smilesdavis

So my partner left me yesterday. She had had enough of my moods and being cold towards her. Which is fair enough. I had only been seeing her for a year. Before I met her I was in a good place, not drinking much and looking after myself. After about 6 months or so being so happy with her I seemed to slip into my old ways. Getting 6 beers a night. Sometimes 8. Sometimes running out of beer and having a whole bottle of wine on top and forgetting going to bed.
Sometimes doing cocaine on my own. All of this hidden from her of course, we didn't live together, what an *******. This in turn made me lose my way and make myself unpleasant to be around a lot of the time.
I decided today I need to stop drinking. I usually make it to the evening and then think only a few wont kill me, and get 6 beers. I really don't want that to happen tonight.
I'm kind of on my own here I don't really have anyone to talk to about all this so I guess I'm just kind of blogging and looking for any advice. I am really down from losing her and angry with myself.
Any help appreciated.

AAPJ

Welcome to SR. Alone? Perhaps not. Stick around here. You will find a lot of support from people who understand the ball and chain of alcohol and drugs.

If you wake up in the morning and say to yourself "today I am not going to drink or drug" but when afternoon comes round you find yourself drinking or drugging anyway and you don't like yourself for your own behavior you are in the right place.

Kind of like a nightmare version of the movie Groundhog Day.

smilesdavis

Thanks. I just can't believe it took losing my partner and best friend to get to this stage.

PMAZ

The only way you’ll forgive yourself and earn what you deserve from other is if you stop drinking. I’m going through it. Stay the course and this will be bottom. Keep drinking and it’s never going to get better.

WindPines

Good Morning, I feel your pain.
Over the weekend, I don't think my fiance got off of the couch more than a handful of times. To grab food out of the fridge, beers from the store, etc.
I cleaned and cooked and cleaned some more. He barely said a word to me. We've bee together for about a year, and things really took a turn for the ugly this weekend. He has been grumpy for the past six months or so, and drinking and turning into a stranger. We barely talk. When I try to talk about our relationship, he blows up and either leaves, or goes to the next room and slams the door.
Anyhow, I don't have any suggestions or advice. I just want you to know that I'm eerily in a similar boat. Like, almost exactly the same.
Any time you're feeling alone, this page is a great one to get onto. Another is "intherooms.com"

smilesdavis

Yeah I guess I was like him at times. I am so mad at myself. I didn't realise what I had become until it was too late and now she's gone. My only route now is to stop drinking and see if it helps.

biminiblue

Welcome to the site.

I'm sorry for your loss and for the shame you're feeling. I've been there.

It gets so much better in time. Keep reading and please keep posting.

Surrendered19

Hi SmilesDavis. Welcome to SR. Perhaps make a plan to quit the coke too? Those are a bad combo and each equally bad by themselves. Alcohol robs us of any ability to meaningfully connect with others. I'm sorry that you lost a relationship. I lost many in the 30 years I drank. All completely my doing. I spread doubt, chaos, misery, silence and on and on. If you can get sober and clean, relationships will come back to you. Some new and some old, but that will only happen when you show that you are trustworthy. Not with words but through actions. You are in the right place here. We've all stood in your shoes on some level. Post here often and tell us how it is going. Can you make today your Day 1?

Gabe1980

Hey Smiles. I am back on day one too.

I'm so sorry you lost your partner. I had a really pissed of husband this weekend and my behaviour was just as bad as yours. This thing is a nightmare, especially if you are stuck with nobody to talk too. I've had some quite big chunks of sober time and I reckon I can get back there and then some more.

PM me any time. I am planning on building up my days, one by one.

smilesdavis

Oh God yeah I never want to see coke again. I only ever do it when I drink, never on its own. It's the worst combo ever.
I'm just struggling with the passage of time right now. This day seems like the longest day of my life. I still have no desire to drink right now and I hope I can keep clean tonight. I know if I drank I'd be hating myself even more tomorrow. I wish I could go back in time and stop drinking months ago. I had always wanted to but I just kept putting it off.

smilesdavis

Thanks Gabe. It's a double whammy today knowing she's gone and realising how much of a drink and drug problem I have. I've never felt so lost. I tried to PM you but it says I don't have enough posts.

Surrendered19

Keep it really simple for a few days. Eat what you want and sleep if you can. For days and days when I became sober I ate raspberries and watermelon and cheesecake whenever I pleased. I have since had to give up the cheesecake on a regular basis but in those early days, it was anything I wanted other than alcohol. The admins on this site have a great link to making a plan to stay sober. Perhaps reach out to one of them and then start putting pen to paper. Get out and move some. If your craving is late-afternoon, today get on the walking shoes if you are able and start walking. Don't stop until the cravings pass. You don't have to walk or move through that daily time either. Just make sure every minute is scheduled and stay busy doing other things.

smilesdavis

I'm finding it hard to do anything today, I hope tomorrow will be better. My only goal for today is to not drink. I also don't have much of an appetite. I'm hoping I can exercise tomorrow if I feel better, I am just so exhausted from the breakup and the booze over the weekend.

biminiblue

I will say that if you drink and drug on the heels of this breakup it may be years before you find the impetus to stop again.

Ask me how I know.

I have had sober breakups. They are far easier to endure. The drinking took me to very dark places. Just lay your head on the pillow sober tonight and your victories will have started.

smilesdavis

that's the plan. It's 5pm here so another 7 hours or so to go. I can never sleep when I stop drinking though, so I'll probably be awake and anxious all night. The thought of that is so scary that it often makes me bargain with myself to say a few beers will help me sleep. But I have to resist. Thanks for your support.

biminiblue

When I was newly sober I spent a lot of time reading on this site. There is a very deep well of wisdom, support, and caring on this site.

What I didn't do is lay in bed in the dark torturing myself with my own past regrets. If I couldn't sleep I would stay up on this site, or on other recovery podcasts or sites, or even watching positive TV shows (no news or graphic murder shows.) Heck, there's always a cleaning project that needs to be done. Self-care.

I slept fitfully for a couple weeks, then settled down. Keep posting and people will keep replying, you're not alone.

smilesdavis

thanks. Can you rec any podcasts? I think I will be inconsolable for a long time having lost such a sweet partner, all because of my selfishness.

biminiblue

We're all selfish, but we can (mostly) recover from that.

I really liked, "This Naked Mind," podcast, but it's a woman, not sure if that would resonate with you.

There are threads about podcasts...I don't know where they are - maybe someone will.

I'm not in AA, but there are a ton of AA podcasts. Here are some threads, (AA related)

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ain-steps.html (Unsure about AA? Sandy will explain the steps...)

Lots of podcasts here (AA) https://www.recoveryaudio.org/


If you're not into AA stuff, look into AVRT, in the Secular area, here's a great thread to read:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ined-long.html (AVRT Explained (long))

All recovery methods are valid, I say. Try 'em all!

smilesdavis

Hi, thanks. AA isn't really my jam. I've actually listened to a lot of Annie Grace stuff in the past, and read the book. It helped at the time. It's funny, when I think back of when I felt best about myself in the last couple of years, it was the short few weeks or month I took off the booze. Everything is just so much easier.
I can't believe I've ruined a great relationship because of booze. I am so angry at myself.

Anna

Yes, everything is so much easier when alcohol is out of your life. I'm glad you're sober today. You're right, sleeping could be a problem tonight and for awhile, but you can get through that.

I would just add, my evenings were the most difficult time for me, so I changed my daily routine. I planned to be doing something specific in the evening (for me, that was taking a long walk) which helped me to get through that critical time. Make a plan, change your routine and stay focused on sobriety and you can do this.