jr67

I like your early mornings too, ButterMarsh. Are you in the same boat as me, timewise? 5:05 a.m. at the mo?

DriGuy

I'm guessing that life on life's terms, probably has a different meaning to everyone. I always wondered what it meant. It sounds like something positive and has poetic resonance that solicits a reflexive head nod, even if you don't know what it means.

So knowing the definition, or at least having a clear idea of what it means to you is an important thing to stop and think about.

Paraphrased: "Accept that life is full of hooks and curves. Face them and deal with them. Don't drink to get away."

Now there is a big chuck of advice that is not clearly expressed in that thought: "Learn do deal with life's problems."

And from that follows: "How do you do that?"

Since life's problems are all different, there is no single strategy, but this is the kind of stuff you can discuss in meetings, forums, or therapy. If you are facing a problem, bring it up. Someone has bound to have dealt with it or something like it before, and can offer suggestions. The most valuable things I learned in meetings came from discussing or listening to others discuss such issues.

Problem solving is just a bunch of learning curves. Sometimes it drives you batty while your in it, but resolving these previous triggers to drink can be surprisingly rewarding.

LiveLikeGold6

Whoa Boreas take us to school girl! Your post gave me chills.

OP, this can definitely be the time you finally stick to it. It took me 10 years to get 8 months and this thing is day by day. But it ain't much fun drinking with a head full of recovery I’ll tell you that.

ButterMarsh

It's interesting that you figured the term may mean different things to different people.

The way I have largely applied it in my life is accepting the more unsavoury, but permanent, aspects I'm faced with. Of course, I realise that 'unsavoury' is a matter of perspective and that it may change for me with time. I feel a lot of regret over major decisions I've made in the past (relationships, education, career, marriages, divorce, parenting, continuing to drink....) that have all brought me to a place in life now that I perceive to not be where I should be... I hope I'm making sense. I usually think that if I could re-do the past (with a different brain, perhaps) I'd choose different. I don't know if that's true but it's certainly messed with my mind a lot. Practicing gratitude is helping with this. God knows things could be A LOT worse. Well, it may seem like self pity but it's good to get this out... I've never written it down before. Probably because I feel like it makes me seem childish and ungrateful, which I've probably been for a long time. I'm working to change that now. I can't continue to play the victim now that I'm armed with positive life altering information.

Thanks for drawing this out of me, Driguy.

ButterMarsh

One day at a time. There's another saying I used to not like... I actually didn't quite understand it, to be honest. Now that I do, I have started to apply it very positively in my life. Baby steps, though.

ButterMarsh

Hi jr. I hope you're well today. I'm sorry I didn't respond sooner. I'm actually just now seeing this. I can get bogged down with work that I sometimes check in here quickly and run... Actually we're not in the same timezone... I'm several hours ahead.

Anyhow, I ended up having a bit of a tough day yesterday although I didn't drink. I let myself get consumed with self loathing because of past mistakes and entertained quite a bit of negative self talk. A big trigger.

I know I should think kindly of myself, forgive myself and generally treat myself with love and tenderness. However, I sort of broke down and wondered who I was kidding? Nobody. Least of all not myself. I've done some hateful things that probably don't deserve forgiveness. Many people know of these bad things and even though they may perhaps forgive, they'll never forget. It's a mixture of horror and regret. It sure weighed me down. I used mindfulness to get over it and simply put those thoughts out of my mind.

I'm feeling better today. I had a good morning, did my routine successfully and now a quick rest, reading here, before I resume my duties.

It's good to be here and to be on this healing journey.

Thank you all for your unending support.

jr67

ButterMarsh, we meet again in the early morn. I welcome you to my new day and, if I may be so bold as to say it, vice versa.

You are making eminent sense. Let us celebrate the childish and allow the inner critic to be and to be gone. One breath, one day at a time.

fishkiller

Good morning Butter,
don't dwell too much on the past. I find myself doing it also and it always leads me to dark thoughts.
Instead try to look at it this way, we are just figuring life out.
Some of us just learn the hard way.
What matters is you realize your mistakes and now have the knowledge to keep from repeating them.

