Hello everyone. I’m a 30 (31 on New Year’s Day!) year old male. I’m from Cardiff in Wales.

What brings me back posting on here? Well, gosh. Where to start.

I re-entered education in September to study access to humanities, as I felt the time was right. I didn’t start too well - the very second day I got drunk as a skunk and ended up in a junkies house in a very undesirable area of the city, and said people had apparently thought it would be great to steal my belongings. It was an absolutely horrific experience, and following a summer long binge (I don’t do 3-4 day binges, but months long epics) I decided that no, I simply cannot keep doing this to myself. I have an opportunity now to really sort out my life. I threw myself into college work, and in the modules studied so far, I have distinctions in both English and geography. My life really felt like it had purpose and meaning, and I can feel what I say I’ve never felt before - content. The thought of ever drinking again made me literally shudder, and I was incredibly proud of myself. That was until 28th November.

After a particularly stressful exam, I had the excellent idea of going to the pub for just one pint! I got my “**** it” head on, and when that bastard whispers in my ear, all bets are off! I proceeded to drink to the point of blackout, argued with anyone and everyone in my vicinity and had to be physically escorted home by a guy in my class with whom I’d never previously even had a discussion. Waking up incredibly tearful and ashamed, I put it down to a blip and vowed to continue with sobriety. Until the 7th December.

Since that date, I have not had even one sober day. I currently live with my mom, and she is suffering terribly due to seeing me effectively killing myself (she doesn’t drink). We get on exceptionally well and so there are no arguments or disagreements, but my behaviour has been so unnerving and destabilising, I can see the pain etched into her face. I’ve had countless rows with friends (I’m now 5 friends fewer than I was 2 weeks ago, some very long friendships destroyed through my vicious and malevolent mouth and texting abilities), I’ve had meaningless sex with two strangers, I’ve gone from highs of loving the planet to lows of wanting to destroy it and everyone on it. The mood swings are real in this one.

Now, any “fun” or sense of adventure this might have initially fooled me into believing it was, I am exhausted, my body is aching in every way a body can ache, I am mentally and physically and emotionally spent, and in short, I am disgusted, annoyed and full of anguish at myself and my disgusting, horrific actions. All because I decided to go for “one pint”.

I’m sorry this is so long and probably a tad too descriptive, but I really, really, really don’t want to ever feel like this again, and in a way, I even more so do not want to make my very cherished and loved family and friends feel anything remotely negative due to my actions again. I am truly so, incredibly tired. I cannot and will not make grand proclamations or promised, but I am bearing my soul to the world and saying, I can’t do this alone, and I need help.

Thank you for reading

oh, boy. Yes, I’ve been there a thousand times myself! I always seem to make it to about the 10/11 week mark. Then it’s almost like my mind starts looking for any excuse it can to have “just a few!”

I’m going to see my GP and gain access to support as I do feel I have a lot of issues that I need to discuss. I’m going to post here and read these threads. AA really isn’t a thing for me - I know you’ve heard it before but it just personally doesn’t fit for me. Everytime I went I just wanted to go to the pub! I’m going to utilise almost every resource that I can.

I know what I’ve written suggests otherwise, but I really don’t think I’m a bad person. Or perhaps I’m terrified that I am. I just feel so very, deeply disgusted and ashamed at myself.

that really means a lot to me, thank you ❤️

Wow, thank you for that. I’m very glad I don’t come across as a bad person. I know I can be when I’m drunk but I’ve genuinely never had an absolute fit of rage when sober, ever. I can thank god ive never done anything truly deplorable, but sometimes I get the dreaded feeling that if I continue, I may. Not because I want to, but there is no predictability in what I do when I’m drunk. Truly terrifying. Thank you for your encouragement!

You come across as a really sweet person 😊 I don’t know if anyone here recognises this, but when I’m belligerent-drunk, the idea of goodness and kindness make me sick!! Angry, bitter and twisted is what I become. I even felt at times I was a psychopath - but then I learned they feel no empathy or emotion, and boy oh boy do I feel emotion and regret and deep shame! The point I’m trying to make is, your delivery is coming across as very caring and kind, and that is very moving. Thank you.

thank you! I very much hope I can share a success story in the future and at this moment in time, as bad as things seem, I still have hope. Not a lot, but it is still there. Thank you

i am incredibly lucky and blessed to have a mother like her. She does not judge or admonish me - I have been very open with her about my struggles. I wish for her as much as myself that I can get well and stuff well. I wish you all the luck and best wishes in your journey as well, thank you

thank you so much! Regarding my education, I’m going to have a frank and open discussion with my tutor about this, and explain that I am seeking help and willing to put changes in place to avoid this in future. You’re very right about the psychological effects of posting here - already I feel much calmer, and as much as I convinced myself I’m a lone-wolf character, it is actually an enormous relief to speak openly and frankly with people who understand.

a very happy new year to you, too!

hi Dee, and thank you!

Ive done nothing but think about these things. As alcoholics, I’m sure we all know the old trope of knowing what we MUST do but having no idea HOW to implement it. So that’s been my focus. Strangely enough, I could fixate on my future event, real, improbable or imaginary, and think to myself “but if I don’t drink, I can’t do x, y or z!” I’d then convince myself I was only going to do it for those reasons, which I now realise was just my way of justifying to myself why I wouldn’t or couldn’t give up. So, apart from going to the doctor and posting here, I’m going to work on changing my mindset and how I think about things. That seems as prudent as anything else I can do

yes, precisely. I long ago identified it as problem, slowly learned to accept that it’s a problem, but my heads sneaky way of getting around this was to say “well, I admit it! It’s true! If you don’t like it, eff off!” Inevitably, many did not like it and did indeed eff off! Belligerent is the absolute perfect word to describe me when I’m drinking, so perfect in fact I think it was conjured by either an alcoholic or the victim of alcoholic behaviour!
Thank you for the support, I’m very happy to be here