addict can do about it.
Sure it will rage, it will try and send your anxiety sky high, it will pull out every bad feeling and every dirty slander it can to get you to drink...but what if you don't drink? what if you find hel;p and support to deal with the anxiety and the craving and the psychic onslaught?
what if you resolutely stay sober?
Its arsenal is done, its cupboard is bare.
you win.
D
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