Derringer

My first sponsor was somewhat of a hard ass, when I was having one of my self pity episodes, he used to tell me "Go down to the kids cancer ward, find a 14 year old who has had multiple chemo rounds and it hasn't worked and they've just been given 8 weeks to live ...... Tell them all about YOUR problems"

Boy did that used to snap me out of it. Still does, still use that technique some days.

I wrote a thread called 'move the boulder' all about just being content with being sober in the early stages.

I too tripped and fell so many times, thinking that I could or had to fix up everything and make up for lost time ... Like NOW, or next week at the latest.

Then when it doesn't all fall into place like I think it should "aaarrrhhh screw this"

It's a common one for us alchies.

Freddy Mercury sang "I want it all and I want it now"

Yeah, that was somewhat of an anthem for me for years.

Come to terms with the fact that, the only thing that is going to give me 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years recovery, is 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years of recovery.

jr67

True dat, Derringer. Among the truths:

1. The other day I was trying to remember who posted "Moving the Boulder." So it was you. Thank you and thank you for reminding me. I've returned to its messages during my three weeks of sobriety (and counting).

2. As a matter of fact we *do* have it all. In this moment, this moment is all. Thanks Freddy, my Queen.

3. You're right! It took me exactly 3 weeks of recovery to achieve 3 weeks of recovery today!

Sohard

Cityboy

Buttermarsh,

Letting go of the guilt has been a huge step in my journey. I've done things that don't deserve forgiveness and I'll never forgive myself. But I can try to change the destructive cycle that was hurting myself and others around me.

ButterMarsh

Hello everyone and thank you for the words of wisdom above.

Derringer; I will read your thread, 'move the boulder'. I'm sure it will help.

jr; congratulations on 3 weeks plus.

In some ways I'm doing great so far (day 4) but in others not so much. I've been soul searching and have had some freeing 'aha' moments but I'm also recognising an overwhelming amount of anxiety in my thoughts. I don't yet know how to tackle this but I'm figuring it out.

I'll be here reading and healing.

Thank you, all.

Tinkerbeau

However, in early recovery (like now), I’ve also had the tendency to want to rush things and ‘prove myself’, erase my past behaviors and generally try to get the results ASAP. Then when nothing much changes and life begins to drag along, then I falter. So I’ve got to be aware of this tendency and guard against it. I’ve got to accept that those results that I want (contentment, long term sobriety, self respect and that of others) is going to take time and all I can do now is to ‘put in the work’ everyday and not drink ever again.


This is exactly my problem too, now I'm day 1 i am so depressed and desperate to beat alcoholism i will be planning and wanting to change my life instantly but then yes when things don't change just like that im back to square one. Long term work and taking each day as its comes comiting not to drink and nit worring about future is something i need to do too

jr67

Greetings Buttermarsh amd fellow passengers on the SobeRlandia Local, making station stops, in no particular order, at Questioning, Wondering, Observation Overlook, Reflection Pond, Acknowledgement Acres, and Epiphany, with connections to the Seven Attitudes of Mindfulness: Nonjudgment, Nonstriving, Patience, Trust, Beginner's Mind, Acceptance, and Letting Go.

You don't need a ticket
You just get on board.
You don't need no baggage,
You just get on.

Travel at your own pace.

Calling passenger Buttermarsh: Please note that everyone's route is different and often unpredictable, and may include side-spurs through Anxiety Pass and Downersville. Recognize this, allow the thoughts to arise as they will, notice them, and redirect your attention to the breath.

Enjoy the ride.

Cityboy

This is my biggest concern right now. Trying to revisit how I deal with the daily stresses because they are still going to be here.

boreas

Hello ButterMarsh,

Let me flip this for you. Perhaps you are in exactly the place in life you are supposed to be. For those of us with decades of drinking behind us, it is no small miracle to get to the place where we can see that change is needed.

I think life, and not just the life of drunks, is full of hatefulness and regret. It we were all born into sweetness and light, and were kind people, the world wouldn’t look the way it does. I found oodles of peace when I accepted that all of the ugliness, hatefulness, stupidity, and nonsense of a lifetime of embarrassing decisions and behaviors is all part of the bora I am today. And I’m doing ok, because while I often miss the mark, I am trying to be a better person than yesterday. In the end, that’s all I can do.

