Hopingwishing

Hi all,

Sorry but I have to get this out. I'm on day 5 and the waves of shame for what I *may* have done whilst blackout drunk are coming over me.

When I last drunk I was away with work at team building exercise. I find these things hard socially and I'm stressed with a lot that's going on in work, at home and with my family. So I cracked and before the dinner I bought a bottle of wine to have half of before I went to dinner in the evening. I had the whole thing and then a couple more glasses with dinner. But I don't know remember getting back into my hotel room.

I'm paranoid about what I may have done. What if I sleepwalked?

The next day one of the performance coaches pulled me over and said "you were very drunk last night". I told him that I don't normally drink and when I do it goes straight to my head. I keep having waves of paranoia about what could've happened. Also that evening when I got back to the hotel, I was looking for my pass to show to the porter and he just said "don't worry I remember you from last night".

I haven't sleepwalked since a child. What if I did it then though? I must have made a fool of myself. How can I come back from this? I just want to curl up into a ball and hide forever. But I have to see these work people again. Also I worked with them for the next three days following it (I never drank after that first warning). Surely something more would've been said to me if I'd made a right idiot of myself? I'm thinking would it be best if I just pulled out of this program I'm on?

What are your experiences? Sorry for the rambling but I need to just reach out to a community of people who've been there and experienced a whole host of problems that this disease brings us to.

Kjma

I'm not sure what advice to give, but my first thought is to ask a trusted coworker. I imagine making amends for whatever you did is in order. It's never been my experience (and I've done some dumb stuff while drunk) that walking away solves the problem. Maybe the best way to feel better is to have a plan in place to deal with that social anxiety before you're in that position again. Posting here does wonders for my impulses to drink. Maybe a quick workout before to get those endorphins flowing? Whatever works for you, just have a plan in place. That way, if you're called on it, you can confidently say that it will never happen again.

Andante

Always scary to wake up not remembering what you might have done when drunk the night before, but I think first off it's important to draw a distinction between blackout and sleepwalking, as they are entirely different.

In a blackout, you're still conscious and alert (somewhat) and interacting coherently with others, and you can be a busy bee indeed with the alcohol having stripped away inhibitions against doing things you might not ordinarily do. It's just that the mechanism in your brain for transferring short-term memories to long-term memory has been disabled, so when you come out of the blackout you have no memory of what transpired. I have plenty of experience in blacking out.

I have no experience with sleepwalking. As I understand it, it's when you're already asleep but get up and do things according to faulty signals from your brain's unconscious. You're not able to complete tasks or interact with others. It's not commonly associated with drunkenness like blacking out is.

Blacking out is indeed scary and a sign that drinking is going well out of control. The best course of action would be never to get that drunk again.

In the short term, I wouldn't worry too much about showing my face at work. I'm pretty sure anything you did in blackout isn't nearly as important to others as it is to you.

DaisyBelle7

I had a lot of blackouts during the last 3 years that I was drinking. I know the feelings of fear and embarrassment that you’re feeling. It’s absolutely gut wrenching the few days to a week after a blackout. The only way you can find out what you did is to ask people who might have seen you, but what good does that do? That’s how I look at it anyway... if you’re already beating yourself up, do you want to add more to that? My advice, journal about it, pray about it (if you are someone who prays), and let it go. People will forget, and the anxiety of what might have happened will lessen.

By the way, I could have written your post word for word. You’re not alone and you have nothing to be ashamed about. You were in the throws of addiction. What you do from here on out is what matters. Stay present and let the past go or it will destroy you. s

brighterday1234

HeadEast

There is nothing you can do about it now, so why worry? Congratulations on Day 5. As said above, there is a big difference between "sleepwalking" and walking during a "blackout".

Anna

I think that sleep-walking and blacking out from alcohol are two different things. Blackouts are really scary, especially for women. I blacked out in the last months of my drinking and it was terrifying. You will never remember what happened when you blackout because you are not creating memories at that time. I think the best thing you can do is to ensure that it never happens again.

D122y

The damage is done.

I wouldn't admit I was in a black out. That won't help.