The introspective ButterMarsh I see is trying to do the same. Working at self-improvement, and striving to do better, IMO, is a fundamental purpose. Like me, all of your icky past brought you to this place. Hard as it is, I think those experiences should be embraced as now you can transform them into a more meaningful life.

Don’t try to figure out too much too fast. IME, a good bit of healing is required before the mind clears. In some sense, early sobriety is like trudging uphill in a snowstorm. Just keep your head down for a bit, and keep going, and pretty soon the clouds will break and more clarity will descend. Just keep your head down and keep walking.

I like to say I backed into the best decisions in my life. In other words, I put my foot down on a different path, and all the reasons why it was the right choice became clearer with time. Sobriety has its own momentum.
Best wishes-
bora

ButterMarsh

Thank you so much for this, bora. I've been thinking this but reading it here from someone else has lifted a huge weight off my head.

I'm going to post a darkish message now because it's part of my journey and I don't want to forget it but just know that a lot of the darkness has now lifted (I typed it out yesterday when I was really low and scared) and I'm now focusing on a more positive message moving forward.

Thanks everybody.

ButterMarsh

After a lot of soul searching and introspection, I have come to the very sad realisation that I haven't been living life neither have I wanted to for a long time. I've been dead inside and I have been looking for a way to end it for real.

Previously, I never truly considered myself suicidal. I always thought that suicidal people were the ones who jumped off buildings or shot themselves... Whenever I saw the sticky here on suicide, I often thought, 'poor them...'. In reality though, it should've been, 'poor me'. I've been suicidal all along and my gun has been alcohol.

Over the years (not sure how long exactly), I've 'toyed' with the idea of offing myself but I always concluded that it was too difficult to pull off; only really strong people could commit suicide (why does everyone call them cowards?); there was no surefire/painless way to do it (I remember reading this after googling ways to commit suicide). Still I didn't really consider myself suicidal. But...

Alcohol was there. Alcohol was easily available, and it didn't result in sudden death (well sometimes it does) so I could continue to 'fake it' (hold down a job, maintain friendships and family, get married and even have kids) until I couldn't anymore. These last few drunken episodes have been worrisome, even to me... Mind you, I tried to not think about them too deep but I couldn't help wondering what the end was going to be. The last time I went to pour myself a drink, I again wondered for the hundredth time , 'but to what end, Butter?'. I proceeded to dispose of that drink and thus my day one.

But when did I stop living? When did I stop even knowing how to do life? Because what I've been doing the last 15-20 years hasn't been living. Most importantly, when did I become suicidal and want to kill myself with alcohol?

This realisation, though very important, has made me literally sick to my stomach. Because prior to today, I thought I was living. I did question my failure to thrive but put it down to mental illness (to be cured eventually and l could go back to normal), a traumatic childhood (I could then blame my parents and surely sort this out through therapy), poor choices (blame my partner, my job, etc...). But no...

I've NOT been living. I forgot how to. Have I ever truly lived? I hope so... If not, then what is wrong with me? Why am I so broken?

boreas

I believe there is a reason we don’t recognize ourselves while in the grip of a nasty drinking habit. I was disgusted by the sniveling mess I saw on the couch in my mind’s eye the day after...completely overwhelmed by the past (and present) and unable to cope. The self-loathing was palpable as I admire self-control and self-restraint.

I learned that research shows what we drunks already know. “In the vine is truth” is a lie. Alcohol not only robs us of our inhibitions...it alters our brain chemistry and exacerbates or creates severe anxiety and depression.

We drink to cope, but drinking ends up robbing us of our ability to do so. Sobriety isn’t the end-all-be-all, and you certainly should honestly assess your possible need for outside medical/therapeutic help. But contrary to the lies of our culture, alcohol isn’t just a good time in a can. It is a powerful drug with negative effects on the mind, body, and spirit that we must recover from.

One of the things I’ve done is keep a journal of my own thoughts and the wisdom I read. My promise to myself is that I must read it in its entirety if I wish to drink again. It is my reminder of where I’ve come from. Your beautiful posts would serve that purpose well. It’s important we don’t forget.

-bora