What I do now is live by example. I don't try that hard at work because nobody does and it really doesn't get someone anywhere. But, I have a good attitude at work, that is what I try to do always.

I have never had much success on individual work recognition, but I feel my reputation lies in my ability to fit into the team.

Lead, follow, or get out of the way. That was my basic military training squadron motto from 1982.

The main thing is how amazing I feel these days. My spatial disorientation has all but went away. My obsessing has as well. I still do it , but I go back to what I said in the beginning of this post.

I offer this because the only way out is through.

The milk is already all over the floor. I move forward with swagger and kindness.

Love and Thanks.

cantsleep123

I agree with everyone else. Forgive yourself and move forward. Don't ever do it again and people will forget.

Newbeginning421

Most of the times your fear and dread of what might have happened is much worse than what actually happened and people tend to be pretty forgiving even if something really dumb did happen. I honestly would not sweat it too much and just keep focused on staying sober

Red78

Be kind to yourself, just because you can't remember doesn't mean you did something 'bad'.
You don't have to be doing something bad to be told that you were very drunk, slurring your words is very drunk.. And as for the porter, he would've been sober and as someone working at the time he would remember the guests, whether you were drunk or sober, believe me I've worked in many accommodation providers.
But don't assume the worst because you don't remember....i completely understand though as I am doing the same thing but I do remember and I didn't even do anything bad but I'm still mad at myself for being drunk and feeling shame for it..

If you really thought you did something bad are you able to ask someone that you trust that you work with? You don't have to say you don't remember but maybe just say, I hope I wasn't being too much of a fool the other night, or something like that..


Best thing is to stay sober so you don't have to go through this again..

​​​​

Hope1989

Oh, man, have I been there. Like I got so tired of experiencing that at work. Hopefully, I won't drink again, ever. But if for any reason I do, it won't be at work.

By the way, did the person who stopped you was like "You were very drunk last night" in a pissed off way or just making fun of you?. Most likely, nobody cares at all what you did. The only one that does is probably you.

So yeah, the hangover, is horrible. But it will go away very soon, trust me. And if you had done something stupid (coming from someone who gets crazy paranoid), trust me, you would know by now.

By yourself, a pizza, watch something funny and let it go.

Hopingwishing

Thank you very much for all your replies. I'm overwhelmed by how supportive and considered your responses are.

I'm still feeling anxious/embarrassed/full of dread. However I do feel motivated from your comments: the only way to stop this is to stop drinking.

So I'm pretty good at stopping drinking. But staying stopped is the real question. Plan, plan, plan and then more planning.

Dee74

Some great advice here HW.

I'm sorry that you put yourself through this mental torture again but I hope you can make this the last time ever - wouldn't that be awesome?

D

doggonecarl

I hope you put a plan in place to get you sober and keep you sober. For most of us, the shame or regret that prompts a quit doesn't last long and we usually drink again.

Hopingwishing

Dee that would be very awesome. And doggonecarl-I completely agree with you. The resolve you have when you're in the thick of it quickly fades away.

I've been thinking a lot about plans today.

I've got to get on top of my stress, managing it day-to-day and keeping a lid on it. There's some areas I've identified as needing work. Sleeping (getting a regular sleep pattern), eating (not binging on sugar), drinking (limiting caffeine and drinking enough water), thinking (meditating), connecting (daily posts on here), rewiring (reading quit lit and reading on here), energising (exercise).

Urm that's all I could come up with today. I feel like I'm missing something. If there's something obvious please let me know.

So that's the daily stuff. Tomorrow I'm thinking of coming up with plans for abnormal days. That is, when I'm working away or socialising with people.

Dee74

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)

Tetrax

Yeah blackout anxiety was no picnic. But like with most anxiety the worst of it was in the imagining.

Steely

Similar has happened to me HopingWishing. It's really awful, but it fades so long as you remember to remain sober.

People may have a memory of the event, but they will develop new memories of you as they see you sober. And these will be the memories that stick.

Go back to work, head held high.

Wastinglife

I think I sleepwalk sometimes as well. I am not sure. But I have gotten into dream-like states where I am semi-conscious it seems. I wake up the next day and am baffled about if I did indeed experience certain things.